Scene 4
Touya: Unbelievable! Can you believe that guy? Waltzing around here singing…(begins to hop around the stage, trying to copy Duo)
Mihoshi: Gee, that's mean. And besides, it was more like this! (hops and twists around the stage trying to copy Duo also, but then stops as she sees Duo behind her)
Duo: …(cringes and walks away sadly)
Mihoshi: Now see what you've made me do!
Touya: Hehehehe…
Suzuka: (punches Touya's jaw, deforming it) Hmph.
Touya: Ouch!
Clef: Maybe someone should go and talk to him.
Kiyone: I'll do it. Ever since that pilot came tap dancing in this city…err…town he's been nothing but trouble.
Touya: (fixes his jaw) Yeah, especially to you.
Kiyone: Hey, Duo, I'm not sorry that your feelings got hurt back there, but the fact is…
Duo: I don't understand. What happened back there? Was it the way I kept saying pretty?
Kiyone: No, it's your hair.
Duo: (gasps) My hair?!
Kiyone: (stiffles a laugh by slapping her forehead) No, not really.
Clef: What the? That' not in the script either!
Tomoyo: Shh!
Duo: Oh, ok. As I was saying, was it the way I kept repeating that word? Because if I kept repeating, I could clear it up back there with…
Kiyone: Duo, they don't care!
Duo: They don't?
Kiyone: Well duh! Wasn't it obvious from the beginning? Anyway, why are so determined to be a moron all the time?
Duo: I am? Oh, I mean, it wasn't like that from where I came from, wherever that is.
Kiyone: Well maybe that's where you should have stayed. Where did you come from anyway?
Duo: (shrugs) I dunno. Maya never wrote where I came from, so I have no clue.
Kiyone: Uh, ok, whatever…
Squall: Hey that's my line!
Clef: This is a messed up play.
(Kiyone walks out, laughing as she gets to the back of the stage. Ascot rolls his eyes and walks towards the stage with his stupid penguin suit.)
Ascot: Hey, mister, you still here?
Duo: (looks up) Oh, it's you.
Ascot: No duh! Anyway (clears throat) what's up with that pint sized midget? I thought you were great!
Duo: Really?
Ascot: No, not really. I just have to say it since it's written here in this script. But anyway, do you think you could show me some of your moves?
Duo: Sure. (stands up and begins to dance)
(Ascot tries to follow, but slips on his shiny shoes and falls on his butt. Duo restrains his face from laughing, but is unsuccessful. Suddenly, Quatre comes up on the stage, dragging behind him a piano.)
Quatre: I hate my life. (drags the piano towards the stage and begins to play a funny tune on it.)
Duo: Hey, what's that sound?
Ascot: (still sore from his previous fall) Isn't it obvious what it is? It's right in front of you.
Duo: You're supposed to pretend that you don't see it, dummy.
Ascot: How can I pretend if he's right there in front of me?
Duo: Forget it. (walks towards Quatre and whispers something to him) Psst…how come you had to drag that all the way here?
Quatre: Because Heero's too lazy to move it for me.
Duo: Typical. I mean, uh…anyway…Oh my gosh it's you! It's really you! Who are you again?
Quatre: (rolls his eyes) I'm Quatre Wooly, that dude who has to always do the opening of every movie.
Ascot: You mean you're the mammoth?
Quatre: Huh?
Duo: If you're a mammoth, where's Quatre! Alright, where is he?!
Quatre: Huh? I don't know what you're talking about! I AM Quatre! And I'm not a mammoth. I'm the Grandfather of all Pilots.
Ascot: Oh, you sure don't look it.
Duo: Hiya, gramps!
Quatre: Don't call me that!
Duo: Yeah, yeah, sure, gramps. Now anyway, your piano playing sounds great!
Quatre: You mean it?
Duo: No not really, I'm just saying that because it's part of the script.
Quatre: I should've known.
Ascot: So anyway, how come you don't play that kind of music around the studio?
Quatre: That's because they don't care about us pilots. Ever since they saw Miss Emeraude, who's a pint sized witch if you ask me…
Emeraude: I heard that!
Quatre: No pilots have gotten their chance in show biz after Miss Emeraude showed up. Look behind you.
Duo: (looks behind him) Yeah? What's up behind me?
Quatre: Oh shoot! I forgot something! (runs out of the stage and grabs a handful of pictures, then runs back and slams the pictures down on the piano) There! Now look behind you.
Duo: (looks at the pictures and cringes as he sees one with Touya and Suzuka dancing together) Yeesh, do they really dance?
Quatre: Never mind that. Anyway, there were so many broken dreams of stardom.
Duo: (glances at a picture of Clef in a pirate suit with an eye patch over his eye) I can see why.
Ascot: (chokes as he begins to laugh) Hehehehehehe…
Clef: Hey! How'd they get that picture?
Aisha: Hey, shut up, kid! I can't hear what they're saying!
Clef: I'm not a kid, you animal!
Aisha: What did you call me!?
Squall: Hey both of you shut up already!
Duo: (glances at another picture) Woah! Is that Kiyone?
Quatre: Huh? Let me see! (grabs the picture from Duo and stares at it) Hey, that's Kiyone?! Damn she's HOT!!
Kiyone: (screams from backstage) Yes, it IS ME! You got a problem with that!?
Quatre: (clears throat) Eh hem…Ah, Kiyone. I thought she would be the one to make it. She had the voice of an angel and could dance like there was no tomorrow.
Duo: Yeah…and check out those curves. Hey, Quatre, how do like them apples, eh eh eh?
Quatre: Hehehe…(sees Kiyone aiming her gun at him and clears his throat) Ehem! I mean…But of course she didn't make it, so that means she sucks.
Kiyone: EXCUSE ME!!!
Ascot: HEY SHUT UP BACK THERE! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLAY!
Duo: (sweat drop) Um…ok…Really? I've got an idea!
Ascot: Oh no…
Duo: What if we show them how good we pilots really are? And anyway (drools over the picture of Kiyone in a pretty dress)… Hehehe…
Quatre: Hmm…Not a bad idea…But I've got a better one. Why don't we go in front of Mammoth Studios and scream as loud as we can "PIZZA HUT JAPAN! MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER!!!" and then…RUN LIKE HELL afterwards!!!!!!
Duo: That's a great idea, but no, we're not gonna do it. So anyway, here's the plan…
Act 2
Scene 1
Fuu: Heero, hurry up! We have to change the scenery!
Heero: Do I have to drag that piano back here?
Aisha: Well duh! Now hurry up already. The audience is gonna get impatient!
Jim: What audience? You mean those twelve who left a long time ago after they saw how bad everyone was acting?
Sakura: Not exactly. There's a funny looking man with red hair sitting in the front row.
Syaoran: I think he's waving at you, Jim.
Jim: What? Let me check it out. (looks outside for a second, then walks away, looking irritated)
Fuu: I wonder what's gotten into him.
Aisha: Oh he's just mad that Gene and Melfina showed up to actually watch the play.
Umi: I'm surprised they didn't leave.
Quistis: I'm surprised they're still alive…
Some dude: Alright, I'll need two yellow pilots and that's all. The rest of you can go home.
Touya: Back to your lives ladies and gentlemen.
Suzuka: I should've known. I better get paid for this.
Clef: Oh well, today's a bummer, might as well go home and clean up, wherever that is. In fact, where DO I live?
Mihoshi: I dunno. I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Suzuka: She's impossible.
Clef: Last night my fortune cookie said, "Give it up, you loser." HEY WHO YOU CALLIN' A LOSER! WHY YOU PIECE OF…(smashes the cookie and rips the fortune into a thousand pieces)
Duo: Ladies and gentlemen! Wait a sec!
(Everyone ignores Duo and keeps on walking off the stage.)
Duo: (begins to get angry) HEY! I said WAIT A SEC!
(Everyone turns back around and glares at Duo.)
Duo: Okay, now that I've got your attention, everyone, listen up! (clears his throat for his next song, but shuts his mouth tight as Limp Bizkit began to play again on the radio)
Radio: …Stick it up your YEAH! Stick it up you YEAH! I did it all for the nookie…
Jim: What the?!
Aisha: Hey, Ferio, were you listening to that Limp Bizkit CD again?
Ferio: Huh? No, I thought I took that CD out.
(In the corner, Heero, Lantis, and Eagle are singing along to Limp Bizkit.)
Heero: Stick it up your…
Eagle & Latins: YEAH!
Heero: Stick it up your…
Eagle & Lantis: YEAH!
Sakura: Hey, take it out already. (takes out the CD and plays Duo's second song)
Duo: (clears his throat for a second time) C'mon everybody, gather around. Don't let this old…town get you down. Look at you there with the long, long face…
Mihoshi: (turns towards Touya) Hey, he must be talking to you.
Duo: You take this, and you take that…(begins to throw plastic props in different directions) Come on over here, Clef, and put on this hat! Hehehe…
Clef: No, I am NOT putting that ridiculous hat on.
Suzuka: Just do it.
Duo: (slaps the pirate hat on Clef's head) If we all work together, we can make our dreams come true. Let's show the world what we can do.
Mihoshi: We're going on cable?
Touya: I don't believe this…
Duo: (sweat drop) Ascot…HEY, ASCOT!
Ascot: Okay, okay! Wait a sec you know! (drags a set of glass bottles and plastic ones towards the stage)
Duo: Uh, Ascot, I thought you were going to play your drum set?
Ascot: Yeah. What do you think theses are for? (holds up a couple of pots and pans with a spatula in his hand and begins to play really good)
Duo: Um…okay.
(Suddenly, the curtains begin to open wider as Quatre drags the heavy piano back on stage. After a moment, he begins to play madly.)
Duo: I've got rhythm in my feet. I've got rhythm in my heart and soul. I've got rhythm…hot and sweet. Sometimes rhythm makes me loose control. HA-CHA WA-CHA!! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! Want everyone to have loads of fun that I have! I've got rhythm…so do you! Lets turn them on and show them what we can do??? Huh? Oh well…anyway…(begins to dance with Mihoshi, and winces as Mihoshi steps on his toes)
Touya: I don't believe this!
Suzuka: I can't believe I have to do this…I mean…Hey, shut up already and show me what you've got! (grabs Touya's hand and begins to dance with him the tango)
(Meanwhile, Kiyone is typing away on her typewriter practically nothing and then begins to type away into the tune of the music.)
Kiyone: Huh? (gets up from her seat and watches Duo and everyone else act like morons) What's up with this?
Touya: (looking happy) Hey, Kiyone! Grab a partner and dosey-do!
Kiyone: What's gotten into them? Oh well…
Duo: Hey, Kiyone. C'mon, dance with me. I HEARD that you were really good once.
Kiyone: (looking insulted) And who told you that?
Quatre: Hey, don't look at me!
(Everyone looks at him for a minute.)
Kiyone: Well, I see. Listen, Duo, it's just a waste of your time.
Duo: Alright, see ya.
Kiyone: On second thought, I bet you that I can dance better than you!
Duo: You're on!
Clef: Is that in the script?
Kiyone: Hmph! (Posses her galaxy space police pose)
Duo: (floats on his three-foot braid) Not bad, very rusty, but hey, you're not perfect, unlike me!
Kiyone: Rusty? I'll give you rusty. Hehehe…(tap dances towards Duo and makes him fall in a garbage can which Selphie and Quistis made, making it nice and sturdy)
Duo: Uh, hey, Kiyone, my butt seems to be stuck…so if you could please help me out, I'd really appreciate…
Kiyone: (grins evilly) Sorry, but I've got a dance competition to win.
Duo: Oh that is so unfair! Ascot! ASCOT! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Ascot: (sighs reluctantly) You're so demanding…(kicks at the garbage can, making Duo topple over in pain)
Duo: Ouch…Hey, Kyone! I'm gonna win this contest! (begins to dance like there's no tomorrow, while Kiyone does the same)
Emeraude: (hums the Smirfs theme song) Now, to make myself beautiful and elegant.
Lafarga: (rolls his eyes, and roughly places two cucumber slices onto Emeraude's eyes) Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Squall: Grr…
Emeraude: Hey! Ouch, watch it!
Lafarga: Yeah right.
Emeraude: Oh, what is that horrible racket? (walks towards the dancing pilots) Just look at them, Laffy. Dancing away like silly pilots, or whatever they are. Laffy? (glances at Lafarga, dancing the Macarena) LAFFY!
Lafarga: Huh? Oh, yeah, right, sure.
Duo: Getting tired?
Kiyone: Tired, ha! I've just barely begun!
Duo: Good, cause I'm just getting warmed up!
(The two dance faster and faster, eyeing each other evilly. Suddenly, the music stops, and both of them collapse onto the floor.)
Kiyone: Just…(begins to pant) like I said. It's just a waste of time.
Duo: Aw, c'mon, you know I won.
Kiyone: You're dreaming, Duo. And besides you collapsed first, making me the winner.
Duo: Bull…I mean anyway, what if I can get us an audition with L.B. Mammoth.
Kiyone: And who's that?
Duo: (checks his script) Oh, I mean…B.F. Mammoth.
Kiyone: Oh…B.F. Mammoth? Head of Quatre Studios?
Quatre: I don't' get it. If the studio is named after me, then how come I don't own it?
Clef: Shut up!
Duo: Well, duh! The one and only B.F. Mammoth…And he'll probably be the first and the last since he's gonna get lung cancer in a couple of years…
Baofu: Hey! Yo, Maya, tell Suou to arrest that little brat when you get to see him.
Maya: What for?
Baofu: For acting like Tatsuya!
Maya: Oh brother…I wish you'd act your age for once.
Kiyone: I'd like to see you try. (leaves the stage, making sure not to trip on anything on the way out, but she trips over one of Ascot's pots, falling onto the curtain.)
Ascot: Can you really get us an audition with B.F.?
Duo: Sure! Have I ever let you down?
Suzuka: That's what I'm worried about.
Touya: Hey, um…what're Emeraude and Lafarga doing over there?
Emeraude: Hey, you're' not supposed to see us!
Mihoshi: Well you're right in front of us, so how can we not see you?
Emeraude: Never mind! Just pretend that I'm not here! Now anyway…(clears throat) An audition with B.F. Mammoth. Laffy, invite that pilot to…TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAA…
Laffy: That's nice.
Scene2
(Duo walks inside a pink mansion and cringes in disgust.)
Emeraude: I'm so glad you could come, Danny…
Duo: (looks behind him) Huh? It's Duo.
Emeraude: Whatever…
Squall: HEY! Why is everyone saying my line?
Selphie: Shut up!
Emeruade: I wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday. Laffy can be such a bad butler. (punches Lafarga, knocking him out)
Lafarga: …Ow…
Duo: Well, okay, apology accepted!
Emeraude: Well, isn't there a certain way I could make it all up to you?
Duo: Uh…(sips from his cup and spits it back out) GROSS! What is this stuff?
Emeraude: Juice.
Duo: Yeah, well what kind of juice?
Emeraude: Prune juice…
Duo: (spits out again and coughs in disgust) GROSS! That stuff is disgusting! What're you trying to do, poison me?!
Emeraude: Isn't that the whole point?
Duo: Haha…very funny. Now that's not part of the script.
Emeraude: Oh you're no fun. Anyway…Isn't there something I could do to help you?
Duo: Uh…
Emeraude: Isn't there a certain someone I can introduce you to?
Duo: Uh…Oh I know! You could introduce me to Britney Spears! I LOVE her music. (begins to sing) Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart, got lost in the game…
Tomoyo: I never knew Duo was a big fan of Britney Spears.
Heero: Sad, but true.
Emeraude: NO YOU MORON! You're supposed to say, B.F. Mammoth!
Duo: Oh man! I don't wanna meet that old geezer who's gonna die from lung cancer!
Baofu: That's it, I'm gonna get him!
(Maya and Hikaru restrain him.)
Baofu: Let me at him! Let me at him!
Hikaru: Baofu, it's not your part yet!
Emeraude: Duo!
Duo: Okay, okay…(Sarcastically) Yeah, well there is someone you could introduce me to.
Emeraude: Oh gee, who could that be? It better not be Britney Spears.
Duo: Maybe you could set up an audition for me with B.F. Mammoth?
Emeraude: Why, Dennis, I'd love to help you out! (sips the prune juice down in one gulp)
Duo: (cringes disgustedly) It's Duo.
Emeraude: However, I do have one advice for you…Hit it, Laffy!
(Lafarga groans as he gets up from the floor. He then pulls a lever, making the table Emeraude was sitting on, disappear. In its place fell a piano, falling on top of Emeraude.)
Emeraude: Stupid piano…(begins to sing hoarsely) I've seen 'em come. And I've seen 'em go. There's one thing that I know.
Duo: Woah, you must be pretty old.
Emeraude: Shut up. (continues to sing) You gotta give the people…what they want. Or you'll wind up back in Kokomo, Nebraska…
Duo: Huh? Is that where I live? And isn't Kokomo in Indiana?
Emeraude: Whatever.
Squall: ARGH!
Emeraude: They like it big. They like it loud. Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes. Mister pi-hi-lot, listen to me. You don't have to be good. But you had better be…
Lafarga: Get hot, Miss Dimple…
Emeraude: BIG AND LOUD! They like it big and loud! Wanna make your mama proud! (licks a lollipop and then sticks it onto Lafarga's hair) Make it big!
Lafarga: I'm gonna get her for that.
Emeraude: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand…LOOUUU – HACK…(begins to cough before finishing the song)
Duo: (a little deaf from Emeraude's voice) …
Emeraude: Leaves you kinda speechless…Don't it?
Duo: Oh yeah, definitely, speechless.
Emeraude: Well thanks again for visiting, Douglas. Come back again!
Duo: Like I'll ever. And it's Duo! Well, thank you for your hospitality. I'm very grateful…hehe…
Emeraude: Ta ta, Danny! See you soon. Bye now! See you in the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVIES!!!!!
Lafarga: You want the phone now? Hello? Pick up. Any time now would be great. (waits awhile as Emeraude spaces out)
Emeraude: (picks up the phone and dials a number) Hello?
Some dude: Pizza Hut Japan, how can I help you?
Emeraude: Two boxes of cheese pizza on the double!
Some dude: Sure thing, Miss Dimple, whoever you are.
Lafarga: Uh, Miss Dimple, aren't you supposed to call for your schedule?
Emeraude: Huh? Oh yeah…(hangs up and dials another number) Is my movie scheduled on Friday?
Some dude: Yes, Miss Dimple
Emeraude: Oh, thank you, sooooooooooooooooooooo much.