"That's not how it goes. We won't defeat the vampyres and live as gods. We're not gonna be big heroes and I am not going to wear some kind of flowing white dress. If we die, we die. Yes, I know I've killed people before. That's not the point. Death means nothing until it happens to someone you love. It's all well and enjoyable to kill and maim for years on end. You're not the person left behind. You don't even think that there is a person left behind. It has never occurred to you before. Sure, you watched all those stupid hospital drama's with the "Everyone I ever loved died in a big car crash and now it's just me and my leprosy stricken dog" storylines and granted, they're sad. If you're more sensitive than me then you might even cry at them. But you never once think that they could be real. That perhaps it's not just a story after all. Buffy's mom died, a couple of years ago. Yes, it's tragic, I know, make your pity face. And that's another thing - Nobody knows what to say. That would be because there is nothing to say. People say they're so sorry and that if there's anything they can do, let them know. If you want to talk they will be there. But it's all been said so many times that it is now entirely meaningless. That's what a cliche is by the way Andrew. Oh, what? You went to Sunnydale High, the teaching standards are terrible. Anyway, even if you do talk to them it won't do any good because there is nothing they can say. Joyce died and she was not my mother. I didn't know her enough to love her. But she could have been, and I could have. And now there are a million could haves that will never be because they just can't be. She is dead. Here, in Sunnydale, I don't even know what that means. Buffy kills vampires and we take it so lightly. Death is so everyday and we throw the word around like it means nothing. Joyce though, she is just gone but I think she has to be somewhere. She can't just not be. I am too old and too tired to believe in God but I would like to believe in something. I would like to believe that wherever she is, she is not just nothing. But I don't know and Xander couldn't explain it to me. Where was I? Oh yes. You never get to do everything you could have done so you might as well do as much as you can now. That's why I had sex with Xander in the corner of the Bronze once. And no, Andrew, I won't have sex with you. I know you didn't ask. I can tell what you're thinking. The thing is, your boyfriend or your mother could die tomorrow, and you don't even suspect it. I guess that's what this carpe diem deal is about, Andrew. I think it's the end of the world or whatever comes before that and I am scared. No, I don't need a hug. Please don't hug me. I might cry and I can't cry...I think they're coming."