"Just wait a minute, Dumbly old chap!" said Draco, whose disposition suddenly changed. He was now aristocratically holding a brandy snifter and looked rather pompous. "You said it yourself, we are no better off than we were before, so how is it we suddenly know who the killer is?"
"Yeah!" demanded Ginny, "and like I said before, why didn't we just give everyone Veritaserum and just ask them if they killed Percy."
"There's a very simple explanation for this all," said Dumbledore. "The plain truth of the matter is yes, we could have probably went about solving the mystery a lot easier, but then we there wouldn't have been any story and our tale would have been rated very low by all those teenagers on their summer vacations who are reading this on FanFiction.net. We're revealing the killer now instead of waiting until we get more actual evidence because it was just getting too damned long, so if you would stop asking such nosy questions, we could reveal the killer once and for all."
"Oh, well, that settles it for me then," said Ginny. "So who was the one who killed Percy?"
Everyone immediately looked pleadingly towards Dumbledore. "Someone in this room knows," he said. "Why don't you ask him?" Everyone scanned one another's faces, searching for the one who could reveal the killer, when finally, Professor Snape stepped forward.
"I know who killed Percy," he said hesitantly. "And she's in this room with us as I speak."
Gasps filled Dumbledore's office. Even Ron woke up from his faint in time to gasp with suprise. Nobody dared speak a word except for Draco Malfoy, whose drunkenness returned. "Boo! Get the bloody show on the road! We want to know who killed Percy, not some long drawn out story!"
"Well, it wasn't all that hard to figure out!" Professor Snape shouted. "The killer is none other than Cho Chang!"
Ron rolled his eyes and passed out again. "I'm not surprised," said Hermione. "Cho is a little whore. Besides, she's been shooting people all night with no remorse."
"Oh, the story gets better Hermione!" said Cho, who Dumbledore had chained to a chair as soon as Snape had said her name. "Guess who was in the video with me? Take one wild guess. It was Professor Snape. Yes, your dear Professor. I saw how desperately you flung yourself at him, and I was the one who got him."
Hermione glanced at Snape, looking very hurt. "Is this true?" she asked him.
"I cannot deny that I was indeed in that video with Miss Chang," said Snape. "But she is not telling you the whole story. Once Percy first threatened to blackmail her, she immediately came running to me. Our involvement with one another had ended a long time beforehand. In any event, she demanded that I use my power as a professor at this school to get the video back."
Hermione sat, unmoving. "Please go on, Professor Snape," said Dumbledore.
"I told her that I could not jeopardize my position in this school simply to save her dignity. Since Percy Weasley hadn't come to me and blackmailed me as well, I assumed it was merely a desperate plea to win Cho's affections. I had no doubt that the tape would never be revealed. However, Cho flew into a rage, and said that if I didn't do something about it, she would."
"It's all true," said Cho. "I've always had a fetish for being on film while I was, err, in the act. My aunt is married to a muggle. From the day he gave me his old video camera, I was hooked on it. Every time I was with anyone I secretly video taped it all. When Percy said he had me on tape with someone and how damaging the effects would be for both of us if it were revealed, I knew it was when I was with Professor Snape. I pleaded with him not to release the tape, but he would not listen to reason. So I had no choice but to kill him. Besides, he was tacky, and you all know the effect tackiness has on me."
Hermione's face turned a greenish color as Cho Chang said this. But Ron, who had just woken up from the last time he passed out, stood up and spoke. "Well, Cho. I think every one of us is dying to know the answer to the same questions. First, how many people have you been with and can I buy the tapes?"
"MR. WEASLEY!" McGonagall, Snape, and Dumbledore all shot at once.
"Okay, okay, can't blame me for trying, right?" said Ron.
"Cho," said Dumbledore, "I'm afraid I'll have to turn you into the Ministry of Magic, who will more than likely sentence you to life in Azkaban. Those two gentlemen are just outside the door at this moment. Hold on to your seat." With that, he levitated Cho's chair towards the door and both of them walked out.
"I'll get off!" Cho shouted. "Azkaban can't handle this hotness!"
As soon as Dumbledore and Cho left the office, Draco addressed the rest of the group. "Hey, looky what I found on dead old Weasley," he said holding a video cassette. "I saw it while I was moving him around in front of Cornelius Fudge and I swiped it. Now, I'm pretty sure I can guess what is on this tape, anyone else care to take a look?"
Ron and Harry hooted in approval, while Hermione and Snape both shouted, "No!"
"I... I don't think I could bare to see it," said Hermione.
"I don't think I could bare having Miss Granger see it," said Snape in a tone that almost sounded considerate, but that didn't last. "She's has enough of an unhealthy fascination with me as it is," he added coolly.
"Professor Snape!" exclaimed Hermione desperately. "After all we've been through together! You couldn't possibly see me as being so weak to have some sort of obsessive schoolgirl crush! This is much deeper than that! Actually, we have more in common than you would think," she added sheepishly.
In the time Hermione and Snape took to have their little conversation, Draco, Harry, and Ron had already conjured up a VCR and began playing the tape.
"Damn Cho is a hottie!" exclaimed Ron.
"Shut up a minute, Ron! We haven't even seen Snape in all his manhood yet," said McGonagall forgetting her place. "Errr, I mean... porn is bad. If you watch porn, your eyes will get chlamydia and you will die!"
"Wait," said Harry. "That's not Professor Snape, that's a girl."
"That's not a girl," said Draco. "That's Granger!"
Everyone turned around to face Hermione, their faces frozen in shock and none more so than Professor Snape. "I thought you weren't a lesbian! That's what you told all of us." said Ron.
Hermione turned to him. "I'm not a lesbian, I'm bi. There is a difference. Now if you miserable homophobes would shut up, I'd like to see my close up."
"Yeah!" demanded Ginny, "and like I said before, why didn't we just give everyone Veritaserum and just ask them if they killed Percy."
"There's a very simple explanation for this all," said Dumbledore. "The plain truth of the matter is yes, we could have probably went about solving the mystery a lot easier, but then we there wouldn't have been any story and our tale would have been rated very low by all those teenagers on their summer vacations who are reading this on FanFiction.net. We're revealing the killer now instead of waiting until we get more actual evidence because it was just getting too damned long, so if you would stop asking such nosy questions, we could reveal the killer once and for all."
"Oh, well, that settles it for me then," said Ginny. "So who was the one who killed Percy?"
Everyone immediately looked pleadingly towards Dumbledore. "Someone in this room knows," he said. "Why don't you ask him?" Everyone scanned one another's faces, searching for the one who could reveal the killer, when finally, Professor Snape stepped forward.
"I know who killed Percy," he said hesitantly. "And she's in this room with us as I speak."
Gasps filled Dumbledore's office. Even Ron woke up from his faint in time to gasp with suprise. Nobody dared speak a word except for Draco Malfoy, whose drunkenness returned. "Boo! Get the bloody show on the road! We want to know who killed Percy, not some long drawn out story!"
"Well, it wasn't all that hard to figure out!" Professor Snape shouted. "The killer is none other than Cho Chang!"
Ron rolled his eyes and passed out again. "I'm not surprised," said Hermione. "Cho is a little whore. Besides, she's been shooting people all night with no remorse."
"Oh, the story gets better Hermione!" said Cho, who Dumbledore had chained to a chair as soon as Snape had said her name. "Guess who was in the video with me? Take one wild guess. It was Professor Snape. Yes, your dear Professor. I saw how desperately you flung yourself at him, and I was the one who got him."
Hermione glanced at Snape, looking very hurt. "Is this true?" she asked him.
"I cannot deny that I was indeed in that video with Miss Chang," said Snape. "But she is not telling you the whole story. Once Percy first threatened to blackmail her, she immediately came running to me. Our involvement with one another had ended a long time beforehand. In any event, she demanded that I use my power as a professor at this school to get the video back."
Hermione sat, unmoving. "Please go on, Professor Snape," said Dumbledore.
"I told her that I could not jeopardize my position in this school simply to save her dignity. Since Percy Weasley hadn't come to me and blackmailed me as well, I assumed it was merely a desperate plea to win Cho's affections. I had no doubt that the tape would never be revealed. However, Cho flew into a rage, and said that if I didn't do something about it, she would."
"It's all true," said Cho. "I've always had a fetish for being on film while I was, err, in the act. My aunt is married to a muggle. From the day he gave me his old video camera, I was hooked on it. Every time I was with anyone I secretly video taped it all. When Percy said he had me on tape with someone and how damaging the effects would be for both of us if it were revealed, I knew it was when I was with Professor Snape. I pleaded with him not to release the tape, but he would not listen to reason. So I had no choice but to kill him. Besides, he was tacky, and you all know the effect tackiness has on me."
Hermione's face turned a greenish color as Cho Chang said this. But Ron, who had just woken up from the last time he passed out, stood up and spoke. "Well, Cho. I think every one of us is dying to know the answer to the same questions. First, how many people have you been with and can I buy the tapes?"
"MR. WEASLEY!" McGonagall, Snape, and Dumbledore all shot at once.
"Okay, okay, can't blame me for trying, right?" said Ron.
"Cho," said Dumbledore, "I'm afraid I'll have to turn you into the Ministry of Magic, who will more than likely sentence you to life in Azkaban. Those two gentlemen are just outside the door at this moment. Hold on to your seat." With that, he levitated Cho's chair towards the door and both of them walked out.
"I'll get off!" Cho shouted. "Azkaban can't handle this hotness!"
As soon as Dumbledore and Cho left the office, Draco addressed the rest of the group. "Hey, looky what I found on dead old Weasley," he said holding a video cassette. "I saw it while I was moving him around in front of Cornelius Fudge and I swiped it. Now, I'm pretty sure I can guess what is on this tape, anyone else care to take a look?"
Ron and Harry hooted in approval, while Hermione and Snape both shouted, "No!"
"I... I don't think I could bare to see it," said Hermione.
"I don't think I could bare having Miss Granger see it," said Snape in a tone that almost sounded considerate, but that didn't last. "She's has enough of an unhealthy fascination with me as it is," he added coolly.
"Professor Snape!" exclaimed Hermione desperately. "After all we've been through together! You couldn't possibly see me as being so weak to have some sort of obsessive schoolgirl crush! This is much deeper than that! Actually, we have more in common than you would think," she added sheepishly.
In the time Hermione and Snape took to have their little conversation, Draco, Harry, and Ron had already conjured up a VCR and began playing the tape.
"Damn Cho is a hottie!" exclaimed Ron.
"Shut up a minute, Ron! We haven't even seen Snape in all his manhood yet," said McGonagall forgetting her place. "Errr, I mean... porn is bad. If you watch porn, your eyes will get chlamydia and you will die!"
"Wait," said Harry. "That's not Professor Snape, that's a girl."
"That's not a girl," said Draco. "That's Granger!"
Everyone turned around to face Hermione, their faces frozen in shock and none more so than Professor Snape. "I thought you weren't a lesbian! That's what you told all of us." said Ron.
Hermione turned to him. "I'm not a lesbian, I'm bi. There is a difference. Now if you miserable homophobes would shut up, I'd like to see my close up."
The End
Or is it? Come on! You couldn't expect a crappy knock off of Clue to only have one possible ending, now could you??? Now sit down, you've got two more endings to go!