RE2 Spoof
Warning: Don't read this fic if you are a Leon fan. I repeat: heavy Leon
bashing!
Prologue: In the beginning God said- Whoops! Wrong story. Anyway, the international corporation Umbrella had a lab, but someone dropped the virus vial and the place became infested with zombies and scenes stolen (or as Capcom executives would say "borrowed") from horror movies. The STARS teams were deployed to investigate the situation. After killing a bunch of stuff, solving lame puzzles that a third grader could solve, and surviving bad acting, they came back. Nobody believed their story even though many of the people still believed that J. Lo and Ben Something-or-other would make a good couple. Long story short, the STARS were suspended and Umbrella was far from over. One of these days, they would make their first umbrella . . .
Leon was driving along to Raccoon City. He was originally was headed towards New York, but he found a dead cop, put on the uniform and headed towards the town. If the cop had been alive, Leon would just flee. It was pretty stupid to not help a police officer, put it was also pretty stupid to drive with an expired license, beer, drugs, and firearms.
Leon was fantasying about the police job he just got. Even though the officer was black and was much bigger than Leon, he was pretty sure his new gimmick would succeed. Yet, Leon couldn't help but remember the bite marks that covered the body. Leon tried to listen to the radio, but all he got was static and some chick named Jill that kept begging for help and insisting that she was being harassed by a black leather-clad giant.
Leon wondered what was going on when he ran over something. Leon: Damn! Third time tonight! Well, let's see what I hit this time.
Leon walks out and sees a women lying on the road. Birds were pecking her and her shirt was slightly undone . . . Leon: Kinky. But I have to go.
Leon gets back into the car and drives until he is stopped at an intersection by heavy traffic. Leon: (Traffic light turns green and Leon yells at car in front which is not moving.) Hey moron! The light's green you idiot! Go!
After a few minutes, Leon walks over to the car. Leon: Maybe some friendly punching will convince you to move a little quicker. (Punches head right off corpse's head.) Heh heh, still got the good old right hook. (Watches corpse) Hey, he's not breathing. Aren't people supposed to breathe? (Looks around.) What the hell is up with all the death? (Sees a newspaper which reads on the front page: "Zombies Attack" and under that in a much larger font: "Save money on your taxes!")
Suddenly, a bunch of zombies come around growing and moaning. Because Leon isn't the most intelligent of all the people in the world, (He's quite dumb actually.) he just gets into his jeep and leaves the area when he sees a diner. Leon: I think I could use a bite to eat before I go to the job. (Pulls out one of his guns out of the glove box. Then enters the restaurant.) Leon: (Says to zombie chief) I'll have a medium rare hamburger and a beer. (Looks at Claire who is staring at him with a look of surprise and confusion.) Ma'am. Claire: Watch out! That's a zombie! Leon: (Laughs and looks at zombie that is closing in on him.) Kids these days. (Thinks) Weirdo. Zombie: (Walks over to Leon) Leon: (Despite the rotting flesh, the hideous smell, and the non-existent breathing, it took a while for Leon to figure out . . .) Oh crap you're a- (Shoots zombie) Claire: About time you figured out that you were dealing with- Leon: (Nods) A republican. Claire: What! Oh come on! Claire grabs Leon and they head out the front door. A large crowd blocks Leon's ill-gotten car so Leon heads towards . . . Claire: Hey! Why are you mounting that tricycle?
Claire and Leon then run to the nearest police car and get in. Claire has shotgun and Leon has the steering wheel. He starts driving as Claire starts talking frantically. Leon: (Thinking) Geez what a horrible conversationist. (Looks at Claire's chest) But a nice rack. Claire: -And the whole place went insane! (Looks at the badge at Leon's shirt) So Bruce you're a cop right? Leon: No. I mean yes. I was just coming to my new job at the RPD. (Leon might have noticed this mistake earlier if he was literate.) You better check if there is a gun in the glove compartment. Claire: (Takes gun out of compartment) Zombie: (Pops out of the back of car.) Leon: Oh no! Evil zombie twin! (Loses control and rams car into the light pole.) Score! (Sees large semi truck coming towards them as the car has spun around.) Oh sh- (The truck's horn sounds) Both make it out just in time, put on different sides of the street. Claire: Bruce! Let's go to the police station! Leon: Gotcha Claire! (Runs off) Claire: Bruce. Leon: Yes? Claire: The police station is that away. (Points to correct way to police station.) Leon: Oh.
Preview of Chapter 2
Leon looked at the window and saw zombies. Leon: I think you should get away from the window. Guy: Oh, don't worry it's the latest Capcom brand glass. It won't break until an unsuspecting moment to generate cheap scares.
The zombies open front door, which is unlocked.) Guy: Damn I knew I forgot something.
Warning: Don't read this fic if you are a Leon fan. I repeat: heavy Leon
bashing!
Prologue: In the beginning God said- Whoops! Wrong story. Anyway, the international corporation Umbrella had a lab, but someone dropped the virus vial and the place became infested with zombies and scenes stolen (or as Capcom executives would say "borrowed") from horror movies. The STARS teams were deployed to investigate the situation. After killing a bunch of stuff, solving lame puzzles that a third grader could solve, and surviving bad acting, they came back. Nobody believed their story even though many of the people still believed that J. Lo and Ben Something-or-other would make a good couple. Long story short, the STARS were suspended and Umbrella was far from over. One of these days, they would make their first umbrella . . .
Leon was driving along to Raccoon City. He was originally was headed towards New York, but he found a dead cop, put on the uniform and headed towards the town. If the cop had been alive, Leon would just flee. It was pretty stupid to not help a police officer, put it was also pretty stupid to drive with an expired license, beer, drugs, and firearms.
Leon was fantasying about the police job he just got. Even though the officer was black and was much bigger than Leon, he was pretty sure his new gimmick would succeed. Yet, Leon couldn't help but remember the bite marks that covered the body. Leon tried to listen to the radio, but all he got was static and some chick named Jill that kept begging for help and insisting that she was being harassed by a black leather-clad giant.
Leon wondered what was going on when he ran over something. Leon: Damn! Third time tonight! Well, let's see what I hit this time.
Leon walks out and sees a women lying on the road. Birds were pecking her and her shirt was slightly undone . . . Leon: Kinky. But I have to go.
Leon gets back into the car and drives until he is stopped at an intersection by heavy traffic. Leon: (Traffic light turns green and Leon yells at car in front which is not moving.) Hey moron! The light's green you idiot! Go!
After a few minutes, Leon walks over to the car. Leon: Maybe some friendly punching will convince you to move a little quicker. (Punches head right off corpse's head.) Heh heh, still got the good old right hook. (Watches corpse) Hey, he's not breathing. Aren't people supposed to breathe? (Looks around.) What the hell is up with all the death? (Sees a newspaper which reads on the front page: "Zombies Attack" and under that in a much larger font: "Save money on your taxes!")
Suddenly, a bunch of zombies come around growing and moaning. Because Leon isn't the most intelligent of all the people in the world, (He's quite dumb actually.) he just gets into his jeep and leaves the area when he sees a diner. Leon: I think I could use a bite to eat before I go to the job. (Pulls out one of his guns out of the glove box. Then enters the restaurant.) Leon: (Says to zombie chief) I'll have a medium rare hamburger and a beer. (Looks at Claire who is staring at him with a look of surprise and confusion.) Ma'am. Claire: Watch out! That's a zombie! Leon: (Laughs and looks at zombie that is closing in on him.) Kids these days. (Thinks) Weirdo. Zombie: (Walks over to Leon) Leon: (Despite the rotting flesh, the hideous smell, and the non-existent breathing, it took a while for Leon to figure out . . .) Oh crap you're a- (Shoots zombie) Claire: About time you figured out that you were dealing with- Leon: (Nods) A republican. Claire: What! Oh come on! Claire grabs Leon and they head out the front door. A large crowd blocks Leon's ill-gotten car so Leon heads towards . . . Claire: Hey! Why are you mounting that tricycle?
Claire and Leon then run to the nearest police car and get in. Claire has shotgun and Leon has the steering wheel. He starts driving as Claire starts talking frantically. Leon: (Thinking) Geez what a horrible conversationist. (Looks at Claire's chest) But a nice rack. Claire: -And the whole place went insane! (Looks at the badge at Leon's shirt) So Bruce you're a cop right? Leon: No. I mean yes. I was just coming to my new job at the RPD. (Leon might have noticed this mistake earlier if he was literate.) You better check if there is a gun in the glove compartment. Claire: (Takes gun out of compartment) Zombie: (Pops out of the back of car.) Leon: Oh no! Evil zombie twin! (Loses control and rams car into the light pole.) Score! (Sees large semi truck coming towards them as the car has spun around.) Oh sh- (The truck's horn sounds) Both make it out just in time, put on different sides of the street. Claire: Bruce! Let's go to the police station! Leon: Gotcha Claire! (Runs off) Claire: Bruce. Leon: Yes? Claire: The police station is that away. (Points to correct way to police station.) Leon: Oh.
Preview of Chapter 2
Leon looked at the window and saw zombies. Leon: I think you should get away from the window. Guy: Oh, don't worry it's the latest Capcom brand glass. It won't break until an unsuspecting moment to generate cheap scares.
The zombies open front door, which is unlocked.) Guy: Damn I knew I forgot something.