Stepping out of Dawn's room, Buffy pulled the door closed and found herself face to face with Giles. The anger and hurt in her still fresh she couldn't bring herself to look at the man who she once saw as a father. Tonight, everything had changed.
"Buffy…" He reached the top of the stairs and paused, she kept her eyes averted, her face turned away from him. "I…I understand your anger. Please believe me, we did what we…"
"He's alive. Spike's alive. Wood failed." Buffy kept her voice as calm as possible, her eyes remaining fixed on the doorframe--remembering how the man she once saw as a teacher, a friend, had tried to kill her former lover, her strongest warrior, her Spike.
"Well, that doesn't change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn…" Giles moved to lean against the doorframe--practically feeling Buffy slipping away from him.
"No." Steadying her emotions, Buffy looked up at him with a resolute expression. "I think you've taught me everything I need to know."
Moving into her room, she shut the door on Giles and it felt like she was shutting the door on a huge chapter of her life. She closed her eyes as she felt her insides squirming--Giles had wanted her to act like a general and she was, she needed Spike, not hard lessons.
Turning around she saw the vampire in question sitting on the end of her bed, his head hung low and his elbows rested on his knees. Buffy looked at Spike for a moment and then moved to sit next to him. Their hands slipped into each other's as they sat in the dark together, eyes facing forwards and both sighing heavily.
Buffy realised they both needed the comfort that came from touching each other and she held his hand a little tighter, letting her thumb caress his tenderly. After sitting together in silence for a few minutes, Buffy looked up at Spike.
"You hear all that?"
Spike nodded, he'd heard everything she'd said and knew that he was the reason she'd turned away from Giles. He wondered for a moment what she was feeling; shutting her old watcher out of her life must have been like killing her father figure and all for the sake of himself. Spike let his thumb brush against hers.
"I want you to know I had nothing to do with what happened tonight." Buffy stared at their thumbs as they stroked each other, their fingers locked tightly.
"I know." Spike managed half a smile--it was reassuring to hear confirm that she'd known nothing about Giles and Woods plan.
Releasing his hand, Buffy walked over to the bedside table and flicked the lamp on. As she turned back to face him she realised it was the first time she'd seen his injuries in the light. She moved to stand in front of him, as her eyes fluttered over his wounds and settled on the burn across his cheek. Buffy felt something inside her take over and it was like she needed to tend to him, immortal as he was--she wanted to look after him.
She eased her bedroom door open and looked out into the hall. On seeing it empty, she darted to the bathroom and gathered up all the medical equipment she could find.
Slipping back into her room, she closed the door behind her and locked it--the last thing she needed was someone barging in on her and Spike, rumours were already circulating about her and her former lover.
Spike waited patiently for her on the end of her bed, he didn't need the antiseptic but he wasn't going to say no to her if she wanted to look after him. He recognised that she'd been doing that a lot recently, looking out for him, looking after him.
Buffy sat back down on the edge of the bed, doused a cotton wool ball with some antiseptic, and ran it gently over the burn. As she worked to clean him up she kept meeting his eyes, they followed her every move.
"Tell me what happened." Buffy's voice was gentle and coaxing as she cleaned the cut below his eye.
"You saw the room, not exactly Spike friendly."
Her eyes met his and she narrowed them into a tender look, letting him read the emotions that dwelled there.
"I wasn't talking about that. I want to know what's going on, Spike."
He could see all her feelings dancing in her eyes and he blinked at her--were they real now, were they all for him?
"The Slayer I killed in 77, she was the principals mother. Guess he wanted to get revenge, played me the little ditty and bought out the demon in me, said he wanted to kill the man who killed his mother."
"That side of you doesn't exist any more. It's just a distant memory and I told Wood as much." She noticed that her hand was just resting against his cheek, her fingers idly stroking near his ear.
Spike reached up and put his hand over hers; curling his fingers around it, he held it tightly in his and bought it down to his chest where he pressed her palm against himself.
"That side of me is still in here, Buffy. Still visits my sleep and brings me the nightmares of the people I've killed, the things I've done. I'm still the demon, love." He paused and searched her eyes, Buffy knew he wasn't finished and waited patiently. "Can you live with that…Buffy?"
Her heart raced, pounding an ever-quickening rhythm out against her ribs, as she looked deep into his eyes. He won his soul for her, so he could be a better man--a man that she could love.
Buffy nodded, letting him know that she was okay with his demon side.
Spike smiled and averted his eyes from her; his soul felt like it was burning him up from the inside.
They sat for a few minutes in silence, her hand still pressing against his chest and his hand holding it there tightly.
"Are you de-triggered now?"
She saw him freeze and a mixture of emotions flickered across his face.
"I am. Wood set out to kill me, only to end up curing me." Spike felt like he was still trying to deal with everything tonight had thrown at him, his mother haunted him.
Buffy could see that he was thinking hard about something, weighing up the situation, she looked away from him and settled her eyes on the bedroom door. Spike watched her sigh.
"His intentions were good, love." He bought her hand down to rest on his knee and held it tightly, his thumb stroking the backs of her fingers.
"But they were wrong." Her voice was subdued as she bought her eyes to meet Spikes.
After a few seconds, Buffy looked down at their hands and smiled, enjoying the feeling of him stealing her body heat and the memories of old times.
"Giles told me that both you and I refuse to see the danger of the situation, that you're a liability and we both can't see it. He said you didn't know when to leave, I wished I told him it was me who'd asked you to stay."
"I'm glad I stayed, being here with you has helped me start becoming the man I want to be. Being near you, it's soothing, takes the edge off the pain when it all kicks off inside me." He pressed his hand against his chest and she let her eyes fall there.
"I'm glad you stayed, too."
Slipping her fingers into his, Buffy heaved a long sigh and stared at the floor. She was thinking about what Giles had said to her tonight, even Spike's comforting words couldn't stop the tide of emotion building up in her.
"What's wrong, pet?"
"When Giles was stalling me, stopping me from getting to you, he told me I needed to be a general, I needed to make those harsh decisions that would result in someone dying. I can't do that, Spike." She bought her eyes up to his and saw they were narrowed softly on her, expressing how much he loved her and how much he cared for her. "I'm so tired of it, all the pain and suffering, tired of commanding people to die."
Spike slipped his arm around her shoulder and held her tightly.
"You shouldn't have to make those decisions, but you're the Slayer, all chosen, you're the strongest one here and they are going to look to you to lead them. You'll be their guidance and their strength, Buffy, just like you are to me."
Buffy pressed her cheek to his chest, letting the warmth of his words spread through her as she struggled to contain her tears. It seemed to be one thing after another, Spike coming back and then killing again, just when she'd got over that his chip had tried to kill him and now Giles and Wood were out for his blood. She'd lost a part of her tonight and it seemed to have left a big gaping hole in her heart.
"I don't feel so good." Buffy mumbled as she closed her eyes and held back her tears.
Spike sighed heavily and scooped her up in his arms, settling her down on the bed so she was resting against the pillows.
As he turned to leave, Buffy caught his hand and looked into his eyes as they met hers. Spike smiled as he saw her emotions playing out in her green orbs, nodding at her, he settled down on the bed next to her. He held his arm out to one side and watched her lay her head on his chest like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to do. Buffy felt his arm wrap around her and let her fingers play on his chest as his played in her hair.
Closing her eyes, she savoured the feeling of lying next to him again and listened to his slow breathing--it felt comforting and peaceful just holding each other, locked away in the cocoon of her room and safe from the world outside. Spike held her a little tighter and took a deep breath, he needed to be honest with her, if what he'd seen in her eyes was true then he had to tell her everything--no more lies between them.
"Buffy." Spike sighed and pressed his cheek against the top of her head, she murmured. "The song, the one my mother used to sing when I was a baby, I wasn't so much of a baby as I said."
"Oh." Buffy shifted her head back so she could look up at him, she knew that if he started talking she wouldn't interrupt, she'd just let him get it out of his system.
"I was 28. Mother wasn't a well woman, used to entertain her as best I could, look after her. I loved her."
Buffy could see it in his eyes, she let her fingers stroke his chest and he bought his hand up and locked his fingers with hers.
"When I turned…" Spike's tone dropped until it was soft and tender. "I turned my mother, I just wanted to make her well, make her happy. Instead, I released a demon in her and it tore into me, took pleasure in crushing what little feelings I had. But I knew it wasn't her, my mother loved me, and I killed her. I've spent a century running away from that, running away from the memory of my mother turning against me, trying to get me to…"
From the frown on his face and the look of disgust, Buffy knew he was trying to say that his mother had tried to come on to him. She squeezed his hand tightly in hers.
"I damned her to hell and then sent her there, turned her to ashes. As she went, she looked like she had in life, peaceful and loving." Spike stifled his emotions and hurriedly brushed the tears from his eyes, Buffy gave him a warm reassuring smile and he blinked at her.
As he'd been talking, Buffy had realised that Spike had always retained his human side--a tiny part of William had survived in there and given him depth and emotion like no other vampire. He had already been unique without his soul, blessed with human qualities but prone to making more mistakes than his fully human counterparts. Buffy decided that he was always very much a man deep down inside, his soul had only added to it and bought it to the surface.
She pressed her hand against his chest and stared at it, remembering finding him in the basement and how tortured he had been. He suffered for her, suffered to be a better man, so she would love him and it had worked, but not in the way he had wanted it to--he'd only made her realise the feelings that were there all along and not instilled new ones. She'd missed him all summer and had spent hours each day wondering where he was, knowing he wasn't dust because she'd feel it if he was.
Buffy looked deeply into Spike's eyes and he blinked slowly as he recognised the emotions playing out in them--they were for him, all for him.
"Was it worth it?" Buffy kept her eyes locked with his as she felt his hand cup her cheek.
"To have moments like these, I'd do anything, go to hell and back just so I can be with you. I love you, Buffy." Spike waited to see if she'd push away from him like she had done so many times before, but she didn't, she just rested her head back down on his chest. He smiled.
"Tell me again." Buffy sighed out and waited for him to say it, waited for the thrill it caused in her--she'd missed hearing those words.
His soul seemed to spark into life on hearing her words, memories of how attentive she'd been recently mixed in his thoughts with the tender looks she had been blessing him with all night--all the beautiful emotions he'd seen in her eyes. The idea that they really were all for him caused a lump to form in his throat and Spike swallowed hard.
"Love you." Spike planted a shaky kiss on her hair and pressed his cheek against it.
Buffy traced a heart on his chest and closed her eyes. "Love you, too."
End
[If you want to read more of my Spuffy fanfiction visit my site Tales of the Slayer - just click on my bio!]
"Buffy…" He reached the top of the stairs and paused, she kept her eyes averted, her face turned away from him. "I…I understand your anger. Please believe me, we did what we…"
"He's alive. Spike's alive. Wood failed." Buffy kept her voice as calm as possible, her eyes remaining fixed on the doorframe--remembering how the man she once saw as a teacher, a friend, had tried to kill her former lover, her strongest warrior, her Spike.
"Well, that doesn't change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn…" Giles moved to lean against the doorframe--practically feeling Buffy slipping away from him.
"No." Steadying her emotions, Buffy looked up at him with a resolute expression. "I think you've taught me everything I need to know."
Moving into her room, she shut the door on Giles and it felt like she was shutting the door on a huge chapter of her life. She closed her eyes as she felt her insides squirming--Giles had wanted her to act like a general and she was, she needed Spike, not hard lessons.
Turning around she saw the vampire in question sitting on the end of her bed, his head hung low and his elbows rested on his knees. Buffy looked at Spike for a moment and then moved to sit next to him. Their hands slipped into each other's as they sat in the dark together, eyes facing forwards and both sighing heavily.
Buffy realised they both needed the comfort that came from touching each other and she held his hand a little tighter, letting her thumb caress his tenderly. After sitting together in silence for a few minutes, Buffy looked up at Spike.
"You hear all that?"
Spike nodded, he'd heard everything she'd said and knew that he was the reason she'd turned away from Giles. He wondered for a moment what she was feeling; shutting her old watcher out of her life must have been like killing her father figure and all for the sake of himself. Spike let his thumb brush against hers.
"I want you to know I had nothing to do with what happened tonight." Buffy stared at their thumbs as they stroked each other, their fingers locked tightly.
"I know." Spike managed half a smile--it was reassuring to hear confirm that she'd known nothing about Giles and Woods plan.
Releasing his hand, Buffy walked over to the bedside table and flicked the lamp on. As she turned back to face him she realised it was the first time she'd seen his injuries in the light. She moved to stand in front of him, as her eyes fluttered over his wounds and settled on the burn across his cheek. Buffy felt something inside her take over and it was like she needed to tend to him, immortal as he was--she wanted to look after him.
She eased her bedroom door open and looked out into the hall. On seeing it empty, she darted to the bathroom and gathered up all the medical equipment she could find.
Slipping back into her room, she closed the door behind her and locked it--the last thing she needed was someone barging in on her and Spike, rumours were already circulating about her and her former lover.
Spike waited patiently for her on the end of her bed, he didn't need the antiseptic but he wasn't going to say no to her if she wanted to look after him. He recognised that she'd been doing that a lot recently, looking out for him, looking after him.
Buffy sat back down on the edge of the bed, doused a cotton wool ball with some antiseptic, and ran it gently over the burn. As she worked to clean him up she kept meeting his eyes, they followed her every move.
"Tell me what happened." Buffy's voice was gentle and coaxing as she cleaned the cut below his eye.
"You saw the room, not exactly Spike friendly."
Her eyes met his and she narrowed them into a tender look, letting him read the emotions that dwelled there.
"I wasn't talking about that. I want to know what's going on, Spike."
He could see all her feelings dancing in her eyes and he blinked at her--were they real now, were they all for him?
"The Slayer I killed in 77, she was the principals mother. Guess he wanted to get revenge, played me the little ditty and bought out the demon in me, said he wanted to kill the man who killed his mother."
"That side of you doesn't exist any more. It's just a distant memory and I told Wood as much." She noticed that her hand was just resting against his cheek, her fingers idly stroking near his ear.
Spike reached up and put his hand over hers; curling his fingers around it, he held it tightly in his and bought it down to his chest where he pressed her palm against himself.
"That side of me is still in here, Buffy. Still visits my sleep and brings me the nightmares of the people I've killed, the things I've done. I'm still the demon, love." He paused and searched her eyes, Buffy knew he wasn't finished and waited patiently. "Can you live with that…Buffy?"
Her heart raced, pounding an ever-quickening rhythm out against her ribs, as she looked deep into his eyes. He won his soul for her, so he could be a better man--a man that she could love.
Buffy nodded, letting him know that she was okay with his demon side.
Spike smiled and averted his eyes from her; his soul felt like it was burning him up from the inside.
They sat for a few minutes in silence, her hand still pressing against his chest and his hand holding it there tightly.
"Are you de-triggered now?"
She saw him freeze and a mixture of emotions flickered across his face.
"I am. Wood set out to kill me, only to end up curing me." Spike felt like he was still trying to deal with everything tonight had thrown at him, his mother haunted him.
Buffy could see that he was thinking hard about something, weighing up the situation, she looked away from him and settled her eyes on the bedroom door. Spike watched her sigh.
"His intentions were good, love." He bought her hand down to rest on his knee and held it tightly, his thumb stroking the backs of her fingers.
"But they were wrong." Her voice was subdued as she bought her eyes to meet Spikes.
After a few seconds, Buffy looked down at their hands and smiled, enjoying the feeling of him stealing her body heat and the memories of old times.
"Giles told me that both you and I refuse to see the danger of the situation, that you're a liability and we both can't see it. He said you didn't know when to leave, I wished I told him it was me who'd asked you to stay."
"I'm glad I stayed, being here with you has helped me start becoming the man I want to be. Being near you, it's soothing, takes the edge off the pain when it all kicks off inside me." He pressed his hand against his chest and she let her eyes fall there.
"I'm glad you stayed, too."
Slipping her fingers into his, Buffy heaved a long sigh and stared at the floor. She was thinking about what Giles had said to her tonight, even Spike's comforting words couldn't stop the tide of emotion building up in her.
"What's wrong, pet?"
"When Giles was stalling me, stopping me from getting to you, he told me I needed to be a general, I needed to make those harsh decisions that would result in someone dying. I can't do that, Spike." She bought her eyes up to his and saw they were narrowed softly on her, expressing how much he loved her and how much he cared for her. "I'm so tired of it, all the pain and suffering, tired of commanding people to die."
Spike slipped his arm around her shoulder and held her tightly.
"You shouldn't have to make those decisions, but you're the Slayer, all chosen, you're the strongest one here and they are going to look to you to lead them. You'll be their guidance and their strength, Buffy, just like you are to me."
Buffy pressed her cheek to his chest, letting the warmth of his words spread through her as she struggled to contain her tears. It seemed to be one thing after another, Spike coming back and then killing again, just when she'd got over that his chip had tried to kill him and now Giles and Wood were out for his blood. She'd lost a part of her tonight and it seemed to have left a big gaping hole in her heart.
"I don't feel so good." Buffy mumbled as she closed her eyes and held back her tears.
Spike sighed heavily and scooped her up in his arms, settling her down on the bed so she was resting against the pillows.
As he turned to leave, Buffy caught his hand and looked into his eyes as they met hers. Spike smiled as he saw her emotions playing out in her green orbs, nodding at her, he settled down on the bed next to her. He held his arm out to one side and watched her lay her head on his chest like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to do. Buffy felt his arm wrap around her and let her fingers play on his chest as his played in her hair.
Closing her eyes, she savoured the feeling of lying next to him again and listened to his slow breathing--it felt comforting and peaceful just holding each other, locked away in the cocoon of her room and safe from the world outside. Spike held her a little tighter and took a deep breath, he needed to be honest with her, if what he'd seen in her eyes was true then he had to tell her everything--no more lies between them.
"Buffy." Spike sighed and pressed his cheek against the top of her head, she murmured. "The song, the one my mother used to sing when I was a baby, I wasn't so much of a baby as I said."
"Oh." Buffy shifted her head back so she could look up at him, she knew that if he started talking she wouldn't interrupt, she'd just let him get it out of his system.
"I was 28. Mother wasn't a well woman, used to entertain her as best I could, look after her. I loved her."
Buffy could see it in his eyes, she let her fingers stroke his chest and he bought his hand up and locked his fingers with hers.
"When I turned…" Spike's tone dropped until it was soft and tender. "I turned my mother, I just wanted to make her well, make her happy. Instead, I released a demon in her and it tore into me, took pleasure in crushing what little feelings I had. But I knew it wasn't her, my mother loved me, and I killed her. I've spent a century running away from that, running away from the memory of my mother turning against me, trying to get me to…"
From the frown on his face and the look of disgust, Buffy knew he was trying to say that his mother had tried to come on to him. She squeezed his hand tightly in hers.
"I damned her to hell and then sent her there, turned her to ashes. As she went, she looked like she had in life, peaceful and loving." Spike stifled his emotions and hurriedly brushed the tears from his eyes, Buffy gave him a warm reassuring smile and he blinked at her.
As he'd been talking, Buffy had realised that Spike had always retained his human side--a tiny part of William had survived in there and given him depth and emotion like no other vampire. He had already been unique without his soul, blessed with human qualities but prone to making more mistakes than his fully human counterparts. Buffy decided that he was always very much a man deep down inside, his soul had only added to it and bought it to the surface.
She pressed her hand against his chest and stared at it, remembering finding him in the basement and how tortured he had been. He suffered for her, suffered to be a better man, so she would love him and it had worked, but not in the way he had wanted it to--he'd only made her realise the feelings that were there all along and not instilled new ones. She'd missed him all summer and had spent hours each day wondering where he was, knowing he wasn't dust because she'd feel it if he was.
Buffy looked deeply into Spike's eyes and he blinked slowly as he recognised the emotions playing out in them--they were for him, all for him.
"Was it worth it?" Buffy kept her eyes locked with his as she felt his hand cup her cheek.
"To have moments like these, I'd do anything, go to hell and back just so I can be with you. I love you, Buffy." Spike waited to see if she'd push away from him like she had done so many times before, but she didn't, she just rested her head back down on his chest. He smiled.
"Tell me again." Buffy sighed out and waited for him to say it, waited for the thrill it caused in her--she'd missed hearing those words.
His soul seemed to spark into life on hearing her words, memories of how attentive she'd been recently mixed in his thoughts with the tender looks she had been blessing him with all night--all the beautiful emotions he'd seen in her eyes. The idea that they really were all for him caused a lump to form in his throat and Spike swallowed hard.
"Love you." Spike planted a shaky kiss on her hair and pressed his cheek against it.
Buffy traced a heart on his chest and closed her eyes. "Love you, too."
End
[If you want to read more of my Spuffy fanfiction visit my site Tales of the Slayer - just click on my bio!]