Title: Impermanent
Author: Jean G - jeangenie2424yahoo.co.uk
Disclaimer: Not
It's just a jacket hanging on the back of a chair. Haphazard and transitory, it's not a symbol of something permanent and warm. It's just another piece of his clothing which has been carelessly strewn about your room. That happens a lot recently but it doesn't mean anything yet. One morning you could wake up and the only clothing in your bedroom will again just be that which you have neatly folded away.
You were lonely before you met him. It was beginning to seem like while you were working 16 hour days to prove yourself at work everyone else you knew had either moved away or paired off. Established routines had helped you keep from over thinking about what was missing in your life. Wednesday night drinks with girlfriends when you weren't stuck in front of a monitor at work, weekly phone calls to your mother, babysitting your niece and nephew. Structure and balance, work and play kept separate.
This is not structured. This is work and play mingling in a way you'd only dared to let yourself imagine deep in quiet nights. This is unbelievable.
He has pushed you into places you didn't realise you were capable of reaching. Before you met him you considered yourself responsible, independent and calm. When you're with him you don't feel as though you're in control of what you are. You think of dull seaglass being unexpectedly held up to the light and casting brilliant colours everywhere. He's lifted you.
You feel like calling up the old friends who drifted away when they fell in love and apologising for vilifying them. You didn't understand. No relationship you've had up until this point prepared you for this. There were kind men who made you laugh, a long term boyfriend through college who was more of a best friend than anything else and a couple of doomed affairs. There was never this fascination with another human being.
You never gave their clothing more than a second thought. You certainly never sighed with relief to see a piece of their clothing still hanging on the back of your chair in the morning.
He's been in love before but he told you straight up that his faith in love is shaken and you're scared he doesn't seem to be capable of loving in the same way as you. You're trying to keep how intense your feelings are becoming to yourself until you're certain they're reciprocated.
There are clues he feels the same. You can't keep your hands off each other when you're alone. There isn't anyway to touch each other enough. Neither of you is going anywhere but even so there seems to be an inordinate amount of pinning each other against walls and holding on for dear life. You think your bodies are beginning to communicate what you're both holding back on.
It could be a reaction to the bombing of CTU and the nuclear strike that's made everything seem more urgent. You smile when you remember his laconic remark about saving the world and then going out for dinner and a movie. They're both savvy enough to realise how clichéd it sounds but the fact of the matter was that it had made them value life. Every sensation is still heightened six weeks on with the awareness that they came within a hairs breadth of not surviving the day. The fact that so many factors had converged to push them together seemed to justify everything.
Every so often you catch him staring at you at work and you catch a flash of naked emotion. It usually makes you lose your breath and more often than not your train of thought. You try and behave professionally but that glint in his eye usually conjures up the image of him lying beneath you and it's the most intensely sexual image you can imagine. You feel it everywhere when you hear his voice.
It's not just the sex. Well, not for you anyway. You don't think it is for him either. At least you hope not because you're falling in love with him. There isn't anything else. You don't want routine anymore; you don't want the lonely nights. You want his mess cluttering your house, his hands reaching for you in the middle of the night. You want to protect his heart at the same time as leaving your defences down for him to reach yours. You want to prove to him that you will never desert him, that he can trust you. You want him to trust you.
You want to be happy and the prospect of waking up without him for the rest of your life isn't a happy one. You want him.
His jacket is still hanging there and judging from the absence of light through the sheer curtains there are hours still to pass before you have to put your professional faces and attire on again.
You roll over to face him and are surprised to find him awake and watching you. He's surprised too but laughs at the look on your face.
"What, Michelle? You were expecting to find someone else here?" his hand finds her hip instinctively and pulls you close to him. You laugh and kiss him. The kiss quickly begins to deepen until he pulls away.
"What were you lying awake thinking about, sweetheart?" he asks gently but his gaze is searching your face and you're not sure what for. You begin to wonder if you're not the only person in this relationship who's waiting for reassurance and make the impulsive decision to tell him exactly what's on your mind.
"Tony, I love you." And you kiss him gently on the lips and pull away looking for a reaction.
You're rewarded when he smiles like you've never seen before. You feel your face break into a relieved smile and he cups your face and kisses you so tenderly that you suddenly feel like crying.
He pulls back and grins before saying emphatically, "Michelle, I love you so much".
And for now there's nothing else that needs to be said aloud. You're reassured that you don't need to rely on physical clues to determine if he's yours or not anymore.