Episode 5: He goes??? He fights?? He flies??

When we last laid eyes and other parts of our anatomy on Peter Pants, he was fleeing from the rabid Tinkerbell, and Captain Fag was on the Jolly Roger, waiting for him to fly right into his open le.....arms. Unfortunately for Captain Fag, however, Peter Pants was, not entirely unpleasantly, surprised by a sudden energy surge in Tinkerbell, who had now (over)taken him. Not wishing to take a trip into the realm of the vulgar (no, the author is not a hypocrite.....how dare you suggest such a thing?), we shall not describe exactly what happened, but we shall say that, within minutes, a strange chant began to echo across the island and the oceans of Neverland, a chant so full of sheer exhilaration and catchy sexual energy, that nobody could be left unmoved by it.............

Peter Pants: "I do believe in fairies! I DO! I DO!"

Wendy (wriggling suggestively): "I do believe in fairies!"

John and Michael (looking at each other): "I do, I do!"

Lost Boys (leering and grinning): "I do believe in faires...."

Pirate 1 (grabbing Pirate 2): "I do, I do!"

Pirate 3 (throwing himself onto Pirate 4): "I do believe in fairies..."

Smee (slowly making his lustful way towards Captain Fag): "I do, I do!"

Yes, within minutes the until then orderly ship is reduced to one big oozing hormonal chaos, and all were soon merrily jogging in the horizontal fashion. All.......except one.

Captain Fag: "Where is Peter Pants, and why is my entire crew immerged in some kind of.... I don't even want to think about it.... Stop that, you louts! Peter Pants has tricked us!" (the pirates, slightly put off, stop their activities, get dressed again, re-apply their lipstick, etcetera)

Wendy: "Oh no, what have we done? He's probably jealous now.."

Captain Fag: "You there!"

Wendy: "Me?"

Captain Fag: "Yes! I want you to tell me what you two did exactly, so I will now what makes him har....exci.... nevermind. I just want to use it against him."

Wendy: "Well, erm, we used to do things with swords....."

Captain Fag: "Swords? I have swords. Very big ones. What else?"

Wendy: "And I told him stories?"

Captain Fag: "Aaah........ what ship are you?"

Wendy: ".....ship?"

Captain Fag: "Yes, do you like Smee/Fag, or Tinkerbell/Fag, or Peter Pants/Fag...."

Wendy: "Er........ they weren't that kind of stories."

Captain Fag: "Er, well, nevermind, then.... What else did you do again? Fly or something?"

Wendy: "Yes."

Captain Fag: "Will you teach me to fly? Nudge nudge, wink wink?"

Wendy: "Rather not."

Captain Fag: "Ah you're no fun. I bet he didn't even tie you up, like I do."

Wendy: "Well, no, he didn't."

Captain Fag: "Maybe it's a good idea if I grab you violently and press my big, hard hook against you." (proceeds to do so)

Wendy: "Dear me."

Captain Fag: "Who's the captain now, eh?"

Wendy: ".....you are?"

Captain Fag: "Indeed. Well, now that we have impressed the Freudian point on you, and reduced the part of the audience that fancies men to little molten puddles of arousal, and provoked everyone with no sense of sexuality into a storming rage about paedophilia, let's put you on an enormous piece of wood!" (he puts Wendy on the plank. The kind of plank that sticks out the side of a ship. Erm. Well, you get our point. That, or some delicious innuendo....the choice is yours)

Wendy: "A blindfold? This is just getting worse and worse."

The Anthony Blanche Crocodile (from the ocean): "C-c-captain Fag! W-w-what are you doing, lurking up there among the knavest of knaves? W-w-will I have to c-c-come up there and sniff you out? You c-c-cannot f-f-fool me, your delicious scent is already b-b-burning in m-m-my eager nostrils, I shall f-f-follow your trail and hunt you down, my dear!"

Captain Fag: "Oh, no, it's the Anthony Blanche Crocodile! Maybe I can fool him by giving him this girl instead of me... Get off the bloody plank!" (Wendy falls tragically to her death.....)

Smee: "Rather odd how she didn't hit the water but was rescued by that flying boy...."

Captain Fag: "Yes, the beast must have swallowed her whole!"

Smee: "It swallows?"

Captain Fag (gleefully): "It most certainly does!"

Smee: "I'm not going to ask how you know that."

Captain Fag: "You shouldn't. Oh, look, it's Peter Pants with Wendy in his arms. How very odd."

Pirates: "Let us have him, captain!"

Captain Fag: "Leave him! He's MINE!"

Pirates: "The worst thing about that line is that it's actually in the film."

Peter Pants: "Quite. Let's have a sword duel."

Captain Fag: "Mine's bigger than yours anyway! Ha!" (they fight)

Peter Pants: "You may have some delicious innuendo lines, but it must say something that all your guns and swords are so absolutely massive. Compensation?"

Captain Fag: "No, balance.... If I don't have enough weight on top, I'll fall down! Anyway, now I will grab your peni.....co.....FAIRY!"

Peter Pants: "My what?"

Captain Fag: "Your fairy. You need fairy jizz to fly, don't you?"

Peter Pants: "Oh no, he has discovered my secret!"

Captain Fag: "Indeed! Now, I shall explain the Freudian point of the book to you. Rejoice. And then I will plunge my hook in you in slow motion. Just to make my hair look better."

Peter Pants: "Ah no! Your hair does look fantastic! And I am just lying here, half-naked, vulnerable, defenceless, and so very attractive...." (Captain Fag plunges in slow motion)

Wendy (at normal speed): "No, he's mine!" (she asserts some sexual possessiveness)

Captain Fag: "But..............I thought he was...."

Peter Pants: "No! Fooled you there, didn't I, with the turning pink and everything?"

Captain Fag: "Yes, you were pink!"

Peter Pants: "Well, now that I am sure Wendy wants me more than you, I will get rid of your sexually threatening presence by giving you to the Anthony Blanche Crocodile!" (he lures Captain Fag to the sky over the ocean)

Anthony Blanche Crocodile: "Oh, C-c-captain F-f-fag ! I should like to w-w- wear you out like an old overcoat !"

Captain Fag: "Nooo! I cannot believe I am actually screaming like a little girl!"

Anthony Blanche Crocodile: "How utterly ridiculous you are! C-c-come here and let me see whether you t-t-taste as lovely as you look!"

Captain Fag: "Oh well, I give up."

Anthony Blanche Crocodile: "Y-y-yum y-y-yum!"

(A/N : Well, there we are, the second to last instalment. We can only hope and pray that this was as entertaining as it should have been, as there was so much plot to get through this time. We are no great fans of plots. They only stand in the way of wit. In any case, the last episode is already coming up.... Even if it doesn't have Captain Fag in it, it does have Mr Fag....er, Darling... And the ending, so that part of it at least is satisfying. Oh, and we thank you heartily for your warm-bodied reviews, you little charmers!)