Forever
The Esteemed Lady Quotes
Summary: A depressing little ficlet. Spike and Angel meet at the end of everything. Neither is made the better here, so both Spike and Angel fans hopefully will be satisfied. Both B/S and B/A, no matter what my standing is.
AN: This is the first of a series of Angel and Spike truce minis I'm doing. I'm having major trouble concentrating on anything bigger. I know it's sad, and I know it's really kinda evil of me, but believe me, the best I've got as far as BtVS/AtS fics go.
This is kind of for everyone, 'cos I'm tired of fighting Spuffy VS Bangel all the time. So they're both the good guys. Okay. Nothing more to say.
A larger, darker figure appeared beside him. The first didn't move. He knew the other figure well. They had their share of battles in the past, but he stayed relaxed, not looking at the other. He knew he had not come to fight this time. He just stood there silently, making the second man make the first move.
"Spike." The dark figure greeted.
"Angelus." The white-blond replied, finally looking up at Angel and smirking as he always did. But Angel noticed the smirk was only a ghost of its cocky former grin. Also, the younger vampire's eyes had lost their dangerous, mischievous glitter. It was replaced with the sad, empty look of one who has seen a lot and didn't know what to do anymore. Only they showed his age.
"She was the last?" Angel asked, following his Grandchilde's gaze. Spike reached out a hand and gently touched the headstone with two fingers. He traced the letters that spelled out "Dawn Summers."
"Yeah." He replied quietly. This was the first time he'd been able to come see her grave, two weeks after she'd been buried. Two weeks without Dawn. He took a deep breath and looked up.
"Yeah." Angel remained silent a moment. He knew what Spike was going through. The last of his circle had died a while back. He knew how hard it was. He let his eyes travel along the neat row of headstones. His gaze settled on one and the large vampire had to look away.
"At least you got to say goodbye to everyone. Me . . . I only heard about it when it was over. I never got a last laugh." Angel said. Spike snorted.
"You think I'm better off then? Oh, lucky, lucky Spike. Gets to watch his friends grow old and die while he stays young and unchanging forever." He said bitterly. "Curse of the bloody immortal."
"I know." Angel replied. He had felt the same way. Watching everyone else made him feel so much younger, naive to growing older. He could never know, even after all he had seen, what that felt like. It was the one thing which always made him inferior. He knew history more intensely than anyone else, and mostly all the good places to go in the world, but he would never know about aging or death. He realized the other vampire was talking again, still in that quiet tone.
"She was my Niblet, my Little 'Bit, and she grew older than me, even though I'm hundreds of years older than she was." Spike explained. "And now she's gone."
"I'm sorry. I know you two were close." Angel said. He knew the feeling. He had received news via Wolfram & Hart that Connor had died just two months ago. It had hurt that his son had died, even more so that he died without ever remembering or seeing Angel. Without ever knowing Angel was his father. Both vampires stood lost in their own thoughts for a while, then Spike looked up.
"Why are you here? I kind of neglected to let you know when . . . " he trailed off, making a small gesture to the stone. Angel allowed a small grin, letting Spike know he didn't hold it as one of the many things he had against him.
"When a great, mystical Key dies, people talk." He replied. Spike nodded. Even being there, he knew the energy she had emitted while alive faded out, and it was very noticeable.
"I nearly went insane, hoping she would still be a person. Hoping she wouldn't just turn into a little green ball of light. She didn't. I finally decided she was up there with the rest." He said. The rest. Angel looked again to the row of stones. All people he knew. All of them he considered friends, and now they were all dead.
"But it's hard to let go, isn't it." Angel finished for him. Spike ran a hand through his hair.
"Yeah." He said. "It's hard with all of them, all your friends, but especially the ones you loved the most." The older vampire looked on in silence, knowing how true that was. It was hard losing friends, Fred, Gunn, Wesley . . . but it had hurt most when Connor had died, and when Cordelia had. And Buffy. Angel hesitated a moment, then looked up at Spike.
"I never asked you before . . . I didn't exactly know how." He said. "But I always wondered what . . . " he stopped and looked down. Even now, he didn't like to ask. Spike frowned.
"What did you wonder?" he asked, genuinely interested. Angel didn't look up.
"What she was like in the end." He said. "Buffy. I wanted to know what happened in the very end. You don't have to tell me. I just always wanted to know." Spike gave him a small smile. He had always been searching for the right time to explain.
"She accepted it. She was a little pissed it wasn't going to be a demon. Said she wanted to go down fighting. Got a little depressed after the doctor told her he couldn't do anything for the cancer. But in the end, she figured it was all right. She had her heroic death." Spike paused a moment. "I was the last person to see her. I told her to tell Joyce I said hello, and what happened to Timmy in Passions. She laughed, and told me . . . "
There Spike stopped and looked up at the sky. Then he looked back at Angel, who was watching silently, patiently. He knew it was hard for Spike. He felt the same way about Buffy. Yet he hadn't been there when it happened. No one had let him know.
"She, uh, told me she was sorry for everything she'd done to me, and that she loved me." Angel looked away. Spike just looked at him for a moment, then continued. "Then she told me to take care of Dawn. And she said, uh, she said to tell you she was done baking, and that she would always love you." Angel looked at him in surprise. Spike smiled and shrugged.
"I, of course, told her I couldn't do that, and she'd better make up her mind bloody quick. She laughed and told me she'd miss me, and I told her I loved her. She closed her eyes and sort of . . . sort of smiled. And then I knew it. She was gone." Spike finished, smile fading as he remembered those last few moments. Angel nodded.
"She died happy then. Good." He sighed. "Good." Silence took over once again. Spike broke it, looking up at the sire of his sire.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly. Angel stared in surprise at this very uncharacteristic apology, then frowned at him.
"For what?" he asked. For a brief moment, he considered making a jab about the hundreds of things the two argued about, but the blond vampire's sincere tone stopped him.
"I should have told you but I couldn't find the right time." Spike admitted. "I didn't do it just to keep it from you." Angel was surprised a moment. That was the first time Spike had ever been so serious and humble with him.
"I understand. That's a moment you want to keep for yourself." Angel replied. Spike nodded.
"Yeah. And it's not easy to tell either. I mean, how do you say something like that?" He asked. "How do you say, 'hey, these were her last words. Sorry.' without it sounding . . . dead?" The word fell off his tongue like lead. Angel tried to break the tension.
"You'd think we'd know how to handle it, since, you know, we're dead ourselves." He said in an attempt at a joke. Spike shook his head, a half smile playing across his lean face.
"The living dead. That's us." He agreed. He made a face at Angel. "Maybe we should start a club. The Undead Club. No living people allowed. I could be president and you could be in charge of the brooding in the shadows sessions." The jab was mostly playful.
"No, I could be president and you could hold proper use of artificial hair color and sarcasm seminars." He replied. The thought amused the two for a few minutes. Spike sobered a little.
"It wouldn't work. You 'n me, Angel. We're two of a kind." He said. "The only two vampires in the world bloody stupid enough to go out and get us souls. In completely different ways, mind you." Angel nodded.
"Yeah . . . " he agreed. "Although I've always liked to think of it as the only two smart enough to get ourselves souls." Spike nearly started teasing Angel again, but stopped himself. Something was bothering him, something that had been bothering him for a long time.
"But that's the problem, isn't it?" he asked. "What's the point of the soul? Can we possibly redeem ourselves? Or are we just kind of a lost cause? Maybe we're better off soulless, but then again, maybe there really is something worth fighting for." Angel sighed.
"I don't know. I want to think so. I've been waiting for about a hundred years now for the Shanshu prophecy to come true. I've been hoping that's my . . . "he stopped and looked at Spike. ". . . our way out." He finished. Spike shrugged.
"I've given up on the bloody Shanshu." Spike said. "You're gonna have to tell me how that turns out, anyway. 'S not like I'm gonna stick around for it." Spike looked away. Angel looked at him.
"What do you mean?" He asked, not wanting to believe his first thoughts. Spike grinned at him, but it was a serious sort of grin. A kind of grin that was more for reassurance than humor.
"You know exactly what I mean. Which is kind of why I'm glad you showed up, Angelus." He said. "I was hoping you could help me figure something out. The one thing that scares me about all this." Angel frowned.
"What's that?" he asked. Spike looked at him, as if trying to decide whether he wanted to say anything or not. Finally, he took a deep breath.
"It was always a frightening thought. Where does one go when they die? It used to keep me up nights when I was alive. Then I became a vampire. Didn't really care anymore. Didn't matter, did it? I was immortal, wasn't I?" Spike sighed. "Went along without giving it a second thought for about a hundred or so years. Then came the chip. Had a lot of time on my hands, being the captive of the Scoobies and all."
Angel frowned. That had always bothered him. He'd never found out why Buffy and her friends had kept Spike hostage instead of staking him and having done with it. He figured it probably had something to do with Buffy being noble like she was. But that wasn't the point.
"Nearly did it to myself, but only once. Red . . . Willow stopped me. Made me think about it, really. I started wondering about things. Then there was the soul." Spike sighed. "Look, let's stop this before we've got a full on flashback. I guess what I'm really trying to say is . . ." He stopped and looked down. Angel knew he was choosing his words carefully. Spike was always one for words. Always the poet.
"Where does a vampire go when they get the stake?" Spike finally asked quietly. Angel looked at Spike for a long moment. The other vampire suddenly seemed very innocent and young. Angel didn't know what to say to him. Because that was an unsolved problem for him too.
"I don't know, Spike." He replied just as quietly. Spike frowned.
"I mean, do we just poof into nothingness, or do we get a Go to Hell, Go Straight to Hell card? Or is there some kind of judgement, just for the demons, or does the soul get you a ride to the judgement seat? I don't know what happens. I've seen hell, Angel, and I don't want to see it again." Spike said, almost panicking. Angel ran a hand through his hair. Those were questions that had plagued him as well.
"I don't know." He repeated. "Maybe we get a chance, just because of the soul. Maybe we don't. I don't know." Spike sighed.
"Maybe there's a special place, just for the vampires with souls." He said. "That being me and you, mate. 'S hell enough for me." The remark fell flat, both still wondering what really did happen. Finally Spike pulled out a stake. He looked at the weapon for a long moment.
"Well, I guess there's one way to find out." He said, fingers curling around the stake instinctively. Angel looked at him, wondering whose heart that stake was meant for. But Spike held out the wooden weapon to him, fingers relaxing.
"I think it's right that you do it." He said quietly. "Like I said a long time ago. Circle of death and all." Angel shook his head. He didn't make any move to take the stake.
"I can't." He said. Spike rolled his eyes, a bit of the old, arrogant Spike coming out at last.
"Oh, come on." He groaned. "You've been dying to do it since you got the bloody soul. You hate my guts, now let's do it." Angel shook his head again.
"No, Spike. I never wanted to stake you." He said. Spike snorted.
"That's a lie. Of course you did." He replied. He thought of all the times they'd fought and argued. They never really got along. Never had been best friends.
"I got annoyed with you, yeah. I felt like staking you sometimes, but I don't think I could ever really do it." Angel admitted. "You're Drusilla's fledgling. The boy I taught all my secrets to. Although Angelus is pretty much gone, there's still a little pride left, kinda like an artist, I guess." Spike raised his eyebrows.
"So the same reason you hate me is the reason you won't do it?" he asked skeptically. Angel shrugged.
"That's not why I hate you. When I was Angelus, I hated you because I was always the center of attention until you came along. You stole my Drusilla's heart. I wasn't exactly the biggest on sharing. And you kept messing up my plans." He said. Spike crossed his arms, looking interested.
"So why do you hate me now?" he asked.
"Because you've always been the stronger of the two of us. You were smart enough to steer clear of gypsies, first of all. That was my main thought until I accepted my new soul. And you started out as a pretty good guy. There wasn't a less evil person than William the Poet. I was a drunken idiot. And then you managed to get out of any situation you got yourself into. Finally, you were able to turn good before you got your soul. You searched for it. And that's pretty much the latest reason." Angel explained. "Oh, yeah, and the fact you stole yet another of my girlfriends." Spike held up his hands.
"Hey, you dumped her. Not the other way around, mate." He said. The fun was over, then. Spike looked at stake he still held, then up at Angel.
"But look." He said, once again solemn. "I can't do it myself. I've been trying, for a long time now, to do it. But I can't. It...it scares me too bloody bad. I need you to."
"Spike, I don't want to stake you. I don't know what will happen any more than you do. I've been in Hell too, Spike. I'm not sending you, or anyone there. I don't know where I'll be sending you– "
"Which is why I'm going to find out!" Spike interrupted. "I can't take this anymore, Angel! I can't sit around and watch everyone I love, everything I stuck around for die like that. I'm done. I'm not gonna be around to watch the Whelp's great-grandkids die too. I don't want to be that way. It's not the soul that's torturing me anymore. It's the immortality." Angel listened to all this, knowing exactly how the other vampire felt. Spike looked at him, almost begging.
"Come on, Angel. Please." He whispered. Angel thought about it for a long time. He looked at Spike. There was desperation, and a lot of wear in the other vampire's eyes. Finally Angel took the stake.
"Are you sure? You've still got as good a chance at the Shanshu as I do." He said truthfully. Spike gave him a grin.
"You pull off the reluctant hero better than I ever could. Nah, I'm done waiting. You know I have no patience." He said. Angel nodded. He held up the stake. Spike frowned.
"Hang on . . . " he said. He took a few steps backward, so he was standing on her grave. Buffy's grave. Angel noticed this, and somehow knew that's the way it should be. He came withing staking range. Spike held out his arms.
"Goodbye, Angel-mate. See you wherever it is that us weirdos end up." He said softly. Angel took aim.
"Good luck, Spike. Tell her I said hello." He replied. Spike nodded, then closed his eyes. Angel took a deep breath, then shoved the stake through Spike's heart. Spike winced.
"Ow. That really does hurt." He remarked as he turned to dust. Angel saw him smirk one last time before he exploded. The dust settled about the graveyard. Angel put the stake in his pocket. That was it. He was alone. Again.
Angel stood in the graveyard a long time, contemplating the events that just took place. It was all really over. He wondered what had happened to Spike, and what his own fate would be. He wouldn't know for a while yet. Maybe Spike was ready, but he wasn't. Angel wasn't done paying for what he did. He wanted to stay behind, see what the years would bring. Find out what he was supposed to do. Spike finished his duty. He had once promised to watch Dawn until it was over, and it was. His promise was kept. Angel wasn't quite finished yet.
Angel turned and walked out of the graveyard. Passerby would have believed he was a mourner, leaving his loved one's fresh grave. In a way, that was true. Every person in Angel's past was now gone. It was over.
However, as Angel walked away into the night, another vampire found out what the soul had really given him.
"You kept me waiting forever! I was getting worried you wouldn't make it!"
"Well I had to wait until Dawn died. You were the one that made me promise. And it's not like I'm gonna shove a stake through my own heart. I'm not that stupid."
"Whatever. Now come on. We have to show everyone you're here. We were worried. It would have been easier if you hadn't called the Judge an old geezer."
"He is an old geezer. Did you see him? All the thees and thous."
"Shut up, Spike."
Spike laughed, just for the sake of laughing. He had made it to that perfect place. He glanced down through the translucent holes in the flooring, watching Angel walk away.
"See you in a couple hundred years, Angel. Then you can have your happy ending. Already got mine. I'll be waiting." He said softly, putting an arm around Buffy and letting her lead him off to see the others.
It was the end.
AN: I told you it was kind of depressing. That's why I had to happy-ending it. Make it all okay and stuff. But still, there we go.
Hope you liked it. I'm kind of doing other minis like it, but the others are less depressing. I'm just tired of the Great Spike and Angel war.