Title: Coldmember, or Spike Meets Godzilla

Author: Queen Boadicea

Disclaimer: This belongs to Joss Whedon and the usual gang of idi…uh, geniuses. Inspired by "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and "Bambi Meets Godzilla"

Feedback: Do your worst—it can't compare to my worst ;)

Notes: Set some time in season five. Thanks to Dr. Doom for inspiration.

The tourist paused in his flight to scream, "Run! It's Godzilla!"

Another tourist skidded to a halt beside him and corrected, "It looks like Godzilla. But, due to international copyright laws, it's not."

The other man noted the correction but kept his eyes trained on the beast tearing through the town. "Still we should run like it is Godzilla!"

"Though it isn't." The men then skedaddled as the oblivious monster roared and knocked down a line of telephone poles.

The six-story-tall green-skinned monster rampaged through the small town of Sunnydale. Buffy struggled to catch up to it, glad that she had Riley and his team of commandoes at her side. A well-placed shot from the bazooka she carried had the monster flinching and turning into the less-populated areas of Sunnydale. She only hoped no teenagers were making out in the cemeteries tonight.

Spike flipped through the channels and grunted in annoyance. "Great. Absolutely sod-all on the telly. I hate Thursday nights." A noise from outside caught his attention and the crypt shook, causing him to drop the remote. "What the bleedin' hell…!?"

Another shockwave and he staggered as he tried to stay upright. "What is it, another earthquake?" Curious to see what was causing the ruckus and glad of some excitement at last, he made his way to his crypt door. Despite the tremors, he made it safely and flung open the door. "All right. This should be good for a bit of—"

His words were cut off as a giant foot slammed down on him, reducing his body to a bloody paste on the ground. The next moment, the paste turned to ashes and he blew away in the eddy caused by the monster's swishing tail.

A helicopter swooped in, dousing the beast with enough knockout gas to take down a team of elephants. The Godzilla-like (even though it wasn't) creature staggered and then by degrees sank onto its knees and stretched its massive bulk onto the ground.

Buffy surveyed the recumbent figure and cautiously kicked it. Riley trotted up beside her, barking orders into his walkie talkie. As various men in soldier gear began cordoning off the area, he tilted his head at the thing. "What is it? Think it's one of Glory's hostiles?"

Buffy shrugged. "Hard to tell. First it was that snake thingy, then we've got her rodent-faced hobbity minions running around town. She could have thought that Bigfoot here would keep me busy or take me out."

Riley looked up and noted the area they were in. "Hey, doesn't Spike live somewhere near here?"

"I think so. Wonder where he is? Even he couldn't have slept through this ruckus."

"Why would he be sleeping?" Riley asked. "It's night. Wouldn't he be up and about somewhere?"

Buffy turned and began walking away from the creature. "You're right. He's probably at the Bronze trying to scam some poor tourist out of his money."

Riley shook his head at this description. "Honestly, I don't know why you put up with him. He's a thieving, lying, murderous vampire who'll only wind up screwing you someday."

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Ewwww!!"

Too late, Riley realized what he said. "I didn't mean it like that! I just meant…"

Buffy waved her hands in dismissal. "I know what you meant. But, if he keeps cheating and hustling people, some day he's going to do it to the wrong person who'll turn out to be a vengeance demon or something and wham! No more Spike."

"We can only hope," Riley added.

Finis