Part Ninety Eight
A while later when Karen had left, and was driving towards Cassie and Roisin's small, detached house in Notting Hill Gate, she could finally let her real feeling at the situation emerge. What the hell had Lauren been thinking of, and more to the point, what was she, Karen, doing in keeping the events of the afternoon out of the eyes and ears of the law. She couldn't deal with this. In a similar fashion to that in which Helen had greeted Nikki's appearance on her doorstep all that time ago, Karen couldn't quite comprehend her place within this sudden breaking of the law. Sure, she knew that Yvonne did still have the odd gun at her disposal, but purely as a means of protection, and this was something Karen could quite easily ignore most of the time. But what Lauren had done was quite different. This was just too much to get her head round.
When she drew up in front of Cassie and Roisin's house, she briefly wondered if she was doing the right thing in coming here. Did she really have the right to thoroughly spoil a normal Sunday afternoon? But strengthening her resolve, she got out of the car and locked it. Cassie and Roisin had to know, if for no better reason than that they were Lauren's and Yvonne's closest friends. When she rang the doorbell, she attempted to school her face in to a nondescript expression which wouldn't betray her feeling of utterly confused fear to the children. But it was Cassie who answered. She was chewing a piece of raw carrot and made an attempt to swallow it before speaking.
"Hi," She said with a smile. "This is a nice surprise."
"I'm not sure you'll think so when you hear what I've got to tell you," Replied Karen.
"Come in," Said Cassie, holding the door open. Karen followed Cassie in to the kitchen, where Roisin was preparing the vegetables to go with the roast lamb and roast potatoes which were in the oven. Karen liked this kitchen. She'd never been here before, but she was greeted by the sight of one of the most welcoming rooms she'd ever seen. Roisin was stood chopping carrots, which Cassie kept stealing, and was surrounded by the clear evidence of the cooking of a Sunday dinner. There was an enormous notice board on one wall, covered with the childrens' drawings and well-praised pieces of work they'd done at school.
"Look who's here," Said Cassie.
"Hello," Said Roisin looking pleased to see her.
"Would you like a drink?" Asked Cassie.
"Yes please," Replied Karen, "A very large scotch would go down a treat." After pouring Karen's whisky and herself and Roisin vodka and tonic, Cassie said,
"So, what's the extremely unpleasant thing you've come to tell us?" Karen didn't know what to say. She opened her mouth a couple of times but she just didn't know how to begin such a horrific story.
"What's happened?" Asked Roisin, taking a swig of her drink.
"Where are the children?" Asked Karen, not wanting any possibility of either of them hearing what she had to say.
"Michael's trying to increase his sister's football potential," Said Roisin, gesturing out of the kitchen window, where Niamh had just directed the offending object straight in to a flowerbed.
"So much for your geraniums," Remarked Cassie with a smile. Putting the carrots on to boil, Roisin said,
"Come and sit down." They all moved in to the lounge, and Karen slumped gratefully in to an armchair. She could get to like this house, she thought. It was so normal, so cheerful and happy. What right did she have to utter inside its walls, the words to describe an event that must irrevocably change all of their lives?
"I'm not sure I should tell you with the children in hearing distance," Said Karen, craving any excuse to put off the moment when she would shatter the normality that surrounded their little nest. "Maybe I should come back later," She said, making a move to stand up and leave. Roisin put out a hand to keep Karen in her chair.
"You're frightened of something," She said quietly.
"Yes, you could say that," replied Karen on a shaky little laugh.
"And it doesn't take rocket science to work out that it's to do with either Lauren or Yvonne," Finished Cassie. Karen downed the rest of her scotch.
"I shouldn't really be here," She said, "It isn't fair to do this to either of you."
"Okay," Said Cassie, trying to calm Karen down, "So, it's clearly something that should wait until the kids have gone to bed, but what exactly would you be doing if you did go now and come back later."
"I'm not sure," Replied Karen, knowing that going home to her empty flat was unthinkable right now.
"Precisely," Stated Cassie. "And I don't think you should be on your own right now. You look like a fox that's been caught in a trap by the scruff of its neck." Under normal circumstances, Karen would simply have rolled her eyes at Cassie's terminology, but on this occasion, she was probably right.
"Stay for tea," Said Roisin, "There's plenty here." Wondering if she'd be able to eat a thing, Karen agreed, and attempted to bring her feelings back under control so that she wouldn't appear too odd or distant with Michael and Niamh.
All throughout the meal, Karen did her best to maintain an outwardly happy exterior, but both Cassie and Roisin could see that she was finding it extremely difficult. After they'd eaten, Cassie persuaded a reluctant Michael to help her with the washing up, and Karen listened as Roisin heard Niamh practicing her reading. They made such a complete, perfect little family, the four of them. The children looked on Cassie as simply their other parent, not caring that she was a woman, and that she had usurped their father's place in their mother's life. When it got near bedtime, Niamh slid on to Karen's knee and said,
"Please will you read me a story?" Being presented with such an innocent face brought brief tears to Karen's eyes.
"Not tonight, sweetheart," She replied gently.
"Why are you sad?" Asked Niamh, with all the fearless inquisitiveness that always gave children the courage to ask the questions that many adults would shy away from. Karen had no idea how to reply to such a question. But she was saved by Michael's unexpected admonishment.
"Niamh Connor, you don't ask things like that." Karen gave him a watery smile, her first since the revelations of that afternoon.
"Come on, kids," Said Cassie, "Time for bed." Niamh slid off Karen's knee and followed Cassie and Michael upstairs.
"He's wise beyond his years, your son," Said Karen to Roisin.
"He had to grow up very fast when I was in prison. Aiden always tried to avoid answering difficult questions, which as you'll know is always a bad thing to do with children. So, Michael learnt overnight that there simply are some things you don't ask. If Niamh wants an answer to something, she'll still sometimes ask him instead of us, even now."
Up stairs, Cassie was watching as a visibly tired Niamh cleaned her teeth. When she'd got in to bed, she said,
"Why didn't auntie Karen smile today?" Sitting down on the edge of the child's bed, Cassie put her arms round the little girl who was easily as precious to her as her mother was.
"Karen isn't very happy today."
"Why?"
"I don't know, darling. Sometimes, people just are unhappy and need a bit of a cuddle to put it right." But as she switched out the light and walked across the landing to Michael's room, Cassie thought that this wasn't just any need for a hug, it was something huge, something truly enormous, something that she suspected was about to change their lives for ever. She peeped round the half open door of Michael's bedroom, festooned with football posters and his collection of prized model racing cars.
"Are you still reading Harry Potter?" Asked Cassie.
"Yeah," Said Michael, only briefly looking up. "Only got a few more chapters to go now."
"Well, you can read for an hour, but no more. It's a school night don't forget." As she walked down stairs, she smiled. When Michael had pleaded with Roisin to be allowed to read the first Harry Potter book, Roisin had begun to read it, in order to find out what her son would be letting himself in for. But curiosity being her middle name, Cassie had started reading it herself, and to Michael's intense pleasure had finished it far quicker than his mother would have done, which had meant that he could start on it sooner. Cassie had an unbearable feeling of foreboding as she went in to the lounge. She couldn't explain it, but she was sure that whatever Karen had to tell them wasn't going to be easily sorted out.
Roisin had poured them all another drink, and handed Cassie the vodka and tonic as she sat down on the sofa.
"So, what's happened?" Asked Cassie, as ever coming straight to the point. Taking a deep breath, Karen knew she couldn't put it off any longer.
"Fenner's dead," She said bluntly, totally unable to think of any other way of putting it.
"There's more to it than that," Asserted Roisin quietly. Karen waited until Cassie had swallowed a mouthful of her vodka, before saying,
"Lauren, shot him." Cassie face was a picture. Her eyes became as wide as saucers and her mouth opened and closed, making her look like a fish out of water. Roisin simply sat perfectly still.
"Explain?" Said Roisin, with the total calm of the atom bomb just prior to detonation.
"I was with Yvonne this afternoon, and Lauren came home, covered in earth and casually waving a pistol around like it was a cricket bat. She was proud of it, she told Yvonne that if she was a true Atkins, she'd be proud of her." Now that Karen had started, she didn't seem able to stop. "I had to watch as Yvonne cleaned the gun. I'm assuming that she's done the same with the car."
"Oh, no," Said Cassie furiously. "The stupid, stupid cow."
"She said she had to do it," Explained Karen, the tears coursing down her face now that she could finally begin to unburden herself. "She said that she couldn't let Lauren end up in Larkhall."
"Well, that's where they'll both end up at this rate," Replied Cassie, the embodiment of Roisin's silent anger.
"How could she do it?" Asked Roisin eventually.
"She said that she did it partly for Ritchie, and partly for me," Finished Karen hollowly.
"Oh, my God," Said Roisin soberly.
"Ritchie begged her to do it, in the letter he wrote to her before he died," Continued Karen. "I swear I didn't know she was going to do something so stupid, I swear I didn't." This pleading of her own innocence in the matter, made Cassie and Roisin focus on Karen herself rather than on what she was telling them.
"We know you didn't, sweetheart," Said Roisin, the calm, motherly instinct seeming to take over her every action. They moved towards Karen simultaneously, each taking one of her hands and leading her over to the sofa where they could all sit comfortably. They sat on each side of her, their arms holding her shuddering body.
"That's right," Said Roisin, "You let it all out." Karen couldn't have held back now if she'd tried. She'd kept this secret to herself for almost three hours now, and the strain had finally got to her.
"I, should be so relieved, that, that he's gone," She said between sobs, "But I can't. I know, it sounds stupid, but it just feels wrong."
"It doesn't sound stupid at all," Said Roisin gently.
"Why can't I at least feel relieved that possibly the biggest nightmare of my life is finally gone?" Karen asked, in total desperation to find some explanation for the grief-tinged confusion that was currently swamping her.
"Because it doesn't quite work like that," Answered Cassie reasonably.
"No matter what Fenner did to you and to countless others during his lifetime," Clarified Roisin, "Part of you will still grieve for the brief, happy time you had with him." Karen looked aghast.
"That's the last thing I want to think about," She said, utterly humiliated to realise that Roisin was right.
"I know," Went on Roisin, "But you will. You can't help but think about that."
"You lived with him, for God's sake," Said Cassie, "Fenner might have been a shit of the highest order, but you still lived with him, and for a while, were happy with him. Of course you'll grieve for that. Just because he hurt you later on, doesn't mean that those memories can be automatically forgotten."
"I might hate some of the things that Aiden's said to me over the years," Said Roisin, "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel some hurt if he was killed, especially by someone I know."
"It's the same with Fenner," Said Cassie, and Karen recoiled at this. "And don't look at me like that," Went on Cassie, "Fenner used to say he loved you, didn't he, and at the time, that must have meant something to you. It isn't wrong to feel confused and hurt and angry and all the rest of it."
"Yvonne was so calm," Said Karen.
"That's no surprise," Said Roisin.
"Most of that will have been to cover up how she really felt," Added Cassie. "She probably just feels that keeping Lauren out of prison is the one definite thing she has to do. Yvonne won't even be able to comprehend how you might feel about this, she won't have any emotional space for it."
"I'm sorry," Said Karen, feeling utterly foolish at her outburst.
"Don't be," Said Roisin. "I'm just amazed you kept quiet about it this long."
"But you were right," Finished off Cassie, "The kids did need to be in bed for this one. I need some time to get my head around this myself."
"Do you know something," Said Karen, "I've got a meeting with a barrister tomorrow morning, to continue work on putting a case together against Fenner and area management. How ludicrous is that?"
"Jesus," Said Cassie, "Can you get out of it?"
"No," Replied Karen, a feeling of certainty creeping back in to her voice. "If there's one thing I've got to do, it's to keep up the appearance that everything's normal. I would look far more suspicious if, when he is found, it could be proved that I had avoided contact with a representative of the law."
A while later when Karen left, Cassie and Roisin simply sat on the sofa where she'd left them. They remained silent for a long time.
"How could she do it?" Asked Roisin eventually, voicing their duplicate thought.
"Lauren's always been a bit different to the rest of us," Replied Cassie. "And even more so since the trial. But as you say, that's no reason for this."
"What're we going to do?"
"There's not much we can do," Replied Cassie with a determined air, "Except to be there when she needs us, because this isn't going to go away. You know that as well as I do."
A while later when Karen had left, and was driving towards Cassie and Roisin's small, detached house in Notting Hill Gate, she could finally let her real feeling at the situation emerge. What the hell had Lauren been thinking of, and more to the point, what was she, Karen, doing in keeping the events of the afternoon out of the eyes and ears of the law. She couldn't deal with this. In a similar fashion to that in which Helen had greeted Nikki's appearance on her doorstep all that time ago, Karen couldn't quite comprehend her place within this sudden breaking of the law. Sure, she knew that Yvonne did still have the odd gun at her disposal, but purely as a means of protection, and this was something Karen could quite easily ignore most of the time. But what Lauren had done was quite different. This was just too much to get her head round.
When she drew up in front of Cassie and Roisin's house, she briefly wondered if she was doing the right thing in coming here. Did she really have the right to thoroughly spoil a normal Sunday afternoon? But strengthening her resolve, she got out of the car and locked it. Cassie and Roisin had to know, if for no better reason than that they were Lauren's and Yvonne's closest friends. When she rang the doorbell, she attempted to school her face in to a nondescript expression which wouldn't betray her feeling of utterly confused fear to the children. But it was Cassie who answered. She was chewing a piece of raw carrot and made an attempt to swallow it before speaking.
"Hi," She said with a smile. "This is a nice surprise."
"I'm not sure you'll think so when you hear what I've got to tell you," Replied Karen.
"Come in," Said Cassie, holding the door open. Karen followed Cassie in to the kitchen, where Roisin was preparing the vegetables to go with the roast lamb and roast potatoes which were in the oven. Karen liked this kitchen. She'd never been here before, but she was greeted by the sight of one of the most welcoming rooms she'd ever seen. Roisin was stood chopping carrots, which Cassie kept stealing, and was surrounded by the clear evidence of the cooking of a Sunday dinner. There was an enormous notice board on one wall, covered with the childrens' drawings and well-praised pieces of work they'd done at school.
"Look who's here," Said Cassie.
"Hello," Said Roisin looking pleased to see her.
"Would you like a drink?" Asked Cassie.
"Yes please," Replied Karen, "A very large scotch would go down a treat." After pouring Karen's whisky and herself and Roisin vodka and tonic, Cassie said,
"So, what's the extremely unpleasant thing you've come to tell us?" Karen didn't know what to say. She opened her mouth a couple of times but she just didn't know how to begin such a horrific story.
"What's happened?" Asked Roisin, taking a swig of her drink.
"Where are the children?" Asked Karen, not wanting any possibility of either of them hearing what she had to say.
"Michael's trying to increase his sister's football potential," Said Roisin, gesturing out of the kitchen window, where Niamh had just directed the offending object straight in to a flowerbed.
"So much for your geraniums," Remarked Cassie with a smile. Putting the carrots on to boil, Roisin said,
"Come and sit down." They all moved in to the lounge, and Karen slumped gratefully in to an armchair. She could get to like this house, she thought. It was so normal, so cheerful and happy. What right did she have to utter inside its walls, the words to describe an event that must irrevocably change all of their lives?
"I'm not sure I should tell you with the children in hearing distance," Said Karen, craving any excuse to put off the moment when she would shatter the normality that surrounded their little nest. "Maybe I should come back later," She said, making a move to stand up and leave. Roisin put out a hand to keep Karen in her chair.
"You're frightened of something," She said quietly.
"Yes, you could say that," replied Karen on a shaky little laugh.
"And it doesn't take rocket science to work out that it's to do with either Lauren or Yvonne," Finished Cassie. Karen downed the rest of her scotch.
"I shouldn't really be here," She said, "It isn't fair to do this to either of you."
"Okay," Said Cassie, trying to calm Karen down, "So, it's clearly something that should wait until the kids have gone to bed, but what exactly would you be doing if you did go now and come back later."
"I'm not sure," Replied Karen, knowing that going home to her empty flat was unthinkable right now.
"Precisely," Stated Cassie. "And I don't think you should be on your own right now. You look like a fox that's been caught in a trap by the scruff of its neck." Under normal circumstances, Karen would simply have rolled her eyes at Cassie's terminology, but on this occasion, she was probably right.
"Stay for tea," Said Roisin, "There's plenty here." Wondering if she'd be able to eat a thing, Karen agreed, and attempted to bring her feelings back under control so that she wouldn't appear too odd or distant with Michael and Niamh.
All throughout the meal, Karen did her best to maintain an outwardly happy exterior, but both Cassie and Roisin could see that she was finding it extremely difficult. After they'd eaten, Cassie persuaded a reluctant Michael to help her with the washing up, and Karen listened as Roisin heard Niamh practicing her reading. They made such a complete, perfect little family, the four of them. The children looked on Cassie as simply their other parent, not caring that she was a woman, and that she had usurped their father's place in their mother's life. When it got near bedtime, Niamh slid on to Karen's knee and said,
"Please will you read me a story?" Being presented with such an innocent face brought brief tears to Karen's eyes.
"Not tonight, sweetheart," She replied gently.
"Why are you sad?" Asked Niamh, with all the fearless inquisitiveness that always gave children the courage to ask the questions that many adults would shy away from. Karen had no idea how to reply to such a question. But she was saved by Michael's unexpected admonishment.
"Niamh Connor, you don't ask things like that." Karen gave him a watery smile, her first since the revelations of that afternoon.
"Come on, kids," Said Cassie, "Time for bed." Niamh slid off Karen's knee and followed Cassie and Michael upstairs.
"He's wise beyond his years, your son," Said Karen to Roisin.
"He had to grow up very fast when I was in prison. Aiden always tried to avoid answering difficult questions, which as you'll know is always a bad thing to do with children. So, Michael learnt overnight that there simply are some things you don't ask. If Niamh wants an answer to something, she'll still sometimes ask him instead of us, even now."
Up stairs, Cassie was watching as a visibly tired Niamh cleaned her teeth. When she'd got in to bed, she said,
"Why didn't auntie Karen smile today?" Sitting down on the edge of the child's bed, Cassie put her arms round the little girl who was easily as precious to her as her mother was.
"Karen isn't very happy today."
"Why?"
"I don't know, darling. Sometimes, people just are unhappy and need a bit of a cuddle to put it right." But as she switched out the light and walked across the landing to Michael's room, Cassie thought that this wasn't just any need for a hug, it was something huge, something truly enormous, something that she suspected was about to change their lives for ever. She peeped round the half open door of Michael's bedroom, festooned with football posters and his collection of prized model racing cars.
"Are you still reading Harry Potter?" Asked Cassie.
"Yeah," Said Michael, only briefly looking up. "Only got a few more chapters to go now."
"Well, you can read for an hour, but no more. It's a school night don't forget." As she walked down stairs, she smiled. When Michael had pleaded with Roisin to be allowed to read the first Harry Potter book, Roisin had begun to read it, in order to find out what her son would be letting himself in for. But curiosity being her middle name, Cassie had started reading it herself, and to Michael's intense pleasure had finished it far quicker than his mother would have done, which had meant that he could start on it sooner. Cassie had an unbearable feeling of foreboding as she went in to the lounge. She couldn't explain it, but she was sure that whatever Karen had to tell them wasn't going to be easily sorted out.
Roisin had poured them all another drink, and handed Cassie the vodka and tonic as she sat down on the sofa.
"So, what's happened?" Asked Cassie, as ever coming straight to the point. Taking a deep breath, Karen knew she couldn't put it off any longer.
"Fenner's dead," She said bluntly, totally unable to think of any other way of putting it.
"There's more to it than that," Asserted Roisin quietly. Karen waited until Cassie had swallowed a mouthful of her vodka, before saying,
"Lauren, shot him." Cassie face was a picture. Her eyes became as wide as saucers and her mouth opened and closed, making her look like a fish out of water. Roisin simply sat perfectly still.
"Explain?" Said Roisin, with the total calm of the atom bomb just prior to detonation.
"I was with Yvonne this afternoon, and Lauren came home, covered in earth and casually waving a pistol around like it was a cricket bat. She was proud of it, she told Yvonne that if she was a true Atkins, she'd be proud of her." Now that Karen had started, she didn't seem able to stop. "I had to watch as Yvonne cleaned the gun. I'm assuming that she's done the same with the car."
"Oh, no," Said Cassie furiously. "The stupid, stupid cow."
"She said she had to do it," Explained Karen, the tears coursing down her face now that she could finally begin to unburden herself. "She said that she couldn't let Lauren end up in Larkhall."
"Well, that's where they'll both end up at this rate," Replied Cassie, the embodiment of Roisin's silent anger.
"How could she do it?" Asked Roisin eventually.
"She said that she did it partly for Ritchie, and partly for me," Finished Karen hollowly.
"Oh, my God," Said Roisin soberly.
"Ritchie begged her to do it, in the letter he wrote to her before he died," Continued Karen. "I swear I didn't know she was going to do something so stupid, I swear I didn't." This pleading of her own innocence in the matter, made Cassie and Roisin focus on Karen herself rather than on what she was telling them.
"We know you didn't, sweetheart," Said Roisin, the calm, motherly instinct seeming to take over her every action. They moved towards Karen simultaneously, each taking one of her hands and leading her over to the sofa where they could all sit comfortably. They sat on each side of her, their arms holding her shuddering body.
"That's right," Said Roisin, "You let it all out." Karen couldn't have held back now if she'd tried. She'd kept this secret to herself for almost three hours now, and the strain had finally got to her.
"I, should be so relieved, that, that he's gone," She said between sobs, "But I can't. I know, it sounds stupid, but it just feels wrong."
"It doesn't sound stupid at all," Said Roisin gently.
"Why can't I at least feel relieved that possibly the biggest nightmare of my life is finally gone?" Karen asked, in total desperation to find some explanation for the grief-tinged confusion that was currently swamping her.
"Because it doesn't quite work like that," Answered Cassie reasonably.
"No matter what Fenner did to you and to countless others during his lifetime," Clarified Roisin, "Part of you will still grieve for the brief, happy time you had with him." Karen looked aghast.
"That's the last thing I want to think about," She said, utterly humiliated to realise that Roisin was right.
"I know," Went on Roisin, "But you will. You can't help but think about that."
"You lived with him, for God's sake," Said Cassie, "Fenner might have been a shit of the highest order, but you still lived with him, and for a while, were happy with him. Of course you'll grieve for that. Just because he hurt you later on, doesn't mean that those memories can be automatically forgotten."
"I might hate some of the things that Aiden's said to me over the years," Said Roisin, "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel some hurt if he was killed, especially by someone I know."
"It's the same with Fenner," Said Cassie, and Karen recoiled at this. "And don't look at me like that," Went on Cassie, "Fenner used to say he loved you, didn't he, and at the time, that must have meant something to you. It isn't wrong to feel confused and hurt and angry and all the rest of it."
"Yvonne was so calm," Said Karen.
"That's no surprise," Said Roisin.
"Most of that will have been to cover up how she really felt," Added Cassie. "She probably just feels that keeping Lauren out of prison is the one definite thing she has to do. Yvonne won't even be able to comprehend how you might feel about this, she won't have any emotional space for it."
"I'm sorry," Said Karen, feeling utterly foolish at her outburst.
"Don't be," Said Roisin. "I'm just amazed you kept quiet about it this long."
"But you were right," Finished off Cassie, "The kids did need to be in bed for this one. I need some time to get my head around this myself."
"Do you know something," Said Karen, "I've got a meeting with a barrister tomorrow morning, to continue work on putting a case together against Fenner and area management. How ludicrous is that?"
"Jesus," Said Cassie, "Can you get out of it?"
"No," Replied Karen, a feeling of certainty creeping back in to her voice. "If there's one thing I've got to do, it's to keep up the appearance that everything's normal. I would look far more suspicious if, when he is found, it could be proved that I had avoided contact with a representative of the law."
A while later when Karen left, Cassie and Roisin simply sat on the sofa where she'd left them. They remained silent for a long time.
"How could she do it?" Asked Roisin eventually, voicing their duplicate thought.
"Lauren's always been a bit different to the rest of us," Replied Cassie. "And even more so since the trial. But as you say, that's no reason for this."
"What're we going to do?"
"There's not much we can do," Replied Cassie with a determined air, "Except to be there when she needs us, because this isn't going to go away. You know that as well as I do."