CHAPTER TWENTY: Judge and Jury
Severus sat outside the headmaster's office. His legs were pulled up in a chair and his forehead leaning against his knees. His hands were entangled in the hair on the back of his head, his arms shielding his face from view. The door of the Headmaster's office creaked open, and Albus looked down on the boy huddled in the cheap fold-out chair.
"Come on in, Severus," he said. Severus didn't move. Albus sighed and grabbed Severus by the elbow, pulling him into a standing position and practically dragging him into the office. He wasn't usually one to drag a student like that, but he had experienced Severus in such a state several times the first time he was a student, and he'd learned that when he got in such a mortified, speechless state, the only way to bring him around was to force him.
Dumbledore let go of the dark-haired boy in front of the empty chair in the room. Severus promptly collapsed into it. He was no longer curled up, but his eyes stayed trained on his feet.
The staff was sitting in chairs against the wall, Narcissa Malfoy was sitting in a chair beside Albus's desk, looking quite somber, and Crabbe and Goyle were sitting nervously in chairs next to Severus's.
Severus felt a trickle of sweat drip down his temple. His heart was racing, his fingers were tingling. His head was bubbling in a dazed feeling of disconnection.
The staff looked at him warily. His eyes were very wide, his face more pale than normal. His shoulders were visibly shaking, and he seemed very unresponsive. Minerva recalled him being in such a state for a few weeks after he was attacked by the Werewolf in his sixth year.
Albus folded his hands on his desk, looking from one boy to another, his eyes finally resting on Severus. "Severus, would you like to tell me what happened?" Albus said. "I've already heard from Gregory and Vincent. I would like to know your version of the story."
Severus shook as he looked from Albus to Narcissa. His eyes even glanced at Goyle and Crabbe for a moment.
"Well, I imagine it all started when I got on the train." His voice shook. "I was upset for having to come back here as a student. Again. None of them even noticed, even Hermione. It was all happy talk about Quidditch," he spat the word. "Of course, I couldn't have any of that, and I kind of blew up at them and stormed out." He shrugged. "I ended up looking out the door in the corridor. At this point, it was still closed." He swallowed heavily. "Anyway, I was minding my own business when that idiot grabbed me from behind." He jerked his head in Goyle's direction. "Draco and Vincent step up in front of me. Draco kept talking about something he'd found out about me." He was shaking badly. "We started arguing and then he kept making insinuations and insults about my, erm, sexual orientation. Calling me a homosexual in almost every offensive way he could think of." He frowned.
They sat in silence for a moment. Severus seemed unable to continue. "Severus?" Albus asked softly. "Please continue."
Severus blinked. "Yes, well. I basically told him he could go fuck himself, and I made blatant mentions of things I'd seen his father do to men. He didn't like that. He called his goons on me. After a good ten or fifteen minutes of being pummeled, they stopped. I was bleeding everywhere. Then Draco told me I was lucky that he hadn't killed me, and that if it wouldn't have resulted in his expulsion that I'd be dead." He swallowed again. "I told him to get the fuck out of my face. He said 'or what? You'll send your gagging-for-it Gryffindor ginger after me?'" Severus swallowed. "That finally snapped me, and I leaned back and kicked him square in the chest. I hadn't really thought about the fact that the door was there, but I wouldn't have imagined it should have made a difference. But the latch bent or broke or something, and the door flew open, and Draco just flew out. He landed on his head and rolled down the hill." Severus looked up at Albus's studying eyes, before swallowing and looking down at his feet again.
Albus steepled his fingers and thought for a moment. "I've decided that none of you will be expelled. This is a very serious matter, but I can see that this was completely accidental. You three will serve six weeks of separate detentions for fighting on the train."
No one said anything for a long time, before Crabbe and Goyle stood up. Dumbledore nodded and they left. The teachers slowly filed out, followed by Narcissa. Severus continued to sit and look at his feet.
"Do you need to talk, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.
"I… I just…" he trembled. A tear dripped from his eye but he brushed it roughly away with the heel of his hand. "I don't know what to think," he said.
"Severus, I know that you were not at fault for what happened. I know that you did not instigate the fight, and I know you would never consciously attempt to harm a student. Kicking him in the chest doesn't make you a murderer. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Please don't feel too guilty about it." Dumbledore said somberly. Severus nodded, rubbing his eyes again.
"Severus… why did he think you were a homosexual?" Dumbledore asked, suddenly.
Severus was caught by surprise. He'd always personally thought of himself as fairly effeminate. That anyone would assume him to be heterosexual was something he barely ever considered. "Because…" Severus said. "Because I am…" he said, wide-eyed.
Dumbledore looked shocked for a moment. "O-oh," he said. "I'm sorry, I never realized,"
"Nothing to be sorry about. I guess I'm not very public… about anything," Severus murmured. "I've always assumed it was obvious. I mean look at me," he smirked slightly, sniffing. "Someone told Draco. I'm not sure who. There was an incident last term when I ended up kissing Ron Weasley. It was an accident, I assure you. That's what Draco was talking about with the ginger comment. I'm not sure why it made me so angry. Like I would ever really be involved with a Gryffindor, right?" He sniffed again, smiling slightly.
Dumbledore looked shocked again, before his face turned gentle. "I suppose, Severus, that the day you date a Gryffindor will be the day I join the deatheaters," he smiled at the boy, before waving a hand to dismiss him. Severus plunged his hands into his pockets, a gnawing guilt still eating at his insides, and walked out of the room.
****
Severus sat at the dinner table in the Great Hall. He looked hollow-eyed and haggard. "Severus," Hermione said when she sat down. She looked sympathetic. Harry looked sympathetic, too, perhaps thinking about Cedric's death and how it felt to blame yourself for someone else dying. "We heard what happened," she said.
"Did you?" he said hoarsely. He felt unable to eat anything, and stared at the plate of food that Hermione had heaped in front of him.
"I'm so sorry," Hermione said. Ron stared, his blue eyes thoughtful.
"For what? He wasn't my son or my friend." Severus snapped, pushing the food away. "I'm not hungry." He said. His hands shook.
"I know you weren't friends with him, Severus, but I know you must feel guilty and upset about it," Hermione said.
"It wasn't my fault!" Severus snapped, glaring at her. "It was an accident!"
"Psychologists say there's no such thing as an accident," Seamus, who had been eavesdropping, said. Severus looked over sharply.
"Have you ever even been to a psychologist?" Severus hissed at Seamus. "Don't you know that Psychologists are full of bullshit? They don't know what the hell they're talking about!"
Seamus opened his mouth, but seeing the anger burning in Severus's eyes, he closed it.
The rest of dinner followed in awkward silence.
****
Ron rapped lightly on Severus's new quarters door. The door jerked open a few inches, snapping to a halt at the end of the metal chain. "What?" Severus snapped through the door.
"I just wanted to talk," Ron said.
Severus looked at him suspiciously. "No," he finally said.
"What?" Ron said in puzzlement.
"I said no. Get the hell out of here," Severus narrowed his eyes. As he moved to close the door, Ron pushed his body against the door, using his strength to keep Severus from closing it. He wormed his long fingers around the cool wood of the door to somehow unlatch the chain. The door fell open and he tumbled into Severus.
This time, they managed to keep from falling in a heap on the floor. Ron let the door close behind him, his eyes adjusting to the dimmer firelight of the room. Severus's button-up black work shirt was hanging open, and Ron could see a few dark streams of blood running down his porcelain skin to be absorbed into the elastic of his boxer shorts, which were sticking about a centimeter above the waist of his trousers.
Severus's fingers were smeared slightly red, and a fingerprint of blood was on his right cheek, which had been hidden by the door. His hair was slightly disheveled, and some red spots were on the previously flawless pale green carpeting.
"Jesus, Snape," Ron said. Severus frowned slightly. Ron hadn't addressed him as Snape in awhile.
"Why do you do that to yourself?" Ron asked. "What's wrong with you?"
"I don't…" Severus trembled. He touched the wound on the lower part of his ribcage. "I don't… Fuck," he said. "I don't even know,"
"Doesn't it hurt?" Ron asked.
Severus looked down at the hot blood crawling onto his fingers. "I don't really notice it. It's like this tension builds and builds and then, when I do it, all that tension just bleeds away." He swallowed. Ron could see his Adam's apple move.
"Let me heal it for you," Ron said softly. Severus looked at him questioningly, but when Ron walked forward with his wand, he made no move to step away. Ron bent his head, pushing the dark cloth of Severus's shirt out of the way to reveal a wound on the thin boy's ribcage and a long razor cut on his chest. He raised his wand and healed the wounds with a glowing pastel blue light. He could feel Severus trembling beneath his fingers as he took a handkerchief out of his robes and wiped the blood from Severus's body. Two small, pale scars showed where he had healed him. He looked up, into Severus's face.
Severus kept eye contact for a moment, before his long eyelashes drooped and he turned his head slightly, his raven hair falling to mask half of his face. Ron stepped closer, pulling his body against Severus's, his arms wrapping around the thin frame of the dark-haired boy.
Severus leaned in to the warm comfort of Ron's arms. He let his head drop to the side, falling comfortably into the crook of Ron's neck. Ron's hand rubbed Severus's warm back, his other one moving to stroked the dark hair that he was so attracted to. The soft, feathery feeling making his heart throb.
"I really like you Severus," Ron said. Severus's mouth seemed to have found its way to the tender flesh of Ron's neck. Ron felt his eyes close in pleasure. Severus's hand moved to the back of Ron's head, guiding him to follow as he backed up, entering a large sitting room with dark green leather furniture. He guided Ron onto a surprisingly soft leather sofa, which sank like a feather pillow under their weight. Severus looked up, his intense eyes burning with need. There was a pause between the two of them, before Severus's mouth contacted Ron's. Ron sank into the kiss, his fingers dancing along the bare chest of the other boy.
****
Ron opened his eyes. Sunlight was dripping into the room from high windows along the ceiling. He was struck with a moment of confusion, before the heavy weight of another body alerted him that he was probably not in the dormitory. A head of black hair greeted him as he looked down. A pale shoulder and hand on his bare chest led to the body of Severus Snape, once his most hated teacher, and the first boy he'd ever kissed. A heavy green duvet was pulled over the two of them and he remembered the night before. As he stirred, Severus's hand moved slightly, before he lifted his head, his sleepy eyes looking into the blue depths of Ron's.
"Oh," he said. He lifted himself up with one arm. Ron realized that his own body was clothed to match Severus, nothing but his boxer shorts. It made sense, considering how they'd almost actually made love the night before. He was strangely glad that he hadn't. He didn't think he was ready for something of that level.
"Fuck," Severus said, suddenly, his eyes widening. He looked to the clock on the wall. "Class!" He said with a sense of urgency. Ron looked over, and was standing and pulling his clothing on within thirty seconds.
****