When I woke up the next morning I was not able to open my eyes at first. I had curiously detailed memories of the previous evening, and I could clearly remember who I was and why I felt sick. The only thing I didn't know was, where I was at the moment, and I was not sure if I was too keen to find out. I didn't dare move even an inch, afraid that the hallucinations might return... and the pain. So I waited and listened. I do not think I had ever before so longed to hear Severus's voice so much, as he seemed to be the only one left to trust.
But nobody came.
I therefore decided to open my eyes just an inch - a decision I regretted almost instantly. Could anything be worse than waking up in the presence of the devil or his spawn on earth, also known as the Dark Lord? I sighed, watching the enormous, all too familiar Slytherin banner that stretched over the small room's entire ceiling. I was in Severus's private apartment at Hogwarts, lying in his bed.
I considered this situation for a while. Was this any better than being eaten by snakes or slaughtered by a group of fanatical Death Eaters? I heard a door slam and decided that it was not. At this moment Severus entered the room. To see me in good physical shape and awake again seemed to be a great relief for him, as he set up his usual smirk at once and moved towards his desk that was standing near the entrance, fiddling with some parchments and a book.
"First problem solved," he muttered, producing several batches of parchment at once. "The next question being how we are going to get you to the hospital-wing, of course. Unseen." I didn't reply, but closed my eyes again in protest. He did not notice.
"Come on, Florence," he said irritably, apparently without even looking up. "Move! We haven't got all day."
I refused.
It was only now Severus realised that I had closed my eyes again. He was confused and approached his four-poster at a snail's pace.
"Florence," he whispered, "breakfast."
"Very funny," I growled, opening one eye very slowly. "I'm not leaving until I hear a damn good explanation for what happened last night."
He sighed. "I feared you wouldn't understand. But now it is too late, remember? You are one of us, once and for all." He lifted his left sleeve carefully, exposing the Dark Mark, which looked nearly as threatening in the semidarkness of the room as it had the night before at the Malfoy manor. I thoughtfully examined my own forearm and smiled weakly. "Not bad," I murmured. "A secret symbol of power."
"It is a sign," said Severus. "We use it to distinguish each other. Only the Death Eaters know it is there and we need to hide it carefully, Florence, in order to keep the secret." I nodded merely and tried to sit up without putting any weight on my arm.
"What time is it?"
"Lunchtime," said Severus casually.
A gasp of terror emerged my lungs before I could help it. "What? I've missed two subjects already?" Severus gave me an idle nod.
"We'll make that twenty points from Gryffindor and three hours detention, shall we?" He grinned.
"It's Saturday," I snorted, not without relief. "Sadist!"
"How do you know?" he replied earnestly. I grinned. It hurt.
"Don't make me laugh! I've got a headache. And my arm hurts, too."
Severus bent forward to examine the Dark Mark that was glowing menacingly on my forearm, seeming to burn even further into the flesh as we were talking.
"It will be well again soon," he said. "And it'll turn black eventually, just like mine."
"Show it to me," I demanded. "I want to have another look."
He stuck out his arm and I seized it.
"It is his way of summoning us," Severus explained. "To the meetings, that is. I can always give you a lift, of course. And you won't be able to leave Hogwarts unseen without my help anyway, given that one cannot disapparate here. He knows that, of course, which is why he gives us enough time for the broom ride." He made a short pause. "But you cannot apparate anyway, can you? Have you even had an attempt on the license?"
I shook my head without speaking. My eyes were still fixed on his Dark Mark, until he covered it with his black sleeve again.
"We need to hurry," he stated now. "If you are not in the hospital wing by the end of lunch, Dumbledore will want an explanation."
"What are we waiting for then?" I said eagerly, jumping out of bed without thinking. "Let's go."
"You might want to get dressed first," Severus advised, his lips curling. "In case we meet someone in the corridors."
I blushed and grabbed my clothes. "Do you know what's most confusing for me?" I suddenly said, wrapping my robes around me, layer by layer. "About the Dark Lord, I mean?"
Severus shook his head.
"I'll do it again," I said firmly. "I want to come again! It is not only the Dark Mark that binds us - there's something else."
Severus's expression changed into a rare smile and he nodded eagerly. "You will be very valuable for us. I suppose Lucius is as delighted as I am that you finally joined."
I wanted to tell him that I cared Jack shit about Lucius Malfoy's opinion, but he looked so happy that I changed my mind. Instead we made our way out of the dungeons and towards the hospital wing.
Madame Pomfrey was already waiting, looking extremely sour and disapproving.
"Well, you haven't been exaggerating, Professor Snape," she said. "She looks terrible! How can you possibly have done that to yourself in a single night, young lady?"
"It is nothing," I defended myself hastily. "It's only my... period." The nurse raised an eyebrow and disapprovingly shook her head. She then showed me to one of the beds and made me lie down.
"I know this kind of disease," she said coldly. "It is called 'exhaustion' and is caused by excessive sexual intercourse involving certain potions of one particular category." At these words she was giving Severus an especially nasty look and motioned him to leave the room.
"Any... part of your body that hurts?" she required matter-of-factly, feeling my forehead, several parts of my throat and my shoulders. "Or are you just... exhausted?"
I hurried to reassure her that there was nothing wrong with me.
"Well then," she said, pulling up my left sleeve with an unexpected jolt, "we'll..."
I gasped, decades too late, and grabbed by forearm. But it was gone. The arm was white, Madame Pomfrey, on the other hand, was displeased.
"Don't make such a fuss," she snapped. "I won't be taking your arm off. Just checking."
"Sorry," I muttered, at a loss what better to say.
"Drink this," she snapped, showing towards me a small bottle containing a suspiciously blue liquid. "It will help you unwind."
For the next few hours she made me swallow disgusting liquids that caused me to sleep deeply and without any nightmares.
Around lunchtime my friends Jenny and Chris came for a visit. Chris actually looked a bit worried and make it pretty clear that the whole of Gryffindor was informed by now that I had not spent the night in my own dormitory. The two girls talked incessantly about ruthlessness and a lack of responsibility, until I finally told them I was tired and that they'd have to leave. When they had gone I decided that it was time to be well again and left the hospital wing, not without acquiring Madame Pomfrey's hesitant consent, of course. On my way to the Gryffindor common room I came across a few giggling first years, who aroused my attention for no specific reason. Then, however, I met the last person I had expected to run into...
"Florence! What a pleasant surprise."
I was standing in front of James Potter, a former student, who was about two years older than me and had been good and trusted friend for the most time of my school life. A Gryffindor, of course. Severus's archenemy.
"Hello, James," I said smilingly. "What are you doing here at Hogwarts?"
"Oh - business, honey, business," he replied in a casual voice. "Ministry of Magic stuff - top secret, of course, as usual!"
"As usual," I repeated and laughed. "Is Lily with you?"
James shook his head, giving me a look of mischievous secrecy. "Guess why. Here's a hint: She's in hospital right now..." I raised my head in surprise.
"What's wrong with her?"
"Oh - nothing," James grinned, exposing a row of flawlessly white teeth. "It's a mere precaution - a medical check-up in a way."
I began to see light at last. "You haven't really carried it out!"
"Certainly," James grinned. "Though, more specifically, we haven't carried it out just yet, and I am not exactly involved in the actual process. Not that I mind..."
"You have always been fanatically in love with children," I laughed. "I'll keep my fingers crossed then. When's it due?"
"Oh, not until the end of July - early August, perhaps."
"Will it be a boy or a girl?" I pressed on curiously. James shrugged.
"We'll see," he said. "It's going to be a surprise."
I pinched his forearm in a playful manner, which made him provide me with yet another mischievous grin. "Come on - I can't imagine you haven't at least had a quick look when Lily was asleep." He laughed.
"Well, she's not any better. Okay - to be honest, we've both broken our word not to look. And we are both too scared to confess it to each other. Meaning we don't have a name for the little chap yet."
"A boy," I said avidly, "I am so jealous."
"Well, we'll see who is going to be jealous after two months of nappy-changing, staying awake all night and a couple of baby's diseases," James remarked, trying to look pitiable. I giggled and we turned around a corner into a busier corridor, meeting a couple of younger students who gave us indifferently polite looks.
When I rose my head I saw Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall coming from the opposite end of the corridor, apparently involved in a vivid discussion. They spotted James after only a few seconds and approached us quickly.
"James! Thank goodness you're here," said Professor McGonagall, unable, it seemed, to keep herself under control.
"Did you know about the Bones?" Dumbledore asked while seeming almost as upset as Professor McGonagall, quite uncharacteristically. "Did you know there has been an attack on them? Weeks ago?"
"Merlin, no!" James said, looking alarmed. "Another one?"
"We must -" McGonagall started, but Dumbledore interrupted her quickly and nodded in my direction. "Let's return to your office," he said quickly. "James, if you would like to come with us..."
"Of course," said James. "Excuse me, Florence... I'll see you at the dinner table, I suppose?" I nodded and a few second later the small group had vanished so that I was standing alone in the vast corridor. I spent the remaining time until dinner catching up on my school work and making up with Jenny and Chris who still seemed to be a bit offended about what I had said in the hospital wing.
Before entering the Great Hall for lunch I went quickly down to the dungeons to look for Severus whom I had not seen at any point of the day. The only one I met, however, was Filch, who threatened with his usual detention if I intended to keep him from sweeping the corridors. I therefore headed back towards the Great Hall a little sooner than planned. A couple of students were already here, chatting cheerfully to each other or finishing this afternoon's lessons' homework in a hurry. I caught sight of one of Severus's former companions, Duncan Baddock, whose parents, I remembered, had also been at the Death Eater meeting. He was talking to a group of Slytherins whom I knew all very well, since I had spent lots of time in their commonroom at Severus's and my time as a couple.
"Hullo Florence," I was welcomed. "Sit down, will ya?" I knew how unusual their friendly attitude towards me as a Gryffindor seemed to the other students, but I had been thinking for years how much happier I could have been if the Sorting Hat had placed me in Slytherin, not least, because I had to a great extend taken the position of the Gryffindor outsider over the years.
I sat down casually opposite Sarah Brown and the twins Bob and Tracy Pritchard, who were watching me with some interest. Very Slytherin-like, namely without exchanging a lot of useless gossip before coming straight to the point, I learned what was nagging them only seconds later.
"They say it's being hot down in the dungeons again," Duncan remarked dryly. "What about it, eh?" I gave him a blank stare. A few seconds went by until I understood and gasped. The Slytherins grinned and put on meaningful expressions. I realised that this would need some high-quality explanation and did some very quick thinking.
"Sadly not," I finally said. "I have come to the conclusion that Severus knows exactly how to keep his work and his private life separate. I made this discovery when I was scrubbing the staircase until midnight the other day, because of a simple accident in Potions."
"You've been scrubbing for four hours?" Sarah said disbelievingly. "Now, that's what I call sadism. Even Severus is not usually that heartless. Though - come to think of it..."
The others laughed. I smiled weakly, in an effort to look pitiable.
"How true. Anyway, the reason why I ended up in the hospital wing was a mere circulatory disorder. Jenny and Chris have been making up their own versions of the story. Well, you know what they're like, of course."
This seemed to satisfy even Sarah.
"Your accident in Potions, though...," said Duncan after a short while. "Is it true you've blown up another cauldron?"
I grunted and denied her the satisfaction of an answer. Everyone knew about my extraordinary talent concerning Potions, which required a certain amount of precision, such as the preparation of ingredients, for example. I was well aware of that.
"That is probably the reason why I was sorted into Gryffindor, not Slytherin," I said. "Cause I'm rubbish with Potions." And indeed Potions was traditionally a subject, where the most careful and ambitious students, Slytherins namely, and sometimes Hufflepuffs, got their top marks.
"Are you going to eat with us?" Duncan asked, but I shook my head.
"We've been through this - fifth grade... Professor Bastard, remember?"
Professor Bastard, our former Charms teacher, was actually called Professor Bernhard Mustard. He had retired the previous year, so that Professor Flitwick had taken his job, which meant that the Defence post had been vacant when Severus had applied. Dumbledore, however, had obviously thought Potions might be better for Severus and placed him there, for reasons that totally escaped me.
It had been in one of Professor Mustard's lessons that Severus and I had attempted to sit together at one table for the first and last time, learning that some teachers showed even less acceptance for our unusual friendship than our fellow students.
"Lions with lions," I mimicked the old man to dig up reminiscences, pointing a fork at Sarah's chest pretending it was the late Professor's wand, "and snakes with snakes. All this house confusion is giving me such a headache." Duncan and the others laughed heartily.
"McGonagall is teaching the exact opposite, isn't she?" Sarah remarked.
In the meantime the Great Hall slowly filled with students and I decided that my already bad reputation might profit from me switching over to the Gryffindor table now, where only one student was sitting just yet.
Very soon, however, James Potter appeared as promised walked straight towards me, sitting down at the Gryffindor table in a handsomely casual way.
"All right?" I said. "Were you able to help the headmaster and his deputy?" James sighed.
"It is so terrible. You'll probably read it in the newspapers tomorrow - Edgar and Mary-Ann Bones have been murdered. Dark magic, naturally!"
I tried to look shocked. "Oh - the chairwoman of the Community of Magic Special Cases? And... and her husband?"
"Exactly," said James. "They have been working for the ministry - undercover. Secret Aurors they were, in a way. Two of the Dark Lord's most dangerous enemies... it's such a great loss... What do you think their death means for our resistance movement? And hardly anyone got wind of it - not even Dumbledore, though he is usually the first one to know about those things. I nodded slowly, cautiously. If James knew I had watched the deed...
"So - who's going to do their job now?" I asked, but as expected, James refused to share the secret.
"I cannot tell anyone," he replied. "Not even someone as trustworthy as you."
"What are you going to do next, then?" I questioned him further and his face lit.
"Fetching Lily from the hospital, of course."
I gave him an acknowledging smile.
"Do you know whom she's sharing her room with?" James suddenly asked. "It's someone you know, I think. She's having a child as well.'
I thought about it for a while. However, the only family in question I could think of right now were former Slytherins and therefore not likely to be sharing a hospital floor with Lily Evans - no, Potter, of course - let alone the same room. So I shrugged and gave James a politely curious look.
"Molly Weasley is having her sixth boy," James informed me. "They are going to call him Ron."
"The Weasleys, of course!" I exclaimed. "How are they?"
"I think they're all well," said James. "If she's lucky, Molly will have her baby the same day she was born. Though, of course, at the moment she's not too happy not to be able to be with her family. The baby's due any day now," he added.
"Curious," I muttered. "Why hasn't anyone thought of a way of using magic to give birth to a child? It'd be so much easier."
James nodded. "Well, it has been attempted for thousands of years. But do you want to know the results of those experiments? You've got to check out a book called 'Fabulous Creatures And Their Origins'... Horrible beings - some of them at least."
We had been talking about babies, Molly Weasley, Lily and lots of other things when I realised that almost everyone else had left the Great Hall. I hadn't even noticed that Severus's place at the staff table had remained empty, which I now noticed with astonishment.
On my way out I passed Professor McGonagall and was going to ask her if anything had happened, but she anticipated my question saying: "In his room, Florence. He wasn't feeling very well, so he decided to skip lunch!"
"Can I..."
"No, Florence," my Head of House said severely. "There're enough rumours already, even without you visiting your Potions teacher after dinner in his private rooms. I can assure you that his condition is not life-threatening. I am sure it is nothing grave - just a simple indigestion."
She was right, of course. By the following morning Severus was well again. I only saw him at breakfast, however, because Chris and Jenny persuaded me to join them at their trip to Hogsmeade. Since all of us had turned eighteen by now we could leave the castle whenever we felt like it. The teachers, of course, never grew tired of advising their students, not to leave the wizarding village under any circumstances. The surrounding area was crowded with battling wizards and witches, Hogsmeade, however, was lying in the middle of all this commotion, seemingly ignorant of the things that threatened to shatter our world to pieces. The village was peaceful and quiet as ever and when strolling through the little shops and wasting all our money on joke articles I suddenly realised how blissful I had been feeling for the past few days. In fact, I felt thoroughly content for the first time in weeks. Even the horrifying image of my mother and father, fallen in battle, had faded from my memory now I thought about it and I had not been lonely for ages.
"This is all down to Severus," I thought. "Because of him I belong to the Death Eaters now. To a group of real friends who think I am one of them... well - I am one of them, I suppose." And with an almost imperceptible movement I stroked the Dark Mark at my left forearm which started pounding very softly, to my great delight.
Late in the evening, I was sitting in the Gryffindor common room all by myself, trying to understand Newt Scamander's definitions of the most dangerous dragon species, but I could not concentrate. A spider was sitting at the edge of the fireplace and stared at me in an almost provoking way. Every step she made increased my interest in her and I wondered if I could continue with the experiment I had started during Potions. Of course, Severus had warned me not to use any of the Unforgivable Curses in public, but there was no public, and at long last I decided to give it a try. A green light, a whizzing sound and the spider stumbled, turned and stopped moving.
"Brilliant," I whispered. "It works!"
A sensation of great satisfaction caught me and I jumped excitedly through the common room. A squeal of pain, however, interrupted my excitement almost promptly. I had hit Antonio, Chris's cat. A fat, spoilt, boring animal which I hated through a natural instinct. A cruel idea came to my mind. Could I possibly... or was he too big? I had to find out. Slowly, dangerously I approached the cat and came to a halt just before his paws. I raised my wand... and lowered it again. No. I could not do this to Chris. She loved her cat beyond reason.
I pulled back my fringe with my wand and wiped off the sweat.
"This hair needs cutting," I told the cat, and a sudden an idea struck me. "I might just change your hair. Make it curly or something. Oh, Chris is so going to hate me for this."
I raised my wand again, more determined this time.
"Horrible creature," I whispered. "Horrible, disgusting, annoying creature. You deserve to die." And suddenly it was all too easy. It was just a spell, after all, nothing more. "Avada Kedavra!"
A flash of blinding green light filled the room.
"This is true witchcraft," I beamed, stared at the motionless cat. "Nothing like the rubbish they're teaching us in Charms or Transfiguration. - But I suppose you can't just stay there." I threw the cat's dead body into the fireplace and raised my wand one more time.
"Kadavre Inflamare!"
The cat vanished in a huge, greenish jet of flame. I smiled, captured by the strange beauty of death and put away my wand. Deciding that I would, one day, tell Severus about this, I walked up the stairs to the dormitory, deciding to better go and get some sleep.
A few weeks later my parents were buried - or rather those parts of their bodies that had not been blown up by Aurors during the fight. I attended the funeral, receiving a special permission from Professor Dumbledore to take a few days off. Luckily no one had asked me to identify the bodies, nor had I requested to see them again. It was bad enough that I had to turn up and listen to the priest. Mind you, I liked the sermon, but the Muggles had clearly not been told how exactly my parents' had died, which made their condolences sound slightly absurd to my ears.
"Life can be so terrifyingly short," the priest said. "However, if it has been satisfying - who are we to complain?"
I nodded imperceptibly. Mourning was useless. Living was useless. Dying was useless as well. I hated the thought of it. I hated the people who had taken my parents away from me. And... I stopped for a moment.
A penetrating image came to my mind. A massacre. The murder of two people who left behind a daughter and a grandchild. Two people fighting for their lives, two people dying in vain... in vain... in vain... I shuddered. How was Severus any different from those who had murdered my parents? How was I?
I glanced around. A young Muggle, about my age, gave me an insinuating glance. He was probably really stupid. Perhaps even a bully. He looked it, certainly. The child's wide grin annoyed me for some reason and I gripped my wand, firmly, baring my teeth as I did. Magic filled my body and moved into the wand in sweet seduction and anticipation. I trembled.
"Kill him!"
The order was definite. I had heard it before. Ever since Severus and I had begun to actually act upon Lord Voldemort's orders and do a lot of uncomplicated jobs for him, his voice had followed me around and given instructions. Simple instructions like: "Make him tell you the truth!" "Make her understand!" "Get her!" or "Kill him!" I had not once failed to obey.
Feeling the magic inside my hand I looked down and loosened my grip. This was not the time, nor the place. My parents were dead - about to be buried. What use would it be? What use was in the death of a useless, pathetic Muggle? My powers exceeded his by far.
The Muggle winked at me and I decided to give him a rather unpleasant, cold sneer, which I had seen with Severus and decided to copy it in a fitting moment. I succeeded. He did not look at me again. What had Severus said back in 1975?
"There is no need to kill a person if you can scare the guts out of them with a simple glance." I smiled. He had been right - as usual. But hadn't things changed? What would the Dark Lord say to this if he knew? I did not expect Severus had told him about his theory. I did not expect anything.
The funeral did not last long. I was the only one who stayed behind. The graveyard was empty now and I was alone with my grief.
"Mourning is useless," I told a picture of my parents which had been in my pocket all day. "Everything is useless. Even taking pictures." I tossed the picture into the grave and regretted it at an instant. My wand got it back for me.
"I feel empty," I told the coffins. "I feel abandoned. I feel lonely. Just like when the hurricane was about to kill me. And Severus... I feel bad about what I have seen, but there is no way back... and I do not want to go anywhere. I do not want to do anything anymore..." I paused. What was the use of living if there was nothing to live for?
"There is nothing left for me," I whispered. "Nothing except... Severus."
And I realised for the first time how tremendously important Severus Snape had become for me during these last few weeks. How much our little quarrels, our discussions, our power struggles... how much his mere presence had meant to me... and still did.
For the first time in my life I realised that I did not and had never lived in vain. For there was a person who shared it with me.
"At least my life is worth living!" I shouted at my dead parents. "What about yours?" And with an unexpected, horrible impulse my sorrow suddenly got on to me. At long last I was finally blessed with the gift of wholehearted, uncontrollable crying.