Chapter 7

Ben was lying on his bed. Three weeks of continuous work and training had him pretty much exhausted all the time. Which was exactly the point, of course. He'd been constantly working through the mess his life had become. Every other day he talked to Max or Zack, whoever had watch at the time, about his inner demons. They would listen to him and when he had shared part of his burden they talked about it, trying to see if there was something they could use to help him from the experience.

That was how his bedroom's walls had become a soft yellow instead of the bright white they were when they got there, because they had realized that waking up from a nightmare to an environment wholly white, specially when the nightmare had been framed in the night of the escape, didn't help at all to calm him.

That was just an example. Zack and Max were doing everything they could for Ben.

Well, right now it was just Zack. Max still hadn't come back from wherever she'd gone two days ago when she went into heat.

That had been a surprise, and not of the good kind. Just thinking of what would have happened if she hadn't left in time gave him the willies. However good it might have been to give into the urge to beat Zack and take Max... actually, just the thought brought a growl to his lips. But it would have been a mistake. Ben had never felt his instincts so close to the surface nor so overwhelmingly driving. Not even his urges to kill, and it had only been a momentary feeling thanks to Max's hasty retreat. He couldn't imagine what would have been like if she hadn't left.

His eyelids felt heavier with every passing second and Ben knew sleep was about to overtake him.

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Zack entered Ben's room and went to the bed. Ben was jerking around and making unintelligible sounds. Zack approached him carefully. It wasn't the first time one of them had to wake him up from a nightmare and Ben always needed a moment to realize he was safe and sometimes he lashed out in the meantime. It happened less and less with every passing day but Ben still had them.

"Ben." Zack called him in a stern voice, trying to break him out of his nightmare. "Ben, wake up."

Ben's eyes snapped open and he pounced on Zack so fast it took the older X5 a second to register it. Zack pushed Ben off of him and stood quickly, turning on his heels to keep Ben in sight.

Ben was still on the floor, almost on his fours and his eyes were fixed on Zack, but they weren't focused. They were glazed and wide, unseeing, and even though Zack was the target, he knew Ben wasn't seeing him at all.

Ben growled and attacked again, his arms wide open and his teeth showing. Knocking Zack over, they both went down, with Ben on top pinning Zack with arms and legs, his head lunging forward with an obvious target, Zack's jugular.

Zack slipped out of Ben's grasp with practised ease, Ben's state of mind wasn't really helpful for his technique, and using his legs as leverage he pushed Ben off with all his might.

Ben went flying over the bed and crashed against the wall across the room, sliding down to the floor where he remained still. The powerful his snapped him out of his haze and he stayed completely frozen, recuperating his breath and forcing his body to relax. A few minutes of tense silence later he raised his head and looked at Zack who had gotten to his feet and was leaning on the wall watching him.

"Sorry." Ben said lowering his gaze again. "I... I didn't..." He trailed off not knowing what to say.

"It's okay, Ben." Zack said walking toward Ben and offering him his hand. Ben took it and stood, not looking at Zack. "Come on, I have something for you." He started to walk out of the room and said over his shoulder, "Come with me."

Zack left the room and went to their study, once there he motioned for Ben to sit on the couch and he did. Zack went to the bookcase and took a book.

"I have the nightmares, too, you know?" Zack said, his back to Ben. "I'm not sure why they affect you so much more than the rest of us, but we all have them." Zack turned and looked at Ben, but he wouldn't meet his eyes. Zack walked to the couch and sat down beside Ben.

"Maybe there's something really wrong with me." Ben said.

"I don't know, Ben. Maybe. Or maybe you just needed the structure Manticore represented more than us, or you were too..." Zack searched for a word that didn't sound too accusing to his brother, "...sensitive for that place."

Ben made a face at his brother's choice of word but he said nothing.

"The point is that I had the nightmares, too. Dark and suffocating, and I used to wake up not knowing where I was or how I got there." Zack paused, he wanted Ben's complete attention and he could see how his word's had made his brother's focus go inwards for an instant before he forced himself to listen again. "The worst one was when I went back to that day in the woods." He didn't have to say anything else, they both knew what he meant. "We've been through worse. After all, none of us suffered any physical torture, or punishment, we weren't taken for experimentation to the labs, nor put on the tanks... But that day was different. The horror of that day came from within us and that made it the worst experience I had at Manticore. There was no guard hurting us, no Lydecker egging us on... it was us. Just us."

Ben closed his eyes fighting the rush of images that flooded his mind.

The whole unit running through the woods, chasing a man running through the woods, looking over his shoulder. He fires at them; they duck briefly and then resume running. The man climbs up a slope. Zack kicks the gun out of his hand. The man draws the knife. Ben kicks the man; the knife flies out of his hand and he falls to the ground. As the other kids gather around, Ben grabs the man's shirt and opens it to reveal a tattoo on his chest. The tattoo is of a heart being pierced by a knife and bleeding. The kids back away slightly, stunned.

"He's a Nomalie." Ben says.

The kids yell and start beating him. Their yells and his screams ring through the forest.

"Sometimes I think that we never should've left. Everything made sense there."

"No. Nothing made sense there." Zack said firmly. "You have to let go of all that, Ben."

Ben lowered his voice so much Zack had to strain his ears to hear him. "I'm a good soldier. I try so hard."

"I know." Zack assured him.

"It was the most exhilarating day of my life. For one brief moment, we were what we were meant to be... predators. I think we even scared Lydecker that day. I remember watching that man run off into the woods... how long it seemed for Lydecker to count down the seconds. He never had a chance." Ben shook his head. "I wake up with the sound of my heart pounding in my ears, and the taste of his blood in my mouth. And I feel like I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing, hiding my instincts, every minute of every day, so no one will know what I really am. A soldier... a hunter... a killer. And I just have to act."

"Yeah, I know. And that makes it all the worse. It was the same for me. I woke up and I had to fight my own nature. I didn't want to be that. I was terrified that was what I really was inside. So I went looking for answers."

Ben's expression was one of confusion and Zack smiled.

"I know, it's not like I could just go to Manticore and ask nicely for their help." Zack said amused. "I meant that I started reading all I could find about different things. Behaviorism, mental manipulation, military environment and its effects, animal behaviour... There are lots of studies on related topics, like Feral Children and such. Some of those studies mentioned a book, a novel, and out of curiosity I read it."

Zack gave the book to Ben and he took it, reading the title. "The Lord of the Flies by William Golding." He said aloud and looked at Zack.

"You should read it." Was all Zack said and he got up and left the room.

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