Chapter 5
Snape put on his large black top hat and marched out of the castle. Marching behind him was his army of different colour ducks from red to purple. Snape looked serious and the ducks were quacking along to Snape's army song.
"I don't know what I've been told"
"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"
"I like muffins covered in greenish mold!"
"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"
"Muffins"
"Qu-ack"
"Muffins in greenish mold"
"Quack quack quack quack"
"Greenish mold!"
"Quack quack!"
"Attention!" Snape hollered, as they filed onto the grounds.
All the ducks got into a straight line, with their beaks in the air. Snape walked up and down the line, glaring at each one in turn.
"Beaky, where's Cracker?" Snape hollered at the green duck near the end of the line.
"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"
"Who said he could paint with Jacy!" Snape yelled. "Well! I've NEVER seen such politeness in ALL my minutes as a commander!" He said furiously.
Harry tossed open the doors and hurried out onto the ground.
"Snape!" he hollered importantly. He stopped where he was, not far from Snape, dressed in an expensive tuxedo and black tie. In his hand, he carried a silver briefcase. "We need to talk"
"Yes, sir" Snape said importantly, prancing over to where Harry stood. "What is it?" he asked excitedly. "Do I look fat?"
"No"
"God, I look fat, don't I?!" Snape exclaimed in horror.
"No, you don't" Harry said firmly.
"Why don't you just tell me if I look fat?" Snape asked hurtfully, tears welling in his eyes.
"You don't-"
"I look fat!" Snape wailed.
"Severus Amelia Snape!" Harry yelled. "You shut up right now, or I'll tell Jacy you swiped her pie!"
Snape looked at Harry in horror and fell trembling to his knees, grabbing the hem of his pants.
"Please no! She'll kill me! She kills for pie!"
Harry stuck his tongue out at Snape. "Get up" he growled.
Obediently, Snape got to his feet, and regained his anger and seriousness immediately.
"What the HELL do you want?!" he bellowed in his face.
"We've run into a little problem, Snape. The squids are low on money and won't leave the aquarium to go to Neptune"
Snape gasped. "Those idiots!"
"I know. So I was wondering if you would make a generous donation to provide them with the cash to leave the aquarium to face Doctor Meatloaf and his army of adorable chipmunks!"
Snape shook his head in pure horror. "Thee Doctor Meatloaf?! The same Doctor Meatloaf who threatens to eat all the bertie botts beans in the world and locking all the bad people up in something called a jail and attack the squids on Neptune?"
Harry nodded and Snape dug frantically into his pockets, and started dumping handfuls of American money into Harry's hands, until five minutes later, his pockets were empty and Harry's pockets looked like balloons.
"Is that enough dirty, dirty money to get the squids to leave the aquarium in order to fight Doctor Meatloaf who'll attack them with adorable chipmunks on Neptune in order to put all the bad people in a jail and make this world go upside down?"
Harry thought, then answered. "N-yeah" he nodded and waddled off towards the school, only to have Jacy exit the school, wheeling a wheel barrow stacked high with pies.
"Good evening Snape" Jacy said politely, passing him.
"Up yours!" Snape hollered, pulling out his plunger and arrow. He placed the toilet plunger in the bow and slung it at Jacy's head. It hit the top of her head and stuck to it.
Jacy turned around to face the mirror that sat in the middle of the grounds.
"You look hot, dearie" the mirror wheezed.
"Damn, I look good!" Jacy exclaimed brightly. She turned back to her wheel barrow and wheeled it into the Forbidden Forest.
Snape whipped around to his army of ducks and sighed.
"You're all fired" he spat angrily. "You all like Jacy! I hate you!"
The ducks shrugged and waddled off in different directions. Snape fell back to his knees, sobbing into his hands.
"Why me?!" he sobbed. He felt someone patting his back reassuringly.
"There, there, it's okay" said a muffled voice and then a chewing sound.
Snape looked up to see Jacy, patting his back, the toilet plunger still on her head and a large, mushy piece of pie in her hand. The berries inside the pie were falling everywhere and it was all over her face and hands.
"Are- are you an angel?" Snape asked, amazed.
"No, I'm Jacy" Jacy said brightly. "Would an angel do this..." she sat there, blinking.
Snape looked at the camera and shook his head.
"She is such an idiot" he said truthfully, then looked back at Jacy. "Whoa there, girlfriend. I'm not going to take any bull sh-" there was an loud beeping noise. "This is just bull sh-" beep. "Why do you f-" beep "think I'm going take this bull sh-" beep "from you, you little mother f-" beep.
Jacy covered her ears.
"Swim away, swim away!" she shrieked, then she let out a blood curling shriek- she had dropped her pie!
"Oh god! NO!!!" Jacy hollered, running off for the Forbidden Forest.
"You've got to help me!" Snape pleaded, turning towards the pirate.
"Don't look at me, I'm a pirate, mate" the man said angrily. "Besides, I've got enough troubles on me hands! The Black Pearl has taken me boots!" he explained, pointing at his horrid yellow socks.
"Thanks for your help" Snape said angrily, turning to his right this time, to the nun. Snape jumped on the nun's back.
"Quick! You've got to fly me to the forest"
"Sir, we nuns cannot fly" the nun said wisely.
"Are you saying I'm fat?!" Snape shrieked, tears bursting from his eyes, as he ran to Neville's purple horse and jumped on it. "Ride George, ride!" he cried out, heading for the forest as fast as the horse could.
He found Jacy's house easily. It could have been the size of the Great Hall easily. It was made of rolls of white toilet paper. The patio was made out of toilet paper, the sun roof was made out of toilet paper and all the furniture was made out of empty rolls of toilet paper.
Snape clumsily slid off the purple horse and ran up to Jacy's front door, which was opened by Jacy herself.
"Yes?" Jacy said rudely. "Jacy's Residence. You kill 'em, I grill 'em"
"I wanted to know if you had any toilet paper" Snape said hurriedly. "It's a...uh...an emergency" he said, embarrassed, clutching himself.
"That's not right" Jacy said in disgust, then she thought. "No sorry, I'm all out"
"Well, all right then, I know when you're not lying. Have a happy day"
"Maybe I won't! It's not my birthday, Snape" she said softly. She walked outside and ripped off her door. She tossed it all to the elephants and scared the purple horse away, before carrying her apple pie back up to the castle to go see Malfoy.
Jacy walked around the lake and saw a pirate standing there, cursing at a disappearing ship and at the same time, yanking on a pair of boots. She crept up behind him, trying not to laugh.
"A-CHOO!" Jacy screamed into the pirate's ear.
The pirate whipped around, rubbing his ear painfully.
"Look, if you're going to do that, wait until I like you"
"Where?" Jacy said, looking around.
"Captain Jack Sparrow" the pirate said, holding out his hand for Jacy to shake, which she did.
"Betty Brown" Jacy said happily, letting go of his hand. "I mean no! Florence, wait no...." Jacy thought for a few minutes, then grinned. "I'm Jacy"
"Oh, okay, that's not right" the pirate muttered. "Whatever, I need someone to wash my clothes..." he stared at Jacy hopefully.
"Okay, I'll go find someone"
"No, no.... the pirate code states you have to do it" Captain Sparrow pulled out a 100 foot long scroll, and let it roll across the founds. "See! First rule- If you should ever meet Jacy, she shall do thy laundry"
"Hmm... that's convincing" Jacy said thoughtfully. "I got it! How about the evil robots do the cooking!"
"Um... I think you're missing the point"
"No, no, I got it. I can bring in the mail, but you have to sweep"
"Yeah, okay, any chance you'll share that pie?" the pirate said with a sigh, annoyed that Jacy didn't want to help him.
"Who do I look like? A normal person! I can't share this!" Jacy exclaimed angrily. "Look, just make the wedding proposal"
"What wedding proposal?!" Captain Sparrow asked loudly.
"Our's" Jacy said hurtfully. "But I can see you aren't ready to make a part time commitment to me!" Jacy sobbed, tears bursting from her eyes.
"Oh dear god..." he turned back towards the lake, looking desperate. "Hey! Captain of the Black Pearl! Whatever your name is! I've changed my mind! I'll die for you!" he hollered.
Jacy took him by the arm and dragged him up to the castle.
"You've got a lot of explaining to do, Jack"
"The name is NOT Jack, its Pamela" Captain Sparrow snapped. "Yes it is...I saw the movie about a hundred times!" Jacy giggled at him. "No, it's Jack! I watched your movie a billion times!"
"What movie?" he asked incredously. "The movie! Pirates of the Caribbean!" Jacy said happily "They made a movie about me?" "Yes, and I loved it! I love you!"
"That's horrible! I don't even look like a freaking normal person, mate!"
"No one does" Jacy mumbled. "Now run along upstairs to our bedroom, before Johnny sees us"
"Why, what are we going to do?"
"Play bingo!" Jacy said cheerfully. "Come on!" Jacy pulled the struggling pirate inside and upstairs to the Gryfinndor Common Room.
Ginny was the only one in here and she was staring at the fireplace, looking calm, but screaming Harry's name.
Jacy ran over and taped up her mouth. She then dragged Ginny, who stayed limp in Jacy's grasp, as she pulled her to the window. Captain Sparrow ran after Jacy and stopped her.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He exclaimed.
"Uh, I think it's obvious. Putting her out the window!"
"You'll kill her"
"Uh, Jack, I think you've forgotten she can fly"
"Oh okay... And it's Pamela"
He helped Jacy seat Ginny on the window, then he opened the window as Jacy took off the tape. They shoved her out the window and watched her fall to the ground.
"Son of a-" Ginny yelled, hitting the ground with a very loud thump, covering her last word.
Jacy and the pirate stared at each other.
"That was dumb" Jacy muttered. "Hey! Ginny! Do you still love me anyway?" she yelled out the window.
"You know it!" Ginny yelled back, getting to her feet, despite every broken bone in her body and walking back into the distance.
Jacy beamed. "Score!" she yelled, shutting the window. "Now EVERYONE loves me!"
"I don't"
"Oh, Jackie, don't lie" Jacy giggled. "But, it's okay, because hating me counts as loving me..."
"For the last time, it's Pamela" Jack hissed
"You know, you'd look better as a man"
"WHAT?!" he yelled furiously.
"Whoa, dmy" Jacy muttered, walking off.
"Don't use those letters!" he snapped. "What do they mean?" he asked more calmly.
"Don't mess yourself" Jacy said dully.
The pirate went bright red.
"Well, uh, it's a little late for that"
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the following items, and take no credit for them, and no money is being made.
-Harry Potter characters -Jacy (obviously) -Pirates of the Caribbean (movie and Jack Sparrow) -Reference to nuns flying; this I borrowed from The Simpsons, who I assume got it from the show "The Flying Nun" -Quotes of Jacy were taken from Finding Nemo
Snape put on his large black top hat and marched out of the castle. Marching behind him was his army of different colour ducks from red to purple. Snape looked serious and the ducks were quacking along to Snape's army song.
"I don't know what I've been told"
"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"
"I like muffins covered in greenish mold!"
"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"
"Muffins"
"Qu-ack"
"Muffins in greenish mold"
"Quack quack quack quack"
"Greenish mold!"
"Quack quack!"
"Attention!" Snape hollered, as they filed onto the grounds.
All the ducks got into a straight line, with their beaks in the air. Snape walked up and down the line, glaring at each one in turn.
"Beaky, where's Cracker?" Snape hollered at the green duck near the end of the line.
"Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack"
"Who said he could paint with Jacy!" Snape yelled. "Well! I've NEVER seen such politeness in ALL my minutes as a commander!" He said furiously.
Harry tossed open the doors and hurried out onto the ground.
"Snape!" he hollered importantly. He stopped where he was, not far from Snape, dressed in an expensive tuxedo and black tie. In his hand, he carried a silver briefcase. "We need to talk"
"Yes, sir" Snape said importantly, prancing over to where Harry stood. "What is it?" he asked excitedly. "Do I look fat?"
"No"
"God, I look fat, don't I?!" Snape exclaimed in horror.
"No, you don't" Harry said firmly.
"Why don't you just tell me if I look fat?" Snape asked hurtfully, tears welling in his eyes.
"You don't-"
"I look fat!" Snape wailed.
"Severus Amelia Snape!" Harry yelled. "You shut up right now, or I'll tell Jacy you swiped her pie!"
Snape looked at Harry in horror and fell trembling to his knees, grabbing the hem of his pants.
"Please no! She'll kill me! She kills for pie!"
Harry stuck his tongue out at Snape. "Get up" he growled.
Obediently, Snape got to his feet, and regained his anger and seriousness immediately.
"What the HELL do you want?!" he bellowed in his face.
"We've run into a little problem, Snape. The squids are low on money and won't leave the aquarium to go to Neptune"
Snape gasped. "Those idiots!"
"I know. So I was wondering if you would make a generous donation to provide them with the cash to leave the aquarium to face Doctor Meatloaf and his army of adorable chipmunks!"
Snape shook his head in pure horror. "Thee Doctor Meatloaf?! The same Doctor Meatloaf who threatens to eat all the bertie botts beans in the world and locking all the bad people up in something called a jail and attack the squids on Neptune?"
Harry nodded and Snape dug frantically into his pockets, and started dumping handfuls of American money into Harry's hands, until five minutes later, his pockets were empty and Harry's pockets looked like balloons.
"Is that enough dirty, dirty money to get the squids to leave the aquarium in order to fight Doctor Meatloaf who'll attack them with adorable chipmunks on Neptune in order to put all the bad people in a jail and make this world go upside down?"
Harry thought, then answered. "N-yeah" he nodded and waddled off towards the school, only to have Jacy exit the school, wheeling a wheel barrow stacked high with pies.
"Good evening Snape" Jacy said politely, passing him.
"Up yours!" Snape hollered, pulling out his plunger and arrow. He placed the toilet plunger in the bow and slung it at Jacy's head. It hit the top of her head and stuck to it.
Jacy turned around to face the mirror that sat in the middle of the grounds.
"You look hot, dearie" the mirror wheezed.
"Damn, I look good!" Jacy exclaimed brightly. She turned back to her wheel barrow and wheeled it into the Forbidden Forest.
Snape whipped around to his army of ducks and sighed.
"You're all fired" he spat angrily. "You all like Jacy! I hate you!"
The ducks shrugged and waddled off in different directions. Snape fell back to his knees, sobbing into his hands.
"Why me?!" he sobbed. He felt someone patting his back reassuringly.
"There, there, it's okay" said a muffled voice and then a chewing sound.
Snape looked up to see Jacy, patting his back, the toilet plunger still on her head and a large, mushy piece of pie in her hand. The berries inside the pie were falling everywhere and it was all over her face and hands.
"Are- are you an angel?" Snape asked, amazed.
"No, I'm Jacy" Jacy said brightly. "Would an angel do this..." she sat there, blinking.
Snape looked at the camera and shook his head.
"She is such an idiot" he said truthfully, then looked back at Jacy. "Whoa there, girlfriend. I'm not going to take any bull sh-" there was an loud beeping noise. "This is just bull sh-" beep. "Why do you f-" beep "think I'm going take this bull sh-" beep "from you, you little mother f-" beep.
Jacy covered her ears.
"Swim away, swim away!" she shrieked, then she let out a blood curling shriek- she had dropped her pie!
"Oh god! NO!!!" Jacy hollered, running off for the Forbidden Forest.
"You've got to help me!" Snape pleaded, turning towards the pirate.
"Don't look at me, I'm a pirate, mate" the man said angrily. "Besides, I've got enough troubles on me hands! The Black Pearl has taken me boots!" he explained, pointing at his horrid yellow socks.
"Thanks for your help" Snape said angrily, turning to his right this time, to the nun. Snape jumped on the nun's back.
"Quick! You've got to fly me to the forest"
"Sir, we nuns cannot fly" the nun said wisely.
"Are you saying I'm fat?!" Snape shrieked, tears bursting from his eyes, as he ran to Neville's purple horse and jumped on it. "Ride George, ride!" he cried out, heading for the forest as fast as the horse could.
He found Jacy's house easily. It could have been the size of the Great Hall easily. It was made of rolls of white toilet paper. The patio was made out of toilet paper, the sun roof was made out of toilet paper and all the furniture was made out of empty rolls of toilet paper.
Snape clumsily slid off the purple horse and ran up to Jacy's front door, which was opened by Jacy herself.
"Yes?" Jacy said rudely. "Jacy's Residence. You kill 'em, I grill 'em"
"I wanted to know if you had any toilet paper" Snape said hurriedly. "It's a...uh...an emergency" he said, embarrassed, clutching himself.
"That's not right" Jacy said in disgust, then she thought. "No sorry, I'm all out"
"Well, all right then, I know when you're not lying. Have a happy day"
"Maybe I won't! It's not my birthday, Snape" she said softly. She walked outside and ripped off her door. She tossed it all to the elephants and scared the purple horse away, before carrying her apple pie back up to the castle to go see Malfoy.
Jacy walked around the lake and saw a pirate standing there, cursing at a disappearing ship and at the same time, yanking on a pair of boots. She crept up behind him, trying not to laugh.
"A-CHOO!" Jacy screamed into the pirate's ear.
The pirate whipped around, rubbing his ear painfully.
"Look, if you're going to do that, wait until I like you"
"Where?" Jacy said, looking around.
"Captain Jack Sparrow" the pirate said, holding out his hand for Jacy to shake, which she did.
"Betty Brown" Jacy said happily, letting go of his hand. "I mean no! Florence, wait no...." Jacy thought for a few minutes, then grinned. "I'm Jacy"
"Oh, okay, that's not right" the pirate muttered. "Whatever, I need someone to wash my clothes..." he stared at Jacy hopefully.
"Okay, I'll go find someone"
"No, no.... the pirate code states you have to do it" Captain Sparrow pulled out a 100 foot long scroll, and let it roll across the founds. "See! First rule- If you should ever meet Jacy, she shall do thy laundry"
"Hmm... that's convincing" Jacy said thoughtfully. "I got it! How about the evil robots do the cooking!"
"Um... I think you're missing the point"
"No, no, I got it. I can bring in the mail, but you have to sweep"
"Yeah, okay, any chance you'll share that pie?" the pirate said with a sigh, annoyed that Jacy didn't want to help him.
"Who do I look like? A normal person! I can't share this!" Jacy exclaimed angrily. "Look, just make the wedding proposal"
"What wedding proposal?!" Captain Sparrow asked loudly.
"Our's" Jacy said hurtfully. "But I can see you aren't ready to make a part time commitment to me!" Jacy sobbed, tears bursting from her eyes.
"Oh dear god..." he turned back towards the lake, looking desperate. "Hey! Captain of the Black Pearl! Whatever your name is! I've changed my mind! I'll die for you!" he hollered.
Jacy took him by the arm and dragged him up to the castle.
"You've got a lot of explaining to do, Jack"
"The name is NOT Jack, its Pamela" Captain Sparrow snapped. "Yes it is...I saw the movie about a hundred times!" Jacy giggled at him. "No, it's Jack! I watched your movie a billion times!"
"What movie?" he asked incredously. "The movie! Pirates of the Caribbean!" Jacy said happily "They made a movie about me?" "Yes, and I loved it! I love you!"
"That's horrible! I don't even look like a freaking normal person, mate!"
"No one does" Jacy mumbled. "Now run along upstairs to our bedroom, before Johnny sees us"
"Why, what are we going to do?"
"Play bingo!" Jacy said cheerfully. "Come on!" Jacy pulled the struggling pirate inside and upstairs to the Gryfinndor Common Room.
Ginny was the only one in here and she was staring at the fireplace, looking calm, but screaming Harry's name.
Jacy ran over and taped up her mouth. She then dragged Ginny, who stayed limp in Jacy's grasp, as she pulled her to the window. Captain Sparrow ran after Jacy and stopped her.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He exclaimed.
"Uh, I think it's obvious. Putting her out the window!"
"You'll kill her"
"Uh, Jack, I think you've forgotten she can fly"
"Oh okay... And it's Pamela"
He helped Jacy seat Ginny on the window, then he opened the window as Jacy took off the tape. They shoved her out the window and watched her fall to the ground.
"Son of a-" Ginny yelled, hitting the ground with a very loud thump, covering her last word.
Jacy and the pirate stared at each other.
"That was dumb" Jacy muttered. "Hey! Ginny! Do you still love me anyway?" she yelled out the window.
"You know it!" Ginny yelled back, getting to her feet, despite every broken bone in her body and walking back into the distance.
Jacy beamed. "Score!" she yelled, shutting the window. "Now EVERYONE loves me!"
"I don't"
"Oh, Jackie, don't lie" Jacy giggled. "But, it's okay, because hating me counts as loving me..."
"For the last time, it's Pamela" Jack hissed
"You know, you'd look better as a man"
"WHAT?!" he yelled furiously.
"Whoa, dmy" Jacy muttered, walking off.
"Don't use those letters!" he snapped. "What do they mean?" he asked more calmly.
"Don't mess yourself" Jacy said dully.
The pirate went bright red.
"Well, uh, it's a little late for that"
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the following items, and take no credit for them, and no money is being made.
-Harry Potter characters -Jacy (obviously) -Pirates of the Caribbean (movie and Jack Sparrow) -Reference to nuns flying; this I borrowed from The Simpsons, who I assume got it from the show "The Flying Nun" -Quotes of Jacy were taken from Finding Nemo