Disclaimer: You get the drift. I don't own Squaresoft's FF8 concepts, blah blah blah.

Alternate Fantasy

By Draic

Chapter Fourteen: Journey

I awoke feeling worse than when I went to bed and cursing the time I'd spent training myself to wake at sunrise. I'd been plagued by dreams I could only half-remember. In one, two familiar children had been having a conversation in an old ruin. In another, Rinoa tuned into a chocobo and pecked me mercilessly while I chased after another Rinoa who I could never reach even though she just stood there and watched me run.

I did eventually make it out of bed and was going to skip my morning shower in favour of grabbing some coffee from the cafeteria, but once I grabbed my leather jacket from the desk I caught myself hunting frustratedly for a long purple bandana. I slapped myself mentally and decided that I needed to be awake right that moment, or I'd probably find myself searching for a coffee machine in Dr. Kadowaki's supply cupboard. So I took the cold shower and felt slightly better for it.

I still made the trip to the cafeteria, but by that time the place was crowded and so I grabbed my drink and a random pastry and beat a hasty retreat to somewhere a bit quieter.

I believe that food and drink were prohibited from the library, but from the look of the librarian on duty, she was awake far too early to notice anything less than a Lunar Cry aimed right at the library roof. Although, noticing a disheveled pigtail as I sneaked past, she would probably perk up a little if Zell came bouncing in.

I took a seat by a window and watched the waves roll by as I sipped my coffee. We were headed for the southernmost island of Centra from our position at Trabia Garden, so the quickest and most direct route took us north. Which meant that we were going to be on open sea for the next few days. And while I could probably blame the strange dreams on the unfamiliar motions of the Garden, I wasn't in any position to complain. I could, however, try to quicken the trip.

With that thought in mind, I crossed to a reference terminal and brought up a world map. I wasn't about to dispute Xu's knowledge of Centra - I heard she was actually brought up on the continent - but I wasn't as confident about Nida's grasp of geography - though to his credit, he had charted us a remarkably smooth course so far. Just to be safe, I could at least make sure we were headed in the right direction.

I zoomed in on the west coast of lower Centra and opened an information screen on the area. Sure enough, there was both a lighthouse and nearby ruins on the Cape of Good Hope. Whether or not it was our orphanage there was no way to tell, although the name 'Cape of Good Hope' did send a sort of shiver through my mind.

Our last known position was just south of Trabia Garden, so assuming we'd moved moved east to avoid the mountains, we'd have entered the ocean somewhere around…

"Good morning, Commander."

Irritation flared at the all-too familiar voice and phrasing, tearing me from my thoughts. I rolled my eyes and turned to stare at Xu. As always, she looked fresh-faced and had not so much as a speck of lint on her pressed SeeD uniform. Despite her height, she radiated authority. Flanked by Quistis, the ultra-perfectionist, it was hard not to feel like a misbehaved and very scruffy cadet beings dragged to detention. After all, both these women had taught me various classes over the years.

"Xu." What do you want now?

"There are some things we need to discuss with you, Squall," Quistis supplied.

I looked at her. "Like what?"

She grimaced and looked at Xu. This is not going to be pleasant. So much for my peaceful morning.

"Like the fact that I just spent the night with the Garden Staff trying to convince them that going to Centra is the right move despite the fact that aside from the little Quistis has told me I don't have a clue why we're going," Xu snapped. "We may have to follow your orders but I swear this is the last time I'm going to take responsibility for your decisions. You are the goddamn commander of Garden and it's high time you started acting like it!" By the end of her speech she was shouting. Quistis put hand on her arm and looked nervously towards the librarian.

It's not like I wanted the job! I yelled inside my head. It was kind of forced on me! You have a problem with the way I do things, you can go find someone else!

I was struggling to keep my expression blank. I wanted to scream.

"Squall…" Quistis began, and I rolled my eyes, waiting for her to ask me to talk, second-guess my thoughts, or try to calm me down. "Whether or not you wanted to be commander has nothing to do with it." I felt like I'd been hit. I stared at her in shock.

"You are the commander," she continued, "and there's nothing you or I can do can change that. It was the Headmaster's decision to make, and only the Headmaster can select a new commander. Until we can sort through this mess that Cid has made, this is who you are."

I closed my eyes, trying to escape the truth of her words. I could feel that small voice in me rising. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? it whined. All I wanted was to be left alone! But I knew that was not an answer. I couldn't just ignore the situation this time.

I had committed myself to Balamb Garden. I was a SeeD; I had spent over a decade training here to be a SeeD. But more than that, the Garden was my home. If I turned my back on this and walked away… what would I do? Where would I go? I couldn't… I just couldn't let this place go. I let out a bitter laugh as I realised the irony of the situation. I had always tried to be completely independent - to never have to rely on other people, or become tied down by their problems. But I had buried myself so deeply within Garden that I couldn't begin to comprehend leaving. Independent? Hah!

I opened my eyes again and looked from face to face. Xu had reigned in her anger and though impatient, she was not without concern and recognised that she was in unknown territory - Quistis carried the lead here. Quistis herself was probably running through every thought in my head, judging my reaction and calculating the difficulty they would have getting me to comply. Yet her face showed only compassion. She was giving me time to think, keeping the pressure off… and waiting me out. It was my move.

I took a deep breath, hesitated, then took another.

If Garden decreed that I was commander…

"What do I have to do?"

If either of them had smiled I might have hit them. I was at breaking point here. But instead, they both just pulled up a chair. The tension had drained from Xu's expression but if either of them had so much as twitched a lip I had missed it.

"I want to make sure we all understand the situation," Xu began. "So first of all, I want to know exactly why you want to sail to Centra." I stared at her blankly.

"…Because of the Sorceress."

"Yeah, right. Like I'll believe that," she snorted. My face heated and I opened my mouth, but she overruled me. "If you really had the sorceress in mind, we would be hunting down Galbadia Garden. Now why do you really want to go?"

I clenched my jaw. She was right, but I wasn't ready to give up just yet.

"The Sorceress used to live there," I told her icily. "She used to be an ordinary person before she went ballistic. We're trying to find out more about-"

"I know all about Matron," Xu informed me. I shot a glance at Quistis but she seemed equally puzzled. "And that's the same cock-and-bull story I fed the Garden Staff, so that one's not going to work," the dark-haired woman finished.

"How do you-" Quistis began, but Xu held up a hand to stop her.

"Later," she said. "Let's just stick to the topic." She returned her gaze to me. "Same question."

Last chance, her expression warned. I sighed.

"She was our mother," I replied simply. "I do want to know more about her… but the real reason we want to go is because we don't really remember anything of what happened there. I'm not sure if it's because of the GFs or something else entirely…" Was it my imagination, or did Xu suddenly look uncomfortable? I trailed off and looked at her suspiciously, but her face was blank.

"We've lost huge portions of our memories, Xu. And we want them back," Quistis finished with an unusual fierceness.

But I'd kept my eyes on Xu and there was no doubt about it - she had flinched slightly at Quistis' words. What was she hiding?

"Right," she said, ignoring my pointed looks. "So you're going to the orphanage to regain your childhood. All well and good… except that you're dragging the entire population of Garden halfway around the world so that you and your friends can catch up on old times!"

I just stared at her as what she'd said began to sink in.

"Squall, if someone asks you why we're going to Centra," Quistis asked softly, "what are you going to say?"

I blinked and gave a start. Had I actually not realised what I'd been asking when I gave Xu our destination? What would I have thought had Cid suddenly informed us we were all going to, say, Winhill? I felt like kicking myself. How could I have been so stupid?

"It's just lucky for you that your Matron happens to be the Sorceress," Xu said. "Since we have no idea where G-Garden is at the moment, the Staff couldn't come up with any better option than to find out as much as possible about Edea. After all, she is currently the most dangerous woman on the planet. The orphanage is the only lead we have at the moment. That's what we'll tell the students."

She sighed. "We can cover for you this time, Squall. But you have to understand… you are responsible for every person in Garden. Your decisions change their lives and limit their own choices. They rely on you. Just try to keep that in mind."

She stood and saluted me with a small smile. I rose and returned the favour, but my mind was elsewhere.

They… rely on me?

Me? The loner who couldn't care less about others, who wouldn't even listen to their problems, much less solve them?

I couldn't believe it. This was a nightmare. I raised a hand to my head and nearly jumped as I suddenly heard someone moving.

"Is it okay if I use the terminal?" Quistis asked as I stared at her. I hadn't realised she was still here. She gestured to the console I'd been using. "Squall?"

I blinked, trying to snap out of it. "…Y-yeah, fine."

I shut down the atlas and left as quickly as I could short of running. I glanced at the girl with a pigtail but noticed with some relief that she had nodded off at the desk.

"Squall!" I heard Quistis call from the terminals.

"Later!" I shouted back, waking the librarian with a start. She stared at me blearily as I darted through the exit.

Rely on me? I repeated to myself as I strode through the hallway. Everyone in Garden… My responsibility? A male in SeeD uniform nodded to me as he passed and I stared at him askance. Why did he do that? I don't know him. I don't want to know him! How can I take responsibility for people I don't know?

I looked around casually as I entered the central walkway and to my heightened senses, the normally quiet corridors were filled with people who watched me as I moved by.

What should we do, Commander? their faces seemed to say. Where will you send us next?

Where did all these people come from? I wondered fearfully. I quickly turned to the left and forced myself to look straight ahead. Even so, I managed to bump into a female cadet. She opened her mouth with an irritated look on her face which vanished as she realised who I was. Oh, Hyne… I dodged around her and brushed away her apologies with a vague gesture.

How can they just accept that I'm their leader and lay their lives in my hands? Hearing the loud 'ding' of the elevator as its door opened, I instinctively turned the other way. What the hell do they expect me to do?

"Hey! Where d'ya think you're goin'?"

I'd found myself at the entry gates to Garden. I looked stonily at the receptionist. "Out," I snapped.

As I pushed through the turnstiles, the old man barked a laugh. "That right?" he said. "Ain't much 'out' to go to, boy."

I stopped and looked up. He was right, of course. The Garden was afloat. Beyond the next set of stairs was only a few paces of pavement and the open sea. I sighed. So I'm stuck. It took that thought to make me understand how badly I still wanted to run away from this problem. I closed my eyes. "Damn."

"What was you expecting?" the gatekeeper asked. "Balamb floatin' along with us?"

I ignored him.

"Dunno…" he continued. "I'd thought everyone here would've noticed the whole damned thing uprootin' itself like that."

"The water's a bit of a giveaway," I said, not really caring if he'd heard me or not.

"So I thought. And yet here you are," he shot back.

I opened my eyes. "Too many people in there."

I could feel him giving me the superior look. "No more'n usual. You sure you're not blind, kid?"

He was probably right. I'd probably been imagining the feeling of the crowds pressing in on me. What worried me was that somehow I'd never noticed all the people who lived in the same building I did. I really did live in my own little world, didn't I? Except for times like these, when little old men kept interrupting my thoughts…

"Not even a busy day," he was saying. "Not that it ever gets any busier here. You're the most excitement I've had all week." He sniffed. "Though you're none too exciting, neither."

I wasn't quite sure why I was still standing here and listening to this guy. Perhaps it was because he didn't expect anything of me. Perhaps it was because he clearly couldn't care less if I was the commander or not. On the other hand, perhaps he didn't know. I certainly wasn't about to fill him in.

I turned to stare at him. "So why are you still here?" I asked.

He raised his eyebrows at me. "The comp'ny," he confided, and snorted his derision. I shook my head, amused despite myself, and turned back to the sea. "'Sides, soon enough some little bugger'll try to go fishing offa there - and if I'm not here to tell 'em what for, who will?" he finished, triumphant.

"Oy!" he added, as I slowly moved toward the stairs. "Don't you go getting' any ideas!"

I rolled my eyes. Everyone's a troublemaker. I selected a step a few from the top and watched the water churn to froth and dissolve again. I didn't feel quite so queasy anymore, but I was still far from accepting of the whole situation.

I'd been made Commander through some crazed whim of the Headmaster's. Although I could perhaps understand the stress he was under, he obviously hadn't been thinking clearly. I mean, I'd been a SeeD for less than half a year, I still hadn't completed either of the two missions that had been assigned to me… and I barely noticed that other people existed. Sure. Poster-child material. Of course it's my destiny to lead Garden. Well, he'd made it my destiny quite effectively, hadn't he?

The first I'd heard about the new position was the same time he announced it to the whole Garden. I wasn't even given the opportunity to refuse, which had made me so furious at the time… I'd calmed myself down, fairly certain that Cid had made up the position on the spot - but he'd directed me to the Garden Code, and I'd realised with a sinking heart that I wasn't going to get out of it so easily.

Although the position had never been manned before, it had been written into the Code in the very beginning. The Commander was basically a title on par with the Headmaster, but while the Headmaster was in charge of running the Garden as a school, the Commander was in charge of military operations - running the Garden as an army. Cid's reasoning was sound - he wasn't a militant man himself, so if the need arose, someone would have to lead the Garden in his place. The position of Commander was evoked by the Headmaster and dismissed by the Headmaster - no one else. I don't doubt the possibility had crossed Cid's mind that should the Headmaster leave, the Garden would still run under the Commander - had to run under the Commander, because until another Headmaster was selected, the Commander could not be dismissed. Personally, I considered it a disgusting oversight on Cid's part - who knows what kind of person could end up Commander and unchallenged dictator in a Headmaster's absence. Someone like Seifer… that would be a nightmare. Or someone like me…

So not only was I stuck as Commander until a new Headmaster could be elected, I also had to take over the Headmaster's duties in the meantime. And with things the way they were at the moment, it would be a long time before a new Headmaster would be selected.

I'd never wanted this kind of responsibility. I had always stopped after looking out for myself. I'd always flown solo, so to speak. Sure, there had been times during training where I was required to work in a team, but never as a leader… until my graduation. The Timber mission. I'd been selected to lead over Selphie and Zell. At the time, I thought nothing of it. A simple enough task, I told myself. But from the moment I'd set foot on the Owls' train, things just got… complicated. Firstly through the numerous obstacles Rinoa created - her actions, her 'plans', the way she tried to run things… even just her presence would cause problems. I hadn't even worked out how to deal with her when Seifer appeared - and then the whole mission came to pieces. I hadn't been able to stop Zell from confessing Garden's involvement, I hadn't been able to stop the Sorceress from taking Seifer… and because of my failures, so many people had died. That should have been it for me. I'd failed my mission, I'd failed as a leader, and I'd failed as a SeeD. I'd only managed to hold it together because of Quistis' help. I would have been more than happy to let her take over from that point, but she had never shown the slightest intention to - and of course I wasn't going to be asking her to take my problems from me. Arrival at Galbadia only to be assigned another mission, another party member completely unknown to me. I didn't understand my position, I didn't understand my team, and I didn't have a clue what I was doing. But because I pretended I never had problems, when Caraway had asked for a leader, they had all looked to me.

Despite my misgivings I accepted leadership… I should have stopped right there. Just said 'no', and let Quistis take my part…

But no, it had already been set in stone even then, hadn't it? Everyone was already assuming I would once again take the lead… that was really the whole problem, wasn't it? Even Cid thought that since I had done it before, I could do it again. He had no idea how much I'd messed up, how many decisions turned out wrong, how many situations spiraled out of my control. Because of me, Trabia Garden was in ruins. Because of me, a Sorceress had taken control of Galbadia Garden. Because of me, Seifer was leading an army against us.

I wasn't cut out to be a leader. At least someone else had finally realised it - though Xu had no more control over the situation than I did. For better or worse, we were stuck with me. So I would have to work out how a leader was supposed to operate - and fast.

"Hey, kid!"

It was the gatekeeper again. "What?" I called back, not turning around.

"You got a visitor!" he shouted back.

What? I turned to him, curious - and sure enough, there was Rinoa, waving goodbye to the receptionist and heading towards me. Noticing I was watching her, she stopped and smiled. I was surprised; for whatever reason, we hadn't parted on good terms last time we spoke. In fact, hadn't she said she'd 'given up on me'? Why was she still smiling at me?

"Mind if I join you?" she asked.

I shook my head and watched as she moved closer and sat one step down from me, a little to my right. We sat in silence for a while, enjoying the view - although to be honest, I kept glancing over at Rinoa. She made me a little nervous. She was always so open and impulsive. I never had a clue what she was going to do next. It was difficult to work out how to react to her.

What was she doing here? She must have had a reason to come all the way out here - like the old man said, it wasn't as though this place was used too often since the Garden left the ground. On the other hand, what was my reason for being here? I'd sort of drifted around and just turned up here - couldn't the same thing have happened to Rinoa? Fate, perhaps? I shook my head. Don't be stupid. Not fate. A coincidence. Though it wasn't like Rinoa to wander around aimlessly, the way I had. She was too aware of everything to just drift here by accident…

It was me, wasn't it? She'd seen me here and wanted to talk. Don't jump to conclusions, Squall. Just because she meant to come here doesn't mean she expected you to be here. And yet here she was, beside me, knowing I was here… and yet the minutes wore on and still she wasn't saying anything. I shifted uncomfortably. Did she expect me to do something? I heard her sigh and I could stand it no longer.

"I'm sorry, Squall."

"Rinoa, I…"

I stopped. What? "Sorry?" I repeated, unsure what she meant.

She looked away from the ocean for a second and instead looked at me. Caught in her eyes, I could barely hear what she was saying.

"For yesterday. I guess I put my foot in it again and I wanted to apologise." She turned back to the water.

I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Apologise? As far as I could work out, she'd asked me something important and I hadn't heard. Why should she apologise?

"…Okay," I replied cautiously.

She laughed quietly. "Right."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, starting to feel edgy again.

She waved a hand at me. "It's just that anyone else might have said, 'Don't worry about it' or try to make a joke of it or tell me there was nothing to apologise for." She grinned over her shoulder at me. "You're very different from most people I've met, Squall."

I glowered at her. I still felt like she was poking fun at me. "Thanks," I snapped.

She turned around fully. "Oh, don't be like that," she said. "I meant it in a good way."

I deliberately didn't look at her, but I was listening…

"I mean, you're antisocial, a cranky-pants and a downright meanie when you want to be…"

That's it… I stood up and turned to go.

"…you don't know how to have a good time and you're absolutely clueless when it comes to girls," she continued, beginning to giggle.

I clenched my teeth and kept walking.

"… but you're a sweet, decent guy, you honestly care about your friends, and we can always rely on you to be there when we need you."

I paused for a moment. I wasn't quite sure how to react to that. So I just kept walking.

"You're a great leader," Rinoa added. "We all look up to you."

My eyes widened and I nearly fell over as my boot hooked on something. I could hear Rinoa laughing behind me.

I spun around and stalked back to her. "Let me just get one thing straight, Miss Heartilly. I am no more a leader than you are. Got that?"

She stared at me, unperturbed. "Sure you are. You're leading this Garden right now - and you're doing a fine job as far as I can see."

I wanted to scream.

"See, the thing is," I hissed, "I'm not! I just spent my morning being told off for…" I took a deep breath.

Rinoa looked concerned. "They didn't fire you or something?" she asked, worried.

"They can't! Only the Headmaster can dismiss a Commander, and Cid's long gone."

She shrugged. "So what are you worried about?"

I gaped at her. "I'm worried about-" I stopped myself. I wasn't having this discussion.

A look of understanding came over her face. "You're worried that you're not good enough to lead Garden?" she asked incredulously.

I was falling apart. I had to go.

"Squall, that's the most idiotic-" she began. "Squall! Where are you going?" I heard her stamping her foot. "Damn it, Squall, listen to me when I'm talking to you!"

There was the patter of boots on pavement and suddenly Rinoa's voice was trailing me.

"Fine, we'll do it your way," she muttered.

"Squall, do you honestly think Headmaster Cid would have chosen you as Commander if he didn't think you were qualified for the job?"

No, I just think I'd fooled him and everyone else into thinking I'd be able to cope if he dumped Garden in my hands. I pushed through the turnstiles and ignored the grinning receptionist as he nodded at me.

"So maybe you aren't a natural born leader," she persisted. "Maybe you have to work for it. Well I know for a fact that nobody works bloody well harder than you; I couldn't stop you if I tried."

I quickened my pace as we entered the main hallway. The students were not going to see me running, but neither was I going to make a spectacle of myself for much longer. Rinoa fell behind for perhaps a step or two, then quickened her own pace as well.

"And you've learned so much, Squall! You've spent so much time as a leader, you can't tell me you don't know anything about leadership."

"You're not a mindless follower, Squall. You don't sit around and wait for orders, you act. I was your client and you couldn't stop yourself from trying to take over. You were downright mean when you thought I was being stupid. A follower would never question their leader's orders like that."

That was SeeD training! Selphie and Zell were feeling the same way!

"Zell and Selphie never questioned any of your orders, I noticed. I was insanely jealous that you could control other SeeDs like that. If I had even tried to take charge of you and the other SeeD, every one of you would have walked all over me.

I realised I had been walking slower in order to hear her more clearly, so I quickened my pace again. Rinoa sighed.

"Quistis used to be your teacher, right? How come she never took over from you? You've proven to me that if SeeD have a problem with their leadership - boy, do you hear about it. But I don't recall hearing any criticism from Quistis, do you?"

We were attracting quite a few stares now - the Commander of Garden was obviously being harrassed by a pretty young woman. I heard more than a few chuckles as we passed.

"And remember how Irvine was messing around and giving you a hard time when he joined us? Seen any of that lately? He respects you, Squall. Ever since that stupid clock thing in the parade. I was there, remember? I saw him freaking out, and then you talked to him and got him to go ahead with it. I bet you haven't had a problem with him since."

I sighed. She really was making sense. But in the end, it was just another way to keep me doing what I really didn't want to do.

Rinoa had paused when she heard me sigh, but when I didn't speak, she pressed on.

"Look, you've had some really difficult decisions to make, but the important thing is you did make them. And even though it must have really sucked to have to do something like that, if you got into a similar situation later on, you'd still make the decision."

We had reached my dorm. I entered the room and turned to face Rinoa, making sure she couldn't come in. Thankfully, she didn't try.

"You've dealt with everything that comes your way, and though I do think you could use a break, there is no reason why you are not perfectly capable of leading this Garden. You've got the courage to make tough decisions and you've got the respect of the people who will carry out your orders. What more do you need?"

"The wisdom to know which decisions to make."

By the look on her face, I'd surprised her as much as I'd stunned myself with such an honest and heartfelt answer to her question. For a moment, it felt like I was locked in place, staring into Rinoa's eyes with the certainty that she was staring into mine with the same intensity.

"That's the part you work on," she said, smiling triumphantly

In that final twitch of her lips lay the end of her spell. I felt at once as though she had reached through my eyes and stolen some part of me while I'd let my guard down. I hope I concealed my terror.

"Goodbye, Rinoa."

"Nice talking to you, Squall," Rinoa replied. "See you later."

I thrust the door between us. A few heartbeats later, I leaned against it, resting my head on the wooden surface. I stayed there for perhaps half an hour.

I can't say what I was thinking during that time. As I think about it now, I get the impression of a great wind blowing through me - a wind that had been building up outside my battlements until it scattered them like so many feathers. I knew that the wind would die down, and the feathers become stakes once more. When that time came, I would rebuild my fortress… but in the meantime, I stood in the mess and numbly enjoyed the fresh air.

I revived. My stomach grumbled and I went to feed it.

I took special care to avoid dark-haired women. I wanted no more feathers.

Well, due to popular demand, this fic is back again in it's original form - and with a new chapter! Everyone, the most frequent word in my reviews are 'confusing'. That's one of the biggest reasons I HAVE to make a re-work of the story. But in the meantime, story will be found here - just don't expect it to be incredibly polished - I'm NOT satisfied with the way things are at the moment.

The only question I've received about the last chapter that I have to clear up now is:

Stormy.hopes asked about whether Rinoa is/was as old as Ellone in the other world. The answer is no. They are their usual ages - Rinoa is younger than Ellone. I guess I wasn't really thinking about their ages when I thought up that bit. I'm still not sure if Squall would be able to tell the difference. See, he wants so badly to find Sis that when he finds someone who looks like Sis USED to, he convinces himself it IS Ellone. Does that not work?

Oh, and this chapter would be dedicated again to Vick330. You're all getting much better at critical reviews, but he's been doing it the longest - thanks, Vick! And he has so many good stories I don't really think I need to list one… (okay, I'm lazy again and can't remember which ones I've already recommended)

http:www.fanfiction.net/vick330