Once More, With Badgers
Chapter One: A New Man
By Lee
It was another one of those nice days at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The kind of "nice day" with howling winds and sleet assailing the castle and grounds, anyway. Inside it was better, the only openings being covered with glass (except in the Ravenclaw sixth year boys' dormitory, where the windows had been blown out recently). Zacharias Smith was ignoring the stormy skies showing through the ceiling of the Great Hall – which was interesting and amazing as a first year, and more than a bit annoying from then on – in favour of finishing his Divination homework.
A lot of other students would wonder at the fact that Zacharias was taking Divination even after the Ordinary Wizarding Levels had been taken, when he seemed like such a suspicious, straightforward type. He was a suspicious, straightforward type, sure, but he was also the type of person who believes in using every advantage you can, as long as it wasn't damaging. And if he could tell the future, that couldn't do anything but help, right?
Of course, he hadn't figured in these "personality discovery" exercises. "'What your face tells others'," he mulled aloud before turning to one of the other Hufflepuffs eating their dinner nearby. "Hey, Wayne, what would you say my facial contours are, angular, knotted, or pointed?" Wayne just stared at him, spoon halfway to his mouth. Wayne Hopkins was a nice boy, and one of the best Beaters that Hufflepuff had seen in recent years, but he was second only to Neville Longbottom in extreme idiocy. "…angular?" he said finally.
Zacharias nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought, thanks." He turned back to the book, and paused. "'Selfish, rigid, ruthless, ambitious, greedy'? What is that supposed to mean?!" he demanded to thin air. "Whatever. Divination's for crackpots," he muttered, chucking the 'Who Am I?' text across the Great Hall, nailing a Gryffindor third year in the head. Completely on accident. Or at least, that's what he would say under oath.
His Divination homework done – or as done as it was going to be, in any case – Zacharias let his gaze wander up and down the Great Hall. Slytherin table, Draco Malfoy and cronies laughing over another of Malfoy's "ever-so good impressions"; Ravenclaw table, three of the D.A. members were leaning over what seemed to be a blueprint and a stack of papers and books; Gryffindor table, Harry Potter was looking, what else, broody, and the rest of the Dream Team and Co were fawning over him; and at the Hufflepuff table, Ernie Macmillan was hitting on Susan Bones.
He turned that way in interest. For once, Ernie was trying to pick up Susan, instead of the other way around? And Susan, for her part, was entirely ignoring the Prefect. "You know, I've known you for years, but I never before realised how beautiful you were," Ernie said, attempting to look smug and suave as he slid closer to Susan and slipped his arm around her. Justin, sitting across from Ernie, hid his smirk behind his napkin.
"Really," Susan replied blandly, swishing the soup in her spoon in boredom. "Nice to know." She then proceeded to sniff a bit, the general stuffiness fitting with Ernie's nasally voice. Zacharias and his other roommates had sectioned off part of the dorm with curtain, and had then charmed said curtain to keep all of Ernie's cold germs out. Wayne was also living on that side of the curtain, in hopes that he would get sick and not have to go to Herbology (in addition to being rather stupid, Wayne was entirely helpless, and hadn't wanted to disappoint Professor Sprout by not taking her class after O.W.L.s, though he thoroughly detested plants and they liked to attack him, even the dormant ones). So far, no dice.
"Come on babe, why don't we head back to the common room and, you know…" he winked. Zacharias couldn't keep himself from snickering loudly at Ernie's rather moronic "pick up lines", or whatever they were supposed to be. "What, drip on each other?" he said loudly. Loud enough that a Ravenclaw – that one named after shoes, he thought – turned around and hushed him. His eyes were unusually bloodshot, even for a Ravenclaw.
Ernie whirled around and glare-sniffled at Zacharias in annoyance. "Excuse me, but I don't recall asking your opinion, so why don't you butt out where you aren't wanted?" he snapped in a prissy voice.
Zacharias sneered back at him. "Why don't you butt out where you're not wanted? The only progress you're making here is the progress of my food working its way back through my digestive track." Susan grinned at his comments, but attempted to hide it behind her spoon.
Watching Ernie turn red and splutter was amusing for a few minutes, but then Zacharias got bored, not to mention the Gryffindors were giving them condescending looks from across the room. He slurped the rest of his unidentifiable random drink down, set the glass on the table, and stood. "I'm going to bed, I've got double Divination and then double Potions in the morning, and stupidity this late at night upsets my stomach." He waved at them. "See you." And then he walked out of the Great Hall, presumably to go down to the Hufflepuff cellar – er, common room.
Double Divination, right after breakfast. It was a good thing Trelawney was teaching that week, she never seemed to notice that you were missing a textbook and/or homework, as long as you made sure you were going to die within the next week or two. Two class periods of that dingbat would be enough to make you want to scream, and he still would have to sit through Potions, another double. And then there's the D.A. meeting. Jesus freaking Christ, today was going to be a terrible day.
He pulled up alongside Wayne, who was going absolutely nowhere, and was in a hurry about it. "Remind me why I decided to take N.E.W.T. Potions? Especially with the golden-freaking-trio? And Neville 'I blow up everything I touch' Longbottom?"
Wayne blinked at him. "Because you were accepted into it?" he asked slowly.
"Oh. Right." That had been the reason. He had gotten an O in it, and was therefore allowed to continue on to N.E.W.T. level Potions. Being the (slight!) egotist he was, Zacharias couldn't allow a position in one of the hardest classes at Hogwarts to pass him by! No sir, he couldn't.
Being an egotist really sucked sometimes.
Wayne waved at him as he headed for Ancient Runes. Stupid Wayne, with his stupid getting better scores than Zacharias even though Zacharias was far more intelligent. Stupid Wayne and his bloody "applying himself". What did that even mean?
Zacharias stood at the bottom of the ladder to Divination and pouted up at it forebodingly. At least this was one class those wannabe Aurors hadn't signed back up for. Perhaps God did love him. He only had to deal with the annoyances of the Gryffindor Patil girl and her friend, Purple Pink, or whomever. And Nott, Zabini, and those three weird Ravenclaws, but they were all guys who were in it for the breeziness of the class.
"My dear!" Trelawney immediately latched onto him like the leech she was as he came into the room. "Death surrounds you, poor boy!"
Maybe she really can tell the future, he thought irritably. If she does that to mean one more time, she's going to be dead. "Are you sure that isn't anger?" questioned Zacharias. She just gave him a blank look, and he sighed, hauling his bag (now complete with space enhancing charm!) over to one of those weird things they were made to sit on. He began arranging his things, and wondering who he was supposed to share his little table thing with, the other houses had already grouped together, and some of them were giving him intense stares. Well, Nott and Zabini were actually looking at Gryffindor Patil and Purple Pink with very… not good expressions.
About a second before the class began, the trapdoor swung open again and Susan Bones popped in, breathless. "Sorry," she said, taking a seat at the first open spot she saw – right next to Zacharias. He rolled his eyes and gave a mental sigh.
"Now, children, present your findings on your inner self!" she said in her usual batty way. "You, Mr. Smith, go first."
His head whipped up and he stared in disbelief. "Me?" He was ashamed to admit that his voice was slightly squeaky. Susan giggled at him softly, to his embarrassment. Thankfully, none of the guys in the class seemed to be paying any attention to what was going on. "Well, you, uh, told us to do exercises 2, 3, 9, and 10, right? Well, I figured I'm an ectomorph, that means I'm self-conscious, introverted, inhibited, artistic, and mentally intense. And then for the splits, I'm right, head, top, back, and limbs. And my defensive strategy is, uh, the schizoid?" he guessed randomly. "And my facial contours are angular," he added as an afterthought. And damn if that Bones girl wasn't giggling at him again! He kept himself from blushing only through extreme self-control.
The rest of class passed in the same manner, with Zacharias attempting to keep himself from attacking Trelawney as she made an idiot of him, and Susan alternately giggling and offering deceptively innocent commentary. Thankfully, the professor couldn't focus on him too much, with Gryffindor Patil and Pink Purple jockeying for her attention continuously. He fled the classroom as soon as class was over. Just another average day in the average life of a Hufflepuff, he thought cynically, meeting up with Wayne for a quick chat before heading to lunch (Wayne had a study session every other lunch).
Assorted Notes (the other A/N!): this chapter was written by Lee. Hence the 'by Lee' tag. The next will be written by Pam. It will say 'by Pam'. Don't expect anything much other than cameos from the "main" characters, except possibly Voldemort. This is about the ignored ones, by god!
Also, a disclaimer: we don't own any of the assorted HP characters and concepts, the book "Who Am I?", or the Buffy episode title.