Part One Hundred And One
Karen spent the rest of the day in a state of suspended animation. She got on with her tasks, sorted out minor problems on the wing, and outwardly maintained her usual professional exterior. But she was constantly, uncomfortably aware of the extraordinarily heavy weight of guilt tinged with loss pressing down on her. Cassie and Roisin had been right, part of her did miss Fenner. She missed the constant sparring, the way he could keep Di and Sylvia in order, and yes, she was forced to admit it, she did feel some regret for the good times she'd had with him. Oh, don't be so bloody stupid, she told herself furiously. He raped you, he took you for a fool on numerous occasions, you should be glad he's dead. She needed to grieve for Fenner properly, but now wasn't the time for that. Above all, she had to keep herself and if possible Yvonne out of the grasp of the law. This struck her as ironic. On Sunday afternoon, it had been Yvonne who was disposing of any evidence that linked her daughter to Fenner's body, yet that was where Yvonne's fear of the law seemed to stop. Yvonne was the convicted criminal. She knew what it would mean if any of them, Karen included, were to be found in possession of the knowledge that Fenner had been murdered. Yet it was she, Karen, who appeared to be the most concerned about their legal safety. She had a visit from Grayling in the middle of the afternoon, asking where Fenner was and wanting to know what Karen had done to try and find him. She simply had to tell him that they'd tried to contact Fenner at home, and that they'd got no reply. After all, what else could she do? When it came to the time she usually left for home, Karen half contemplated simply staying on, finding anything to keep her brain vaguely occupied. But she had to go, she had to see how Yvonne was doing.
When she drew up in front of Yvonne's, she could see that the Rover was utterly spotless. Yvonne must have extended her cleaning up after her daughter to the car. Karen paused for a moment, haunted by the thought that Fenner had possibly traveled to his last destination in that car. she shivered. She had to banish thoughts like that, especially in front of Yvonne. If Yvonne was ever aware of the confusing feelings of grief and occasional pity that Karen felt for Fenner's killing, she would feel thoroughly betrayed. How odd, thought Karen as she walked to the front door, but that right now, she seemed to be betraying everyone apart from the man himself. When she opened the door, Yvonne looked briefly surprised to see Karen on the doorstep.
"I wanted to see how you were," Said Karen, as she walked in, feeling that this was a pretty inane comment to have made.
"I'm knackered," Said Yvonne truthfully. "Lauren spent most of last night waking herself up from bad dreams."
"Hardly surprising," Said Karen.
"I feel like I'm repeating part of my life," continued Yvonne, moving towards her lounge. "Charlie did exactly the same thing. The first time he came home after doing something like that, he looked like he was on something. He used to say it gave him a buzz to have that much power over someone. But a high is always followed by a low, and Charlie had just as many nightmares as Lauren will. I didn't want her to go the same way as Charlie," Yvonne finally finished, the tears she'd kept from her daughter now allowed to spill over. Seeing that this was at least something she could begin to deal with, Karen took Yvonne's hand and led her to the sofa. They sat with their arms round each other, Karen gently trying to soothe away some of the pain, and Yvonne clinging on with dear life.
"I can't believe she did it," Said Yvonne between sobs. "She knows what I went through in prison, and she knows that Atkins doesn't automatically mean bad any more. Why the hell does she think I've gone straight ever since I got out? Apart from what we've got for our own protection, which I wouldn't have in the house if it wasn't absolutely necessary, we've stayed on the right side of the law. Ritchie was bad through and through, and I have to deal with enough guilt about him to last me a lifetime, but I wanted her to be different. She won't even talk to me about it."
"You need to give her time," Said Karen gently.
"I need to know what she did," Said Yvonne vehemently. "I need to know what my daughter is capable of." Karen reached for the box of tissues on the coffee table and handed them to Yvonne.
"What did you do with the gun?" She asked.
"It's lying at the bottom of the Thames," Said Yvonne succinctly. "Along with the spade she buried him with. I guess you saw the car when you arrived, there's not a single trace of Fenner left in there, not that I think there was to start with."
"And where's Lauren?"
"Asleep, the last time I looked in on her. She didn't get much last night so I knocked her out with one of my sleeping pills. She'll probably be awake soon though."
"Will you let me talk to her?" Asked Karen, not quite sure where the request had come from.
"Sure," Said Yvonne, "I can't promise how communicative she'll be though."
Karen made her way upstairs and approached Lauren's bedroom which overlooked the back of the house and gave her a beautiful view of the garden and swimming pool. Karen softly pushed the door open and sat down in the armchair next to Lauren's bed. Lauren was lying on her side with her back to Karen, but Karen knew that she wasn't asleep.
"Lauren," Karen said softly but firmly, "Turn over and talk to me." Capitulating without a second thought, Lauren turned over to face Karen.
"I thought you were Mum," She said, her voice still drowsy from the sedative Yvonne had given her mid morning.
"And why don't you want to talk to her?"
"She wants to know too much," Said Lauren resignedly. "She's got this weird idea that talking about what I did is likely to help. It never worked with dad, so why should it work with me. Besides, her overall concern seems to be about what I actually did, not how I feel about it." When Lauren said this, Karen was briefly reminded of Ritchie's slightly narcissistic way of expecting those around him to focus on him.
"And you think I don't?" Said Karen, knowing for certain now that she really didn't want to know what Lauren had done to Fenner.
"No," Replied Lauren, "Knowing the gory details isn't your style. The only reason you're here is because you want to know why, not how." Karen smiled slightly at Lauren's clear understanding, in spite of the after effects of sleeping pills.
"You said that Ritchie asked you to do it."
"Yeah, he did. He was so sorry about what he did to you. You might not believe it, but he was. You were something special to him, something different. At first, he thought he was just doing what Snowball needed him to do, to find a way for the gun to get in to Larkhall. But he got in too deep. He didn't expect to feel as much as he did for you."
"Can I see his letter?" Karen found herself asking, out of some nameless curiosity to fill in some of the gaps.
"Sure," Said Lauren, pointing to the dressing-table, where sat the familiar prison issue envelope. Karen walked over and picked it up, returning to her chair. Wondering quite what can of worms she was opening, she began to read.
"Dear Lauren,
You're probably more furious with me than Mum is right now. But you know me, I don't do a hard life. I never have, and now I never will. You probably think all this is my own fault, and yeah, I suppose most of it is. But that's another thing isn't it, us, the Atkins family, we don't do blame. Only, it ain't quite worked out like that. I can't ask Mum for what I need you to do, because she won't do it. She never was a real Atkins, only in name. But you and me, Lauren, we've got Charlie Atkins' blood in us all the way. Lauren, I need you to get rid of Fenner for me. Don't throw this away until you've read what I have to say. You were there through the whole of the trial like Mum was, so you heard that stupid wanker of a barrister we had first, trying to pull Karen Betts' evidence to shreds because of what I think he was told by Fenner. Lauren, Fenner did rape Karen, I know he did. You don't sleep with as many women as I have, without knowing when something just isn't right. Lauren, a bit of me loved her. I know that's not how it was supposed to be, but I did, probably still do. She didn't deserve what I did to her. But I can't put any of that right now. This is why I'm asking you to get Fenner out of the picture for good. I can't put right the things I've done, but if you'll do this one thing for me, I can take away one of the worst things that's ever happened to her. You know that Fenner deserves a dose of the Atkins justice as well as I do. Please do this for me, Lauren, please. Don't tell Mum I've asked you. She's stayed on the straight and narrow since she got out, and we both know she won't be in favour of doing what's right. But you're still my sister, and you weren't Charlie Atkins' protégé for nothing. The best shooter in the East End is my little sister.
I'm proud of you Sis,
Ritchie."
When Karen looked up after reading it through, she had tears in her eyes.
"Forgive and forget, that's my brother," Said Lauren dryly. "Especially when he wanted something, and he's right, I wasn't Charlie Atkins' favourite protégé for nothing. It doesn't mean I'm cut out for it, though. I probably look totally calm and collected to you, but I'm not. Doing what I did yesterday, has totally done me in, but that doesn't mean I regret it." Karen privately thought that Lauren looked a trifle insane, not calm and collected at all.
"Will you talk to Yvonne?" Asked Karen, her voice not feeling entirely her own.
"Yeah, just not today. We both need some decent sleep before we start on that one. Mum isn't going to let it rest until she knows everything, and right now, I haven't got the energy to even start, never mind finish."
"I don't know how to feel about this," Said Karen, not really knowing where that had come from.
"I know," Said Lauren, "And if I know Mum, how you feel about this is probably the last thing she can think about. I'm not asking you to be grateful or anything else equally as ridiculous to me for getting rid of Fenner. It was something Ritchie wanted me to do, and because it was his last request, I did it. That's all there is to it."
"How can you be so matter of fact about it?" Asked an utterly mystified Karen.
"You should have seen me last night," Replied Lauren, "I woke up screaming about four times because I thought it was him finishing me off, not the other way round. Some might call that divine retribution. I will give Mum the answers she wants, but not now." Karen got up to go.
"Will you be okay?" She asked Lauren, mentally kicking herself for the sheer ludicrousness of the enquiry.
"No, probably not for a long time," Replied Lauren. "Tell Mum to get some sleep, and I'll talk to her tomorrow." As Karen walked down the stairs, she wondered what it was that made some people frightened to their core by the committing of serious crime, and others take it as a day to day occurrence. Lauren was right, Yvonne was only an Atkins by name, but both Ritchie and Lauren were born with Atkins blood, part of the Atkins gene pool, and therefore destined in some way to fulfill the Atkins family traditions, no matter how far across that imperceptible line between right and wrong it would take them.
Karen spent the rest of the day in a state of suspended animation. She got on with her tasks, sorted out minor problems on the wing, and outwardly maintained her usual professional exterior. But she was constantly, uncomfortably aware of the extraordinarily heavy weight of guilt tinged with loss pressing down on her. Cassie and Roisin had been right, part of her did miss Fenner. She missed the constant sparring, the way he could keep Di and Sylvia in order, and yes, she was forced to admit it, she did feel some regret for the good times she'd had with him. Oh, don't be so bloody stupid, she told herself furiously. He raped you, he took you for a fool on numerous occasions, you should be glad he's dead. She needed to grieve for Fenner properly, but now wasn't the time for that. Above all, she had to keep herself and if possible Yvonne out of the grasp of the law. This struck her as ironic. On Sunday afternoon, it had been Yvonne who was disposing of any evidence that linked her daughter to Fenner's body, yet that was where Yvonne's fear of the law seemed to stop. Yvonne was the convicted criminal. She knew what it would mean if any of them, Karen included, were to be found in possession of the knowledge that Fenner had been murdered. Yet it was she, Karen, who appeared to be the most concerned about their legal safety. She had a visit from Grayling in the middle of the afternoon, asking where Fenner was and wanting to know what Karen had done to try and find him. She simply had to tell him that they'd tried to contact Fenner at home, and that they'd got no reply. After all, what else could she do? When it came to the time she usually left for home, Karen half contemplated simply staying on, finding anything to keep her brain vaguely occupied. But she had to go, she had to see how Yvonne was doing.
When she drew up in front of Yvonne's, she could see that the Rover was utterly spotless. Yvonne must have extended her cleaning up after her daughter to the car. Karen paused for a moment, haunted by the thought that Fenner had possibly traveled to his last destination in that car. she shivered. She had to banish thoughts like that, especially in front of Yvonne. If Yvonne was ever aware of the confusing feelings of grief and occasional pity that Karen felt for Fenner's killing, she would feel thoroughly betrayed. How odd, thought Karen as she walked to the front door, but that right now, she seemed to be betraying everyone apart from the man himself. When she opened the door, Yvonne looked briefly surprised to see Karen on the doorstep.
"I wanted to see how you were," Said Karen, as she walked in, feeling that this was a pretty inane comment to have made.
"I'm knackered," Said Yvonne truthfully. "Lauren spent most of last night waking herself up from bad dreams."
"Hardly surprising," Said Karen.
"I feel like I'm repeating part of my life," continued Yvonne, moving towards her lounge. "Charlie did exactly the same thing. The first time he came home after doing something like that, he looked like he was on something. He used to say it gave him a buzz to have that much power over someone. But a high is always followed by a low, and Charlie had just as many nightmares as Lauren will. I didn't want her to go the same way as Charlie," Yvonne finally finished, the tears she'd kept from her daughter now allowed to spill over. Seeing that this was at least something she could begin to deal with, Karen took Yvonne's hand and led her to the sofa. They sat with their arms round each other, Karen gently trying to soothe away some of the pain, and Yvonne clinging on with dear life.
"I can't believe she did it," Said Yvonne between sobs. "She knows what I went through in prison, and she knows that Atkins doesn't automatically mean bad any more. Why the hell does she think I've gone straight ever since I got out? Apart from what we've got for our own protection, which I wouldn't have in the house if it wasn't absolutely necessary, we've stayed on the right side of the law. Ritchie was bad through and through, and I have to deal with enough guilt about him to last me a lifetime, but I wanted her to be different. She won't even talk to me about it."
"You need to give her time," Said Karen gently.
"I need to know what she did," Said Yvonne vehemently. "I need to know what my daughter is capable of." Karen reached for the box of tissues on the coffee table and handed them to Yvonne.
"What did you do with the gun?" She asked.
"It's lying at the bottom of the Thames," Said Yvonne succinctly. "Along with the spade she buried him with. I guess you saw the car when you arrived, there's not a single trace of Fenner left in there, not that I think there was to start with."
"And where's Lauren?"
"Asleep, the last time I looked in on her. She didn't get much last night so I knocked her out with one of my sleeping pills. She'll probably be awake soon though."
"Will you let me talk to her?" Asked Karen, not quite sure where the request had come from.
"Sure," Said Yvonne, "I can't promise how communicative she'll be though."
Karen made her way upstairs and approached Lauren's bedroom which overlooked the back of the house and gave her a beautiful view of the garden and swimming pool. Karen softly pushed the door open and sat down in the armchair next to Lauren's bed. Lauren was lying on her side with her back to Karen, but Karen knew that she wasn't asleep.
"Lauren," Karen said softly but firmly, "Turn over and talk to me." Capitulating without a second thought, Lauren turned over to face Karen.
"I thought you were Mum," She said, her voice still drowsy from the sedative Yvonne had given her mid morning.
"And why don't you want to talk to her?"
"She wants to know too much," Said Lauren resignedly. "She's got this weird idea that talking about what I did is likely to help. It never worked with dad, so why should it work with me. Besides, her overall concern seems to be about what I actually did, not how I feel about it." When Lauren said this, Karen was briefly reminded of Ritchie's slightly narcissistic way of expecting those around him to focus on him.
"And you think I don't?" Said Karen, knowing for certain now that she really didn't want to know what Lauren had done to Fenner.
"No," Replied Lauren, "Knowing the gory details isn't your style. The only reason you're here is because you want to know why, not how." Karen smiled slightly at Lauren's clear understanding, in spite of the after effects of sleeping pills.
"You said that Ritchie asked you to do it."
"Yeah, he did. He was so sorry about what he did to you. You might not believe it, but he was. You were something special to him, something different. At first, he thought he was just doing what Snowball needed him to do, to find a way for the gun to get in to Larkhall. But he got in too deep. He didn't expect to feel as much as he did for you."
"Can I see his letter?" Karen found herself asking, out of some nameless curiosity to fill in some of the gaps.
"Sure," Said Lauren, pointing to the dressing-table, where sat the familiar prison issue envelope. Karen walked over and picked it up, returning to her chair. Wondering quite what can of worms she was opening, she began to read.
"Dear Lauren,
You're probably more furious with me than Mum is right now. But you know me, I don't do a hard life. I never have, and now I never will. You probably think all this is my own fault, and yeah, I suppose most of it is. But that's another thing isn't it, us, the Atkins family, we don't do blame. Only, it ain't quite worked out like that. I can't ask Mum for what I need you to do, because she won't do it. She never was a real Atkins, only in name. But you and me, Lauren, we've got Charlie Atkins' blood in us all the way. Lauren, I need you to get rid of Fenner for me. Don't throw this away until you've read what I have to say. You were there through the whole of the trial like Mum was, so you heard that stupid wanker of a barrister we had first, trying to pull Karen Betts' evidence to shreds because of what I think he was told by Fenner. Lauren, Fenner did rape Karen, I know he did. You don't sleep with as many women as I have, without knowing when something just isn't right. Lauren, a bit of me loved her. I know that's not how it was supposed to be, but I did, probably still do. She didn't deserve what I did to her. But I can't put any of that right now. This is why I'm asking you to get Fenner out of the picture for good. I can't put right the things I've done, but if you'll do this one thing for me, I can take away one of the worst things that's ever happened to her. You know that Fenner deserves a dose of the Atkins justice as well as I do. Please do this for me, Lauren, please. Don't tell Mum I've asked you. She's stayed on the straight and narrow since she got out, and we both know she won't be in favour of doing what's right. But you're still my sister, and you weren't Charlie Atkins' protégé for nothing. The best shooter in the East End is my little sister.
I'm proud of you Sis,
Ritchie."
When Karen looked up after reading it through, she had tears in her eyes.
"Forgive and forget, that's my brother," Said Lauren dryly. "Especially when he wanted something, and he's right, I wasn't Charlie Atkins' favourite protégé for nothing. It doesn't mean I'm cut out for it, though. I probably look totally calm and collected to you, but I'm not. Doing what I did yesterday, has totally done me in, but that doesn't mean I regret it." Karen privately thought that Lauren looked a trifle insane, not calm and collected at all.
"Will you talk to Yvonne?" Asked Karen, her voice not feeling entirely her own.
"Yeah, just not today. We both need some decent sleep before we start on that one. Mum isn't going to let it rest until she knows everything, and right now, I haven't got the energy to even start, never mind finish."
"I don't know how to feel about this," Said Karen, not really knowing where that had come from.
"I know," Said Lauren, "And if I know Mum, how you feel about this is probably the last thing she can think about. I'm not asking you to be grateful or anything else equally as ridiculous to me for getting rid of Fenner. It was something Ritchie wanted me to do, and because it was his last request, I did it. That's all there is to it."
"How can you be so matter of fact about it?" Asked an utterly mystified Karen.
"You should have seen me last night," Replied Lauren, "I woke up screaming about four times because I thought it was him finishing me off, not the other way round. Some might call that divine retribution. I will give Mum the answers she wants, but not now." Karen got up to go.
"Will you be okay?" She asked Lauren, mentally kicking herself for the sheer ludicrousness of the enquiry.
"No, probably not for a long time," Replied Lauren. "Tell Mum to get some sleep, and I'll talk to her tomorrow." As Karen walked down the stairs, she wondered what it was that made some people frightened to their core by the committing of serious crime, and others take it as a day to day occurrence. Lauren was right, Yvonne was only an Atkins by name, but both Ritchie and Lauren were born with Atkins blood, part of the Atkins gene pool, and therefore destined in some way to fulfill the Atkins family traditions, no matter how far across that imperceptible line between right and wrong it would take them.