What Not to Write
By: Phaidra and plumjam
AKA: The Dancing Hippos
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Chapter One
Sparky Delivers the Newspaper
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Disclaimer: giggles You actually think that we own this stuff? Okay, so maybe we own Saffron Velvet Quintana and Petronella Gertrude Yodit (and don't forget Sparky the Lightning Owl!) but we don't really own anything else. And no offense if anyone has the same names as our characters. (Phaidra would like to say at this point that she likes the name Saffron and Velvet…but not so much Quintana)
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Authors Note: Don't be mad if the story doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to make sense. We don't make sense usually. Why should you expect our stories to? Listen to the lessons. They actually make sense. Mostly.
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Zees ees ze storeeee of Zaffron Vellvet Quin… Quin… Quintaaaana, and her faithful sidekeeeek Peetronellla Jertruude Yoddit. (Zees es vere Peetronellla pokes me for ze sidekeeeek commente).
I Zusa Niixie Yseult vill be ze narratorr for zees vondeerfuul coughhack awful coughhack storee. Mind if I loose the accent? It hurts my throat. And we can't have that, now, can we? Nope nope nope nope. You know what's really good for sore throats? Sugar. Sugar sugar sugar sugar sugar.
Anyhow, we shall be following these two…slightly normal…girls on their journey to Hogwarts, as they discover how terrible it is to be in a story full of clichés.
It was a beautiful bright sunny day (Hey! I like grey days better!) in California and Saffron and Petronella were inside on the computer. Again. Bet you thought they would be outside, right? Ha! You were wrong! Suddenly a bolt of lightning hit the tree right next to the computer.
Lesson One: Make sure you make sense. You can't have a tree next to the computer. Unless el computadora is outside. Which it couldn't be. Unless it was a laptop. But neither of our two…er…heroines were rich enough to have laptops. Sniff sniff, the authors say.
An owl made out of lightning was formed through the lightning bolt that struck the tree next to the computer.
Lesson Two: Owls DO NOT form out of lightning bolts. Moving on.
"Ooh! Pretty!" Saffron said. "I want an owl made out of lightning." Petronella shook her head. Saffron looked at the owl. The owl looked at her. "Mine!" she said as she jumped at the lightning owl. (By the way, lightning owls are very rare and are extinct. For your own safety, you should report any sightings of these species to the Lightning Owl Protection Society.)
As Petronella looked on amusedly, Saffron was electrocuted. "Ow! That hurt," she commented as she came back to life. Since Saffron is a major part of this story, she has the amazing ability to be electrocuted by lightning owls and still live. Kids, don't try this at home.
Lesson Three: Lightning will electrocute you. It is not a toy. Repeat after me, folks. Lightning is NOT your friend. Drive safely.
The lightning owl (henceforth known as Sparky) spoke. He said, "I am Sparky! Fear me!" He coughed—rather, choked, and his voice lost its freakiness. "Okay, so really Dumbledore sent me, but with my spiffy entrance, I think the 'fear me' thing works better. Don't you?"
Petronella nodded. "Yah man. So much cooler. So, what does Dumbledore want now? I mean, we've already saved the world five times from rabid toasters." She looked alarmed. "Oh no! They haven't come back again, have they?" She assumed the fetal position and started rocking back and forth. "Rabid toasters are not coming back. We killed them. They will not come back. They are dead." She chanted. A thought struck her. "Oh no! We're dealing with undead rabid toasters!"
Lesson Four: Rabid toasters will not come back. Especially not as undead rabid toasters. That is preposterous! looks around Oh no! Undead rabid toasters! Run away! Run awa—
Sparky shook his head. "No, they haven't come back. But Dumbledore wanted me to ask if you wanted to become foreign exchange students at Hogwarts."
Petronella jumped up out of the fetal position. Saffron jumped up and tried to hug Sparky. Once again, she was electrocuted.
Petronella banged her head against the wall. "Oy oy oy. She never learns."
Lesson Five: Don't repeat your mistakes. Surgeon Generals Warning: It can be fatal.