A/N: Hey, after this, what about a PotC/HP cross-over chapter? We'll see if we can get Jack, Barbosa, Will, Elizabeth (and perhaps Norrington) to guest star.
Be My Frickin' Valentine
Part IV
Summary: Draco Malfoy, Sex God, Adonis, King, Narcissus—whatever you may wish to call him, he always gets what he wants.
Or does he?
(Come on, we've had Mary Sue Ginny, now we need Gary Stu Draco. With clichés.)
--
"Guess what?" Blaise Zabini jumped up and down in excitement. Draco stared.
"People Magazine has voted me Sexiest Man Alive, 5th year running?"
"Other than that," Blaise answered. Draco spread his hands.
"Beats me," he said, before running a comb through his light and silvery platinum blonde hair that glowed in the nonexistent light. As it moved, it shimmered and twinkled and sparkled and the heavens opened so that the angels could sing and--we could go on describing it, but I feel that other authors have done it far more adeptly than I ever could. Let us simply say that Draco Malfoy's hair rocked. Perhaps it should get its own TV Show.
Anyway:
"Ginny Weasley is a virgin!" Blaise's voice rang triumphantly.
Draco's eyes boggled. This changed everything. If Ginny Weasley was a virgin, then that meant—
"Wow, she really is Hogwart's innocent little girl that all the guys should now rally to deflower! For no particular reason! Except that most authors are really horny and this is a perfect way to get R rated D/G action!" Draco reveled. " I guess some rumors are true."
Blaise nodded fervently.
"You should do it, Draco!"
"Why me?" Draco asked modestly. Suspicious audience members booed. Since when was Draco modest, anyway?
"Because," Blaise informed him. "All the girls love you! You're like, hot, even though you're a total jerk who is supposed to have dull gray eyes, pale hair, and a really pointy chin, just like your dad!"
"But Ginny is a Weasley," Draco reasoned.
"So?" Blaise asked dubiously.
"Wouldn't it be odd if she came onto me?"
"Draco!" Blaise was outraged. "What do you think we have UST for? Besides, we really need this fic to be consistent with D/G. If you don't do it, some other dirty bloke will."
Draco stared blankly.
"God, you're right."
And he was off on his new, valiant and noble mission.
--
"Oh, you slut!" Hermione giggled. Ginny giggled too.
"Thanks, whore!" More bubbly giggles.
"Like, I am so glad we have decided to wear our matching leather outfits that are 5 sizes too small, even though the real Hermione would never condone the wear of leather since it entails cruelty to animals, but like, whatever!" Hermione confided, as she watched Ginny examine the size of her breasts.
"Oh, yea, Herm. And like, I, being the self-respecting female character that I am would never go flaunting my bodily attributes. This is why you are so, like, brilliant, you know?"
Hermione chewed her pink gum in thought.
Twenty minutes later, she came up with her answer.
"Yea, Gin! I am brilliant!"
Somewhere, far, far, far away (in a place called The Library), a lonely book by the name of Hogwarts, A History, wept in its loneliness as it collected dust.
And somewhere even further away, JKR moaned at the horrible disfigurement of her precious, well-structured characters.
"This is what happens when you let a couple of porn-hungry teenagers take reign!" she cried woefully.
--
Draco stared idly at the mass of fallen girls at his feet.
"Tell me where Ginny Weasley is," he asked one nameless female. She drooled haplessly.
"I'm dying, Draco," she croaked. "Can't you just stay and give me a last goodbye kiss?"
Draco frowned and paused.
"Why are you dying?"
"I've lost too much drool," she said hopelessly. Draco felt a twinge of sympathy.
"Listen," he said. "I know you love me." She sighed in response. "It's natural that you love me. But you need to tell me where Ginny Weasley is."
"She's up in her tower," she said softly, too weak for even jealousy.
Draco's eyes shined with admiration. The girl was probably sitting up in her room with her knitting, making a few socks for her prospective husband, whoever that might be.
Oh, wait. It would be him. After he took deflowered her, of course, destroying her virtues once and for all.
"Yay for debauchery and utter corruption!" Draco pranced along.
--
Smoke rose from the room.
"Damn, this is a good smoke," Hermione rocked herself back and forth. Ginny twitched from next to her.
"Damn straight," Ginny replied. "It takes away all the pain you know?" Her eyes welled up. "Pain that only you can understand, as my only companion."
Hermione nodded and patted Ginny's back.
"Life…life just sucs," she wailed. Everyone in the world wept with her in her misery. Oh, how hard the teenage life was. "It's so frickin' hard! Just yesterday, I messed up my make up 5 times! In turn, I utilized my entire bottle of makeup remover, Hermione. Now I can never take this mask off."
More angst ensued, and the audience bought it, because people love pain. Even when Hermione and Ginny continued to submerge themselves into the darkness of drugs and Other Really Bad Things, like cleaning their dormitory room with excessive use of pine-sol.
"I have a confession to make!" Ginny said one day. Draco was still on his way to her, although she didn't know that.
Hermione listened.
"I'm a virgin!" Ginny threw herself on the bed. Hermione gasped.
"You poor thing!"
"I know! I'm so ashamed! How can I be A Bad Girl if I haven't even lost that?"
Hermione was determined, however.
"We'll get you to, somehow. Somehow, you'll lose your virginity! Even if that means we burn all maps, and run as fast as we can away from it, damn the persistent thing!"
The audience, potent spirits, and Ginny stared in silence. Then:
"Hermione," Ginny declared. "You are like, the smartest!"
--
Draco panted. How hard could it be to find one redhead little girl?
He had gone for days without food, water…his hair! It hadn't had contact with Pantene Pro-V for 48 hours!
He was in the open wilderness now, stumbling away into the desert. Vegetation was growing sparse. There was no water. Nothing.
He had never been so hopeless in his life.
And to top it all, he was seeing illusions now. Several clever mirages were placed in front of him, taking the shape of Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger as they watered their garden. Those bloody mirages thought they were hilarious, didn't they?
"Damn you!" He shouted, charging towards the spiteful mirage.
The mirage turned to stare. And snickered.
'Damn you!" he shouted again. He ran onwards, expecting to run through the shimmering mockeries.
He ran into a solid object.
"Geez, Malfoy, what the hell is wrong with you?" Ginny snapped. She stood dumbfounded with a gardening hoe and a very revealing sundress. "You smell," she said after a moment.
Draco laughed in glee.
"You're real!" he cried, grabbing Ginny by the shoulder. "You are not a figment of my imagination!"
Hermione clucked her tongue.
"You are sad. Don't you know better than to stay out in the sun without a hat, at the very least?"
Hermione whipped out a bottle of sunscreen and blathered it all over Draco's sensitive skin without further ado. Draco didn't care; he let himself be covered by this strange white substance. He let himself be ridiculed by a large straw hat sitting atop his head.
Because he had spotted a most peculiar thing, after all. He was nearly at his goal.
Looking towards the garden, and spotting the sign that read, 'Ginny's Flower', he quickly and deftly reached down and yanked the flower out of the ground, then smashed it within his palms.
"Ha!" he said triumphantly, pumping his fists in the air. "Ha, ha, ha! I am truly great!"
Ginny stared.
"I, DRACO MALFOY, HAVE DEFLOWERED YOU!"
Ginny's mouth gaped as Draco continued to dance around. Bits of sunscreen flew off in many directions. There was not a better feeling than that of accomplishment.
In the distance, however, a large white and disgruntled bird flew over with a package in hand.
"Delivery," it muttered irately. Ginny's confusion grew further as the bird placed in front of Draco and her and basket.
"What's this?" Ginny asked. Even Draco stopped doing the Macarena long enough to look.
"Your baby," the bird sneered.
"My what!" Ginny bellowed. "I can't have a baby! I can't be a Mom! I'm too young! Wah!"
"Sucks to be you," Draco told her cheerfully, his euphoria still not completely gone, now doing the electric slide.
"It's your baby too, bucko," the creature nodded to Draco.
"But—" Draco spluttered. "I don't want a baby! I'm not ready! This is a mistake!"
The bird rolled its eyes.
"Well, that's why you should think before deflowering someone, idiot!"
Turning to Ginny, it muttered, "And you let this freak do the deflowering? GAH, you humans frustrate me!"
Rustling its feathers, the bird flew away.
"Typical young parents! Don't know what the hell they're getting themselves into! Always afraid of commitment!"
And everyone lived happily ever after, including Draco and Ginny Jr.
Moral: Don't let Draco deflower you? No, that's not it…erm, don't listen to storks! Nope, not that either…Save sex until marriage? Nah…Just get familiar with the term 'contraceptives'? Ooh, I know the moral! Never listen to Blaise Zabini! And Fanfiction is BAD!
A/N: I lied. Fanfiction is great. It's great because people like you review.