Episode 4: He Loves To Dance, In His Pirate Pants


And so, Wendy goes to bed in her house in the forest which hasn't been previously mentioned but which did exist, and wakes up on the pirate ship. Gasp! Shudder!

Wendy: "Oh. A pirate ship. Hello there, Smee, whose name I know though we haven't been introduced."

Smee: "I will take you....."

Wendy: (shudder)

Smee: ".....to see Captain Fag... God I'm good at foreshadowing."

Wendy: "I have a bad feeling about this. And who's that, singing? It sounds like a very gay cat being mauled by a.....great big.....mauling......thing."

Smee: "Oh, that's Captain Fag! He does love to sing, our Captain! Here, I'll show you..."

Captain Fag: (singing)
"Yo ho, yo ho, the frisky plank,
I'll spank you with it so,
'til I go down,
and you goes down,
to 'Little Fag' below!"
(stops singing and advances upon Wendy menacingly)

Wendy: "Oh dear."

Captain Fag: "Someone, not at all Tinkerbell, you see, told me you have been kidnapped!"

Wendy: "Why, yes. I suppose."

Captain Fag: "Lovely! I love kidnapping. Especially the tying up and the screaming and the struggling.... But, I undress......er, I mean, digress. It's lovely for Peter Pants to have taken you here! Because now you never have to grow up!"

Wendy: "I don't?"

Captain Fag: "Yes, the author did not think that little fact important enough to the plot to be mentioned before, so she has made it my duty to confront you with it. Yes, you will stay a slim, smooth-skinned, nimble child forever......not that I am a paedophile or anything....."

Wendy: "Excuse me?"

Captain Fag: "...............eeerm....nothing! Now, where was I? Oh yes! Well, since it is of course wonderful for you never to grow up, Peter Pants will never grow up either, if you get what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink."

Wendy: "Yes, I was already wondering why he was so reluctant to play spanky- spanky."

Captain Fag: "Yes........ so, now that you will need someone else to play it with... Didst thou ever want to do....I mean, have....er...paste......no, be a pirate?"

Wendy: "A pirate? Me, a little girl, living on a ship with a band of roving pirates? Are you mad?"

Captain Fag: "Well, I was thinking...... you could take off.....I mean, sit on my....ahem! you could tell us your fantas........your eroti........no! drea.........porn.........sla........STORIES! You could tell us stories!

Wendy: ".....Right."

Captain Fag: "Yes! And you will have your very own porn star.....I mean, pirate's name!"

Wendy: "Well......okay. But it had better not include the word Busty."

Captain Fag: "Oh, no, of course it won't! Fantastic! We'll give you a testdrive right now!"

Wendy: "A what?"

Captain Fag: "A test.......story?"

Wendy: "Er, okay."

And so Wendy impresses the pirates with her amazing fanfiction writing skills, though she becomes more and more convinced, especially because of their disturbing interest in obscure slash pairings, that they are rather insane, and that this whole Neverland is full of maniacs and it would be better for her to go back home, where at least people repress their warped sexual preferences. She goes to Peter Pants to collect her brothers.

Wendy: "Well, however entertaining that was, I must say you are a very twisted bunch of people. Goodbye, Peter Pants and the Lost Boys."

Lost Boys: "Please take us with you! Don't leave us alone in this sick, perverted place!"

Wendy: "Well, okay.....let's just sneak out before Peter Pants finds out..."
(they sneak out)

Captain Fag: "Surprise!"

Wendy: "Oops."

Pirate 2: "Should we tie 'em up and gag them, or just get out the whip again, Captain?"

Captain Fag: "Hhhmm..... ah, just tie them up and gag them, that's amusing enough." (remembering many Simpson episodes) "Take 'em away, boys." (the pirates and children leave, while Captain Fag stays behind...)
"Let me spy on Peter Pants and....well, spy on him. Just because....... That's what you do with your enemies. Your very sexy enemies..."

Captain Fag clambers down into the house of Peter Pants, until he can't go any further. He contents himself with gazing at the sleeping beauty for the time being, and wonders what it should take to bring this young Adonis into his arms....er, possession.

Captain Fag: (commuting with ego) "Perhaps if I were to put some of these little blue pills that Smee seems to love so much into his drink.... Those always seem to drive the swallower directly into the arms of the nearest man....."

It seems a good enough plan, and so Captain Fag drops one small blue pill into Peter Pants' goblet of....stuff, and leaves again. In The Meantime the Darling children, the Lost Boys and Wendy arrive at the ship, all ready for whatever diabolical scheme Captain Fag has in store for them....

Captain Fag: (to Wendy) "I shall now tie you to the penis!"

Wendy: "To the what?"

Captain Fag: "Er.....ahem.....to the mast. Yes, the mast."

Wendy: "Oh, good."
(just then, a scream echoes across the vast liquid plains of the ocean)

Captain Fag: "Ah! A primal scream! Peter Pants is surely coming this way!"

But Captain Fag is rather mistaken.....for it was Tinkerbell who drank the deadly mixture, and is now chasing Peter Pants down like a rampant librarian with a severe hormonal disorder. On this rather disquieting note this episode shall end... In the next episode, Captain Fag and Peter Pants have a violent tête-à- tête, Wendy is confronted with a very long piece of wood, and she and Captain Fag have a little moment together......

(A/N: The Duchess expresses her concern about updating in the immediate future, for, while future episodes are already shaping themselves in the vast spaces of her brain, she has exams to study for and to sit, but she promises to have this ordeal over with in as short a stretch of time as physically possible. Furthermore, she is afraid the plot as a whole is not very consistent, but hopes readers shall readily excuse this in favour of the chaos of the mind that is humour, or, indeed, attempted humour.)