AUTHOR: Glinda
TITLE: Close
CATEGORY: angsty,
PAIRING: RL/SB
WARNING: PG-13 extreme angst...oh yeah...and this is must first HP fic so be gentle with me!
SPOILERS: Ummm...won't make any sense unless you've read Prisoner of Azkaban
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, don't own anything. Just a poor little Uni. student trying to stay sane by letting her imagination run wild. J.K.Rowling owns everything I'm just playing with her rather fabulous toys! Not making any money...just doin this for fun! Plz don't sue!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Set during PoA Sirius watches Remus and Harry and reminisces on what they've lost. When Harry was in Lupin's office on Halloween and Snape came in with the potion for Remus. It's...umm...a bit dark I'm afraid. Black's mind isn't entirely all in one piece anymore. Oh and the song is Close to the Flame by Him...saw them live recently...the sound system was crap but they were fabulous!
Cheers muchly to Mel for the advice, the encyclopaediac knowledge of all things Harry Potter and of course the beta!
Its dangerous being here, I know. I shouldn't torture myself, I should make this quick, get in, grab Peter, get out. But I need to wait a little longer. Tonight's feast is the perfect time, everyone will be in the Great Hall, the tower will be empty and I can grab that scrawny little traitor. I did twelve years in Azkaban prison because of that scheming little wretch. Twelve years of nothing but depression and despair. Twelve years of knowing I could have prevented James and Lily's deaths. Twelve years of knowing I was innocent and being unable to prove it. Twelve years...of re-living the moment the only remaining member of my 'family' turning their back on me. Remembering his words...
"I want to believe you Sirius, honestly I do...but the evidence is against you. I could buy Peter turning on us and faking his death knowing what we'd do to him...he's been weird recently. That he was playing you and I off against one another to get closer to James...I wouldn't be surprised - he's always been good at that. But...Sirius...James would've told Dumbledore if they'd changed their Secret Keeper: and Albus testified today...it was you. And no matter the details of what really happened, how can you ask me to blindly trust in your loyalty to us...when you admit to thinking the spy might've been me? I guess we never were as close friends as I thought..."
He walked away. Didn't so much as look back though I yelled and yelled after him. Promising that I'd prove it...that I wasn't lying. I must not waste my chance. I need to find his office...not hard when you're a dog. Defence against the Dark Arts...now there's irony... Once I've got Peter I can hide here...plenty of cages to keep him safe in. Then he'll see...surely he'll recognise him. Even if not we can reverse the transformation and then he'll see. See that I was right... Then we can do what I tried to do all those years ago. I should've asked for Remus's help then: by the time I did it was too late the damage was done. Trust was broken. I won't make that mistake a second time...I need his forgiveness...almost as much as I need Harry's. Voices in the corridor...hide.
"Here you are Professor Lupin, one Grindylow with tank. Sneaky little beggars aren't they. Was there anything else you needed a hand with?" Hagrid's gruff booming voice reaches my ears and I peer through the gap in the desk I have made my hiding place to catch a glimpse of him. Even after all these years, Hagrid still looks too big to be allowed whenever he's indoors.
"That's great, thankyou Hagrid." The gentle, tired voice of my one-time best friend reaches my ears as its owner enters the room. He looks ill and I remember that it will be full moon next week. Even after all this time I still keep track of the moon phases.
"Not a problem, Professor...wouldn't want to see you struggle when you're unwell. Or at all...but especially when you're...erkerm...you know...I'll be stopping talking now..."
"Hagrid..." the amusement in his voice is clear, "how long have you and I known each other?"
"Well...since you first came to Hogwarts...you was in so shy back then..."
"Yes, that was what? Twenty years ago? And we've remained friends for almost all of the intervening years?"
"Certainly...but I don't see..."
"For heaven's sake Hagrid...even if we hadn't been you're a teacher now. For Merlin's sake call me Remus...Its not like there are any pupils about."
"Ah...sorry. Its just...I'm still getting used to being a teacher. Some of the other teachers...they weren't best pleased about my appointment..." he spots Remus' raised eyebrow and pauses before continuing, "...but you'll know all about that won't you."
"Let's just say certain members of staff, naming no potions masters, fought hard against my appointment...no prizes for guessing who?"
"Ach, don't worry bout Professor Snape, Remus that's got nothing to do with your lycanthropy...that's just cos he wants your job. Bit peeved at being passed over once again, when the last three Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers have bin such useless great lumps...and one of them was evil to boot..."
"Quite a reputation to live up to isn't it...?"
"Ach the kids love you already...I know that Quirrel and Lockheart weren't much in the way o' predecessors but the third years think you're fabulous."
"Given that Quirrel was a wet blanket and sharing his soul with Volde...oh for heavens sake Hagrid! Dumbledore's right: fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself! Anyway...compared to the evil, dampness that was Quirrel and Lockheart's..."
"Ruddy uselessness...!!!!"
"That's not much of an achievement...but, given the amount of hands on experience in the subject that class has had over the last few years...if I can keep them interested that' s somewhat comforting. Giant spiders, Three- headed dogs, my predecessors, a Basilisk...I know I've never said anything and I'm probably not even supposed to know but...I'm glad they cleared you Hagrid. I would hate to think of an honest man locked up in that hell hole..."
Hagrid is silent for a long time before he speaks again...
"It doesn't matter to those creatures whether they're guarding guilty or innocent men...just so long as they get to feed. I spent two months there knowing I was innocent...knowing that Harry an' Ron an' Dumbledore were doing everything they could to prove me innocent...and I nearly lost my mind in there. I don't know everything that Sirius Black did but...by Merlin he's paid for it. If it weren't for all these rumours he's after lil Harry then I'd say good luck to him. That Pettigrew wasn't all the saint they made him out to be...that'll probably get me into trouble..."
"No, no Hagrid. Peter...I had my suspicions that he was playing double agent...but couldn't bring myself to believe it. When I first heard about the explosion I thought I'd been right, so soon after what happened to James and Lily...that he'd sold them out. I thought Peter deserved what he'd got...that'd Sirius's had killed him in revenge for his 'brother's' death. But there was more...I was wrong...I'd thought Peter was playing Sirius and I off one another but no...he was telling the truth."
He collapses in his chair and the fading light shows up the grey in his hair, the lines on his face, physically the last ten years have been as hard on me as on him.
"I won't ask, but I know whatever else he did musta been terrible..."
"Why do you say that?"
"No matter how close he and James were, there was always something about the pair of you. Everyone knew Sirius and James woulda died for each other because they often said so...but with the two of you it was unspoken loyalty. It musta been something horrific for you to loose faith in him...and that I don't think I want to know...Any ways...best be off...see if I can track down Harry...his berk of an uncle wouldn't sign his permission form so he can't go to Hogsmeade with the rest of them. Reckon he might need a bit of cheerin up."
"Good idea Hagrid."
In the silence following Hagrid's departure I contemplate for the first time in many years what Remus has gone through these last few years...He's never exactly had a happy life, being a werewolf. He'd never really fitted in before. But he fitted with us, with me. What I wouldn't give to just be able to transform and wrap my arms around him, tell that its ok, he's not alone. He never has been...I've always been with him. I wonder if he remembers why this classroom was my favourite. That getting detention with our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher in 5th and 6th year was fun because he'd developed narcolepsy and would fall asleep mid-conversation. Leaving us free to explore his office, and each other.
# The kiss - sweetest #
Stolen kisses in an empty classroom, making out against walls. Behaving like a couple of hormonal, lovesick teenagers: because that's what we were. His lips were so soft and sweet against mine.
# And touch - so warm #
He always looked so much younger than the rest of us, despite having come to Hogwarts a year late. So frail and fragile you'd never have believed the strength of the creature he became each full moon. But his condition, his life, is wearing him down. I long to feel the touch of those hands in my hair again, to smooth away the lines on his face.
# The smile - kindest #
He rises and speaks to someone who follows him back into the classroom. My heart almost breaks as I watch the two of them talk. The two people in this world that I love the most. He sends a comforting smile in Harry's direction as they talk, drinking tea...I wonder if he knows that that smile of his is more comforting than all the tea, chocolate and music in the world. I sneak nearer to hear my two favourite people better...
# In this world - so cold and strong #
"So you've been thinking that I didn't believe you capable of fighting the Boggart?" A boggart? He's letting them practice on Boggarts? No wonder the pupils rave about him...I would've killed to get a practical Defence Against the Dark Arts class at that age...!
"Well...yeah." Harry looks less tense. Whyever that was bothering him Remus has evidently cheered him. "Professor Lupin, you know the Dementors..."
They are interrupted by a knock at the door. As he calls for whoever it is I retreat to my hiding place. An involuntary stab of sadness fills my heart. The formalness of the way they talk tells me that Remus has only recently become part of his life again. Part of me grieves for them; it shouldn't be like this. My loathing for Peter rears its ugly head all over again for destroying my family and for stealing it from them both.
# We're so close to the flame #
And speaking of loathsome creatures. What's Snivellus doing here? And why the hell is Remus smiling at him?! Oh of course the Wolfsbane potion...Remus never was much good at potions, that was always my speciality. I remember making it for him when it was still experimental. The way he hated the taste yet persevered as it eased the pain of the transformations.
# Burning brightly #
The fun we had when he transformed in those days rivalled our school days. Chasing around like a couple of pups. The differences between a tame wolf and a stray dog aren't all that numerous.
# It won't fade away and leave us lonely #
They were dark days we lived in back then. If I'm honest I've never left them...and I don't think Remus really has either. But somewhat ironically those nights of the full moon that we used to dread were the only time we really knew any peace. Away from the rest of the world, a couple of kids playing without a clue about the danger that might be just around the corner. We thought we'd be together forever.
# The arms - safest #
I've never known peace like lying in his arms. Watching the person you love sleep. Opening your eyes to see them looking back at you. Seeing everything you feel for them reflected in their eyes.
# And words - so good #
Talking for hours, long into the night. Sharing every last secret. Every hope, every fear, every ambition, every dream. Our souls.
# The faith - deepest #
We thought we knew each other inside out. That we hid nothing from each other. That nothing and no-one could come between us. And in the end it wasn't death, or ultimate evil but suspicion, paranoia and the manipulations of someone we thought was our friend.
# In this world - so cold and cruel #
But nothing is forever. Nothing is indestructible. Nothing is beyond doubt. But if there is something I can learn from Harry is that good things can sometimes come from the darkest of sources.
Harry still looks worried despite Remus's assurances. I can't blame him, I wouldn't put it past Snape to try and poison my Moony...Mine...The anger and hatred is back. Nothing else matters. I must find Peter. I will make him pay. I'm going to commit the crime I was convicted off...and they can't touch me for it...double jeopardy...you can't kill a dead man...I need to see a rat about a murder...
Tentatively...so...what did you think? Good or bad - hit that review button!
TITLE: Close
CATEGORY: angsty,
PAIRING: RL/SB
WARNING: PG-13 extreme angst...oh yeah...and this is must first HP fic so be gentle with me!
SPOILERS: Ummm...won't make any sense unless you've read Prisoner of Azkaban
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, don't own anything. Just a poor little Uni. student trying to stay sane by letting her imagination run wild. J.K.Rowling owns everything I'm just playing with her rather fabulous toys! Not making any money...just doin this for fun! Plz don't sue!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Set during PoA Sirius watches Remus and Harry and reminisces on what they've lost. When Harry was in Lupin's office on Halloween and Snape came in with the potion for Remus. It's...umm...a bit dark I'm afraid. Black's mind isn't entirely all in one piece anymore. Oh and the song is Close to the Flame by Him...saw them live recently...the sound system was crap but they were fabulous!
Cheers muchly to Mel for the advice, the encyclopaediac knowledge of all things Harry Potter and of course the beta!
Its dangerous being here, I know. I shouldn't torture myself, I should make this quick, get in, grab Peter, get out. But I need to wait a little longer. Tonight's feast is the perfect time, everyone will be in the Great Hall, the tower will be empty and I can grab that scrawny little traitor. I did twelve years in Azkaban prison because of that scheming little wretch. Twelve years of nothing but depression and despair. Twelve years of knowing I could have prevented James and Lily's deaths. Twelve years of knowing I was innocent and being unable to prove it. Twelve years...of re-living the moment the only remaining member of my 'family' turning their back on me. Remembering his words...
"I want to believe you Sirius, honestly I do...but the evidence is against you. I could buy Peter turning on us and faking his death knowing what we'd do to him...he's been weird recently. That he was playing you and I off against one another to get closer to James...I wouldn't be surprised - he's always been good at that. But...Sirius...James would've told Dumbledore if they'd changed their Secret Keeper: and Albus testified today...it was you. And no matter the details of what really happened, how can you ask me to blindly trust in your loyalty to us...when you admit to thinking the spy might've been me? I guess we never were as close friends as I thought..."
He walked away. Didn't so much as look back though I yelled and yelled after him. Promising that I'd prove it...that I wasn't lying. I must not waste my chance. I need to find his office...not hard when you're a dog. Defence against the Dark Arts...now there's irony... Once I've got Peter I can hide here...plenty of cages to keep him safe in. Then he'll see...surely he'll recognise him. Even if not we can reverse the transformation and then he'll see. See that I was right... Then we can do what I tried to do all those years ago. I should've asked for Remus's help then: by the time I did it was too late the damage was done. Trust was broken. I won't make that mistake a second time...I need his forgiveness...almost as much as I need Harry's. Voices in the corridor...hide.
"Here you are Professor Lupin, one Grindylow with tank. Sneaky little beggars aren't they. Was there anything else you needed a hand with?" Hagrid's gruff booming voice reaches my ears and I peer through the gap in the desk I have made my hiding place to catch a glimpse of him. Even after all these years, Hagrid still looks too big to be allowed whenever he's indoors.
"That's great, thankyou Hagrid." The gentle, tired voice of my one-time best friend reaches my ears as its owner enters the room. He looks ill and I remember that it will be full moon next week. Even after all this time I still keep track of the moon phases.
"Not a problem, Professor...wouldn't want to see you struggle when you're unwell. Or at all...but especially when you're...erkerm...you know...I'll be stopping talking now..."
"Hagrid..." the amusement in his voice is clear, "how long have you and I known each other?"
"Well...since you first came to Hogwarts...you was in so shy back then..."
"Yes, that was what? Twenty years ago? And we've remained friends for almost all of the intervening years?"
"Certainly...but I don't see..."
"For heaven's sake Hagrid...even if we hadn't been you're a teacher now. For Merlin's sake call me Remus...Its not like there are any pupils about."
"Ah...sorry. Its just...I'm still getting used to being a teacher. Some of the other teachers...they weren't best pleased about my appointment..." he spots Remus' raised eyebrow and pauses before continuing, "...but you'll know all about that won't you."
"Let's just say certain members of staff, naming no potions masters, fought hard against my appointment...no prizes for guessing who?"
"Ach, don't worry bout Professor Snape, Remus that's got nothing to do with your lycanthropy...that's just cos he wants your job. Bit peeved at being passed over once again, when the last three Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers have bin such useless great lumps...and one of them was evil to boot..."
"Quite a reputation to live up to isn't it...?"
"Ach the kids love you already...I know that Quirrel and Lockheart weren't much in the way o' predecessors but the third years think you're fabulous."
"Given that Quirrel was a wet blanket and sharing his soul with Volde...oh for heavens sake Hagrid! Dumbledore's right: fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself! Anyway...compared to the evil, dampness that was Quirrel and Lockheart's..."
"Ruddy uselessness...!!!!"
"That's not much of an achievement...but, given the amount of hands on experience in the subject that class has had over the last few years...if I can keep them interested that' s somewhat comforting. Giant spiders, Three- headed dogs, my predecessors, a Basilisk...I know I've never said anything and I'm probably not even supposed to know but...I'm glad they cleared you Hagrid. I would hate to think of an honest man locked up in that hell hole..."
Hagrid is silent for a long time before he speaks again...
"It doesn't matter to those creatures whether they're guarding guilty or innocent men...just so long as they get to feed. I spent two months there knowing I was innocent...knowing that Harry an' Ron an' Dumbledore were doing everything they could to prove me innocent...and I nearly lost my mind in there. I don't know everything that Sirius Black did but...by Merlin he's paid for it. If it weren't for all these rumours he's after lil Harry then I'd say good luck to him. That Pettigrew wasn't all the saint they made him out to be...that'll probably get me into trouble..."
"No, no Hagrid. Peter...I had my suspicions that he was playing double agent...but couldn't bring myself to believe it. When I first heard about the explosion I thought I'd been right, so soon after what happened to James and Lily...that he'd sold them out. I thought Peter deserved what he'd got...that'd Sirius's had killed him in revenge for his 'brother's' death. But there was more...I was wrong...I'd thought Peter was playing Sirius and I off one another but no...he was telling the truth."
He collapses in his chair and the fading light shows up the grey in his hair, the lines on his face, physically the last ten years have been as hard on me as on him.
"I won't ask, but I know whatever else he did musta been terrible..."
"Why do you say that?"
"No matter how close he and James were, there was always something about the pair of you. Everyone knew Sirius and James woulda died for each other because they often said so...but with the two of you it was unspoken loyalty. It musta been something horrific for you to loose faith in him...and that I don't think I want to know...Any ways...best be off...see if I can track down Harry...his berk of an uncle wouldn't sign his permission form so he can't go to Hogsmeade with the rest of them. Reckon he might need a bit of cheerin up."
"Good idea Hagrid."
In the silence following Hagrid's departure I contemplate for the first time in many years what Remus has gone through these last few years...He's never exactly had a happy life, being a werewolf. He'd never really fitted in before. But he fitted with us, with me. What I wouldn't give to just be able to transform and wrap my arms around him, tell that its ok, he's not alone. He never has been...I've always been with him. I wonder if he remembers why this classroom was my favourite. That getting detention with our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher in 5th and 6th year was fun because he'd developed narcolepsy and would fall asleep mid-conversation. Leaving us free to explore his office, and each other.
# The kiss - sweetest #
Stolen kisses in an empty classroom, making out against walls. Behaving like a couple of hormonal, lovesick teenagers: because that's what we were. His lips were so soft and sweet against mine.
# And touch - so warm #
He always looked so much younger than the rest of us, despite having come to Hogwarts a year late. So frail and fragile you'd never have believed the strength of the creature he became each full moon. But his condition, his life, is wearing him down. I long to feel the touch of those hands in my hair again, to smooth away the lines on his face.
# The smile - kindest #
He rises and speaks to someone who follows him back into the classroom. My heart almost breaks as I watch the two of them talk. The two people in this world that I love the most. He sends a comforting smile in Harry's direction as they talk, drinking tea...I wonder if he knows that that smile of his is more comforting than all the tea, chocolate and music in the world. I sneak nearer to hear my two favourite people better...
# In this world - so cold and strong #
"So you've been thinking that I didn't believe you capable of fighting the Boggart?" A boggart? He's letting them practice on Boggarts? No wonder the pupils rave about him...I would've killed to get a practical Defence Against the Dark Arts class at that age...!
"Well...yeah." Harry looks less tense. Whyever that was bothering him Remus has evidently cheered him. "Professor Lupin, you know the Dementors..."
They are interrupted by a knock at the door. As he calls for whoever it is I retreat to my hiding place. An involuntary stab of sadness fills my heart. The formalness of the way they talk tells me that Remus has only recently become part of his life again. Part of me grieves for them; it shouldn't be like this. My loathing for Peter rears its ugly head all over again for destroying my family and for stealing it from them both.
# We're so close to the flame #
And speaking of loathsome creatures. What's Snivellus doing here? And why the hell is Remus smiling at him?! Oh of course the Wolfsbane potion...Remus never was much good at potions, that was always my speciality. I remember making it for him when it was still experimental. The way he hated the taste yet persevered as it eased the pain of the transformations.
# Burning brightly #
The fun we had when he transformed in those days rivalled our school days. Chasing around like a couple of pups. The differences between a tame wolf and a stray dog aren't all that numerous.
# It won't fade away and leave us lonely #
They were dark days we lived in back then. If I'm honest I've never left them...and I don't think Remus really has either. But somewhat ironically those nights of the full moon that we used to dread were the only time we really knew any peace. Away from the rest of the world, a couple of kids playing without a clue about the danger that might be just around the corner. We thought we'd be together forever.
# The arms - safest #
I've never known peace like lying in his arms. Watching the person you love sleep. Opening your eyes to see them looking back at you. Seeing everything you feel for them reflected in their eyes.
# And words - so good #
Talking for hours, long into the night. Sharing every last secret. Every hope, every fear, every ambition, every dream. Our souls.
# The faith - deepest #
We thought we knew each other inside out. That we hid nothing from each other. That nothing and no-one could come between us. And in the end it wasn't death, or ultimate evil but suspicion, paranoia and the manipulations of someone we thought was our friend.
# In this world - so cold and cruel #
But nothing is forever. Nothing is indestructible. Nothing is beyond doubt. But if there is something I can learn from Harry is that good things can sometimes come from the darkest of sources.
Harry still looks worried despite Remus's assurances. I can't blame him, I wouldn't put it past Snape to try and poison my Moony...Mine...The anger and hatred is back. Nothing else matters. I must find Peter. I will make him pay. I'm going to commit the crime I was convicted off...and they can't touch me for it...double jeopardy...you can't kill a dead man...I need to see a rat about a murder...
Tentatively...so...what did you think? Good or bad - hit that review button!