Disclaimer:
Robert – If you read the first chapter you would know what we own.
Cassie – If you didn't then we own a computer...and that's about it...yep. This
one is long.
Robert and Cassie – Enjoy.
Haru – (everyone goes back stage except a small group of actors) Ladies and
Gentlemen this evening we bring you a stunning example of...
Momiji - ...Magic...
Ritsu – ...and...um...I'M SORRY I FORGOT MY LINE.
Hitori – Merriment, the line is merriment.
Ritsu – I GOT THE LINE WRONG AND NOW THE WHOLE PLAY IS RUINED. LITTLE
TIMMY'S BRAIN WILL GO BAD IN THE FREEZER BECAUSE OF ME.
Hitori – Just say MERRIMENT.
Ritsu – ...(sniffle)... Merriment.
Haru – (sigh) You will witness acts of...
Shiguri – ...Lust...
Uo – ...Murder...
Hana – ...Holy War.
Hitori – Why is Shiguri there? Where is Tohru?
Back stage
Tohru – mmmm (blindfolded and tied up)
On stage
Hitori – Security.
Shiguri – Don't judge me! You don't know me!
Haru – Ha ha...a...yeah...right. And a climax ladies and gentlemen. A climax
never before seen on a public stage. (Kisa nervously strolls out with a
torch) Not now, later.
Kisa – I came out at the wrong time, but Ritsu motioned me out.
Ritsu – I'M SO... (Runs out of the theater screaming)
Hitori – No you are supposed to come out.
Kisa – But Haru just said...
Ritsu – (runs in through the other side of the theater)...SORRY!
Hitori – Just go.
Kisa – Ok (skips off stage)
Haru – Ahem. Going on.
This is the true-life story of the first-born son of Charlemagne, and is
entitled...(ta-da sounds are played on the Piano, a sign that says Pippin is
rolled in front of the actors and the actors put their hands up and wiggle
their fingers in a lack-luster manner)...(Haru turns around) SPIRIT FINGERS
DAMMIT! THESE ARE NOT SPIRIT FINGERS. (Haru wiggles his fingers in a lack-
luster manner) THESE ARE SPIRIT FINGERS, (Haru wiggles his fingers with
feeling) AND THESE ARE GOLD. (The fingers start wiggling with feeling, and
Haru turns back to the audience)...There have been many misconceptions about
Pippin one that he was...
Kisa – (from behind the sign) ...a hunchback.
Haru – Or that he was...
Uo – (from behind the sign) ...enormously tall.
Haru – Or that he was...
Okami – ...... I'M SO...(pulled of stage by random cast member)
Tohru – Completely bald by the age of thirteen.
Haru – But leave all previous misconceptions aside, and watch what we
reenact for you tonight.
Hitori – It's a matinee we change the line to today, didn't he get the
memo. Please don't let the audience say anything.
Audience member #94343548855– Something's wrong here but I'm not going
against that skitso. I'll just sit here and pretended this never happened
for Timmy's sake.
Haru – The life of Pippin begins. (clap and points to sign)
Kagura – (the top half of Kagura pops up from behind the sign) AHHHHH! DAMN
YOU CHARLEGMEN, YOU DID THIS TO ME.
Haru – Pippin as a child showed a tremendous thirst for knowledge. (points
to sign)
Hiro – (pops out from behind the sign holding a book) Hmm so that's the
difference between murder in the 1st degree and murder in the 2nd degree.
Haru – Merced in these pursuits the years went by quickly. (points to sign)
Yuki – (pops up from behind the sign. He opens his mouth to speak and is
dropped back down) Damn it Kyo!
Kyo – he he.
Haru – Pippin was sent to the university Padua...
Ayame – Where the faculty of the university gave him the honor of scholar
of the house, which is nickels and dimes compared to the honor of getting a
dress from...(Hitori shots Ayame a dirty look, and Ayame leaves. The extra
actors form a semi circle and Yuki moves to the center, in a tunic made of
flashy sequence, and baby blue baggy pants obviously made by Ayame.)
Haru – Don't worry he's a little nervous.
Yuki – I'd like a little more lights please. (Haru backs off; claps and a
spotlight goes on Yuki) Ladies and gentlemen, gentle tutors, and faculty of
the University I would like to resign as your class president, electronics
president, chess president...
Hitori – What is he doing?
Shiguri – (sneaks up from the ground next to Hitori, and Hitori screams) He
told me he had trouble learning the beginning of his speech so I told him
just pretend that he is resigning from everything he does in his school. I
could so be assistant director.
Yuki – ...and I'm also sad to say that I can no longer lead the marching
band, the Atheist club, the Christian faith club...
Hitori – No you couldn't. You did a really bad thing and now we definitely
won't finish on time.
Shiguri – Your right that was a bad idea but I admitted to my mistake which
is a great quality to have in a director.
Hitori – Why would you want to direct anyway.
(Shiguri has a thought bubble appears above his head)
In the Thought Bubble
Sexy Girl – You know I'm an actress.
Shiguri – Well with the right "persuasion" you might get an important part
in my play. If you know what I mean.
Sexy Girl – Yes. You mean sex right. (Shiguri nods yes) Hurray, I'm good at
that.
In Real Life
Shiguri – No reason.
Hitori – You do know that your thought bubble was visible to the naked eye.
Shiguri – He...uh
Hitori – Security!
Shiguri – (being dragged away) A man can dream can't he?
Hitori – (sigh) No.
Yuki – ...the gardening club, the Price club, the breakfast club, the pretty
in pink association the unconformity club and finally the happy squirrel
club. (Everyone in the theater is sleeping) I know I'm better then all of
you. (Hitori throws a rock at Uo's head, Uo wakes up and hits Kyo in one of
those spurts of energy that people have when they um...ah...you know that
thing)
Kyo – What was that for?
Uo – Shut up. Who hit me is what's important.
Hitori – Say your line.
Uo – Enormously tall
Hitori – The other one.
Uo – Um...Murder.
Hitori – Terrific.
Uo – Gee thanks.
Hitori – Oh forget it.
Yuki – I know there is something.
Haru – (coming out of a daze) Something fulfilling, completely fulfilling.
Yuki – No, wait a minute, yes, completely fulfilling. (Music starts to
play) Everything has its season, everything has its time. Show me a reason
and I'll soon show you a rhyme. Cats fit in the frying pan.
Kyo – Hey!
Yuki – Children fit in the snow. Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I
go?
Akito – (from the audience) Actually Kyo's the one who doesn't fit in
you're allowed to come by the main house anytime you want but bring a gift
damn it. (Kyo does an anime fall)
Yuki – Rivers belong where they can ramble. Eagles belong where they can
fly. I've got to be where my spirit can run free, got to find my corner of
the sky.
Random audience member #QS-98 – Wait, why would you want a corner of the
sky?
Random audience member #QS-97 – A lot of people like corners but I like
sides and middle pieces, less crust.
Yuki – Everyman has his daydreams. (One of the violinists hits a sour note
causing everyone who was once asleep to awaken...awaken my minions of the
night...or daytime...since this a matinee I will call them my minions of the
afternoon.) Everyman has his goals. People like the way dreams have of
sticking to the soul. (Hitori sneaks up behind the violinist who is playing
badly and nails him in the head with a giant caterpillar only to relies the
now unconscious violinist was Shiguri) Thunderclouds have their lightening,
nightingales have their song.
Michael Jackson as a child – And don't you see I want my life to be
something more then long. (Everyone except Yuki is dumbfounded)
Yuki – Rivers belong where they can ramble. Eagles belong where they can
fly. I've got to be where my spirit can run free. Got to find my corner of
the sky. So many men seem destine to settle for something small. But I
won't rest until I know I have it all. So don't ask where I'm going, just
listen when I'm gone.
The Jackson five in harmony – Far away you'll here me singing...
Michael Jackson – ...Softly to the dawn.
Yuki – rivers belong where they can ramble. (Shiguri regains consciousness)
Eagles belong where they can fly.
Violin – Squeak!
Hitori – Security!
Shiguri – The best laid plains of mice and men...um...ah...of mice and men.
Yuki – I've got to be where my spirit can run free. Got to find my corner
of the sky. (All the extras move towards Yuki and pat him on the shoulder.
When kyo gets up to Yuki he hits him in the head. Instinctively Yuki
punches Kyo in the face. Hitori throws a small rock at Yuki as to get his
attention. Shippo turns into the big pink ball type thing and starts to
nibble on Hitori's head. All the extras leave and Hitori throws Shippo into
orbit.)
On the first day of my arrival may father sent me a horse, on the second
day he sent me a falcon, on the third day I went hunting, and on the fourth
day he came himself.
Haru – Enter Charlemagne. (There is a "poof" of smoke that clears
revealing Ayame in his "regular clothes" with the addition of a big purple
cape and a crown.)
Ayame – I have very large, grand, humongous, hippopotamus, hung, cackling,
gargantuan, practical joke sized, cute, funny, shape shifting, super
strong, slow and delicate, smile. (Ayame pauses for dramatic effect, and
smiles.)
Random audience member #79 – I thought he was going to say penis.
Random audience member #78 – Really I thought he would say iguana. (Every
one looks at Random audience member #78) What, I thought iguana would fit
there.
Haru – Right...okay. A giant on the battlefield and in the sac...and by sac I
mean bed...and by bed I mean he great sheets...and by he has great sheets I
mean he's fun to have at parties...and that's it. (Walks off stage mumbling
something about iguanas)
Ayame – Why thank you Haru. You always know how to make people feel good
about themselves.
Hitori – Why does he have to embellish. Ayame don't call him Haru, and all
of you stop improvising you have been reading the scripts and practicing
right.
Cast – (the cast says in unison even from backstage) Um...
Hitori – Why did I even ask? (Shiguri pops up next to Hitori again)
Shiguri – I read the script and I know...
Hitori – You know the script because you made a new version of the script.
Shiguri – How would you know that?
Hitori – (Looks out of the directors box and everyone from the audience to
the actors are watching them.) What are you watching? On with the play.
(Whispers) Look what you did. Security!
Shiguri – Was never there a tale of more woe then that of Shiguri's
ambition to get laid by an actress.
Ayame – So...Yuki.
Yuki – (whispers) Call me Pippin.
Ayame – (whispers) Only if you call me José.
Yuki – (whispers) But you're Charlemagne.
Ayame – So Yuki...you like thinner.
Yuki –(sigh) I am.
Ayame – Why what big feet you have Yuki.
Yuki – Uh...thank you.
Ayame – I like your tunic it's quite dashing.
Yuki – (Thinks) He's just trying to plug his store. (says) Thanks.
Ayame – I bet you got that at small shop run by a beautiful man named
Ayame.
Yuki – No.
Ayame – (Whispers) Work with me here.
Yuki – (Whispers) I will if you call me Pippin.
Ayame – (Whispers) Okay. I changed my mind I want you to call me Enrico
Fernandez Mendez Lopez.
Hitori – Quick, Haru, skip their lines and introduce the next character.
Haru – Enter Louis!
Cliff notes:
Robert – If you've seen the Invader Zim episode where Gir says, yes...wait a
minute, no, then you know where that's from, if not then that's where it's
from.
Cassie – About the minions well they aren't really our minions. Our minions
have fangs, claws, wings, tails, and the ability to make anything into
gourmet sausage.
Robert – Before he became an old white women with no nose, Michael Jackson
was in the Jackson five who re-did the song that Yuki sings, so would you
leave him out. WOULD YOU? I thought so.
Robert and Cassie – Watch what happens when Kyo comes out, as Yuki's
younger, but "stronger" half brother. Will there be a fight? (Robert looks
at Cassie and Cassie looks at Robert and they both brake out in laughter)
Robert – Will there be fight?
Cassie – It's like asking if fish will swim.
Robert – Or if birds will fly.
Cassie – Or if unicorns will take over the Earth.
Robert – yeah.