Part One Hundred and Eighteen
"I'm going to Cassie's and Roisin's, mum. Be back sometime." Lauren's carrying voice trailed down the length of the house to the lounge and just fell short of Yvonne's hearing distance.
"You what, Lauren? Shout out louder," Yvonne's stentorian voice stopped Lauren as she had opened the front door.
Sucking in a deep intake of air to the bottom of her lungs, Lauren opted for brevity.
"Cassie and Roisin's. Remember?"
"Well don't get too pissed when you go out clubbing." Yvonne gave up the battle and made the best possible guess as to what Lauren said.
Sighing, Lauren slammed the door hard and strode out to her car. She was a woman on a mission.
Lauren had heard from Yvonne about her argument with Cassie and strong feelings of guilt and a sense of urgency ran through her, making her tense and edgy. She knew very well that her period of fixated madness had been directly responsible for the break up between her mum and Karen. She now felt that Karen was the partner that her mother was destined to settle down with. It was just that, at the time, she was totally wierded out by the whole idea of her mother with another woman. She realised that she had been imprisoned by the unthinking acceptance of the rigid family values that this wasn't the sort of thing that the Atkins family did. The female Atkins honesty pushed her into concluding that the other reason for her hostility to Karen was that, as she saw it, she identified Karen as a screw, the same as the Old Bill and the Atkins and their friends didn't socialise with the Old Bill, much less go to bed with them. She had lost her brother who was a confused focus of her feelings now that, too late, she felt that she could talk to, Having messed up so far with two people's lives, all her feelings of urgency were focussed on heading off an impending fracture of relationships with another very real source of emotional nurturing.
She had an easy going comfortable relationship with Cassie and Roisin with whom she could be herself and be 'Auntie Lauren' to their two children. With the gathering clouds looming over her, she dare not lose this now. All this gave a heightened emotional edge in her urge to go over to them, to apologise to them if need be and to be with them. More than ever in her life, she needed emotional reassurance.
Lauren's car screeched round the winding roads to her destination. She slammed the car door shut with a resounding bang and knocked loudly on the familiar front door. The front door opened and the sound of Texas "When we are together" greeted Lauren's ears and Cassie appeared with an empty wine glass in her hand.
"Hey, come in, Lauren. We've laid on a bit of a party for you."
Lauren's grateful senses felt the warm comforting invitation laid out especially for her like a red carpet, gently drawing her inside. Her senses were briefly disorientated as Cassie's and Roisin's house seemed different tonight.
"I'm really sorry for what happened between you and my mum. Part of the reason why I came over is that I wanted to apologise to you," Lauren blurted out before she had time to take in her surroundings.
Lauren looks really attractive when she's apologising, Cassie thought.
"I wasn't at my best, Lauren. I'd had a lousy day and I had a stinking headache. I'm really best not to talk to when I'm like that. Roisin and the kids know that," She grinned.
"If I hadn't done what I'd done, it wouldn't have driven Karen and mum apart and you and mum wouldn't be on opposite sides," Pursued Lauren, feeling uncomfortable that the blame which she felt that she deserved was being taken off her shoulders.
"Hey, Lauren," Cassie said with gentle determination, brushing her fingertips against Lauren's cheek. "Yvonne and me go back a long way. I'll talk to Yvonne and straighten it all out. Nothing's damaged for life that I can't fix. OK?"
"Hey, what's happened?" Lauren answered in a lighter vein, suddenly noticing what was missing. "Where have the kids gone, eh?"
There was a definite party atmosphere that was totally new here. In the past, the almost religiously family atmosphere from two devoted parents drew in Lauren to revert to her childhood to play with Michael and Niamh and when they were in bed, she could savour the quiet serenity of two women who were at peace with themselves and each other. Everything was normally low key and restful.
"Michael and Niamh are at their friends' house tonight as it's half term," Roisin explained. "I know you like to see them but will just the two of us do tonight?" Roisin urged playfully.
"Everything's fine, Roisin," Lauren said evenly. All trace of her nervous edginess evaporated and she had the same feelings of anticipation that she had when she went out clubbing. She had gone out expecting one kind of night out and she had been immediately pitchforked into another kind. The feeling of surprise washed over her and she felt ready for anything.
"We've said before, Lauren, that it's not very often that the kids are away from us," Cassie elaborated. "Roisin used to feel that for the kids to be away from her for one night meant that some sort of umbilical cord was cut. I persuaded her that this was natural insecurity from years of being with Aiden. Now that she is getting some proper loving from me," And here she slipped her arm round Roisin's waist, "she doesn't have to get eaten up by guilt."
Lauren drew an intake of breath when she sensed the strong sexual vibe pass between Roisin and Cassie. This was not part of what she thought of as normality in their house but it fascinated her.
"What do you want to drink, Lauren? And don't say that you can only have a small glass of wine because you're driving," Roisin asked with an indefinable playful edge to her voice.
"I'm staying for the night, am I then?" smiled Lauren, half-questioning, half stating the obvious. She was delighted by the idea that the evening wouldn't end and it made her feel warm inside and wanted.
"Not if you want to risk some late night scalp hunting policeman adding you to his charge list" Answered Cassie in very definite tones.
"But we'd much rather you stay anyway," Roisin hastily jumped in, highly aware that Cassie's casual talk about the police and being arrested was not exactly well timed.
"What'll you have, anyway?"
"A vodka and orange please," Lauren answered politely, unfazed by Cassie's classic gaffe.
Roisin poured a very generous measure and offered it to Lauren.
"This is so much better than sitting for hours in a parked car all hours of the day watching out for the movements of that bastard Fenner and hiding away at home," Lauren's heartfelt tones were amplified by the feel of the alcohol in her system. The evening was blossoming out to her in a way that was in tune with her feelings. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be tonight, sleeping over here. Much though I love mum, it would do both of us good not to be on top of each other twenty four seven. Anyway," and here she took another swig from the glass, "I could seriously do with some fun in my life right now."
Cassie and Roisin burst out laughing at Lauren's unconscious wordplay and Lauren, the hard faced killer of Fenner, smiled sheepishly and innocently at that joke.
"Not got some man in your life?" Cassie teased.
"Not for a long time, yeah. I don't think that any man could keep up with me. I'm going off the sort of creeps that have been hanging around me."
"So what's the problem?" Cassie asked gently.
"Ever since I've been little, all the men that have been around all remind me of Charlie," Lauren's words came out slowly and reflectively as she gazed out into nothingness. "They've all seen him as the cock of the walk and all been a pale imitation of someone I learned to be a complete waste of space. They come out with the same chat up lines, pretending to be tough and in control. It scared me when Mum told me that I looked the way Charlie used to be after, you know, when I came back from Epping Forest. I really thought that I had done my best to behave as differently from Charlie as I could possibly be. That's why I like playing with your kids, it makes me feel innocent and unspoiled. I grew up to despise the man who was my father and thought I could escape him but it's not as easy as I thought and that scares me." Lauren stared away from Cassie and Roisin so that they could not look her in the eye. Lauren's rambling words brought a sense of real pity to the other two women.
"Anyway, I go out clubbing and the men I meet aren't much better. I feel older than them, more mature and they aren't on my level. Perhaps it's that I had to grow up very fast while mum was away while they've lived their normal lives at their mum and dad's. Perhaps an Atkins woman can only marry within the criminal network but I can't deal with all that hardness. So I don't know what I do want," Lauren finished, shaking her head in bewilderment.
"Perhaps what you could do with is some softness in your life," Roisin asked Lauren, finally catching her eye.
She looked back at the other woman and nodded emphatically. Roisin was right, there was something else she wanted to let into her life.
"Hey Lauren, can you remember that time we were at your mum's playing spin the bottle?" Cassie grinned wickedly in the other woman's direction.
"As if I'd ever forget," Lauren laughed. "I was pissed at the time. It was a good laugh."
"So snogging me full on the way you did was just down to too much alcohol and nothing to do with you?" Cassie's soft voice stole in on Lauren's defences in her most dangerously innocent voice."
"It's not that," Came Lauren's uncertain answer. A total kaleidoscope of indeterminate feelings whirled through her mind equivalent to an alcoholic cocktail of confusion, inhibition and a faint tinge of desire. She floundered, feeling more out of her depth than she had ever done in commanding the Atkins empire.
"I wasn't complaining, Lauren," Roisin's provocative soft Irish voice broke in on Lauren's confusion, subtly taking her feelings by the hand.
As she looked, first at Cassie and then Roisin, both glowing mysteriously in the half light, She pulled a few threads out of the tangled tied up feelings. She latched onto her very real fears of ever coming between the two women that she was fondest of, no two women for whom her feelings were flowering.
"Are you suggesting that we play spin the bottle again, Cassie? We've got a bottle of vodka to finish off and you know very well that time we went out for a drink you got pissed and were passed out on my bed."
"Good point," Cassie said pursing her lips and looking thoughtful. Getting drunk and incapable was not in her scheme of things with Roisin and Lauren around. Then her grin split her face as the obvious solution dawned on her.
"Tell you what, Lauren? I'll spin an imaginary bottle and we'll enjoy ourselves better. It's more flexible as well."
Roisin picked up a CD and she put on Tori Amos "Scarlett's Walk" and the sensual voice and compelling music caught her imagination and her senses were taken down the very alluring trail as much as the second large vodka and orange did.
"You caught me lingering
in another girl's paradise
the way she paints the world --
I want that in my life
Emeralds, you should know,
are renting in her meadow
with a stroke beauty lives
how could I resist
you are Desire
when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you
and still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down to
the thing one girl fears
in the night
is another girl's paradise
through twists and turns Jasmine foxed me
in her grove
arms filled with Honeybells,
St. Michaels Sanford Bloods
"you have come to discover
what you want"
what I want is not to
want what isn't mine
"But I am Desire"
when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you and
still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down
To the thing one girl fears
in the night is another girl's paradise
Does it all
come down to
the thing one
girl fears
in the night
is another girl
is another girl
is another girl's paradise."
Lauren was unsure of exactly what Cassie was intending but let herself get drawn along without complaining, surrendering to Cassie's inviting smile and the amused look in Roisin's eyes. At the very depths of her mind, this was the perfect escape from the situation she had got herself into at home. She was transfixed with excitement and could not take her eyes off the two women who slowly turned to each other and ran their fingers around each other's bodies, Everything happened to take place in slow motion as their lips met and their mouths opened wide as they kissed each other deeply, savouring every moment.
"This has got to be the sexiest thing I've seen in my life," Lauren's voice breathed in on the two entwined living statues of female desire.
"Then why don't you join in?" Cassie's seductive voice articulated Lauren's desires. "You've done it before, remember last time."
Feelings of desire and confusion in equal measure fought for control in Lauren. A force within her that she couldn't give a name to was telling her not to do it, not to do it.
Lauren's leaden feet took her towards the two women and Cassie's slightly parted lips inched closer and closer. Finally, their lips met and Cassie delivered as expert a kiss that Lauren could remember in her life.
"Don't I get a look in," Roisin whispered into her ear as her left hand slid, expertly running its delicate way up Lauren's back.
Lauren broke off her kiss to see very close, Roisin approach her and their lips joined together, not as bold as Cassie but just as self assured. She could feel Cassie, typically not wanting to be left out of it, kissing her on the neck and running her fingers through her hair. This was surely what her dreams, hidden to herself, were urging her to go into that different world while the three of them were blessed by the dim lights and the sensuous voice of Tori Amos playing the soundtrack of their feelings.
Suddenly, not intended, not wanted, Lauren was struck down by that blind feeling of panic, as if she had woken from her dream and remembered who she was and where she should be. Lauren suddenly broke away and almost fell down in a heap on the chair feeling weak and drained. She felt ashamed of herself, totally guilty and hating the straight Atkins spirit inside her that she could not say no to.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," Lauren burst out, her head looking down and her long hair partly falling in front of her eyes, not daring to look either of the women in the eyes.
"Is this what you really want right now?" Roisin's concerned motherly voice asked.
"I don't know right now. I'm not sure if I know who I am."
"I felt the same when Cassie kissed me for the first time. I felt that I was not the woman I thought I was, not with my strict Catholic upbringing. You don't know how something takes charge of you and pulls you away no matter how much you want to do the opposite." To Lauren's incredible relief, she felt the light forgiving touch of Roisin's fingertips on her shoulders.
"If it happens, and it can happen in the future, that you come round here and you feel differently, you know that you can decide differently, Lauren." The words in that soft Irish voice fell on Lauren like tender raindrops to the inexpressible relief to the side of Lauren that really wanted to do and say yes.
"I know that, Roisin," And Lauren's infrequent but brilliant smile told the two other women all that they needed to know.
"Then let's have a nightcap before we settle down and go to bed. Do you want to sleep here on the settee?"
Lauren nodded a slightly dubious yes, thinking that there was an alternative and starting to mentally kick herself that tonight, at least, she had put that alternative outside her reach.
Lauren downed the glass of vodka and orange which made the edges of the room go blurry and swim round while Cassie and Roisin smiled forgivingly and affectionately, or so she felt. She hadn't ruined this relationship for life.
Presently, she lay down on the comfortable settee in the room with the golden glow while Cassie gently turned the light off. Lauren could not help watch with envy when the two women, with their arms round each other, climbed the stairs and the sounds of their lovemaking could be heard. She felt apart from something which she had made that one mistake in her life, to fail to act when she could have acted in the same way that she acted when she should have held back. These thoughts tortured her as she tossed and turned on the settee and the words of Tori Amos "From a Choirgirl Hotel" That had played earlier on the CD that had hypnotised her came back to haunt her.
"You say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it
You say you don't want it- the circus we're in
But you don't really mean it you don't really mean it
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you're sure where my spark is."
She shuffled around, trying to find the one comfortable sleeping position that would send her off to sleep but she was only too aware that, despite the comforting words, she had felt a sense of disappointment that the night had not lived up to its promise as her eyes stared out into the darkness. It seemed an eternity that until the muted sounds of ecstasy from upstairs faded away into silence. At that point, Lauren made a snap decision. It was risky but on the face of it, not half as risky as some of the things she had done in her life. It was that there were people's feelings involved, two women who she cared deeply about.
Cassie and Roisin were sexually replete and starting to doze off into a self satisfied sleep when the landing light clicked on.
"Is it all right if I come into bed with you?" came Lauren's soft, almost child like voice very apologetically. "I'm not ready for, you know what I mean, but I would really appreciate being next to both of you in bed like the way we were the night Ritchie died." "Hey, come here, Lauren. There is a space for you," Cassie called out to her, patting the middle of the bed.
Lauren clicked off the light and gratefully slid into the space made free for her. She snuggled down while she could feel soft arms slide round her and Roisin's faint breath on the back of her neck. Tonight was not all it could have been but she had done something to make matters right. Tomorrow was another day and right now, she felt secure and loved in a way she had yet to define.
"I'm going to Cassie's and Roisin's, mum. Be back sometime." Lauren's carrying voice trailed down the length of the house to the lounge and just fell short of Yvonne's hearing distance.
"You what, Lauren? Shout out louder," Yvonne's stentorian voice stopped Lauren as she had opened the front door.
Sucking in a deep intake of air to the bottom of her lungs, Lauren opted for brevity.
"Cassie and Roisin's. Remember?"
"Well don't get too pissed when you go out clubbing." Yvonne gave up the battle and made the best possible guess as to what Lauren said.
Sighing, Lauren slammed the door hard and strode out to her car. She was a woman on a mission.
Lauren had heard from Yvonne about her argument with Cassie and strong feelings of guilt and a sense of urgency ran through her, making her tense and edgy. She knew very well that her period of fixated madness had been directly responsible for the break up between her mum and Karen. She now felt that Karen was the partner that her mother was destined to settle down with. It was just that, at the time, she was totally wierded out by the whole idea of her mother with another woman. She realised that she had been imprisoned by the unthinking acceptance of the rigid family values that this wasn't the sort of thing that the Atkins family did. The female Atkins honesty pushed her into concluding that the other reason for her hostility to Karen was that, as she saw it, she identified Karen as a screw, the same as the Old Bill and the Atkins and their friends didn't socialise with the Old Bill, much less go to bed with them. She had lost her brother who was a confused focus of her feelings now that, too late, she felt that she could talk to, Having messed up so far with two people's lives, all her feelings of urgency were focussed on heading off an impending fracture of relationships with another very real source of emotional nurturing.
She had an easy going comfortable relationship with Cassie and Roisin with whom she could be herself and be 'Auntie Lauren' to their two children. With the gathering clouds looming over her, she dare not lose this now. All this gave a heightened emotional edge in her urge to go over to them, to apologise to them if need be and to be with them. More than ever in her life, she needed emotional reassurance.
Lauren's car screeched round the winding roads to her destination. She slammed the car door shut with a resounding bang and knocked loudly on the familiar front door. The front door opened and the sound of Texas "When we are together" greeted Lauren's ears and Cassie appeared with an empty wine glass in her hand.
"Hey, come in, Lauren. We've laid on a bit of a party for you."
Lauren's grateful senses felt the warm comforting invitation laid out especially for her like a red carpet, gently drawing her inside. Her senses were briefly disorientated as Cassie's and Roisin's house seemed different tonight.
"I'm really sorry for what happened between you and my mum. Part of the reason why I came over is that I wanted to apologise to you," Lauren blurted out before she had time to take in her surroundings.
Lauren looks really attractive when she's apologising, Cassie thought.
"I wasn't at my best, Lauren. I'd had a lousy day and I had a stinking headache. I'm really best not to talk to when I'm like that. Roisin and the kids know that," She grinned.
"If I hadn't done what I'd done, it wouldn't have driven Karen and mum apart and you and mum wouldn't be on opposite sides," Pursued Lauren, feeling uncomfortable that the blame which she felt that she deserved was being taken off her shoulders.
"Hey, Lauren," Cassie said with gentle determination, brushing her fingertips against Lauren's cheek. "Yvonne and me go back a long way. I'll talk to Yvonne and straighten it all out. Nothing's damaged for life that I can't fix. OK?"
"Hey, what's happened?" Lauren answered in a lighter vein, suddenly noticing what was missing. "Where have the kids gone, eh?"
There was a definite party atmosphere that was totally new here. In the past, the almost religiously family atmosphere from two devoted parents drew in Lauren to revert to her childhood to play with Michael and Niamh and when they were in bed, she could savour the quiet serenity of two women who were at peace with themselves and each other. Everything was normally low key and restful.
"Michael and Niamh are at their friends' house tonight as it's half term," Roisin explained. "I know you like to see them but will just the two of us do tonight?" Roisin urged playfully.
"Everything's fine, Roisin," Lauren said evenly. All trace of her nervous edginess evaporated and she had the same feelings of anticipation that she had when she went out clubbing. She had gone out expecting one kind of night out and she had been immediately pitchforked into another kind. The feeling of surprise washed over her and she felt ready for anything.
"We've said before, Lauren, that it's not very often that the kids are away from us," Cassie elaborated. "Roisin used to feel that for the kids to be away from her for one night meant that some sort of umbilical cord was cut. I persuaded her that this was natural insecurity from years of being with Aiden. Now that she is getting some proper loving from me," And here she slipped her arm round Roisin's waist, "she doesn't have to get eaten up by guilt."
Lauren drew an intake of breath when she sensed the strong sexual vibe pass between Roisin and Cassie. This was not part of what she thought of as normality in their house but it fascinated her.
"What do you want to drink, Lauren? And don't say that you can only have a small glass of wine because you're driving," Roisin asked with an indefinable playful edge to her voice.
"I'm staying for the night, am I then?" smiled Lauren, half-questioning, half stating the obvious. She was delighted by the idea that the evening wouldn't end and it made her feel warm inside and wanted.
"Not if you want to risk some late night scalp hunting policeman adding you to his charge list" Answered Cassie in very definite tones.
"But we'd much rather you stay anyway," Roisin hastily jumped in, highly aware that Cassie's casual talk about the police and being arrested was not exactly well timed.
"What'll you have, anyway?"
"A vodka and orange please," Lauren answered politely, unfazed by Cassie's classic gaffe.
Roisin poured a very generous measure and offered it to Lauren.
"This is so much better than sitting for hours in a parked car all hours of the day watching out for the movements of that bastard Fenner and hiding away at home," Lauren's heartfelt tones were amplified by the feel of the alcohol in her system. The evening was blossoming out to her in a way that was in tune with her feelings. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be tonight, sleeping over here. Much though I love mum, it would do both of us good not to be on top of each other twenty four seven. Anyway," and here she took another swig from the glass, "I could seriously do with some fun in my life right now."
Cassie and Roisin burst out laughing at Lauren's unconscious wordplay and Lauren, the hard faced killer of Fenner, smiled sheepishly and innocently at that joke.
"Not got some man in your life?" Cassie teased.
"Not for a long time, yeah. I don't think that any man could keep up with me. I'm going off the sort of creeps that have been hanging around me."
"So what's the problem?" Cassie asked gently.
"Ever since I've been little, all the men that have been around all remind me of Charlie," Lauren's words came out slowly and reflectively as she gazed out into nothingness. "They've all seen him as the cock of the walk and all been a pale imitation of someone I learned to be a complete waste of space. They come out with the same chat up lines, pretending to be tough and in control. It scared me when Mum told me that I looked the way Charlie used to be after, you know, when I came back from Epping Forest. I really thought that I had done my best to behave as differently from Charlie as I could possibly be. That's why I like playing with your kids, it makes me feel innocent and unspoiled. I grew up to despise the man who was my father and thought I could escape him but it's not as easy as I thought and that scares me." Lauren stared away from Cassie and Roisin so that they could not look her in the eye. Lauren's rambling words brought a sense of real pity to the other two women.
"Anyway, I go out clubbing and the men I meet aren't much better. I feel older than them, more mature and they aren't on my level. Perhaps it's that I had to grow up very fast while mum was away while they've lived their normal lives at their mum and dad's. Perhaps an Atkins woman can only marry within the criminal network but I can't deal with all that hardness. So I don't know what I do want," Lauren finished, shaking her head in bewilderment.
"Perhaps what you could do with is some softness in your life," Roisin asked Lauren, finally catching her eye.
She looked back at the other woman and nodded emphatically. Roisin was right, there was something else she wanted to let into her life.
"Hey Lauren, can you remember that time we were at your mum's playing spin the bottle?" Cassie grinned wickedly in the other woman's direction.
"As if I'd ever forget," Lauren laughed. "I was pissed at the time. It was a good laugh."
"So snogging me full on the way you did was just down to too much alcohol and nothing to do with you?" Cassie's soft voice stole in on Lauren's defences in her most dangerously innocent voice."
"It's not that," Came Lauren's uncertain answer. A total kaleidoscope of indeterminate feelings whirled through her mind equivalent to an alcoholic cocktail of confusion, inhibition and a faint tinge of desire. She floundered, feeling more out of her depth than she had ever done in commanding the Atkins empire.
"I wasn't complaining, Lauren," Roisin's provocative soft Irish voice broke in on Lauren's confusion, subtly taking her feelings by the hand.
As she looked, first at Cassie and then Roisin, both glowing mysteriously in the half light, She pulled a few threads out of the tangled tied up feelings. She latched onto her very real fears of ever coming between the two women that she was fondest of, no two women for whom her feelings were flowering.
"Are you suggesting that we play spin the bottle again, Cassie? We've got a bottle of vodka to finish off and you know very well that time we went out for a drink you got pissed and were passed out on my bed."
"Good point," Cassie said pursing her lips and looking thoughtful. Getting drunk and incapable was not in her scheme of things with Roisin and Lauren around. Then her grin split her face as the obvious solution dawned on her.
"Tell you what, Lauren? I'll spin an imaginary bottle and we'll enjoy ourselves better. It's more flexible as well."
Roisin picked up a CD and she put on Tori Amos "Scarlett's Walk" and the sensual voice and compelling music caught her imagination and her senses were taken down the very alluring trail as much as the second large vodka and orange did.
"You caught me lingering
in another girl's paradise
the way she paints the world --
I want that in my life
Emeralds, you should know,
are renting in her meadow
with a stroke beauty lives
how could I resist
you are Desire
when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you
and still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down to
the thing one girl fears
in the night
is another girl's paradise
through twists and turns Jasmine foxed me
in her grove
arms filled with Honeybells,
St. Michaels Sanford Bloods
"you have come to discover
what you want"
what I want is not to
want what isn't mine
"But I am Desire"
when it all is said
said and done
who can Love you and
still be standing
there's Mary calling
up a storm
can I take from you
and not keep taking
naked as day
Gemma follows him
Does it all come down
To the thing one girl fears
in the night is another girl's paradise
Does it all
come down to
the thing one
girl fears
in the night
is another girl
is another girl
is another girl's paradise."
Lauren was unsure of exactly what Cassie was intending but let herself get drawn along without complaining, surrendering to Cassie's inviting smile and the amused look in Roisin's eyes. At the very depths of her mind, this was the perfect escape from the situation she had got herself into at home. She was transfixed with excitement and could not take her eyes off the two women who slowly turned to each other and ran their fingers around each other's bodies, Everything happened to take place in slow motion as their lips met and their mouths opened wide as they kissed each other deeply, savouring every moment.
"This has got to be the sexiest thing I've seen in my life," Lauren's voice breathed in on the two entwined living statues of female desire.
"Then why don't you join in?" Cassie's seductive voice articulated Lauren's desires. "You've done it before, remember last time."
Feelings of desire and confusion in equal measure fought for control in Lauren. A force within her that she couldn't give a name to was telling her not to do it, not to do it.
Lauren's leaden feet took her towards the two women and Cassie's slightly parted lips inched closer and closer. Finally, their lips met and Cassie delivered as expert a kiss that Lauren could remember in her life.
"Don't I get a look in," Roisin whispered into her ear as her left hand slid, expertly running its delicate way up Lauren's back.
Lauren broke off her kiss to see very close, Roisin approach her and their lips joined together, not as bold as Cassie but just as self assured. She could feel Cassie, typically not wanting to be left out of it, kissing her on the neck and running her fingers through her hair. This was surely what her dreams, hidden to herself, were urging her to go into that different world while the three of them were blessed by the dim lights and the sensuous voice of Tori Amos playing the soundtrack of their feelings.
Suddenly, not intended, not wanted, Lauren was struck down by that blind feeling of panic, as if she had woken from her dream and remembered who she was and where she should be. Lauren suddenly broke away and almost fell down in a heap on the chair feeling weak and drained. She felt ashamed of herself, totally guilty and hating the straight Atkins spirit inside her that she could not say no to.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," Lauren burst out, her head looking down and her long hair partly falling in front of her eyes, not daring to look either of the women in the eyes.
"Is this what you really want right now?" Roisin's concerned motherly voice asked.
"I don't know right now. I'm not sure if I know who I am."
"I felt the same when Cassie kissed me for the first time. I felt that I was not the woman I thought I was, not with my strict Catholic upbringing. You don't know how something takes charge of you and pulls you away no matter how much you want to do the opposite." To Lauren's incredible relief, she felt the light forgiving touch of Roisin's fingertips on her shoulders.
"If it happens, and it can happen in the future, that you come round here and you feel differently, you know that you can decide differently, Lauren." The words in that soft Irish voice fell on Lauren like tender raindrops to the inexpressible relief to the side of Lauren that really wanted to do and say yes.
"I know that, Roisin," And Lauren's infrequent but brilliant smile told the two other women all that they needed to know.
"Then let's have a nightcap before we settle down and go to bed. Do you want to sleep here on the settee?"
Lauren nodded a slightly dubious yes, thinking that there was an alternative and starting to mentally kick herself that tonight, at least, she had put that alternative outside her reach.
Lauren downed the glass of vodka and orange which made the edges of the room go blurry and swim round while Cassie and Roisin smiled forgivingly and affectionately, or so she felt. She hadn't ruined this relationship for life.
Presently, she lay down on the comfortable settee in the room with the golden glow while Cassie gently turned the light off. Lauren could not help watch with envy when the two women, with their arms round each other, climbed the stairs and the sounds of their lovemaking could be heard. She felt apart from something which she had made that one mistake in her life, to fail to act when she could have acted in the same way that she acted when she should have held back. These thoughts tortured her as she tossed and turned on the settee and the words of Tori Amos "From a Choirgirl Hotel" That had played earlier on the CD that had hypnotised her came back to haunt her.
"You say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it
You say you don't want it- the circus we're in
But you don't really mean it you don't really mean it
She's addicted to nicotine patches
She's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you're sure where my spark is."
She shuffled around, trying to find the one comfortable sleeping position that would send her off to sleep but she was only too aware that, despite the comforting words, she had felt a sense of disappointment that the night had not lived up to its promise as her eyes stared out into the darkness. It seemed an eternity that until the muted sounds of ecstasy from upstairs faded away into silence. At that point, Lauren made a snap decision. It was risky but on the face of it, not half as risky as some of the things she had done in her life. It was that there were people's feelings involved, two women who she cared deeply about.
Cassie and Roisin were sexually replete and starting to doze off into a self satisfied sleep when the landing light clicked on.
"Is it all right if I come into bed with you?" came Lauren's soft, almost child like voice very apologetically. "I'm not ready for, you know what I mean, but I would really appreciate being next to both of you in bed like the way we were the night Ritchie died." "Hey, come here, Lauren. There is a space for you," Cassie called out to her, patting the middle of the bed.
Lauren clicked off the light and gratefully slid into the space made free for her. She snuggled down while she could feel soft arms slide round her and Roisin's faint breath on the back of her neck. Tonight was not all it could have been but she had done something to make matters right. Tomorrow was another day and right now, she felt secure and loved in a way she had yet to define.