Part One Hundred and Six
Cassie and Roisin were lazing together on the comfortable settee, cuddled up with the children after a normal Thursday evening after work. They had eaten their fill and they all had a mellow contented feeling when they all watched children's television together. The inevitable grotesque cartoon characters and loud voices washed over them all in a comforting cocoon to take the edge off the day. This was part of the fabric of their children centred universe and their brief holidays from it, of sampling the decadent lifestyle at Yvonne's house and everything that went with it was lived to the full. As this time was so limited, it was all the more precious to them.
Tom and Jerry was the ultimate electronic corny cosy Americanised TV junk fare as inevitable and universal as McDonalds takeaways, an inescapable part of modern childhood. Michael and Niamh, of course loved it and the more recent creations and were glued to their seats in fascination. They were all watching Jerry the mouse as he escaped from his cosy mousehole and scooted at great speed across the enormous front room. The next second, Tom, the cat, picked up his six shooter and with glee sent a series of shots after Jerry which whistled past him but miraculously failed to hit him.
Cassie shuddered as the symbolism of the gun made her go cold inside. She had watched this cartoon when she was little which, ordinarily, something like this ought to have made her feel more comfortable. Since Karen had come round to see them to tell them of Fenner's death, their world had been knocked askew. Yet relatively speaking, they were at the edge of a growing whirlpool which they sensed spinning around to the side of them.
Presently, the six o'clock news broke in with its staccato music to command the nation's attention and its handed down agenda of relative importance of what was supposedly going on all around them.
"Jordan signs up for her first film role," came the dramatic glamorous news headlines as announced in split second images of the pouting lips and big breasts of everyone's front page sense of importance as she stepped out from the expensive studio offices, smiling for the flashing news cameras. An appropriately grim note was struck when the Chancellor of the Exchequer warned of the danger of above inflation pay rises. The grey suited man's mouth opened and closed voicelessly in sonorous tones to Cassie and Roisin while Niamh and Michael wriggled in boredom wondering why mum and Cassie forced this grown up torture on them that made no sense to them. The last news item was David Blunkett, the Home Secretary being pleased to announce that the three months crime figures showing a significant average seven percent downturn in violent crime figures of all kinds. "This country is at last becoming a more law abiding Christian society where those who are tempted to break the law think twice about it for fear of being caught."
"Let's switch channels, eh, kids," Cassie said, clicking the button on the remote control. "It's boring, isn't it?"
The children were surprised and pleased by the unexpected reprieve. Roisin's basically serious outlook on life was the main mover in watching serious programmes but tonight she made not the slightest objection. Cassie's basically carefree, child like nature was naturally more in tune with the children but it had been modified by her deep love for Roisin which educated her to ideas which her basically lazy nature would not have picked up on unless she were forced too. Cassie had become a 'born for the first time ' responsible grown up, well at least some of the time.
What the children could not see was the TV news item which never appeared that night but which Cassie and Roisin had dreaded would break, if not that night then it would the night after. There was a vivid wide screen news footage transmitted but only inside both Cassie's and Roisin's troubled minds. It was only a matter of time before it would happen. Their awareness of the enormity of what a small handful of them knew but the world didn't, scared them.
"Police are searching for the killer of the Prison Officer, James Fenner who mysteriously disappeared last Sunday after going out for a drink with his friends. The body was recently discovered and various lines of investigations are being followed. The likeliest theory is that the murderer is someone who is connected with a present or past prisoner at Larkhall Prison where he had worked for many years…….."
"Right, kids," Cassie suddenly broke in, "Have you any homework to do tonight?"
Michael and Niamh exchanged glances. As it happened, there was no homework set tonight and they had anticipated a lazy evening in with nothing much to do as mum and Cassie were never known to take them anywhere mid week. Both shook their heads.
"Then how do you fancy seeing Auntie Yvonne and Auntie Lauren tonight?"
Both of them yelled their noisy approval. To them, it was like going on a foreign holiday on their doorstep with grownups who were kind and good fun. They didn't talk down to them like some grownups did but told the funniest jokes around. The house was a place of wonder, chock full of all the latest gadgets and rooms to play in and, in the summer, the sun seemed hotter by their swimming pool than in their own back garden. The huge grounds provided a marvellous area to explore and their dog, Trigger, was so cute. They had once tried begging and pleading with mum and Cassie to take Trigger home with them, having planned in detail where he could sleep, but they had firmly declined.
Roisin raised her eyebrows at Cassie's suggestion but made no objection. They had not wished to make contact with Yvonne and Lauren in the first few days, having witnessed the spectacular verbal fireworks between them when Ritchie had died and had waited for them to phone. Cassie had thought that someone had to make the first move so it might as well be them as anyone.
"You don't normally take us out on a school night," Niamh piped up, her enquiring mind occasionally asking awkward questions.
"This is a little treat, children, because you're so good. Cassie and I suddenly thought of this tonight. Mind you, we have to make sure that we're back for bedtime so get ready, now," Roisin intervened, her concerned mum approach sounding authentic.
"I'll phone her up and let them know we're coming, Roash," Cassie offered casually though she was by no means certain just what sort of frame of mind they would be in.
Yvonne and Lauren had started to make an effort to pretend to each other that everything had blown over. Neither of them wanted to even deal with the possibility that Fenner's murder would come to light. They had done their best to cover up the crime and now it was time to pretend to move on. By tacit conspiracy, they somehow managed it that they never saw the news on the television and police dramas where the perfect crime was committed but some small mistake led to the criminal being caught in the last five minutes was scrupulously avoided. Keep it light, both of them thought and even the most rubbish game show was not all bad.
The atmosphere between them reverted to something like the days when Lauren came to visit Yvonne in prison and she had to be the sensible grown up who carried all the responsibility and was making an extra special effort to cheer Yvonne up. There was a resemblance in another way as both of them had the instinct to lie low within the house for a while and not to flaunt their presence to the outside world. Instead of the carefree thought of grabbing a car and driving out and about the neighbourhood, an invisible set of prison bars seemed to close down on both of them. The autumn nights were drawing in now and the dazzling hot summer of lying out by the pool was a thing of the past. There was an underlying feeling of claustrophobia and tension underneath the surface.
Yvonne had picked up the call earlier from Cassie asking if it was all right to come over and, don't worry, that they had heard from Karen what had happened.
"Sure," Yvonne exhaled down the phone an audible breath of relief. "Don't worry, it's perfectly safe to come over. There isn't open warfare here like you might fear. Lauren hasn't grown two bleeding heads overnight. It sounds like a load of bollocks, but she's been acting more grown up in recent days."
"We know, Yvonne. Do you mind if we bring the kids over?" Cassie could detect the universal defensive tone of every mother standing up for their own.
Yvonne's spirits lifted in an instant. What she could do with right now was a bit of innocent company from Cassie and Roisin's kids as a complete change from the emotional fallout from Fenner's killing.
"We would love to see them. It would make us feel bleeding normal again," Yvonne's soft tones expressed all her yearning for that indefinable feeling of safety and normality that they had lost that night.
Trigger had started barking and wagging his tail in excitement just before the sounds of an approaching car could be heard. He nosed the front door open when Lauren had barely turned the handle and the very welcome sight of a familiar car as it drew up on the drive made the presence of close friends all the more welcome. They both blinked at the unfamiliar fresh air and the last of the sunlight.
"Auntie Lauren," Niamh's childish voice piped up to be greeted by a very tender smile from the younger woman. No matter what, she was still the children's favourite. She needed to cling onto that thought. Trigger, of course, gently inserted himself between the two human beings, not to be done out of being made a fuss over and both of them patted and stroked him. He was restored to what he felt was his rightful place in the pack.
Yvonne squinted at the unexpected sunlight and cool fresh air on her skin. Her eyes darted round to take in the distant views of any sights and sounds of the Old Bill heading in their direction.
"Hey, what's wrong, Yvonne?" Cassie enquired, picking up on the other woman's nervousness and background fear. She seemed not entirely well to her and, underneath her make up, pale and washed out."
"It's nothing, Cassie. Just a bleeding cold. Even Atkins can get colds from time to time, you know," She replied a little brusquely and fooling no one.
"If I were your GP, I'd say you are suffering from an overdose of nobbing policemen, or the fear of them," Cassie replied in her blunt way. "You can't stay indoors all of the bloody time."
Yvonne smiled wholeheartedly and hugged the smaller woman. She needed that sort of tough love from a friend who really cared for her. She clung on to her for what seemed a long time.
"You're right, Cassie. Do you want to go out to a pub where they allow children."
"Perhaps another time, Yvonne. We'll go in later as it's getting chilly outside. But mind you, we'll be checking up on you two from time to time," Roisin broke in, her motherly tone bossing her around as much as any of her children's friends. That ability acquired over the years was inwardly welcomed by Yvonne and was the kick up the backside that she wanted to give her a sense of direction.
"You're the boss, Roisin," Came the smiling joking, yet respectful response.
"We really came here to find out how you are both going on and to tell you that we are here for you whatever happens." Roisin's words, spoken with all her gentle yet intense warmth brought a tear or two to Yvonne's eyes.
Lauren found a couple of huge mugs and sloshed out a generous measure of the children's favourite Diet Coke and chattered away to them. She was bright faced and lively, cracking new jokes to the children, for the first time since she had last seen them. She could almost forget the darkness of so many weeks of her life that had obsessed her and held her in a vice like grip. Surely it wasn't too late to break free from that?
Yvonne smiled affectionately at Lauren, seeing in her excited manner the child that she had known and loved. She had always felt close to her from when she was a baby and seen her big guileless eyes somehow filled with wisdom look back at her. She had so many dreams for her future, Lauren and her 'little angel.' It had held at bay some of the ugliness of her life in 'standing by her man' in the way he was so high and tough when he had murdered someone and he had called out to her at night to his 'Eevie' when his sweating nightmares called out to her to comfort him. No one ever called her 'Eevie' any more and perhaps it was as well. That name had died along with Charlie.
"Hey kids," Yvonne talked to the children. "Will you let Auntie Yvonne tell you some new jokes? I do them better than Lauren." She smiled at Lauren who grinned back. Both had that buoyant lift of the spirits which the company of close and trusted friends had brought with them. This was like the old times without having to be in prison. Two tiny hands grabbed her own and, laughingly, she was pulled after them as they clattered their way to another room. She sat them both on her lap and their childish shining innocent eyes made her desire so much to be worthy of them. She knew that she could entertain them as, once you developed the knack, it was as easy as falling off a log.
"So you two think I'm some kind of mad woman and that I messed up?" Lauren asked Cassie with a hint of aggression in her voice.
Cassie did not react with anger as she could see the self torture that lay below the surface.
"I don't think that a prick like Fenner is worth killing if anything bad will happen to you. I'd miss going out clubbing with you, anyway," Cassie finished lightly.
"You are both going to be all right with your kids and everything. You're not going to end up doing anything self destructive like the Atkins family does. We're not that big and tough," Lauren's wierdly spiralling mood had dragged her mood downwards into that sense of blackness and despair.
"It wasn't always that way, Lauren. You forget that both of us have done time. I used to have a five figure salary, company car, penthouse flat. I had it all, once. The only thing was that I got a combined credit card and coke habit. Coke was a clean drug or so I thought and I got greedy for more money than I was earning. I hit on this clever idea of scamming the company and pressured Roash to cover up the accounts for me. Between the two of us, I felt we couldn't lose. I got as much of a high out of the scam as doing coke and lived in an unreal world even though I thought I knew what I was doing. Somehow living dangerously and spending recklessly made sense to me and I felt that I was superwoman and I could do no wrong. If you think in that coked up way, you're heading for a fall. That's when some interfering, nobbing jobsworth did a spot check on the company accounts and we were outed. The next thing I knew, there was a knock on the door after work when I was going to get glammed up to see Roash, only it was the police. I was wearing my best power dressing blue suit when we were taken through the gates of Larkhall for the first time."
"And if you think that I'm a respectable Irishwoman, Lauren, then just remember the Roisin Connor who sold everything she had to buy uppers and downers, anything to kill the pain of not having the children around," Roisin cut in, gesturing to Niamh and Michael who, to Lauren, looked as if they had always been around both of them and forever would be. Thanks to Charlie, the flavour of the shifting of heroin and cocaine in bulk through the veins and arteries of his criminal network had tainted the family as much as it had given them their luxurious lifestyle. What it meant in terms of the brutal physical pain and degradation had never confronted her, face to face.
"I lied over and over again to Cassie as I was ashamed of myself but I couldn't face life without that crutch and, in the end, after swearing never to use needles, I did. I couldn't even blame Al McKenzie for it. It was written all over my face when I asked her for heroin the first time in the women's toilets at Larkhall." Roisin's pained voice recalled her own darkness of mood for the first time since she had cleaned up. "Somehow, when I looked down at her in the witness box when we were all sat together in the visitor's gallery that day, she wasn't the same woman and neither was I."
Lauren's eyes were wide open in shock while Cassie and Roisin spoke so passionately from the shared pain of their past. No matter how tough and streetwise she pretended to be, she had always been a visitor to Larkhall. She had gone through the petty bureaucracy of queuing up and waiting to visit her mother and verbally sparring with the likes of Bodybag and Fenner, the very dead Fenner, in the visitor's room She had been the outside contact when Josh had met her in the Larkhall Arms and done her drug deals. She had even smuggled Julie J's kids into Larkhall so that they could talk to their mother and had seen them dragged away by that cow Bodybag. She had felt that she had almost been at Larkhall herself, except that when visitor's time had ended, she would be allowed to drive away back to this house. Now, she knew that the moment that she had fired that fatal shot and had shoveled the earth on Fenner's grave, she had lost that sense of invulnerability even though she had not known it at the time. She just had to trust to Atkins luck from now on.
"It's been good of you to come out and see us. You don't know how much you've helped us," Yvonne said, her tenderness unashamedly on the surface as the children.
"You would have done the same to us if we were in trouble, Yvonne. You really don't know how even getting a bollocking from you in Larkhall made us grow up. We'd never met anyone like you till we got to Larkhall. That dump at least did something good for us," Cassie replied, the look in her eyes showing total love and respect.
A slightly drunken Lauren came out and threw her arms round first Cassie and then Roisin and kissed them each. The way that they had told her their moments of most pain and degradation at Larkhall flooded her full of emotion and gratitude. She knew how busy they were and many times over, she wished them a safe journey.
"We'll be thinking of you, won't we," Cassie's light, flippant yet very reassuring voice and reassuring smile was left behind in their spirits long after their car had turned its way down the drive and off down the road to the sort of peace and harmony that both Yvonne and Lauren now realised was so taken for granted but all the more precious.
Cassie and Roisin were lazing together on the comfortable settee, cuddled up with the children after a normal Thursday evening after work. They had eaten their fill and they all had a mellow contented feeling when they all watched children's television together. The inevitable grotesque cartoon characters and loud voices washed over them all in a comforting cocoon to take the edge off the day. This was part of the fabric of their children centred universe and their brief holidays from it, of sampling the decadent lifestyle at Yvonne's house and everything that went with it was lived to the full. As this time was so limited, it was all the more precious to them.
Tom and Jerry was the ultimate electronic corny cosy Americanised TV junk fare as inevitable and universal as McDonalds takeaways, an inescapable part of modern childhood. Michael and Niamh, of course loved it and the more recent creations and were glued to their seats in fascination. They were all watching Jerry the mouse as he escaped from his cosy mousehole and scooted at great speed across the enormous front room. The next second, Tom, the cat, picked up his six shooter and with glee sent a series of shots after Jerry which whistled past him but miraculously failed to hit him.
Cassie shuddered as the symbolism of the gun made her go cold inside. She had watched this cartoon when she was little which, ordinarily, something like this ought to have made her feel more comfortable. Since Karen had come round to see them to tell them of Fenner's death, their world had been knocked askew. Yet relatively speaking, they were at the edge of a growing whirlpool which they sensed spinning around to the side of them.
Presently, the six o'clock news broke in with its staccato music to command the nation's attention and its handed down agenda of relative importance of what was supposedly going on all around them.
"Jordan signs up for her first film role," came the dramatic glamorous news headlines as announced in split second images of the pouting lips and big breasts of everyone's front page sense of importance as she stepped out from the expensive studio offices, smiling for the flashing news cameras. An appropriately grim note was struck when the Chancellor of the Exchequer warned of the danger of above inflation pay rises. The grey suited man's mouth opened and closed voicelessly in sonorous tones to Cassie and Roisin while Niamh and Michael wriggled in boredom wondering why mum and Cassie forced this grown up torture on them that made no sense to them. The last news item was David Blunkett, the Home Secretary being pleased to announce that the three months crime figures showing a significant average seven percent downturn in violent crime figures of all kinds. "This country is at last becoming a more law abiding Christian society where those who are tempted to break the law think twice about it for fear of being caught."
"Let's switch channels, eh, kids," Cassie said, clicking the button on the remote control. "It's boring, isn't it?"
The children were surprised and pleased by the unexpected reprieve. Roisin's basically serious outlook on life was the main mover in watching serious programmes but tonight she made not the slightest objection. Cassie's basically carefree, child like nature was naturally more in tune with the children but it had been modified by her deep love for Roisin which educated her to ideas which her basically lazy nature would not have picked up on unless she were forced too. Cassie had become a 'born for the first time ' responsible grown up, well at least some of the time.
What the children could not see was the TV news item which never appeared that night but which Cassie and Roisin had dreaded would break, if not that night then it would the night after. There was a vivid wide screen news footage transmitted but only inside both Cassie's and Roisin's troubled minds. It was only a matter of time before it would happen. Their awareness of the enormity of what a small handful of them knew but the world didn't, scared them.
"Police are searching for the killer of the Prison Officer, James Fenner who mysteriously disappeared last Sunday after going out for a drink with his friends. The body was recently discovered and various lines of investigations are being followed. The likeliest theory is that the murderer is someone who is connected with a present or past prisoner at Larkhall Prison where he had worked for many years…….."
"Right, kids," Cassie suddenly broke in, "Have you any homework to do tonight?"
Michael and Niamh exchanged glances. As it happened, there was no homework set tonight and they had anticipated a lazy evening in with nothing much to do as mum and Cassie were never known to take them anywhere mid week. Both shook their heads.
"Then how do you fancy seeing Auntie Yvonne and Auntie Lauren tonight?"
Both of them yelled their noisy approval. To them, it was like going on a foreign holiday on their doorstep with grownups who were kind and good fun. They didn't talk down to them like some grownups did but told the funniest jokes around. The house was a place of wonder, chock full of all the latest gadgets and rooms to play in and, in the summer, the sun seemed hotter by their swimming pool than in their own back garden. The huge grounds provided a marvellous area to explore and their dog, Trigger, was so cute. They had once tried begging and pleading with mum and Cassie to take Trigger home with them, having planned in detail where he could sleep, but they had firmly declined.
Roisin raised her eyebrows at Cassie's suggestion but made no objection. They had not wished to make contact with Yvonne and Lauren in the first few days, having witnessed the spectacular verbal fireworks between them when Ritchie had died and had waited for them to phone. Cassie had thought that someone had to make the first move so it might as well be them as anyone.
"You don't normally take us out on a school night," Niamh piped up, her enquiring mind occasionally asking awkward questions.
"This is a little treat, children, because you're so good. Cassie and I suddenly thought of this tonight. Mind you, we have to make sure that we're back for bedtime so get ready, now," Roisin intervened, her concerned mum approach sounding authentic.
"I'll phone her up and let them know we're coming, Roash," Cassie offered casually though she was by no means certain just what sort of frame of mind they would be in.
Yvonne and Lauren had started to make an effort to pretend to each other that everything had blown over. Neither of them wanted to even deal with the possibility that Fenner's murder would come to light. They had done their best to cover up the crime and now it was time to pretend to move on. By tacit conspiracy, they somehow managed it that they never saw the news on the television and police dramas where the perfect crime was committed but some small mistake led to the criminal being caught in the last five minutes was scrupulously avoided. Keep it light, both of them thought and even the most rubbish game show was not all bad.
The atmosphere between them reverted to something like the days when Lauren came to visit Yvonne in prison and she had to be the sensible grown up who carried all the responsibility and was making an extra special effort to cheer Yvonne up. There was a resemblance in another way as both of them had the instinct to lie low within the house for a while and not to flaunt their presence to the outside world. Instead of the carefree thought of grabbing a car and driving out and about the neighbourhood, an invisible set of prison bars seemed to close down on both of them. The autumn nights were drawing in now and the dazzling hot summer of lying out by the pool was a thing of the past. There was an underlying feeling of claustrophobia and tension underneath the surface.
Yvonne had picked up the call earlier from Cassie asking if it was all right to come over and, don't worry, that they had heard from Karen what had happened.
"Sure," Yvonne exhaled down the phone an audible breath of relief. "Don't worry, it's perfectly safe to come over. There isn't open warfare here like you might fear. Lauren hasn't grown two bleeding heads overnight. It sounds like a load of bollocks, but she's been acting more grown up in recent days."
"We know, Yvonne. Do you mind if we bring the kids over?" Cassie could detect the universal defensive tone of every mother standing up for their own.
Yvonne's spirits lifted in an instant. What she could do with right now was a bit of innocent company from Cassie and Roisin's kids as a complete change from the emotional fallout from Fenner's killing.
"We would love to see them. It would make us feel bleeding normal again," Yvonne's soft tones expressed all her yearning for that indefinable feeling of safety and normality that they had lost that night.
Trigger had started barking and wagging his tail in excitement just before the sounds of an approaching car could be heard. He nosed the front door open when Lauren had barely turned the handle and the very welcome sight of a familiar car as it drew up on the drive made the presence of close friends all the more welcome. They both blinked at the unfamiliar fresh air and the last of the sunlight.
"Auntie Lauren," Niamh's childish voice piped up to be greeted by a very tender smile from the younger woman. No matter what, she was still the children's favourite. She needed to cling onto that thought. Trigger, of course, gently inserted himself between the two human beings, not to be done out of being made a fuss over and both of them patted and stroked him. He was restored to what he felt was his rightful place in the pack.
Yvonne squinted at the unexpected sunlight and cool fresh air on her skin. Her eyes darted round to take in the distant views of any sights and sounds of the Old Bill heading in their direction.
"Hey, what's wrong, Yvonne?" Cassie enquired, picking up on the other woman's nervousness and background fear. She seemed not entirely well to her and, underneath her make up, pale and washed out."
"It's nothing, Cassie. Just a bleeding cold. Even Atkins can get colds from time to time, you know," She replied a little brusquely and fooling no one.
"If I were your GP, I'd say you are suffering from an overdose of nobbing policemen, or the fear of them," Cassie replied in her blunt way. "You can't stay indoors all of the bloody time."
Yvonne smiled wholeheartedly and hugged the smaller woman. She needed that sort of tough love from a friend who really cared for her. She clung on to her for what seemed a long time.
"You're right, Cassie. Do you want to go out to a pub where they allow children."
"Perhaps another time, Yvonne. We'll go in later as it's getting chilly outside. But mind you, we'll be checking up on you two from time to time," Roisin broke in, her motherly tone bossing her around as much as any of her children's friends. That ability acquired over the years was inwardly welcomed by Yvonne and was the kick up the backside that she wanted to give her a sense of direction.
"You're the boss, Roisin," Came the smiling joking, yet respectful response.
"We really came here to find out how you are both going on and to tell you that we are here for you whatever happens." Roisin's words, spoken with all her gentle yet intense warmth brought a tear or two to Yvonne's eyes.
Lauren found a couple of huge mugs and sloshed out a generous measure of the children's favourite Diet Coke and chattered away to them. She was bright faced and lively, cracking new jokes to the children, for the first time since she had last seen them. She could almost forget the darkness of so many weeks of her life that had obsessed her and held her in a vice like grip. Surely it wasn't too late to break free from that?
Yvonne smiled affectionately at Lauren, seeing in her excited manner the child that she had known and loved. She had always felt close to her from when she was a baby and seen her big guileless eyes somehow filled with wisdom look back at her. She had so many dreams for her future, Lauren and her 'little angel.' It had held at bay some of the ugliness of her life in 'standing by her man' in the way he was so high and tough when he had murdered someone and he had called out to her at night to his 'Eevie' when his sweating nightmares called out to her to comfort him. No one ever called her 'Eevie' any more and perhaps it was as well. That name had died along with Charlie.
"Hey kids," Yvonne talked to the children. "Will you let Auntie Yvonne tell you some new jokes? I do them better than Lauren." She smiled at Lauren who grinned back. Both had that buoyant lift of the spirits which the company of close and trusted friends had brought with them. This was like the old times without having to be in prison. Two tiny hands grabbed her own and, laughingly, she was pulled after them as they clattered their way to another room. She sat them both on her lap and their childish shining innocent eyes made her desire so much to be worthy of them. She knew that she could entertain them as, once you developed the knack, it was as easy as falling off a log.
"So you two think I'm some kind of mad woman and that I messed up?" Lauren asked Cassie with a hint of aggression in her voice.
Cassie did not react with anger as she could see the self torture that lay below the surface.
"I don't think that a prick like Fenner is worth killing if anything bad will happen to you. I'd miss going out clubbing with you, anyway," Cassie finished lightly.
"You are both going to be all right with your kids and everything. You're not going to end up doing anything self destructive like the Atkins family does. We're not that big and tough," Lauren's wierdly spiralling mood had dragged her mood downwards into that sense of blackness and despair.
"It wasn't always that way, Lauren. You forget that both of us have done time. I used to have a five figure salary, company car, penthouse flat. I had it all, once. The only thing was that I got a combined credit card and coke habit. Coke was a clean drug or so I thought and I got greedy for more money than I was earning. I hit on this clever idea of scamming the company and pressured Roash to cover up the accounts for me. Between the two of us, I felt we couldn't lose. I got as much of a high out of the scam as doing coke and lived in an unreal world even though I thought I knew what I was doing. Somehow living dangerously and spending recklessly made sense to me and I felt that I was superwoman and I could do no wrong. If you think in that coked up way, you're heading for a fall. That's when some interfering, nobbing jobsworth did a spot check on the company accounts and we were outed. The next thing I knew, there was a knock on the door after work when I was going to get glammed up to see Roash, only it was the police. I was wearing my best power dressing blue suit when we were taken through the gates of Larkhall for the first time."
"And if you think that I'm a respectable Irishwoman, Lauren, then just remember the Roisin Connor who sold everything she had to buy uppers and downers, anything to kill the pain of not having the children around," Roisin cut in, gesturing to Niamh and Michael who, to Lauren, looked as if they had always been around both of them and forever would be. Thanks to Charlie, the flavour of the shifting of heroin and cocaine in bulk through the veins and arteries of his criminal network had tainted the family as much as it had given them their luxurious lifestyle. What it meant in terms of the brutal physical pain and degradation had never confronted her, face to face.
"I lied over and over again to Cassie as I was ashamed of myself but I couldn't face life without that crutch and, in the end, after swearing never to use needles, I did. I couldn't even blame Al McKenzie for it. It was written all over my face when I asked her for heroin the first time in the women's toilets at Larkhall." Roisin's pained voice recalled her own darkness of mood for the first time since she had cleaned up. "Somehow, when I looked down at her in the witness box when we were all sat together in the visitor's gallery that day, she wasn't the same woman and neither was I."
Lauren's eyes were wide open in shock while Cassie and Roisin spoke so passionately from the shared pain of their past. No matter how tough and streetwise she pretended to be, she had always been a visitor to Larkhall. She had gone through the petty bureaucracy of queuing up and waiting to visit her mother and verbally sparring with the likes of Bodybag and Fenner, the very dead Fenner, in the visitor's room She had been the outside contact when Josh had met her in the Larkhall Arms and done her drug deals. She had even smuggled Julie J's kids into Larkhall so that they could talk to their mother and had seen them dragged away by that cow Bodybag. She had felt that she had almost been at Larkhall herself, except that when visitor's time had ended, she would be allowed to drive away back to this house. Now, she knew that the moment that she had fired that fatal shot and had shoveled the earth on Fenner's grave, she had lost that sense of invulnerability even though she had not known it at the time. She just had to trust to Atkins luck from now on.
"It's been good of you to come out and see us. You don't know how much you've helped us," Yvonne said, her tenderness unashamedly on the surface as the children.
"You would have done the same to us if we were in trouble, Yvonne. You really don't know how even getting a bollocking from you in Larkhall made us grow up. We'd never met anyone like you till we got to Larkhall. That dump at least did something good for us," Cassie replied, the look in her eyes showing total love and respect.
A slightly drunken Lauren came out and threw her arms round first Cassie and then Roisin and kissed them each. The way that they had told her their moments of most pain and degradation at Larkhall flooded her full of emotion and gratitude. She knew how busy they were and many times over, she wished them a safe journey.
"We'll be thinking of you, won't we," Cassie's light, flippant yet very reassuring voice and reassuring smile was left behind in their spirits long after their car had turned its way down the drive and off down the road to the sort of peace and harmony that both Yvonne and Lauren now realised was so taken for granted but all the more precious.