Part Thirty One
As Karen returned from the bar with two large glasses of whisky, Yvonne felt a sudden sense of Deja Vu. But for the pub itself and the clothes she was wearing, this could have been that occasion almost a year ago when Karen had taken her for a drink after visiting ritchie.
"Do you get the feeling we've been here before?" She said to Karen, as a way of breaking the ice.
"Yes," Replied Karen, remembering the brief thoughts she'd had about Yvonne on that day. Karen lit them both a cigarette, in another unconscious gesture of repetition from that day that might have been their beginning. Yvonne took an enormous slug of her drink, as if to give her courage.
"I didn't expect to feel like this," Yvonne began.
"To feel like what?" Asked Karen, knowing the answer but also knowing that Yvonne needed to say it, to make it real. Yvonne gave her an exasperated look. "Tell me," Said Karen gently. "Being honest with each other is the only way we can deal with this."
"You make me feel things I've never even felt with a bloke. It's like you can see everything there is, that I don't have to hide anything from you, and that's scary."
"Why?"
"Because when you're that open with someone, you give them endless opportunities to hurt you." Karen wondered at the significance of Yvonne's slipping unknowingly in to the second person, and knew it was her way of avoiding talking about herself.
"What happened yesterday was what did it for you, wasn't it?" Asked Karen.
"Yeah. I felt like you were looking right in to my soul, and it didn't bother me. I didn't care that you could see everything there is to see. If it makes any sense, I felt complete."
"I know," Said Karen, "That's how it felt for me too."
"Was yesterday the first time you felt it?" Asked Yvonne. Karen's gaze turned slightly sheepish.
"No," She said, "Not quite."
"Do tell?" Prompted Yvonne, definitely intrigued despite her better judgment. Remembering the face she'd seen in her bath the other night, Karen couldn't help but blush. Yvonne laughed.
"This I have to hear," She said, thoroughly enjoying Karen's discomfort.
"No way," Said Karen, "You'd have to know me a lot better than this to hear something like that."
"I'll keep it in mind," Replied Yvonne, finding their flirting far more comfortable than straightforward analysis.
"You remember when we went to the pub after visiting Ritchie last year? It just struck me at the time how attractive you are." At Yvonne's look of disbelief, Karen held up a hand to forestall any interruption. "You made me laugh," She continued, "It'd been far too long since anyone had made me laugh." Yvonne didn't know what to say. "This wasn't supposed to happen," Went on Karen. "I thought they were just feelings I had to hide and one day get over."
"Why?"
"Because you're too good a friend for me to want to jeopardise that. You don't know it, but having someone to do normal things with like have dinner and drink too much has been the one thing to keep me from going under this last year. Until now, you've been the least likely person I know to even contemplate anything with a woman, and no way was I going to threaten our friendship by frightening you off."
"So why now?" Asked Yvonne gently.
"I wouldn't have said a word if I hadn't thought you felt something similar."
"How is it," Said Yvonne, "that one look can be the most erotic thing I've felt in years?" Karen laughed, again remembering her bathtime activity of Wednesday night.
"I'm serious," Said Yvonne, but also smiling. "I think that's what threw me. It was like every nerve I have was on fire. But that in itself was wrong. Like you said, I'm as straight as you get. Or at least I'm supposed to be. Getting turned on just by looking at another woman just isn't me, it's not who I am." Yvonne gestured at the barmaid for a refill and then continued. "Have you ever felt like this before, about anyone else?" Karen took a long drag of her cigarette before answering.
"Once or twice," She conceded.
"Ever do anything about it?"
"No. It was never the right time. Why are you so scared of considering something new?" Yvonne handed a fiver to the blonde who brought their drinks over.
"Men," She said, "In spite of all their egocentric levels of cruelty, irritation and patheticness combined, are ultimately safe because I at least know how not to get hurt by them, even if I don't always put that part in to practice."
"And with women you don't?" Asked Karen.
"I'm not even sure it goes that far," Replied Yvonne. "I have no idea if I could find other women sexually atrractive. I spent most of last night thinking about this. At first I wondered if it was sexual frustration. But it isn't. What I feel seems to come as a package. There isn't much you don't know about me," her thoughts strayed to Renee Williams and the nut-filled salt cellar. "But that hasn't stopped us from gradually getting closer, especially since I got out. You don't know how much it means that you've not let any of that get in the way."
"That's maybe because I don't have any reason to feel threatened by you," Replied Karen softly. "I think, with you, I could learn to trust again."
"Don't you see," Said Yvonne in total anguish. "That's exactly why this just shouldn't happen. I'm not someone you should put that kind of trust in, because I can't sit here and tell you that everything will be okay. I have no idea how I might feel about all this in two days, two weeks, two months. I can't promise you that I won't run from feelings that are scaring me even more than Charlie's threats used too." Then, on realising that she'd unwittingly strayed in to the hitherto unmentioned and definitely unchartered territory of her marriage, she strove to change the focus of the conversation. But Karen hadn't missed this little insight in to a part of Yvonne's life she clearly didn't know much about.
"But what I do know," Said Karen, "Is that you would never intentionally hurt me, and I've never been sure of that with anyone before."
"You don't deserve to be hurt again if I realise I can only go so far with this."
"Neither do you."
"Let's face it," Said Yvonne, getting more miserable by the second, "I'm the one most likely to get cold feet."
"And why do you think I've only ever looked from the sidelines on the one or two occasions I've felt anything vaguely like this?" Asked Karen. Yvonne didn't answer, and karen could see the slight glisten of tears in her eyes. She put out a tentative hand and gently entwined her fingers with Yvonne's. "This is totally new to both of us. We're both taking an enormous risk, and we might make a complete shambles of it. But I think it's a risk worth taking."
"I know," Said Yvonne, the tears beginning to slide unheeded down her face. "I just don't want to give you another reason to avoid all human contact like you have done since Ritchie and Fenner." These words hit Karen like a gunshot. Yvonne was really afraid of hurting her as badly as two of the most evil men she'd ever known had done in the past. Karen moved round the table and sat on the plush-covered bench seat next to Yvonne. As Karen turned Yvonne to face her and gently put her arms round her, Yvonne simply said,
"I'm sorry."
"Just listen to me," Karen said, her cheek pressed to Yvonne's, her own tears threatening to spill. "You will never break me anything like either Ritchie or Fenner did, not ever. Do you really think I'd be sitting here, talking like this if I thought you would? Don't let me ever hear you put yourself in to the same category as either Ritchie or Fenner again." They sat for a while, simply holding each other. Yvonne didn't think she'd ever felt so safe, so cherrished as she did in Karen's arms. It felt almost like coming home, like she'd been destined for all of her life to one day arrive here. Her tears had dried by the time she next spoke.
"We'll have to take this one step at a time," She said, her lips not far from Karen's ear. Karen leaned back slightly to look at her.
"At least we'll both be novices for a change," She said with a smile. Yvonne laughed.
"Yeah, first time for everything." As they made their way out a short while later, the barmaid gazed whistfully after them. She'd seen many couples come and go from her little watering hole, but these two were by far the most interesting she'd ever seen.
As Karen returned from the bar with two large glasses of whisky, Yvonne felt a sudden sense of Deja Vu. But for the pub itself and the clothes she was wearing, this could have been that occasion almost a year ago when Karen had taken her for a drink after visiting ritchie.
"Do you get the feeling we've been here before?" She said to Karen, as a way of breaking the ice.
"Yes," Replied Karen, remembering the brief thoughts she'd had about Yvonne on that day. Karen lit them both a cigarette, in another unconscious gesture of repetition from that day that might have been their beginning. Yvonne took an enormous slug of her drink, as if to give her courage.
"I didn't expect to feel like this," Yvonne began.
"To feel like what?" Asked Karen, knowing the answer but also knowing that Yvonne needed to say it, to make it real. Yvonne gave her an exasperated look. "Tell me," Said Karen gently. "Being honest with each other is the only way we can deal with this."
"You make me feel things I've never even felt with a bloke. It's like you can see everything there is, that I don't have to hide anything from you, and that's scary."
"Why?"
"Because when you're that open with someone, you give them endless opportunities to hurt you." Karen wondered at the significance of Yvonne's slipping unknowingly in to the second person, and knew it was her way of avoiding talking about herself.
"What happened yesterday was what did it for you, wasn't it?" Asked Karen.
"Yeah. I felt like you were looking right in to my soul, and it didn't bother me. I didn't care that you could see everything there is to see. If it makes any sense, I felt complete."
"I know," Said Karen, "That's how it felt for me too."
"Was yesterday the first time you felt it?" Asked Yvonne. Karen's gaze turned slightly sheepish.
"No," She said, "Not quite."
"Do tell?" Prompted Yvonne, definitely intrigued despite her better judgment. Remembering the face she'd seen in her bath the other night, Karen couldn't help but blush. Yvonne laughed.
"This I have to hear," She said, thoroughly enjoying Karen's discomfort.
"No way," Said Karen, "You'd have to know me a lot better than this to hear something like that."
"I'll keep it in mind," Replied Yvonne, finding their flirting far more comfortable than straightforward analysis.
"You remember when we went to the pub after visiting Ritchie last year? It just struck me at the time how attractive you are." At Yvonne's look of disbelief, Karen held up a hand to forestall any interruption. "You made me laugh," She continued, "It'd been far too long since anyone had made me laugh." Yvonne didn't know what to say. "This wasn't supposed to happen," Went on Karen. "I thought they were just feelings I had to hide and one day get over."
"Why?"
"Because you're too good a friend for me to want to jeopardise that. You don't know it, but having someone to do normal things with like have dinner and drink too much has been the one thing to keep me from going under this last year. Until now, you've been the least likely person I know to even contemplate anything with a woman, and no way was I going to threaten our friendship by frightening you off."
"So why now?" Asked Yvonne gently.
"I wouldn't have said a word if I hadn't thought you felt something similar."
"How is it," Said Yvonne, "that one look can be the most erotic thing I've felt in years?" Karen laughed, again remembering her bathtime activity of Wednesday night.
"I'm serious," Said Yvonne, but also smiling. "I think that's what threw me. It was like every nerve I have was on fire. But that in itself was wrong. Like you said, I'm as straight as you get. Or at least I'm supposed to be. Getting turned on just by looking at another woman just isn't me, it's not who I am." Yvonne gestured at the barmaid for a refill and then continued. "Have you ever felt like this before, about anyone else?" Karen took a long drag of her cigarette before answering.
"Once or twice," She conceded.
"Ever do anything about it?"
"No. It was never the right time. Why are you so scared of considering something new?" Yvonne handed a fiver to the blonde who brought their drinks over.
"Men," She said, "In spite of all their egocentric levels of cruelty, irritation and patheticness combined, are ultimately safe because I at least know how not to get hurt by them, even if I don't always put that part in to practice."
"And with women you don't?" Asked Karen.
"I'm not even sure it goes that far," Replied Yvonne. "I have no idea if I could find other women sexually atrractive. I spent most of last night thinking about this. At first I wondered if it was sexual frustration. But it isn't. What I feel seems to come as a package. There isn't much you don't know about me," her thoughts strayed to Renee Williams and the nut-filled salt cellar. "But that hasn't stopped us from gradually getting closer, especially since I got out. You don't know how much it means that you've not let any of that get in the way."
"That's maybe because I don't have any reason to feel threatened by you," Replied Karen softly. "I think, with you, I could learn to trust again."
"Don't you see," Said Yvonne in total anguish. "That's exactly why this just shouldn't happen. I'm not someone you should put that kind of trust in, because I can't sit here and tell you that everything will be okay. I have no idea how I might feel about all this in two days, two weeks, two months. I can't promise you that I won't run from feelings that are scaring me even more than Charlie's threats used too." Then, on realising that she'd unwittingly strayed in to the hitherto unmentioned and definitely unchartered territory of her marriage, she strove to change the focus of the conversation. But Karen hadn't missed this little insight in to a part of Yvonne's life she clearly didn't know much about.
"But what I do know," Said Karen, "Is that you would never intentionally hurt me, and I've never been sure of that with anyone before."
"You don't deserve to be hurt again if I realise I can only go so far with this."
"Neither do you."
"Let's face it," Said Yvonne, getting more miserable by the second, "I'm the one most likely to get cold feet."
"And why do you think I've only ever looked from the sidelines on the one or two occasions I've felt anything vaguely like this?" Asked Karen. Yvonne didn't answer, and karen could see the slight glisten of tears in her eyes. She put out a tentative hand and gently entwined her fingers with Yvonne's. "This is totally new to both of us. We're both taking an enormous risk, and we might make a complete shambles of it. But I think it's a risk worth taking."
"I know," Said Yvonne, the tears beginning to slide unheeded down her face. "I just don't want to give you another reason to avoid all human contact like you have done since Ritchie and Fenner." These words hit Karen like a gunshot. Yvonne was really afraid of hurting her as badly as two of the most evil men she'd ever known had done in the past. Karen moved round the table and sat on the plush-covered bench seat next to Yvonne. As Karen turned Yvonne to face her and gently put her arms round her, Yvonne simply said,
"I'm sorry."
"Just listen to me," Karen said, her cheek pressed to Yvonne's, her own tears threatening to spill. "You will never break me anything like either Ritchie or Fenner did, not ever. Do you really think I'd be sitting here, talking like this if I thought you would? Don't let me ever hear you put yourself in to the same category as either Ritchie or Fenner again." They sat for a while, simply holding each other. Yvonne didn't think she'd ever felt so safe, so cherrished as she did in Karen's arms. It felt almost like coming home, like she'd been destined for all of her life to one day arrive here. Her tears had dried by the time she next spoke.
"We'll have to take this one step at a time," She said, her lips not far from Karen's ear. Karen leaned back slightly to look at her.
"At least we'll both be novices for a change," She said with a smile. Yvonne laughed.
"Yeah, first time for everything." As they made their way out a short while later, the barmaid gazed whistfully after them. She'd seen many couples come and go from her little watering hole, but these two were by far the most interesting she'd ever seen.