Episode 3: Are You Readeh For Mih?

And so the Darling children and Princess Lilywhite find themselves in a very snug small sloop with Smee, Pirate 1, and Goth!Fag, draped in a pretty cloak. He must have been mistaking his fandoms again...but at least he wasn't wearing the matching mask. In The Meantime, Peter and Wendy have left the Michael Jacksons and are on their way to find the children....

Goth!Fag: "Do I not look perfectly delicious? And is my gun not enormous? Combined with those appealing children, bound and gagged, the sight will be too alluring for Peter Pants to ignore. And then he shall be mine! MINE!"
(the children and pirates gaze at him in disgusted wonder)
Goth!Fag: "..........to kill. Ahem. Mine to kill."

(Smee and Pirate 1 tie up the children)
Smee: "Snazzy castle, this, eh?"

Pirate 1: "Yeah, why didn't JM Barrie think of it?"

In The Meantime...
Peter Pants: "Wendy, I just realised that Captain Fag has had many more suggestive scenes than me, so I thought this would be a good time for some playing with phallic symbols. Therefore I shall hand you a sword and ask you if you know how to handle it."

Wendy: "Of course I know how to handle a sword, my brothers and I used to play with them all the time."

Peter Pants: "I really didn't need to know that. I think it's best if you stay away from the doubtlessly distressing sight of your brothers chained helplessly but oh so alluringly to a rock."(he flies away)

Wendy: ".....Aaaww, and I had so looked forward to playing with swords.......OH WOW! It's Captain Fag! Finally! God, he's got a massive gun...."

Captain Fag: "Oh no, not another idiot hiding from me in an obvious place and my missing them by just a second because of an idiot interrupting me.... Now why does that make me think of Stumpy......" (pondering this, he walks off, just in time for Wendy to stay unnoticed)

(in the castle)
Peter Pants: "Well, we definitely cannot better the codfish moment, can we? So....er... I'll have to think of something else.....ah, I know!" (stands up and starts singing)
"He's back, the fag with the hook!
Back again, the queen of the pirates!
We go and untie the kids,
We don't want to miss the adventure!"

Smee and Pirate 1: (untying the children) "This is the faggy life!"

Peter Pants: "I guess it is!"

Smee and Pirate 1: "This time we're gonna fight!" (the children swim off)

Peter Pants: "And all you have to do, is think one naughty thought, And you will fly awaaaaaaaay!"

Everyone: "Captain Fag, Captain Fag, and Peter Pants!
Captain Fag, Captain Fag, and his handbaaaaaag!
You are such a hag, Captain Fag,
one can tell by your draaaaag!"

Captain Fag: (suddenly appearing behind Peter Pants) "Revenge is mine!"

Peter Pants: ".....Oh crikey. But argh, that gun is enormous....."

Captain Fag: "Haha! Now I shall plunge my hook in you! Prepare to be deflow....I mean, lose your virg...NO! To die! There, I managed it.." (he prepares for some serious plunging)

Peter Pants: "Hey, did you know there is an enormous crocodile behind you? You know, the one who cannot get enough of you?"

Captain Fag: "Nonsense, you're just trying to scare me......if that crocodile was here, I'd be able to hear the stuttering..."

Giant Crododile: "Y-y-y-y-yum, it's C-c-c-captain Fag ! "

Captain Fag : "AAAAh God ! It's the Anthony Blanche Crocodile!" (he immediately starts screaming like a little girl and scrambling away)

Peter Pants: "Haha! A good thing I found that Anthony Blanche Crocodile and his taste for queer fish! Now we can get away! Follow me!" (Peter Pants, the Darling children, and the princess get away)

Captain Fag: (to Peter Pants) "You lost me my servant!!!!! Ooops, wrong fandom again....I mean; AAAAAH!"

And so we leave Captain Fag to be lengthily savoured by the Anthony Blanche Crocodile. The Darling children go to visit the Indians. They pratay. In The Meantime, Wendy and Peter Pants have a quiet moment alone, at the place where the fairies live, without the children......ooh lala. Or not.

Peter Pants: "Look at the pretty fairies dancing...."

Wendy: "Yes, I don't think I've ever seen a more touching rendition of I Will Survive..."

Peter Pants: "Wendy...."

Wendy: "Yes?"

Peter Pants: "I love the clumsy erotic tension between us."

Wendy: "Me too." Peter Pants: "So.....do you want to.....you know?"

Wendy: ".......to what, Peter?"

Peter Pants: "Well, to......you know."

Wendy: ".......yes?"

Peter Pants: "To er.....do what those.....fairies are doing?"

Wendy: "Oh. Er, ahem. I see. Er. Yes. Of course."

Peter Pants (cheerfully): "Okay!"

Wendy: "Er.......you did mean playing spanky-spanky, didn't you?"

Peter Pants: "Ooooh! Eeugh! You disgusting pervert, how could you think such a thing? Did you really think I meant anything more dangerous than dancing to I Will Survive?"

Wendy: "Well, yes."

Peter Pants: "Don't you see how intensely threatening that is to my budding sexuality and need to conform to traditional male behavioural patterns?"

Wendy: "No."

Peter Pants: "Oh, you are just....impossible!" (he flies away)

Wendy: "Maybe it's just me, but that boy has even more issues than me and my brothers combined."

In The Meantime.......
Captain Fag has escaped the Anthony Blanche Giant Crocodile, and is watching Wendy and Peter Pants. He does like to watch, our captain. Ahem. Anyway, he does not like the prospect of Wendy and Peter Pants playing spanky-spanky one bit. Then he finds out Tinkerbell has voyeuristic intentions as well....

Captain Fag: "So, you're a fairy....."

Tinkerbell: "Ring ring ring."

Captain Fag: "I don't know what you're saying, but I like the sound of it. Would you like to.......sit on my hook?"

Tinkerbell: "Ring ring ring."

Captain Fag: "Oh you naughty thing, I think perhaps it's a good thing I didn't quite understand that last bit!"

Tinkerbell: "Ring ring, ring ring. Ring ring ring, ring ring ring!"

Captain Fag: "Ach! The Author has ignored your fate since the Killing Wendy thing? How barbarous of her...... But perhaps we can arrange something...Yes...I think you and I should sha....have se......no!...play spa..... dammit! ....talk! Yes, talk! God, I hate that Author..."

And thus ends Episode 3. In Episode 4, Captain Fag abandons all plans of avenging himself on the Author when a very interesting distraction arrives.......exciting!

(A/N: Thanks to Lady Lizzie for mentioning a stuttering crocodile! Anyone who knows who Anthony Blanche is or which word combination I stole from this illustrious character, will be stuck full of barbed arrows like a p-p- pin cushion by the Duchess herself. Oh, and the song Captain Fag was cheerfully adapted from the song Captain Hook by Ch!pz)