Disclaimer: I stand by my previous statement: Everyone knows that no single person owns FF8, so of course I don't, either.

Alternate Fantasy

By Draic

Chapter Seven: Special Chewing Gum

The elevator doors closed and the world outside rose. Possibly because I was going down… Either way, I emerged in the eerie blue world of the MD level. Not my favourite place to spend the evening. It was originally intended as the living quarters of an important Shumi, a race of people that lived underground. No one I knew understood why the Shumi hadn't come to Garden or why he was asked to come in the first place. But now the MD level was a storage area. Boxes were piled everywhere and sheets of paper, plastic containers and bits of metal were strewn all over the place. Not for the first time, I wondered how they'd brought all this junk down here in that tiny elevator.

"Hello?" I called.

Seifer's head poked up out of a box. Or possibly from behind the box. "Oh, hey, Squall. We're all over here."

I wove a path between boxes and found a cleared space where Quistis and Selphie were sitting. Selphie wore her cadet uniform, a sharp contrast to Quistis' ribbons. On the other hand, I was still wearing my own cadet uniform. In disgust, I realised I'd been wearing the same clothes since my memory problem, three days ago. I didn't smell too bad, but the first chance I got I was taking a shower.

Selphie looked up, smiled sweetly and asked, "Sleep well, Squall?"

I ignored her and sat next to Quistis, who casually stood and crossed over to help Seifer take down a few boxes. I sighed. Yes, Squall, Quistis is just a tad upset.

"So what exactly are we doing?" I asked. Selphie snorted and Quistis didn't look at me.

When Seifer finally noticed this, he said, "We're taking inventory."

"For how long?"

"Until it's done," Selphie snapped.

Wow. This was not going to be much fun for any of us.

"What are the rest of you doing?"

"I'm checking and labelling the boxes, Selphie is checking the last records from like 1000 years ago…"

"Funny, that. The Garden was only created 14 years ago."

Seifer ignored me and for a wonder, Selphie didn't take the opportunity to jeer at me.

"Selphie is checking the records and Quistis is…"

"Moping," Selphie said nastily. "She's all upset because her precious Squally was having a f--"

She was interrupted by a plastic container shooting past her ear, soon to be followed by a deflated basketball that smacked the girl on the side of the face and stuck there with a distinctive PTTHP sound.

Selphie jumped to her feet and peeled the rubber from her face. "You little bitch!"

"Look who's talking." Quistis shot back, her eyes icy to Selphie's fire.

Selphie clenched her fists and stepped forward. "Alright, you f--"

This time, Quistis herself flew through the air at the shorter girl. Seifer and I could only gape as she tackled the brunette and drove her into a stack of boxes. There were a series of grunts, shrieks and curses, then the unmistakable glow of magic shone from among the boxes. A blast of air ripped through the room, gathering all the paper and sending it soaring around our heads like snow. Boxes tumbled and the contents spilled out all over the floor. The next thing we knew, there was a fountain of water spurting out in all directions. My first hysterical thought was SAVE THE PAPER!!!!

Seifer seemed to be thinking more clearly and he yelled to me "Cast Reflect on yourself!"

I understood - basic SeeD training: protect yourselves, then eliminate the threat. The green glow of Reflect surrounded us and we advanced on the lair of the screaming banshees. As one, we threw off the top layer of boxes and cast our own magic:

"Silence!"

"Break!"

The noise stopped, except for the steady drip, drip of the water. Seifer and I continued to clear a space around the frozen women until they were clear of the debris.

We could only stare at the bizarre sculpture of the two intertwined figures. Selphie had a firm grip on Quistis' hair and had the other hand shoved hard against her face. Quistis had a handful of Selphie's top and had managed to find the basketball again, having been caught with it only a few inches from Selphie's face. Together we heaved them to an upright position, but after a few unsuccessful attempts we realised they wouldn't balance that way and had to lean them against a wall. We couldn't even separate them. Their eyes followed our movements - the only part of them able to move.

"Now," Seifer began, barely containing his laughter. "Do you promise to behave?"

In unison, both girls rolled their eyes. They couldn't answer, of course.

"Okay, Squall… do the honours," he instructed.

"What? Um… I don't have any Esuna…"

"Soft? Echo Screen? Remedy? Dispel!?"

"…"

"You're joking!?"

The girls' eyes were bulging.

"Where's yours, then?" I countered.

"…"

"Yeah, so don't complain about me having no healing items or magic if you don't."

I was pretty sure Quistis had fainted. It was hard to tell - the only difference was that her eyes were glassy.

We emptied our pockets and came up with one, single bottle of Soft.

"Uhhh..." I commented.

"Who do we use it on?"

"Quistis!"

"Why?"

"…because, uh…she has healing magic!" It was true - at least, I thought it was true - but that hadn't been my real reason… I would always prefer a fully-functional, angry Quistis over Selphie.

"Oh. Okay, then."

"But…"

"What?"

"She's unconscious…"

"Oh."

"…"

"Slap her!" Seifer suggested.

"What?"

"To wake her up!" I stared at him.

"Uhh… I'd rather you did it…"

"Oh, okay."

Seifer moved over to Quistis, leaning at an odd angle on the wall. Her eyes were still glassy. He drew his hand back and slapped her hard across her cheek. Her petrified, stone-hard cheek.

"Owwww!" Seifer yelped, holding his hand.

"Seifer… I meant after you use Soft."

"Oh. Right."

He poured the Soft over her head and watched it trickle over her features, restoring her original colour.

The basketball dropped from her hand and she sagged against the stone Selphie, causing them both to fall crashing to the floor once more.

"Sorry, Sel…"

It was hard without being able to narrow her eyes, but I swear Selphie was glaring at us.

We pulled her back up again, propped her up with a few boxes and then we discovered another problem…

"Squall…"

"Yeah?"

"Selphie can't let go of Quistis' hair…"

"What, so she's stuck like that?"

"…"

I swear that now Selphie was smiling. Freaky.

"We could cut her hair…" Seifer suggested.

"What!? Are you CRAZY!? Do you know how much Quistis loves her hair? She'll go ballistic!"

"Well, then we'll just have to leave her how she is."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"…So slap her already!"

"Oh, yeah, right."

He crouched down, pulled back his good hand and slapped Quistis across the other cheek. Her eyes and mouth flew open, but she said nothing.

"Wow. She took that pretty well," he commented.

She bit him.

"OWWW!" he yelled, leaping up and rubbing his hand.

"Quistis! What did you do that for!?"

She rolled her eyes.

Oh…

"Seifer… she's still Silenced."

"So?"

"We needed her to heal Selphie."

"So?"

I stared at him. Quistis stared at him. Selphie stared at him.

"Oh."

He stared at the floor, then looked up suddenly.

"We could search her."

"What?"

"For healing items."

We stared at Quistis.

"Where would she keep them?" I wondered. "She doesn't have any pockets…"

"You never asked her?"

I scratched my head. "Not exactly, no."

"Then we'd need to frisk her."

"Frisk her?"

"Yeah, frisk her. You know, when you…"

"I know! But… frisk her!?"

We turned to Quistis. She attempted to crawl away, but could barely move due to the stone hand enclosed around her hair – not to mention the weight of Selphie herself.

I kneeled in front of Quistis.

"Quistis, do you have any healing items?"

She didn't respond.

"Quistis, will you please heal Selphie?"

She shook her head.

"Please?"

She shook her head again and stuck her tongue out.

"Quistis, if you don't heal Selphie we're going to need to…"

"FRISK you," Seifer supplied.

Her eyes went wide.

"Where do you keep your items, Quistis?"

She waved me away. I understood, and turned around.

"Turn around, Seifer."

"…"

"Turn around!"

"I am, okay!? Jeez…"

"Okay, you can turn around again," Quistis said.

She was standing away from Selphie and glaring at her. Selphie's hand was moving, making rude signs at Quistis. It was the only mobile part of her body.

"Quistis, are you going to free more of Selphie than just her hand?"

"No," she replied calmly.

"Don't make me make Seifer…" I warned her

"Frisk…" Seifer said.

"No," she repeated

"Screw this," said Seifer, and lunged for Quistis, pinning her against the wall.

"It's now or never, Quistis," I commented.

"Look, Sel's stuck over there like a statue," Seifer told me. "I'm not going to waste time asking her if she's just going to be so stuck-up about it."

Seifer frisked Quistis.

"Ugh," said Quistis, and slapped him.

"Believe me, that was as horrible for me as it was for you."

"Hey!" she said, offended. She would have slapped him again if he hadn't ducked away.

"Seifer… you just frisked her…"

"Yeah, that was the idea. And I've found a bottle of Soft and I can use it on Selphie."

"SEIFER! You just FRISKED my GIRLFRIEND!"

"Umm… you don't sound too happy."

I lunged for Seifer. Seifer lunged for Selphie. I tackled Seifer, and the bottle of Soft smashed against Selphie's stomach. The liquid ran down her lower body, leaving her upper half still frozen.

"Damn!" Seifer shouted.

"Squall, stop fighting with Seifer," Quistis said.

"Huh? But I was… defending… your… honour…?"

"How nice. But Instructor Segal will be down here to check at any moment and everything is worse off than when we started! Stop fighting with Seifer and help me clean up."

"Yeah, fine, whatever." I turned to Seifer. "Umm… sorry."

Seifer was staring at Selphie. "Quistis, do you have any more Softs?"

"No, sorry." She didn't sound too sorry, but I instinctively knew that she was telling the truth.

"But if Kiros comes down and sees Selphie like this…"

"Turn her upside down," I suggested.

"Excuse me?"

"Turn her upside down. Whatever's left of the liquid will run back up her body and free her upper half."

"Sorry, Sel, but it looks like I'm gonna have to do this."

Seifer heaved the girl over so her head was touching the floor and her legs were sticking up in the air. With her free hand, she held her skirt up.

After this experience, her SeeD uniform included a pair of the male trousers.

Quistis began gathering the scattered sheets of paper together, while I scrounged around until I found a mop, putting it to good use. Seifer was still trying to keep Selphie vertical. My idea had worked and the Soft was slowly freeing Selphie's upper body as well.

"Well, it doesn't look like you've done much clean-- Seifer! What are you doing with Selphie?!"

We spun around - Seifer nearly dropping Selphie in the process - and there was Instructor Segal, staring at Seifer suspiciously. I hoped he couldn't see that Selphie's face was grey - she was in shadow and the Soft was starting to trickle down her face, so maybe…

"Umm…" Seifer said, panicking. "We were… practicing… uh… Gymnastics!"

"Gymnastics," Kiros said flatly.

While his attention was elsewhere, I tried quickly and discreetly to mop up the last of the water, then hid the mop behind what must have been the last stack of boxes remaining upright.

"Yeah, gymnastics," Quistis supplied.

"And why are you practicing gymnastics?"

"Oh… we're practicing gymnastics because… we… got cramps and needed to stretch!"

"By doing… headstands."

"…"

Selphie shook free of Seifer and stood up the right way. Her hair was a tinge grey, her spikes bent by the weight of her stone tips.

"Well, it worked. Selphie's feeling much less numb now, aren't you, Selphie?"

Mistake. Selphie was still silenced.

She nodded vigorously.

"Is something wrong, Selphie?" Kiros asked.

She shook her head vigorously.

"… I see."

"Oh, I think Selphie must still have mouth cramps," I said, trying to get the others to realise she was Silenced before they said something stupid.

"Mouth cramps?" Kiros asked. I winced. And you thought you could stop the others from saying something stupid? Just shut up now, Squall.

"Yeah," Quistis supplied. "Mouth cramps. Ever since we came down here, she's just been jabbering on and on and on and on and on and--"

"Well how about we give her some of that special chewing gum, Quistis?" I interrupted.

"Huh?"

"You do have some of that SPECIAL CHEWING GUM, don't you, Quistis? For her MOUTH CRAMPS?"

"Oh. Yes. Here is the special chewing gum, Squall." I grabbed the item that Quistis was concealing behind her hand.

"Thank you for the special chewing gum, Quistis. I'll just take it to Selphie."

I moved over to Selphie, who was wearing a ghastly smile.

"Here, Selphie, have some special chewing gum." I stood in front of her to block Kiros' view, and gave her the tube of Echo Screen. She squirted half the tube in her mouth and quickly rubbed some on her neck. I took the tube and stepped back, stepping all the way back to behind Seifer, where I could safely shove the tube in my pocket.

"Is that special chewing gum working, Selphie?" Kiros asked.

She looked sick. I doubt she was paying any attention to anything outside her own mouth.

"Selphie, Instructor Kiros just asked you if the special CHEWING gum was working," Seifer reminded.

Selphie got the hint and tried hard to look like she was chewing on the cream.

"Hey, I could use some of that gum during my lectures. Could you spare some?" Kiros asked.

Everyone looked at me for some reason. I was still hiding behind Seifer.

"We… don't have any more!" I said, peeking out from behind the taller man. He stepped on my foot, murmuring, "You look like a five-year-old", so in my nerves I practically leapt away from him.

"Well, what's it called, then?" Kiros asked, giving me a strange look in return for my unprecedented jumping practice.

"… I don't know!" I cried.

"You don't know? How can you not know?" he persisted.

"Uhh… Because… Because it's QUISTIS' gum!"

Everyone looked at Quistis.

"Yeah, but I borrowed it from Seifer!"

Everyone looked at Seifer.

"I bought it from Selphie!"

Everyone looked at Selphie. Shit. We gotta stop doing that!

"…"

"Is this true, Selphie?"

"…"

"Selphie, you're going to have to tell him," I warned.

"Is it your gum, Selphie?"

"…Yesh…"

A glob of cream shot from her mouth onto the floor.

Seifer quickly stepped on it.

"You, uh, have to spit it out once your done, sir, because it… it…"

"Is really no good for your digestion," Quistis put in.

"Oh really? So what is it called, Selphie?"

"…" She shrugged.

"She hasn't thought of a name yet, sir." We stared at him in shock, and his wide eyes told us he really hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"Ahh… that is… because… she MADE the special chewing gum," he corrected himself. We sighed in relief.

"Oh, she did, did she?"

"Isn't that against Garden code?" Quistis asked, then clapped a hand to her mouth in horror. She really couldn't have helped herself, could she?

"Not according to Line 5 Paragraph 6 under Code 62B," I said, randomly making up numbers.

"Students should keep to their own bed?" Kiros asked, confused.

"Uhh… maybe I'm a little rusty…" I muttered. How could he know the entire school code?

"Anyway, Selphie, can I borrow or buy some?"

She looked horrified. Technically, she had already spat out her gum and no longer had an excuse not to talk. We watched in fascination as she swallowed half a tube of Echo Screen.

"…euhhhh…"

"I think that was the last of it, sir," Seifer said.

"Oh, what a pity. When are you making more?"

"No… time… soon," she said hoarsely.

"Not until we check up on the Garden Code, anyway, sir," I put in.

"Good idea. Well, as I came down here to check your progress, I should do just that."

Ohhh, great.

Kiros walked around the room. "Hmm… Looks much the same as it was last time I came down here. At least you haven't made a mess. What's this? Has someone been mopping?"

"Uh… yes, sir," I admitted.

"Why?"

"Because it was dirty, sir?"

"I see. Isn't it customary to remove all objects in the room and mop the whole floor at once?"

"Yes, sir."

"So why didn't you do that?"

"…Temporary insanity, sir?" I pleaded.

"Yes, there seems to be a lot of that going around lately," he said, looking around at all of us. "Hmmm… Well, I'll tell you what. You four go up and get something to eat, and then you can come back down here and finish up. How does that sound?"

"Fine!"

"Good!"

"Great!"

"…ack…"

"Alright. Good luck with your job, I guess."

And he finally left us alone, getting into the elevator. We all slumped against the walls, laughing and crying in hysterical relief. We actually made a pretty good team - when we weren't at each other's throats. But… as the elevator rose, I was sure I could hear the Instructor's own laughter.

He couldn't have just been toying with us all along, could he? Surely not…

I shook it off and we went to have dinner.

See what I meant? There wasn't time for Squall to think during that 'dull chore', now was there? Seriously, this was never an intended part of the storyline. They just came down for detention and went nuts for six pages. I tried to stop them! Or not. But it was amazing how it just seemed to happen without me needing to be part of it. Okay, so it's a comedy sketch, not a blockbuster musical, but I was pretty impressed!

AUTHORS:

Ayako

ShadowsOfDeath (!!! …Scary)

Ashbear (really, how hard is it to see Squall and Quistis together? Especially seeing as they're not themselves! But I really like your review!)

Kouryuu (lol, that's the plan)

Lady-Mage Firebreeze (wow, your review is almost as long as mine are! Yes, I also love Squall's psychology)

Solarwind Starfire (Write the damn - oh, I'm funny am I? In that case, you're excused.)

Lil Angel

FloralBlackMoon (yeah, the switching is the hardest part to write simply. What can I do?)

Quall Goddess (thanks for coming back!)

Rodi Hanc

Optical Goddess (yeah, it had been a year since I updated. Shame! I'll try not to do it again…)

CuteMooglez (Dream sequence gone! Boom! No more confusion! Well… less confusion…)

Faery-of-fiction (gosh, you are like the ideal reader - you get excited about all the things I wrote the story to do!)

ANONYMITES:

Jaded Fury (Ellone is now gone. It is good. Are you happy?)

Hwoarang/Xiaoyu (How should I know what's going on?)

AW

White Crescent (AAAH! You're an anonymite! What happened? And glad to provide inspiration)

Dark Phoenix

Once again, thanks to everyone who bothers to read this stuff, more thanks for all the people who bother to review, and thank Hyne for the people who tell me that something just doesn't make sense! I need to hear these things.

Now, boys and girls, does anyone remember the three R's? "Read!" That's right, Tommy! "Review!" Good work, Jane! What about you, Sussinfruss? "Uh… Rutabaga?" (Teacher bursts into tears and goes to sit sobbing in the corner - she had repressed memories - don't ask…)

Draic

This chapter is proudly brought to you by "Understanding", a White Crescent endeavour.

This is a very cool fanfic, from the point of view of Angelo. Very sweet.

(So devour it!)

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