Author: Keiran
Title: All is fair in Love and Peace 5/6
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, 5+S, 6+9
Warnings: Shounen-ai. Wufei torture.
Archive: My site! If anyone wants to have it, all they have to do is ask. ^_^ I won't say 'no'.

This fic has been betaed by Sundaire. bows Japanese-style (i.e. all of the hair lands on the ground before her)

*****

There is something special about a wedding party. It is supposed to be a romantic event, an unforgettable 'once in a life time.'

Of course, put one Duo Maxwell in charge of events, and anything that happens you'd be unable to forget, no matter how much you might want to (the latter holds true for a distinct species of 'Wufei').

The newlyweds were ushered into the middle of the party. Duo didn't even have a chance to raise a brow before he was whisked away from the group into a circle of ladies. Heero – naturally – followed, glaring at everything that moved, until Duo pulled him close, putting his arm around Heero's waist.

"Stop glaring, will you? You might give somebody a coronary, or something." Heero glared in response. "I'm warning you. Stop it, or I'll become really evil." Heero glanced at his husband sideways, and immediately turned to glare at a female who tried to get Duo's attention by touching his shoulder. "Have it your way."

The long-haired young man shrugged his shoulders and brought his lips to Heero's ear, snatching a napkin from a table at the same time.

Five minutes later, the very same couple was seen stumbling from the bathroom, out of breath. Unfortunately, the one to glimpse them was the black-haired, white-clad Chinese 'Justice Freak' on duty, privately known as Chang Wufei. Since the corridor was rather deserted at that time (the Gundam Pilot's Manual – 'how to make an unnoticed exit' came in handy), nobody noticed the long-haired boy almost collapse with laughter when they were forced to save Wufei's pristine white clothing.

Since they were all rather adept with those kind of occurrences, it went smoothly. However, as they were entering the ballroom again, they were noticed.

"Where were you?" Sally asked her husband, glancing at the trio's slack appearance.

"Wufei got a nosebleed when he met us in the toilet," Duo answered cheerfully. "So, we, being the good guys, helped. I really should consider changing professions. I spend most of my time recently treating nosebleeds."

Both Wufei and Heero glared. Wufei at Duo, Heero at Wufei.

"What were you doing in the bathroom?" Relena asked almost breathlessly, gazing at Heero's undone collar.

"Well, Heero had an… emergency."

The vice-minister almost drooled. Her blond friend joined in the effort. The group was conspiratorially hunched under one of the larger plants, to avoid unnecessary guests.

"Was it serious?" Quatre arrived hearing emergencies being mentioned, dragging his husband behind him.

"Nothing I couldn't deal with myself," Duo said proudly.

"Well, you could have called for a commission, at least," Dorothy said clearly indicating just who should be on that committee.

"Whatever for?"

"That's a big experience, you know. We should have made sure nobody got hurt in the process."

"Like I never did that on my own? Come on!"

"You said you didn't." Wufei tried to retrieve his bleeding dignity.

"Huh? Fei, you know I did! First hand experience and all that jazz."

The group stared. Dorothy smirked. Oh, she was ecstatic. This time the match was going to be perfect.

"So…," she started slowly, "I trust there wasn't too much blood?"

"Nah, just at the beginning. But that's inevitable, you know."

The smirking blond girl was counting words carefully.

"Did it hurt?"

"Well, not in itself, but Heero came really close to strangling me." Duo pouted. "You'd think he would show some gratitude, but noooo, all he did was hurry me up. And he wasn't particularly gentle with it."

In the meantime, a snickering Mrs. Chang was leading Mr. Chang back to the restroom. Quatre and Trowa were watching the couple disbelievingly. Relena was blinking shocked.

Heero wasn't listening. He decided that after that episode, it'd be safer to tune the world out for a little while. As long as Duo's attention was focused on somebody else rather than him.

"Whatever happened to the napkin I saw you borrow?" Miss Catalonia inquired innocently.

Duo blinked. "A napkin?"

"Yes, that white piece of cloth you nicked from the table."

"Oh, that napkin! Well, I needed to stuff something in his mouth, or my eardrums would have burst." Duo shrugged. "Toilet paper doesn't really work, bits of paper are left and it tastes awfully."

Quatre was gaping open mouthed. Trowa went to the extremes of pointing his nose to the ceiling to be able to look at the couple with both eyes at the same time. Relena was hanging limply off Iria's arm (who had appeared as soon as she noticed Wufei being lead from the room). It's safe to add that she was listening to the conversation with silent disbelief.

Duo glanced up, seeing Wufei walk unsteadily back into the ballroom.

"Poor Fei. Is your nose better?" he asked sweetly, looking rather concerned. Sally cast him a half amused glance. Milliardo and Noin realized finally where the action was, and decided to join. Une trailed several steps behind them, talking with Mariemaia.

~An Insight Into Heero's Mind~

RRRIIIING!

Wake up, dolt!

~End of Insight~

Heero furrowed his brows and glared at Wufei. Wufei glanced at him, peered at Duo, who was about to start another round of conversation with Dorothy, and did some quick calculations.

Seemingly accepting of the results, he stepped forward and grabbed the long-haired man's face in both hands, proceeding to kiss him deeply, thus shocking the company into silence for good.

Duo staggered backwards when released, landing in Heero's arms. He was doing a great impression of a goldfish. That was more or less the same expression the rest of the people were carrying.

Save for Heero, who was fuming, and Wufei, who was smirking.

"Now, if you would please excuse me, I need to hide somewhere Yuy won't look," Mr. Chang concluded and all but ran away. Sally gaped at everybody for a few seconds, then followed.

"Well. Looks like Chang finally realized there is a way to shut Duo up," Dorothy drawled. "Took him long enough."

Heero snapped. "What do you mean 'he realized there is a way'!" he growled.

"Oh, please. It was as obvious as the very light of the day."

Heero was drawing conclusions he didn't find funny in the slightest. He would have went after Dorothy's neck, if he wasn't holding Duo, who was still slightly out of it. Fortunately it didn't take long to get him going again.

"Oh man. Who was that and what the hell happened to Wu?" he asked shocked.

"It might have been an evil alien, attempting to rule the universe, by planting alien germs in you." Dorothy shrugged. "Or, that was Wufei, but he developed some suicidal tendencies in the meantime, and tried to act on them, in a rather roundabout way."

"How was the kiss, by the way?" she added.

"Huh? Oh, okay, I guess," Duo answered, still gaping at nothing in particular. "Not that I have that much to compare it with, but still."

"Better than Heero's?" Dorothy earned herself a very high place on the 'To Kill' list.

"I don't know. It might have been, if he hadn't run away so soon." There was a pause. "Is there a volcano somewhere near?"

"No, why do you ask?" Relena answered weakly.

"Cause something is grumbling, rather menacingly." Considering that Duo was held against Heero's chest, it was a very correct evaluation of the situation. Heero had had enough though. He pulled his spouse to the nearest wall and pinned him there.

He then proceeded to kiss the breath out of him. By the time he was finished, all the photographers that had been allowed at the party had about a roll of film each of the event, and Duo required another mouth-to-mouth to resume his normal breathing pattern.

"Oh wow," he moaned softly when he was finally released. Heero smirked.

"Hn."

"I could make a mint by selling 'The Great Dictionary of Hn,' you know. Starting with a 'Hn' which means roughly 'would you please stop munching on my cookie, thank you very much' through 'Hn' translated to 'that wouldn't by any chance be my gun, would it?' up to 'HN!' 'make me dinner now, and don't even think about shirking your turn with peeling the grapes,'" Duo remarked casually.

"So, what did that one mean?" Quatre inquired politely.

Duo coughed and blushed. "More or less 'you've seen nothing yet.'"

"You know… if you ever wrote that dictionary, I might make it an addition to the standard Preventers manuals. Of course the most anybody would ever need to know is 'stay away from Maxwell, or you might get yourself a painful bullet-wound.'" Une said thoughtfully.

"What Milliardo usually tells people comes down to: 'Hey, newbie? Seen a kid with a braid a meter long? Cute, isn't he? Yeah, I know. There is a psycho following him around. And he thinks the kid is cute too.' Pretty effective." Noin grinned at Heero, who promptly demonstrated his dentition (because no one with a sane mind would call it a smile).

"That would be because Milliardo usually talks to people after they try something," Heero said.

"It's not my fault they don't look like they've even been making a pass on Duo before they get stomped," Milliardo puffed. Sally chose that moment to appear.

"I would kindly ask all of you to stop harassing my husband, as of now," she said menacingly. "You might want to remember that I'm in charge of you physical health," she added pleasantly.

"Chill out! We're not doing anything to him!" Duo said. "Why would I want to harass Wu?"

"I'm not even talking about you! And don't you dare to go molesting Wufei again!"

That shut Duo 'The Chatterbox' Maxwell up… "Moles…ting?" …to the point of gaping. "Me?"

"Yes! And don't think I don't know that you purposefully dragged Heero to that bathroom to have your evil way with them both!"

~Interlude~

There are some things, that people do not expect.

There are some things people do not believe in.

With that said, prepare to enter the Dark Zone, where Normal Things Do Not Happen Very Often.

~End of Interlude~

Duo 'The Cavalry' Maxwell got a nosebleed.

Nosebleeds, in general, were something he dealt with on regular basis, however, they were never his own. It was usually either Heero or Wufei. So we must excuse him, while he was staring stupefied at his palm, where the very first drops of blood had fallen.

"Well, shit," he exclaimed finally. "Looks like the Wu-germs caught up to me." He expertly fished a tissue out of his pocket wiping all the traces of the blood away. "There's not much, good for me! But, Sally, what the hell do you mean, have my evil way with them both?"

"You were in that bathroom, the three of you! I do not even want to know what you were doing in there! It's an injustice what you were doing to Wufei. In a public place, no less!" Sally halted her tirade and blinked at Duo and Dorothy who were rolling on the floor with laughter.

"Oh man, I knew it was going to be rich." Duo beamed. "Dorothy, you're the best. We could make a mint you know, if we had a show in TV."

"So what the hell were you doing in that bathroom!" Quatre squeaked.

"Treating Heero's and then Wufei's nosebleed."

Fortunately, for all involved (including the fate of peace) the dinner was served.

Let it be noted though that Dorothy and Duo almost made it onto the table, if it hadn't been for Heero intervening. We're probably better off not knowing why he had seen it fit to snatch handcuffs from one of the bodyguards wandering the hall though.

The dinner was rather uneventful. Wufei appeared, yes, but he wasn't killed. Or shot. Or even cursed with the Curse of the Mysterious Gel Bottle, that seemed to have gotten Trowa when he was little. However, to make sure the dinner kept to its destined tracks (plate-mouth-stomach), Relena and Heero has been appointed 'Conversation Guardians.' Their role came down to stomping hard on Dorothy's and Duo's feet, respectively, to prevent any incidents.

Since Relena was wearing high-heels, Dorothy finished the meal much more disgruntled than her braided counterpart. Of course that might be due to the fact that eating somehow didn't provoke any indecent couplings in the warped mind of the God of Death, so his feet were in relatively good shape.

If you can call 'living' decent. [1]

As soon as Heero managed to help Duo dig through his lobster without scaring anybody ('Are you sure we're supposed to eat that? It sure looks like a decoration to me') the more enjoyable part of the party had come.

Dancing.

"Hn."

"Thank you very much Heero. Now, come on."

"No."

"Please?"

"Dance with Wufei." There was not much one could say to such a development. So no one did.

Duo sat down in front of Heero.

His violet eyes grew large and started to shimmer.

His lower lip started to tremble.

He sniffled.

And – predictably – Heero snapped. He got up and hauled Duo to his feet. Duo's smile immediately reappeared, bright as usual.

"Don't be angry sweetheart [2]," Duo said beaming. "I just really wanted to dance with you. Really, really," he finished, adding a peck on his husband's lips for good measure. "I'll make it up to you, promise!"

They made it to the middle of the dance floor. The waltz was playing, so they stepped close to each other and danced, occasionally waving to their friends. When they finally left the circle it was almost seven o'clock.

The dessert was served.

And thus the idyll came to an end.

Since it was not required to sit down to eat this time, Dorothy was free to talk about exactly what and exactly where she wanted. The 'where' usually included Heero. The 'what' usually centered on Duo.

So it comes as no surprise that halfway through the cake the Perfect Soldier felt the need to murder every blonde on the planet.

***

Wow. I have never seen so many people in one place! Most of them are important too. I think I've seen Relena Peacecraft, isn't that incredible?

Oops, got caught up in daydreaming. Someone's calling from my side of the ball room! Sigh. Ballroom… it's so romantic… Oh. It's that cute guy with long hair.

"Hello. Would you mind getting me a large glass of water? Without ice?"

And he's really nice too. What a pity he got married today. To a guy, no less. All the good ones are already taken. I make my way to the kitchen to fetch the nice boy his water. Hm. He didn't ask for lemon. [3] Better bring it separately, in case he wanted it.

That brown-haired boy reminds me of someone… right, he's the husband of the cute one! He seems mad, I wonder why. I place the water and lemon in front of the violet-eyed boy, nod and smile in response to his thanks, then I walk back to my observation spot near the palm. I am watching him and his friends now – they're pretty, and they're funny, besides, they're standing by my table. I'm on duty. I had to snicker at that. I like being a waitress.

I see the dark-haired boy turning around and snapping at… Dorothy Catalonia?

Oh my god! The long-haired guy just dumped the water on his husband's lap! Napkins, where are the napkins! I race towards them, holding a load of napkins in my arms.

Uh oh, the man is furious. I better back down.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Heero! Don't be angry, please?"

I don't know how he can grin in a time like this.

"Let's go and get you dried, shall we? I don't want you to catch a cold."

There's that grin again. Oh, I want to have a boyfriend like this one!

They both left the party bidding their friends goodnight.

Yep, I guess we're not going to see them until late morning tomorrow. And from the looks of it, the rest of the newlyweds is contemplating doing the very same thing.

***

[1] I can't remember who said that about ff.net banning the NC-17 rating – 'will they next ban people from living? Cause the life itself is NC-17' or something to that effect.

[2] Everybody says 'sweetheart' sometimes. The day just wouldn't be complete without it.

[3] I did that on purpose. Duo didn't ask for the lemon. ^_^