Title: Escape
Author: Emily (emilyfractured-heart.org)
Pairing: Seth/Summer
Rating: PG 13
Timeline/Spoilers: Post "The Ties That Bind"
Summary: "You suddenly discovered who you were and that person wasn't a
person who would want to be with me?"
"You just left." Summer says and for a second he thinks she's going to slap him but the anger fades away and she just glares at him, looking a little defeated when he takes a while to respond.
"I left a note." He ventures.
"Yeah, you left a note Cohen. One stupid note and then you disappeared for the entire summer." Her hands are on her hips now.
"I needed to get away." Seth says, doing that thing where he tries to explain with his hands and ends up looking like a freak in some kind of circus. She almost grins and makes fun of him but things are too different now and she can't smile.
"And did you?" She demands.
"I went to Tahiti, Summer."
"But did you escape?" Her eyes are big and desperate.
"Did you have fun?" She asks. "You said you did on that lousy postcard but I didn't believe you. I figured you were angsting and wigging out all by yourself."
"Actually, I did. It was Tahiti, I've wanted to go to Tahiti since I was ten years old."
She smiles halfheartedly, and remembers that when he was ten he liked her. But he still left. He still left. She can't quite get past that.
"I thought, and I sailed, and I got sunburnt and I figured some things out." Seth continues.
She knows something is coming. And he should have brought suntan lotion, she thinks. If he'd told her, if she'd gone with him, she would have remembered suntan lotion.
"I thought about us and...I don't think it's gonna work. You know you wouldn't even be with me if Ryan hadn't come to Newport. You wouldn't have noticed me at all." He says and he suddenly sounds angry.
"That's not true."
"C'mon Summer, you know it is. You thought I was gonna get tired of you? We both know that you'll move on. It might be a novelty or something to date me now but it'll tire."
"You think you're a novelty to me? And that's it? God Cohen, I missed you. I missed you..."
She's shaking her head because she suddenly can't stand it.
He went away for a summer and he was okay and she stayed here and waited for him to come home and she just wasn't okay.
"So what happened, Cohen? You went on your big sailing trip and you found yourself? You suddenly discovered who you were and that person wasn't a person who would want to be with me?"
He stares for a second or two and for another second or two she thinks he's going to deny it.
When he doesn't, her heart kinda breaks.
"You know what Summer? That's exactly what happened. I went to Tahiti for a summer and maybe I didn't figure out who I was but I know who I'm not. Newport is full of socialites and assholes and I don't want to stay here. I hate this place, Summer. I can't stay."
She bites her lip hard and wonders which category she falls under. Whichever it is, it pisses her off.
"So you're gonna run away again, huh Cohen? You're already gone to Tahiti, where next? How far away can you get?"
"Chino." Seth says, not meeting her eyes.
"...You're crazy. You can't go to Chino. What're you gonna do, help Ryan and Theresa shop for baby clothes?"
"I..."
"Oh what, you're like, into Ryan? You're into Ryan and you can't possibly stay in Newport without him?"
It starts off as an impossibly leap of the imagination until Seth does not deny it - until Seth just stares at her like, duh, obviously, totally - and her world sort of collapses in on itself.
"When'd you get so angry?"
"Around the time you got so distant. And by distance I mean the space between here and Tahiti"
"It wasn't because of you." He says, tiredly.
"That's what makes it worse Cohen. I was here and you still left. I thought maybe I would be a reason to stay. But Ryan left and I wasn't a good enough reason and I didn't think this was how we'd end up..."
"Sum..."
"You're breaking up with me?" Her mouth opens and closes.
"I think to break up we would have had to have been an actual couple since I got back." He tries not to look at her.
"Still...you can't just -" She shakes her head.
"Summer, it hasn't been the same since I've been back"
"You haven't been the same. Not me." She protests.
"You're not who you were before I left either."
"Well maybe that's because you left."
Seth shakes his head.
Summer recognises that he doesn't want to argue anymore and she recognises this as a sign of defeat.
There is a silence.
"I'm sorry, it's just...you wouldn't understand." Seth says, fumbling for words.
"No Cohen, I don't understand. In your note you said that you loved me. And now this. I don't understand your big revelation that you need to run as far as you can and I don't understand why you're still so faraway. Maybe you should just call up Anna. I'm sure she'd understand."
"Anna?"
"Yeah, Anna. Blonde, tiny, into sailing and comic books and everything you're into." She snaps.
And Ryan, Summer thinks. No doubt Ryan would understand, but she doesn't wanna talk about that. She really doesn't.
"This isn't about Anna and it's not about you. It's not that you're not...anything. It's just that I can't do this."
I know that this isn't about Anna. I know that this isn't about me. That's why it hurts. Because I don't matter enough to be some defining factor in this, she thinks.
I'm not the girl you named a boat after, the girl you pursued like she was the only girl in the world. I'm just some girl now. And you most likely have a thing for some boy - who is far more than some boy to you - and I don't turn your world around anymore and no, I don't understand, she thinks.
She doesn't say any of it.
"Whatever," Summer almost spits out.
She turns away, the bright California sun stinging at her eyes. She is not going to cry. Girls like Summer don't cry. Certainly not over Seth Cohen.
Summer hears the sharp clip clop of her sandals as she walks away.
Seth drives for twenty minutes before he figures out that Summer is right. He can't go to Chino. He doesn't know what he would say to Ryan, let alone what he would do or how he could ever stay.
But did you escape, Summer had asked him urgently.
And the answer would be no, Seth concludes.
Not even being with Summer Roberts could make him okay. Not even perfect Summer who is sunshine and static and energy and everything he ever wanted until that all got reversed.
Now Seth doesn't know what he wants, let alone how he feels. Not even going to Tahiti could make him okay. Tahiti. Summer was right when she presumed he spent his time there angsting and worrying. Because no matter how far he got from Newport, he still couldn't escape.
And now?
He's halfway to Chino, halfway from Newport and he is still nowhere that he belongs.
"You just left." Summer says and for a second he thinks she's going to slap him but the anger fades away and she just glares at him, looking a little defeated when he takes a while to respond.
"I left a note." He ventures.
"Yeah, you left a note Cohen. One stupid note and then you disappeared for the entire summer." Her hands are on her hips now.
"I needed to get away." Seth says, doing that thing where he tries to explain with his hands and ends up looking like a freak in some kind of circus. She almost grins and makes fun of him but things are too different now and she can't smile.
"And did you?" She demands.
"I went to Tahiti, Summer."
"But did you escape?" Her eyes are big and desperate.
"Did you have fun?" She asks. "You said you did on that lousy postcard but I didn't believe you. I figured you were angsting and wigging out all by yourself."
"Actually, I did. It was Tahiti, I've wanted to go to Tahiti since I was ten years old."
She smiles halfheartedly, and remembers that when he was ten he liked her. But he still left. He still left. She can't quite get past that.
"I thought, and I sailed, and I got sunburnt and I figured some things out." Seth continues.
She knows something is coming. And he should have brought suntan lotion, she thinks. If he'd told her, if she'd gone with him, she would have remembered suntan lotion.
"I thought about us and...I don't think it's gonna work. You know you wouldn't even be with me if Ryan hadn't come to Newport. You wouldn't have noticed me at all." He says and he suddenly sounds angry.
"That's not true."
"C'mon Summer, you know it is. You thought I was gonna get tired of you? We both know that you'll move on. It might be a novelty or something to date me now but it'll tire."
"You think you're a novelty to me? And that's it? God Cohen, I missed you. I missed you..."
She's shaking her head because she suddenly can't stand it.
He went away for a summer and he was okay and she stayed here and waited for him to come home and she just wasn't okay.
"So what happened, Cohen? You went on your big sailing trip and you found yourself? You suddenly discovered who you were and that person wasn't a person who would want to be with me?"
He stares for a second or two and for another second or two she thinks he's going to deny it.
When he doesn't, her heart kinda breaks.
"You know what Summer? That's exactly what happened. I went to Tahiti for a summer and maybe I didn't figure out who I was but I know who I'm not. Newport is full of socialites and assholes and I don't want to stay here. I hate this place, Summer. I can't stay."
She bites her lip hard and wonders which category she falls under. Whichever it is, it pisses her off.
"So you're gonna run away again, huh Cohen? You're already gone to Tahiti, where next? How far away can you get?"
"Chino." Seth says, not meeting her eyes.
"...You're crazy. You can't go to Chino. What're you gonna do, help Ryan and Theresa shop for baby clothes?"
"I..."
"Oh what, you're like, into Ryan? You're into Ryan and you can't possibly stay in Newport without him?"
It starts off as an impossibly leap of the imagination until Seth does not deny it - until Seth just stares at her like, duh, obviously, totally - and her world sort of collapses in on itself.
"When'd you get so angry?"
"Around the time you got so distant. And by distance I mean the space between here and Tahiti"
"It wasn't because of you." He says, tiredly.
"That's what makes it worse Cohen. I was here and you still left. I thought maybe I would be a reason to stay. But Ryan left and I wasn't a good enough reason and I didn't think this was how we'd end up..."
"Sum..."
"You're breaking up with me?" Her mouth opens and closes.
"I think to break up we would have had to have been an actual couple since I got back." He tries not to look at her.
"Still...you can't just -" She shakes her head.
"Summer, it hasn't been the same since I've been back"
"You haven't been the same. Not me." She protests.
"You're not who you were before I left either."
"Well maybe that's because you left."
Seth shakes his head.
Summer recognises that he doesn't want to argue anymore and she recognises this as a sign of defeat.
There is a silence.
"I'm sorry, it's just...you wouldn't understand." Seth says, fumbling for words.
"No Cohen, I don't understand. In your note you said that you loved me. And now this. I don't understand your big revelation that you need to run as far as you can and I don't understand why you're still so faraway. Maybe you should just call up Anna. I'm sure she'd understand."
"Anna?"
"Yeah, Anna. Blonde, tiny, into sailing and comic books and everything you're into." She snaps.
And Ryan, Summer thinks. No doubt Ryan would understand, but she doesn't wanna talk about that. She really doesn't.
"This isn't about Anna and it's not about you. It's not that you're not...anything. It's just that I can't do this."
I know that this isn't about Anna. I know that this isn't about me. That's why it hurts. Because I don't matter enough to be some defining factor in this, she thinks.
I'm not the girl you named a boat after, the girl you pursued like she was the only girl in the world. I'm just some girl now. And you most likely have a thing for some boy - who is far more than some boy to you - and I don't turn your world around anymore and no, I don't understand, she thinks.
She doesn't say any of it.
"Whatever," Summer almost spits out.
She turns away, the bright California sun stinging at her eyes. She is not going to cry. Girls like Summer don't cry. Certainly not over Seth Cohen.
Summer hears the sharp clip clop of her sandals as she walks away.
Seth drives for twenty minutes before he figures out that Summer is right. He can't go to Chino. He doesn't know what he would say to Ryan, let alone what he would do or how he could ever stay.
But did you escape, Summer had asked him urgently.
And the answer would be no, Seth concludes.
Not even being with Summer Roberts could make him okay. Not even perfect Summer who is sunshine and static and energy and everything he ever wanted until that all got reversed.
Now Seth doesn't know what he wants, let alone how he feels. Not even going to Tahiti could make him okay. Tahiti. Summer was right when she presumed he spent his time there angsting and worrying. Because no matter how far he got from Newport, he still couldn't escape.
And now?
He's halfway to Chino, halfway from Newport and he is still nowhere that he belongs.