chapter.6...lucas
June 19th, 2005
Enough was enough. It had been two weeks since we had met her and I hadn't seen her since. I knew that the one person in life I dreaded becoming was my father, Dan Scott. He hadn't been there for me throughout the majority of my life and I knew that if I didn't make an effort to be with my daughter, then he was who I would become if I didn't change.
They both were the pictures of perfection graduation night. Just thinking of them made me want to change my tune. Her light pink blanket was embroidered with her name. Lilia was written across the top of the blanket, closest to her face. Brooke pointed out her eyes, saying that she had mine. And she did. The pools of ice blue resembled mine in everyway possible. It was hard to not look at her knowing that she was half me and half of the woman that I had so dearly loved.
I had to change. The clock on the VCR blinked 12:00 when I finally rolled of the couch and decided to do something with my day other than watch Real World: Australia for the zillionth time this month. After graduation my days were filled with television watching, Twinkies, and the occasional shoot around with Nathan.
As I walked out the front door, wearing a hat Brooke had bought me, my mom called out to me, "Lucas!" I turned around once I got to my truck. "Where are you going?"
"To Brooke's." On the way to her house, I was completely sick to my stomach. For knowing her as long and as well as I did, I never would have expected to be this nervous just to see her. The nervousness escalated when I saw her standing at the mailbox, baby in tow.
Her long brown hair was thrown on top of her head securely fastened with a clip. She wore blue sweatpants and a white tank top. Her bare feet were covered by the freshly cut, green grass. I could see her gasp as I pulled into the driveway as I did so many times months before.
Brooke stood at the entrance to her house as I got out of the truck. I watched her watch me. Once I stood in front of her I reached my hand out to hold Lilia. Brooke turned from me and opened the door to go inside. I stood in the door way. She waved her hand at me, "Come in if you want."
Stepping into the house that months ago felt like my second home now seemed so foreign. Rosa stood in the kitchen, as always, stirring a pot of something. From the smell coming from where she was, I believe it was soup. "Brooke, we only have one clean bottle. Go get some from the babies..." She turned around to see Brooke and I standing together in the middle of the living room, talking. Her speaking then ceased.
"So why exactly are you here?" Brooke asked me in the most uninterested tone.
I followed her up the stairs and stopped once we reached her room. Clothes and baby products were thrown all over the floor. "I wanted to see Lilia." I picked a new baby bottle off of the floor and handed it to her. "I didn't realize that was such an imposition."
She laid Lilia into her crib and looked up at me, "I didn't know that asking you to be there when she was born was such an imposition."
"First of all, you didn't even have the balls to ask me you got Hailey to do it like she was your messenger or something." I held up two fingers. "Second of all, I was there."
"So was she." Brooke scurried around her room, picking up every item off of the floor and throwing it on to her bed.
I tried to walk toward her, but she kept moving away. "You always do this." I threw a shoe onto her bed and continued, "Will you stop?" I grabbed her arms and pulled her away from her busy work.
"Can you?" She pulled her arms away from me and dropped them to her sides.
"What are you talking about?"
She squinted her eyes at me, "You know what I am talking about?"
"Stop it. God. You haven't changed at all. Stop beating around the situation and just tell me what you are talking about."
"Fine." She put her hands on her hips. That's when I knew it was coming, she always did that when she was about to tell someone how it was. "Yes, you were there but you brought her. I wanted you there, but I didn't know that to ask you to be at the birth of our child meant that you have to bring Peyton along. I know that you all weren't together and I know that you two weren't ever together. That's what I don't understand. Why she was there."
"That's what you are mad at?"
"You act like it's not a big deal, but it was to me. And no, that is not the only thing." She paused and her back slid down her bathroom door. She looked up at me, eyes glazing over with tears. "God, Lucas I was so scared... I am so scared."
I sat down in front of her and placed my hand on her leg. "Brooke I am so sorry about everything. I know how much you hated me and for all I know you still hate me. But I want to be there; the last thing I want is for Lilia to not have a father. I know how hard that is and I want her to have all the things that I didn't."
She lowered her head into her hands. She spoke without lifting her head, "Lucas I can't do this again."
"Do what?" I asked leaning toward her.
She lifted her head and I watched the tears roll from her eyes. She pointed to me and then to herself, "This. Me. You. I just can't."
"B, please, come on. One more chance. That is all I need. I sware to God I won't screw up again." I felt tears began to fill my eyes. She stood up and I did the same. "One more..."
"Lucas," She reached into the crib and pulled Lilia out. "I have given you one more chance more times that I can count." She wiped her eyes with the hand that was not holding Lilia. "I just can't do it again. Not right now, and I don't know if I will ever be able to again."
Following Brooke out of her room and down the stairs, I said to her, "Are you sure this is what you want?"
She stood at the bottom of the stairs with Lilia's head resting on her shoulder. Brooke looked at the baby who was now asleep on her mothers shoulder. "Yeah. I'm sure."
I walked out of the house feeling the same emptiness that I had felt upon entering. What was I supposed to do now? Did she want me to be in Lilia's life? Right at that moment I made the best decision I had ever made in my life, it didn't matter if Brooke wanted me to be a part of Lilia's life. I wanted to be a part of her life and that was that.
June 19th, 2005
Enough was enough. It had been two weeks since we had met her and I hadn't seen her since. I knew that the one person in life I dreaded becoming was my father, Dan Scott. He hadn't been there for me throughout the majority of my life and I knew that if I didn't make an effort to be with my daughter, then he was who I would become if I didn't change.
They both were the pictures of perfection graduation night. Just thinking of them made me want to change my tune. Her light pink blanket was embroidered with her name. Lilia was written across the top of the blanket, closest to her face. Brooke pointed out her eyes, saying that she had mine. And she did. The pools of ice blue resembled mine in everyway possible. It was hard to not look at her knowing that she was half me and half of the woman that I had so dearly loved.
I had to change. The clock on the VCR blinked 12:00 when I finally rolled of the couch and decided to do something with my day other than watch Real World: Australia for the zillionth time this month. After graduation my days were filled with television watching, Twinkies, and the occasional shoot around with Nathan.
As I walked out the front door, wearing a hat Brooke had bought me, my mom called out to me, "Lucas!" I turned around once I got to my truck. "Where are you going?"
"To Brooke's." On the way to her house, I was completely sick to my stomach. For knowing her as long and as well as I did, I never would have expected to be this nervous just to see her. The nervousness escalated when I saw her standing at the mailbox, baby in tow.
Her long brown hair was thrown on top of her head securely fastened with a clip. She wore blue sweatpants and a white tank top. Her bare feet were covered by the freshly cut, green grass. I could see her gasp as I pulled into the driveway as I did so many times months before.
Brooke stood at the entrance to her house as I got out of the truck. I watched her watch me. Once I stood in front of her I reached my hand out to hold Lilia. Brooke turned from me and opened the door to go inside. I stood in the door way. She waved her hand at me, "Come in if you want."
Stepping into the house that months ago felt like my second home now seemed so foreign. Rosa stood in the kitchen, as always, stirring a pot of something. From the smell coming from where she was, I believe it was soup. "Brooke, we only have one clean bottle. Go get some from the babies..." She turned around to see Brooke and I standing together in the middle of the living room, talking. Her speaking then ceased.
"So why exactly are you here?" Brooke asked me in the most uninterested tone.
I followed her up the stairs and stopped once we reached her room. Clothes and baby products were thrown all over the floor. "I wanted to see Lilia." I picked a new baby bottle off of the floor and handed it to her. "I didn't realize that was such an imposition."
She laid Lilia into her crib and looked up at me, "I didn't know that asking you to be there when she was born was such an imposition."
"First of all, you didn't even have the balls to ask me you got Hailey to do it like she was your messenger or something." I held up two fingers. "Second of all, I was there."
"So was she." Brooke scurried around her room, picking up every item off of the floor and throwing it on to her bed.
I tried to walk toward her, but she kept moving away. "You always do this." I threw a shoe onto her bed and continued, "Will you stop?" I grabbed her arms and pulled her away from her busy work.
"Can you?" She pulled her arms away from me and dropped them to her sides.
"What are you talking about?"
She squinted her eyes at me, "You know what I am talking about?"
"Stop it. God. You haven't changed at all. Stop beating around the situation and just tell me what you are talking about."
"Fine." She put her hands on her hips. That's when I knew it was coming, she always did that when she was about to tell someone how it was. "Yes, you were there but you brought her. I wanted you there, but I didn't know that to ask you to be at the birth of our child meant that you have to bring Peyton along. I know that you all weren't together and I know that you two weren't ever together. That's what I don't understand. Why she was there."
"That's what you are mad at?"
"You act like it's not a big deal, but it was to me. And no, that is not the only thing." She paused and her back slid down her bathroom door. She looked up at me, eyes glazing over with tears. "God, Lucas I was so scared... I am so scared."
I sat down in front of her and placed my hand on her leg. "Brooke I am so sorry about everything. I know how much you hated me and for all I know you still hate me. But I want to be there; the last thing I want is for Lilia to not have a father. I know how hard that is and I want her to have all the things that I didn't."
She lowered her head into her hands. She spoke without lifting her head, "Lucas I can't do this again."
"Do what?" I asked leaning toward her.
She lifted her head and I watched the tears roll from her eyes. She pointed to me and then to herself, "This. Me. You. I just can't."
"B, please, come on. One more chance. That is all I need. I sware to God I won't screw up again." I felt tears began to fill my eyes. She stood up and I did the same. "One more..."
"Lucas," She reached into the crib and pulled Lilia out. "I have given you one more chance more times that I can count." She wiped her eyes with the hand that was not holding Lilia. "I just can't do it again. Not right now, and I don't know if I will ever be able to again."
Following Brooke out of her room and down the stairs, I said to her, "Are you sure this is what you want?"
She stood at the bottom of the stairs with Lilia's head resting on her shoulder. Brooke looked at the baby who was now asleep on her mothers shoulder. "Yeah. I'm sure."
I walked out of the house feeling the same emptiness that I had felt upon entering. What was I supposed to do now? Did she want me to be in Lilia's life? Right at that moment I made the best decision I had ever made in my life, it didn't matter if Brooke wanted me to be a part of Lilia's life. I wanted to be a part of her life and that was that.