Author's Note: A quick Thank You for your reviews, everyone! I greatly appreciate creative thoughts on my work. - Silverthreads: The latter, dear. Definitely he latter. :D
Waking up the following morning was the most appalling experience of my entire life. Not only had I broken my vow of not talking to James (and a lot of other people) the night before, I had also had an insanely huge amount of Firewhiskey and butterbeer and surely a lot of other liquids, which I could not even remember now. In spite of my usual bashfulness. In spite of me not being much of a drinker - usually. But somehow, I had not been able to stop myself that night, undoubtedly because I had still been brooding about my grumpy behaviour towards Severus.
In the morning, therefore, I was suffering from the worst hang-over I had had in years. In fact, the evening had included so much alcohol that when I got up I was not able to recall a single moment of it from a certain point. I could not remember whom I had been talking to, what I had been talking about and how long I had stayed at The pub after James and I had finished our chat.
Embarrassing. But at least James had left early in the morning, which probably meant that both of us had been reasonable enough (or sober, respectively) to go to bed before the end of the party.
Severus, in any case, had returned from his "relatives" in the middle of the night, Jenny told me in the lunch break.
"He has been looking for you, Florence, but I hadn't seen you for a while, so I couldn't help him."
"Curious," I thought, but kept my mouth shut, since there was no need for Jenny to know about my temporary loss of memory.
"You've got to go and ask Professor McGonagall for your results," she told me eventually. "She said people who wanted to know their results early could come and get them today. If not, we'll have to wait till we get them by owl."
I nodded reluctantly.
"What are you scowling at?" Jenny said cheerfully. "Even Chris was brave enough to get hers, and she's passed every single exam. Mind you - I bet McGonagall overlooked her rabbit's wings on purpose."
"You haven't seen what I've done to the Potions classroom," I muttered, but Jenny had turned and was now talking to a sixth-year boy from Hufflepuff who seemed eager to hear how and where the final exams were held.
When lunch was over and the students headed back to the common rooms I made up my mind to follow Jenny's advice, so I walked towards Professor McGonagall who, apparently, was deeply involved in a conversation with Professors Flitwick and Lewis.
"It would be hard to continue teaching in that case," Lewis was just saying. "And I still don't think it's wise to not let the students know what is happening outside. Some of them are likely to find their families shattered to pieces when returning this summer."
"But what can we do?" Flitwick squeaked. "If we close the school people will object for sure. Most parents are quite frankly thankful to know their children safely within Hogwarts walls."
"And in the reach of Albus Dumbledore," McGonagall added wearily. "And who could blame them? Hogwarts is one of the few remaining institutions that is not infiltrated by Death Eaters at. Though, of course-"
"Shouldn't we continue this discussion somewhere more private?" Lewis said sharply and gave me a piercing look. "Though I daresay one of your students wants a word with you first, Minerva."
McGonagall turned with a start.
"Yes, Miss Dyker," she said, looking confused. "What is it?"
"Jenny told me you were giving out exam results," I replied, trying to sound as if their subject of conversation had not picked my curiosity. She nodded.
"Yes, of course. Most people got theirs straight after breakfast. But you would have slept in, of course..."
I wondered what she was talking about, but did not dare ask, since I had the distinct feeling that this had something to do with a certain, quite recent period of time that had vanished from my memory. Perhaps I had fallen asleep on the bar table.
"Kindly follow me to my office," said Professor McGonagall matter-of-factly, glancing once more at Flitwick and Lewis before leaving the Great Hall.
At her office, Professor McGonagall had to flip through a few folders before she found the examination papers.
"There it is," she said at long last. "Let's see... Daniels, Davids, Dean, Devlin, Dippet, Dyker - that's it."
I held my breath.
"Not bad," she muttered. "Not bad at all. I say - mostly good work, Miss Dyker, you have achieved a great deal." I smiled.
"I passed everything then?" She continued flipping.
"Transfiguration is not a problem, of course," she said, "though I must say your snake expired when the exam was over. You seem to have forgotten to give it a lung."
She stared at me over the edge of her glasses and I gave her an embarrassed grin.
"I have also been asked," she continued, "to congratulate you on your spectacular performance in both advanced courses. The examiners seemed rather impressed."
I nodded politely. Defence Against the Dark Arts had never been the subject I had seen in my nightmares and dreaded in the mornings. And nor had Charms.
"Potions, of course," McGonagall said suddenly, "you will have to retake - but naturally you'd have heard about that."
I gave her a blank stare. "Retake? Potions?"
She nodded. "That is what it says here." She turned the parchment for me to have a look at. I stared at it without knowing what to do or to say.
"He can't do that," I finally stammered. "Just because- I... But I got a passing grade! He told me so!"
"Well," McGonagall replied, "I could talk to him if you want me to. But the final decision is his, I am afraid. It says here that the cauldron exploded. Is that true?"
"Yes," I hissed, "but that's not the reason. He's going to fail me because he didn't get his way! We had a little... dispute."
"I noticed," said Professor McGonagall coldly, "but still - are you sure this is the reason you didn't pass? Professor Snape would have had to get both examiners to agree with him, after all. And that cannot have been easy, I daresay." I watched her closely, trying to decide whether it was safe to ask... but she was right. Of course she was. Or at least, this possibility had come to my own mind as well, had it not? I had been certain to have messed up the exam, after all.
After a while of desperate thinking, however, I decided that there was no way Severus could not have foreseen that. He tended to keep his promises, and he had been very sure of my success. Too sure. I knew exactly what he was like. I knew the reliable teacher he was, always helping me as much as he possibly could, and I knew the angry man, who sought revenge for every defeat he suffered - and usually got it. This was just the thing Severus would do simply because he was in a bad mood. He knew I would have a second chance, after all. Noticing Professor McGonagall's concerned look I remembered her question and hurriedly composed myself.
"That is impossible," I said calmly, still gazing at the form sheet in front of me. "No, I think... this is Severus at his best."
She nodded and remained silent.
"But I'll make him regret," I muttered. "I'll take the bloody sheet and beat him up with it. And then, I'll stuff it right into his..."
"I can't authorise that, I am afraid," said McGonagall sternly. "But how about a well-placed curse?"
Of course she was joking. I grinned.
"You should talk to him in any case," she said more seriously. "It is the most obvious solution. If he really intends to fail you on purpose, the only way to prevent this would be to settle your dispute as soon as possible."
"Does that mean I'll have to do the exam no matter what?" I asked flatly. McGonagall nodded.
"I am afraid so."
"Oh, you'll pay for that one, Severus Snape," I growled, turning to leave McGonagall's office.
"Miss Dyker," she said suddenly, however, assuming an unexpectedly sharp tone. I turned again, feeling, that I would not stand through another reprimand.
"Yes, Professor McGonagall?"
The Deputy Headmistress seemed to struggle for words for a short while, then sighed and took off her square glasses to wipe her forehead. "Do bear in mind how much they loathed each other," she said eventually, her voice suddenly very quiet. "Please be sensitive towards his feelings." I gave her a blank stare.
"Fine," I said, eventually deciding that I had no clue what she was talking about - and that I was not particularly interested either. "Fine, I'll be sensitive towards poor, mistreated Sevvy. But I have feelings, too, you know. And I'll make him see them."
And the door slammed behind me before the Professor had a chance to reply.
My first intention was to really come bursting in Severus's lesson and give him a ringing slap across his cheek, but the idea of twenty giggling second-years, pointing at me and him and making up their own theories in hushed voices caused me to change my mind just in time. Instead, I stopped in front of the classroom door and tried to calm a little before entering.
"What an extraordinarily good-looking Potion, Thatcher," I heard Severus's voice from inside. It was soaked with sarcasm and contempt, very unlike the soft, calculating whisper I was used to. I held my breath and pressed my ear against the wooden door, eager to learn what situation had caused such strong emotions in him. Wasn't he talking to a student? Surely, a second-year would not be able to understand his mock approval?
"You mean it?" I heard a trembling voice reply to Severus's statement. "I thought it was a bit dark-"
"Of course, you fool!" Severus replied, dropping all sarcasm at once. "It is black! Did you really think this potion could make anyone invisible if it looked like that piece of junk you have just produced? It is called Invisibility Potion, idiot boy! Why do you think it is called that?"
The boy seemed to have gone to pieces behind his cauldron. I felt sorry for the poor child, as I knew exactly what this situation felt like. The majority of Severus's lectures had a tendency of giving you nightmares for the rest of your life. And this was only a second-year...
When the bell rang and Severus told the children to clear away I suddenly remembered why I had come here in the first place. The students filed out of the room one after another, giving me politely interested looks at the very most. I took a deep breath and entered Severus's realm of potions, making an effort of radiating superiority. He, on the other hand, was sitting at desk, brooding over a couple of essays, without looking up.
"Err-" Why did he have to look so darn intimidating? "S-" He was a bloody teacher. Perhaps all I had to do was to remind him of it. Remind him of his responsibilities. A glimpse of sarcasm lit my brooding mind. "Professor?"
"Sit down, Coster, I'll come to you in a minute," he said without looking up. I gave an impatient snort, crossed my arms and tapped my foot. He still took no notice of me and I somehow doubted that he would notice by himself that I was not merely a second-year waiting to be put in detention.
"Severus," I finally snarled. "You are wasting my time!" He raised his head in obvious surprise.
"Florence..." A strange smile appeared at his face, just for a second. "How surprising..."
Without answering I sat down at one of the tables in the front row and gave him a stern look.
"You think this is funny, do you?" I said coldly. "Telling me not to worry - and then failing me on purpose?"
"You are rubbish at Potions," Severus replied and his black eyes glittered malevolently. "Trust me - I can tell."
"What did the examiners say?" I asked furiously. He grinned. "Oh, I believe they found your performance quite convincing. Just as I did, in fact. The problem is - most of what you did was clearly lucky guessing. I know exactly what your face looks like when you do. And the result was instantly recognisable, of course. Making my dear colleagues want another prove of your non-existent abilities was not exactly the hardest of all tasks. In fact, it turned out to be one of the easiest things I've ever done. Most regrettably I won't be able to witness you blowing up the Potions classroom again, though. I might have enjoyed the sight." His look had assumed an odd quality and his eyes were glittering again.
"What? You won't be there?"
His lips curled. "Unfortunately..."
"But you will set the exam?"
He smirked. I could not believe it.
"But surely you are aware that I..."
"...can't do the exam without my help? Yes, I am."
I looked at him horror-struck.
"Do you remember me telling you," said Severus after a long while quietly, his eyes glittering, apparently full of malice, "that I could have you pass the exam without effort?"
I nodded.
"Well," he said, "it is just as simple the other way round. Having you flunk Potions is not going to be a problem for me."
"Why?"
He remained silent and turned to his essays again.
"Severus, I insist that you tell me the reason! After all that happened - you owe me an explanation!"
"After all that happened," he replied coldly, "I owe you nothing and I have every reason to do this. I have..." his voice cracked, just for a second, "...entertained the ridiculous illusion that the girl I used to know has grown up, as I have. But that was a mistake. A very... foolish mistake."
I frowned. "You are the one who keeps challenging James Potter," I said slowly. He flinched indignantly at the name. "So who needs to grow up? I am sorry, but I think I am the one who made the mistake here."
I rose and walked towards the dungeon door. But every step burnt and in the end I had to turn again. I would not let it end like this, or it would hurt for the rest of my life. I returned to his desk and positioned myself right in front of him.
"By the way, Severus," I said, "next time you find someone willing to believe you - think before whispering false promises into her ear! Because it is not my fault that you cannot seem to be able to get your emotional life under control!"
That hit home. Severus jumped to his feet, his face glowing with rage and his eyes glittering perilously. "Don't you dare talk to me like that, Florence! You are the one who..."
But he did not finish his sentence. A small boy had appeared at the doorstep, looking both, frightened and appalled. He seemed ready to turn on his heal, but Severus recovered within a second. An unusually malicious smile appeared at his face and he straightened up in an extremely slow and dangerous way.
"Come in, Coster!" he ordered.
The boy approached.
"Mr. Filch told me to see you," he said in a subdued mutter. "He..."
"I know, I know," Severus interrupted in a sweet voice. "It is about my office, isn't it?"
"But I didn't mean to enter it!" the boy exclaimed. "We got lost. The door was open, so we..."
"Silence!" Severus cut him off. "You will not lie to me in this impertinent manner!"
The boy shut his mouth, looking intimidated.
"But you have chosen a very convenient time to do so," Severus remarked and gave me a brief glance. "Miss Dyker here is obviously in need of a demonstration that I will not have students treat me like a complete idiot! You will help Thatcher pickling python guts this evening, so that the sixth-years can use them tomorrow morning."
The boy's expression filled with disgust. "Those filthy, slimy things you keep next door?"
Severus raised his eyebrows. "I expect you after dinner. Don't be late! Now clear off!"
The boy lowered his head and turned to leave the classroom. Severus looked exceedingly pleased with himself. He seemed to start enjoying this kind of performance.
"You like it!" I said furiously. "You enjoy frightening innocent second-years..."
"Third-years," Severus interrupted coldly. "I must say they are a lot easier to handle when they are scared. I shall bear that in mind."
I was disgusted. Severus, on the other hand, turned to his essays again. He did not seem to feel that there was any need to continue our discussion. I looked down at him and waited.
"You still owe me an explanation," I said after a short and icy silence. "I won't leave until I've got one."
Slowly, very slowly and with a dangerous gleam in his eye Severus raised his head and looked straight into my face.
"I give you a fair warning, Florence," he said, making his words sound like a death threat, making me shudder. "Don't push it. I'll tell you one last time: Leave me alone! Don't talk to me, don't even look at me. And keep out of my sight.' His voice was no more than a growl now. His eyes full of gleaming hatred, his hands shaking of suppressed rage. 'Go!' he snarled. 'You make me sick!"
I swallowed. Couldn't say anything for a while. Then, with a dignity I would never have thought me capable of, I walked towards the door.
"Severus Snape," I said without turning. "You really are the most disgusting piece of scum I've ever seen in my life!"
And I left.
I limped along the dungeon corridor, towards its darker areas, which I had never even seen. I sobbed slightly, stumbled, and finally broke into tears, totally losing control over myself. All that made my life worth living vanished the instant I became aware of it. It had happened with my parents, and now it happened with Severus. But why??? Did everything I loved have to go to pieces?
"This is not fair," I whimpered and kicked an armour which gave a rattling protest. "Why is this happening? And why is it happening to me?" A sudden jolt of anger made me run down the corridor and stop only when I had reached a small, empty classroom at the very end of it, which was covered in total darkness. I entered it and squatted down behind one of the tables, crying, coughing and hitting my fists against the dungeon wall.
It helped. For a few seconds the inner pain vanished. Feeling empty and lost I grabbed the edge of the table in an effort to pull myself together and tried to get up, which made my left sleeve slide down and expose my forearm... and the Dark Mark.
Puzzled and rather disgusted I stared at the gloomy skull, which shimmered beneath my white skin like a sign of guilt. Like a bond with Severus. I hated it! I suddenly realised how I hated everything that was somehow connected with him - the whole Death Eater thing, for a start, and everything else about our dark secret - our connection to the Dark Lord. I wondered if all this had merely been about winning Severus back. I had dedicated my life to him, instead of going my own way... instead of deciding what was best for me, Florence!
I felt my upper body quiver and took a deep, calming breath before raising my left forearm, putting my fingernails at the inner side of my wrist and, following a sudden impulse, scraped over the skin of my inner forearm, producing four long, screaming red lines on it. My stomach cramped. The skin was burning, the Dark Mark unscathed. I went through the same procedure once again, causing the scratches to start bleeding. I did it once more. This time, little shreds of skin came off and my eyes filled with tears.
The Dark Mark, on the other hand, had not vanished. Its gloomy, skull-shaped line seemed to have sunken even deeper into my flesh as if to say, "You'd have to do better than that."
"Very well," I growled. "Let's see what you make of this..." I took out my wand and pointed it at my forearm. "Signum Inflamare," I hissed and a blue flame shot out of the top of my wand. I screamed when it reached my arm, did not lower my wand, however, and watched the Dark Mark assuming most peculiar shapes. With a jolt of triumph I observed how its black lines suddenly started to burn. Thick, black smoke appeared and ascended towards the ceiling, making me let out a cry of victory and pain.
Suddenly the door burst open. Within seconds Severus had crossed the room, taken my wand and hit me so hard in the face that I stumbled and fell. The room floated around my whirling head. Every sensation had left my body and I was ready to die... had to die...
Severus remained standing next to my unmoving feet for a couple of minutes. He was panting. How had he realised... I watched his unmoving face and tried to make out hatred, but all I saw was panic. And misery. Then he looked down at his forearm, calmly, almost relieved. His Dark Mark was smoking, too.
I wanted to say something. Talk to him, before he decided to vanish from my life again, but Severus gave me a look of pure venom and left the room before I had even opened my mouth, my wand stored safely in his pocket. I refused to move. Thought about my parents and felt sorry for myself until I was lying in a huge, wet puddle of tears, surrounded by cold dark and loneliness. Loneliness above all.
I hated my life.
Within a few days every student at Hogwarts had heard of my fight with Severus in the Potions classroom, thanks to a certain Jules Coster. Most of my fellow seventh years had left Hogwarts already - only those who had failed one or the other exam were staying. Among them Jenny, with whom I had excessively long conversations, sitting in the Great Hall and sometimes the Gryffindor common room.
Walking through the school's endless corridors was not at all comfortable anymore, since half the first and second years seemed to take me as some kind of heroine. I felt their appreciative, almost admiring looks following me everywhere and I heard them whisper as soon as I turned round a corner, "Snape... dungeons... scum..."
I did not care. My thoughts were spinning around, displaying the same images and emotions over and over again, and still... I could not get hold of any of them. Could not understand what was happening to me. My life had become futile, a pointless mess. I told my mirror, who suddenly seemed much more intelligent than any of my friends, including Jenny, but the mirror was a magical device nonetheless, not a human being, and his answers never gave the desired satisfaction. I was everything - happy, miserable, depressed, lonely... a bit suicidy all in all, but never courageous enough to try and burn the Dark Mark again.
My wand was restored to me by a highly suspicious looking Minerva McGonagall about two weeks before the verifying exam. She seemed eager to know what could have made Severus take such radical measures, since depriving students of their wand was not something a teacher would usually do at Hogwarts, unless there was a severe case of rule breaking or danger of life. Seeing the expression on my face, however, she foresaw a new personal disagreement and refrained from asking. I was eternally grateful for it.
And then he called.
Out of the blue, I felt a stabbing pain at my forearm and, not bothering to hide in a toilet this time, pulled my left sleeve up to my shoulders. The Dark Mark was glowing, undamaged, beneath the red scars of my attempted mutilation, and caused an inexplicable feeling of claim and desire. I felt that Lord Voldemort wanted to see me and that I would go this time.
My feet moved towards Hagrid's hut without me noticing. As I had expected, Severus was nowhere in sight. There was, however, no need to worry about an unseen disappearance. All the teachers were busy preparing the additional exams. No one would notice my disappearance.
Everything worked out very well. Having left the castle I did not need to worry about speed or direction. My broom seemed to know its task. Urged forward by my continuously burning forearm it carried me along endless woods, rivers, and lakes until I recognised the region and a small castle appeared far away at the horizon. Malfoy manor was in sight.
But the meeting was not going to take place within the vaults of Lucius' place of residence this time. My broom took me to one of the small clearings behind the manor where, between a couple of hedges and old trees, the Death Eaters had assembled already.
I covered my face with the same piece of black cloth I had used before and landed close to them under a small beech tree. Some recognised and greeted me despite of the mask, but most remained silent - did not even talk to each other, in fact. They were all staring at a small group of Death Eaters beneath a huge willow. Only now I realised that the Dark Lord had arrived already and was talking to three of his supporters in private, looking very gloomy and displeased.
I suddenly wondered why I had come here. I told myself I had been feeling alone, even lost, and that I had simply been in the mood of attending this meeting, but I knew that he question went deeper. What did I have to do with this gang of dark figures who enjoyed killing and torturing helpless Muggles... and Muggleborns? I noticed that Severus had not arrived yet and I suddenly realised that a lot of my old confidence had simply vanished the day Severus had abandoned me.
Lord Voldemort took a few steps forward and gave the surrounding Death Eaters a piercing look, then started to speak in barely more than a whisper.
"Death Eaters! Devotees of the belief that a world ruled by magic folk could be better - greater than it is at the moment! You have come, which shows that it is not too late, yet. Despite the many losses we had to suffer during the past weeks, we have also had a lot of success. Some have left us, but some..." and he looked straight into my eyes, "... have also returned."
It couldn't be. Maybe he was staring at a point behind me in order to concentrate on his speech. He approached. I held my breath. Did not dare move and suddenly realised that he was clearly moving towards the spot where I was standing.
"Florence," he whispered almost inaudibly, "you are with us?" I took an unintentional step backwards and returned his look unblinkingly, trying to show neither fear nor any of the doubts that had overcome me lately.
"O-of course," I said, feeling slightly taken aback. "Why shouldn't I?"
He gave me a mirthless laugh.
"I assumed you had left again, my dear," he said menacingly, coming even closer. "After you... refused to join us when I called a few weeks ago."
I did not know what to say. Who could have expected a scene like this? He was standing only a few inches away from my face now and I could see his red eyes glow in the darkness that enclosed us slowly, menacingly.
"Let's see...," he said with a cold smile and took out his wand. "Let's have a closer look."
With an almost imperceptible wave of his wand he rolled up my left sleeve so that everyone could see the Dark Mark at my forearm. It was glowing once more. Voldemort smiled his snake-like smile.
"Good work," he congratulated himself. "It looks quite impressive."
I gave him a puzzled look, still having no idea what this was aiming at.
"You are one of us now, Florence," Voldemort finally hissed. "That means you will appear at my side the very instant I call you. Whatever it takes."
"I... I was busy..." I stammered. His expression became icy.
"The very second I call you," he hissed, "whatever it takes. Will you remember that? Or do you need a demonstration as to why it is not wise to provoke the most powerful sorcerer in the world?"
I stared at him, unable to speak or to move. I was not going to let him treat me this way. But what if people's assumptions were right? What if he did terrible things even to his own supporters?
"I know exactly why it is not wise to provoke you," I said coolly. "I have seen what happened to the Bones just because you wanted them dead."
"Not quite, Florence," Voldemort said slowly and dangerously. "The Bones died because of their own foolishness. They were thoughtless enough to work against me and had to pay, that's right. But they had a choice. Everyone has. Even you. So consider carefully if this is a game you want to play, because working against me is nothing I would recommend."
The Death Eaters laughed.
I felt I had heard this before. Who had compared all this to a game again?
"Don't overestimate your powers!" I said defiantly, speaking in general, rather than addressing him. "I can do whatever I want. No one is going to prevent me from thinking for myself."
Voldemort laughed coldly and drew nearer. "As you wish," he whispered. "Leave, if you dare. You will be the one having to face the consequences." And suddenly, I realised why his words sounded so familiar.
"You are just as sick as Severus!" I shouted, tapped my forehead and turned to leave the clearing, heading towards the place where I had left my broom. Behind my back Voldemort was still laughing. The tone, however, had changed. It sounded vicious and most aggressive now. I shuddered.
"Crucio," he said icily, making me whirl around in reflex, totally taken by surprise. A pain, such as I had never felt before, was drilling through me before I could react. My skin seemed to split, my insides were ripped apart. I screamed like I had never screamed before and threw myself to the ground in an effort to make my blazing hands cover every part of my body at the same time. I had the expression that my brain was beginning to dissolve. That all my thoughts and memories were transforming into a huge sphere, which escaped my reach although I tried to seize it with all might. I was falling, falling...
And then it stopped. The pain vanished as suddenly as it had come, and I knew it was over although it took the thick fog a rather long time to fade away completely. I needed a moment of recollection to realise where I was and what had happened, but my memory returned - just as my fear.
"This group can only survive if its members stick together under any circumstances. In addition, being a Death Eater means you have to show unconditional, everlasting loyalty towards your master. Do you want to be a Death Eater, Florence?"
I stared at him without moving. He lost his patience.
"Answer me, or will only another dose of the Cruciatus curse be able to make you see reason?" That woke me up.
"No, please," I whispered. "Anything but that." I tried to get up, but stumbled and fell again. "I am not sure if you are truly aware of what I just said," Voldemort hissed. "Perhaps those few seconds were not enough to make you remember your vow of a lifetime service?" He raised his wand once more and my eyes widened in horror.
"No," I moaned, "please..."
I flung myself to his feet, trembling all over, and remained there for a while, feeling the other Death Eaters' contemptuous looks glide over my shivering body until Lord Voldemort spoke again.
"Get up, Florence," he said. "You know where you belong."
I nodded hastily and tried to stand, not daring to raise my head.
"Yes, master..."
Voldemort nodded and turned towards the others. "We have a lot to discuss. Let us continue...!"