Residink Evil 2
Chapter 4
The Stupidity Continues
Leon: This way, Ada. I know the way out of here.
Ada: Well that's very impressive Leon, CONSIDERING THERE'S ONLY ONE DOOR HERE!
Leon: No, look behind us, there is a door.
Ada: That's the door we used to get inside the room.
Leon: I don't know what you're so uptight about, I mean, I have a map.
Ada: I think it would be the best of both of our interest to inform you that you are holding it upside down!
Leon: (Turns map right-side up.) According to this map, we are in the sewers.
Ada: We just passed a sign that announced that awhile back.
The camera goes to a wall that said "Welcome to Raccoon City's Top Secret Sewers" below that was an arrow pointing to the gift shop and guest information. The camera goes back to the twosome enters the next room. Inside is a small elevator with a small door in the middle of the room. Leon opens the small door and peers down.
Leon: Sure is dark down there, I can't see the bottom.
Leon then swings his arms back and forth; he then jumps down, hitting the floor with his head.
Leon: Ouch.
When he regains conscious, he gets up and bumps into things for the next 45 minuets, Leon is able to get the lamps lighted, and he collects the ammo and heads up the ladder (Leon: There was a ladder here?) and reunites with Ada. They go down the elevator. At the bottom the duo encounter a white-coat clad women.
Leon: Oh no! It's one of them!
Ada: (Thinking) Does Leon know who she is and what she does? If so, I'll have to dispose of him.
Leon: It's a dentist!
Ada: (Thinking) Drat, and I had my hope set too. Well, better chase after her like a stooge.
They both waited patiently until the elevator reached the stopping point, then while Leon tried to escape the 'dentist' Ada tried to chase after her. She went into the middle of the t-shaped passage and the new women, (Annette is her name as you will come to know and hate her) shot at her. Ada decided to use one of her top secret and special moves of evasion. Pivoting sharply, she gracefully power-walked a few feet and quickly turned in the opposite direction. Back and forth she went and getting quicker.
Annette: (Thinking) Damn it! How did she know I was horrible at shooting galleries? I bet she has all sorts of information about me. Probably installed cameras into our home too. I should never have trusted that pizza delivery deal from Pizza Hut.
Annette finally drew a bead on Ada and fired. It would have hit Ada too if Leon hadn't tripped in his panic, falling into Ada in the process. Annette runs away while Ada is on the ground with Leon on top of her.
Ada: Leon, you're a nice looking guy and all, but DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED FIRST YOU DISGUSTING PIG? (Violently pushes Leon off, then notices Leon's wound.) Leon, don't worry I'll avenge your death!
Leon: Um, actually, I'm quite fine, but I would (Ada leaves) like some medical attention.
Ada: (In sewer water, watching Annette go up the ladder on the opposite wall.) After all the time that that cut-scene took and she is only this far? My what a slow runner.
Ada races after her and climbs the ladder. Ada is now on the other side of passageway. For some odd reason, the bugs that were in the previous hallway did not come out and attack her, but hey, that's Capcom logic for you. The camera, being oppressive as usual, disabled Ada from seeing Annette aiming a gun at her. Annette must be lucky because in the few minutes she went from a bumbling gunner to an expert sharpshooter.
Ada: (Thinking) Aw crap I'm dead. (Speaking) I'm here to um, fix the toilets?
Annette: (Lowers gun) Oh, well the bathroom is- hey, we don't have any bathrooms here. Come to think of it, there are no bathrooms in this entire video game! Now, concerning your outfit, given the style and color, you are either a hooker or a spy.
Ada: (Thinking) I have the feeling that whatever I say, I'll regret it. (Speaking) I'm a hooker.
Annette: Ew! Get away from me!
Ada was more than happy to oblige, but Annette interrupted her as she was picking up her gun.
Annette: That pendent! Where did you get that?
Ada: Um, Wal-Mart?
Annette: You liar! They only sell the silver variations. Give it back to me!
Ada: No! It is my precious! (Hisses)
The two then engage in a catfight amidst the howls of joy amongst the teenage boys. Somehow, they trip and fall into a vat of mud, how it got there, nobody knows or cares. Ada eventually gets the upper hand and pushes Annette out of the vat and onto the hard conceit ground. Ada cleans up, and then goes to where her gun fell off.
Ada: I could go see if Leon is okay, or I could go down the ladder to see what's down there, which most likely will have some lame excuse for the game to switch back to Leon.
She holstered her gun and went down the ladder. Once on the landing, something came out of the water.
Ada: Can't climb ladder, why? Don't know. Gotta waste ammo on the- (Screen cuts to Leon.)
Leon gets up and stands upright. His posture was very fine; in fact, it was difficult to tell that he was shot.
Leon: Should I get medical help, or run after Ada. (Thinks for a few seconds) Better find Ada.
Leon has some good times killing spiders, (Leon: All this ammo and not one can of Raid) and he found a few more dead people.
Leon: (Screaming) Ah! Corpses! (Sees wolf metal) Oh, something shiny! Must pick up.
Leon takes the item and the letter.
Letter: To Agent Hunk, There is a vial somewhere in the secret lab of Raccoon City. (We can't tell you the location of the lab because then it wouldn't be a secret now would it?) We want you to go fetch it by any means necessary. Yes, yes we know that Birkin (the creator) is a good employee and all, but frankly we just can't wait two more hours. Failure is not an option. Because most likely, you'll be dead.
Leon put the letter down and headed to the turntable. In there, he had the misfortune of relishing that he would need the valve handle to continue on.
Leon: Good God! What is up with all of these blocked doors and keys? How the Hell did anybody get any work done here?
Leon huffs angrily as he walks past a whole shelf of valve handles. After several minuets, Leon comes back to the area. He inserts and spins the handle, which brings the bridge down. Leon crosses, goes through the door and runs the remaining corridors till he sees Ada, shooting at the water.
Leon: Ada! That's not how you go fishing! You use a pole.
Ada stopped firing and would have shouted back to Leon (something on the lines of: I'm not fishing you idiot!) but something came between them. A HUGE something to be more accurate, it was a crocodile. It tried to swallow Leon, but with his amazing agility caused by supreme alcoholic consumption, he bolted from the fierce teeth and ran like a pansy, what he does best. Somehow, the croc had completely forgotten Ada. She sat down and counted the reasons she hated Leon. Leon ran like Hell, turning every once in a while to see if the monster was still pursuing him. Unfortunately, for him, it was. Things weren't looking any better when he tripped over a large container.
Leon: Stupid thing! (Gives it a swift kick) Hey, this says ex-plos-ive? What does that mean?
Leon didn't have much time to ponder this since the croc was quickly advancing on him. Frantically, he went to the door and tried to open it. No such luck as the message confirmed his worst fear.
Message: In case of hungry crocodile attack, you are screwed.
Leon: Oh sh- (crocodile roars)
A last ray of hope comes to Leon as he remembered the explosive barrel he tripped over. Luck had come back to him temporarily as the crocodile had swallowed up part of it. Leon aimed and shot, killing the monster in a fantastic B-grade movie fashion.
Leon: Ha! Take that Mother Nature! Just try to stop me from burning ants.
Leon runs back to Ada. She is still counting her reasons on why she hated Leon.
Ada: (Thinking) 105,338, 105,339-
Leon: Ada!
Ada: (Interrupted thinking) 105, 408? Damn lost count.
Ada then helps Leon dress wounds, not because she likes him, but because she knows that Leon will follow her so she figured that she might as well lower the amount of blood that will get on her. After she was done, she talked to Leon.
Ada: I just found out, my boyfriend is dead.
Leon: What in the name of England does that have to do with anything?
Ada: I suppose nothing, but let's face it, this video game is short on plot and putting a pang of sadness was the only thing I could contribute to.
Because in the next few minuets all our characters do is backtrack (and I can't make any new jokes out of that) we will now pick-up our story where they are about to board the first train. Leon looked at the control board and gave his expert professional opinion of the situation.
Leon: Inky, binky, bonky, daddy had a donkey. Daddy died donkey cried, inky, binky, bonky!
Leon's finger landed on surprisingly the correct button. The train came and the two stepped in. It was picking up speed when suddenly- (there is a cut-scene to the roof where nothing happens) I SAID SUDDENLY (a claw comes through the roof. The almost terrifying whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop floated in as well. Arnold, actor and current leader of California, comes in wearing all black and brandishing a shotgun.
Arnold: Connor! Get down!
Leon: Wait a minuet! This isn't Terminator Two. This is Resident Evil Two.
Arnold: Well this scene is so much like the movie.
Leon: This is OUR game. Leave.
Arnold curses and exits, Ada and Leon then shoot the claw, after a while, until it too leaves. Oddly enough, the train stops. Leon and his Asian associate enter the next room, which is teeming with zombies. Same bio- weapons, just different locations. Leon then makes an excellent discovery.
Leon: Hey Ada! Look what I found!
In Leon's hand was the hillbilly shotgun. Capable of giving you a big old kick and reducing zombies to powdered milk. Leon holds it up and it spins in his hands like Link in the Zelda games.
Ada: Are done Leon?
Leon: Yes Zelda, I mean Ada. Let's get going.
Ada: and Leon leave and blast all of the zombies in a shooting gallery hallway. They turn the corner and go up the ladder. They are now in the control room.
Ada: We finally arrived.
Leon: Yeah, but where are we? What is this place?
Ada: Umbrella's secret lab entrance.
Leon: How did you know that?
Ada: Uh, I looked at the sign.
Leon: What sign?
Ada: That sign over there.
While Leon turned around, Ada got ready to hit him on the head with the butt of her gun. At this point, Ada saw that the train was gone.
Ada: Ah crap!
Leon: What!
Ada: Oh, there's a big hole over there.
Leon: A big hole? Cool. (Now in front of the hole) Wow, I bet you could get to China from here. (Looks at the tiny lift and the door set in the wall.) Hey, where does that lead?
Ada: Don't know. Why don't you go check?
Leon: Are you going with me?
Ada: No, I'm going to, uh, check the computers. Yeah that's it, bye.
Ada leaves, which leaves Leon to investigate the room. Inside, Leon finds the key he needs to get the lift back to the surface from the secret lab, which has been mentioned so much that by now it is no longer a secret. Leon also finds an employment ad.
Ad: Are you an evil sadist? Do you enjoy making chemicals that will end the human race as we know it? Did you detest the Lord of the Rings movies? If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, then you my friend are twisted enough to work at Umbrella. No experience required, just a hideous grudge against all of humanity in general. Apply at your nearest tobacco company. For farther information, contact you local- (the ad was torn here.)
Leon turned to go to the ladder when he came face-to face with a blond man. He was about as tall as Leon and carried a wooden plank with some nails sticking out of the end.
Leon: Who the Hell are you?
James Sunderland: I'm James Sunderland from Silent Hill 2. I've been watching you and you are, without any doubt, the biggest moron to ever appear in a video game. Even in a spoof of a video game.
Leon: What's your point?
James S.: My point is that I'm going to knock some sense into you.
James starts to hit Leon repeatedly with the plank. The problem is, Leon wasn't getting any smarter, not even any dumber (he had hit the bottom years ago). James gives up and leaves. When Leon wakes up, he goes back to Ada, who is playing "Pong" on the computer.
Leon: What are you doing Ada?
Ada: (Erases screen) Important work that is totally top-secret. Did you find anything?
Leon puts the key in and the train-like lift (if you ever played "Outbreak" you'll see that it doubles as a train at the end of the second level.) comes to the surface. Leon pushes the activation button and goes inside with Ada. Once again, the animation gets an up-grade as the elevator/train/hunk of crap drops down. The camera goes to the inside of the cab. The animation has gone back to "good for a N-64." A few seconds later, William makes another appearance.
William: Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!
His claw pierces the wall and strikes Ada in the arm. She falls unconscious, with Xs in her eyes. Leon, with his stupendous stupidity, talks to Ada.
Leon: Say something if you don't want me to take your wallet.
William roars again, Leon walks out, prepared to do battle.
Leon: That's it! I'm going to teach you a lesson about disturbing me from stealing.
Leon takes out his pistol and hillbilly shotgun. Outside, Leon walks the perimeter of the train when suddenly; a pipe is thrown from the roof. It misses Leon by a mile. Leon looks at the roof and sees William, in his second form. He releases his almost terrifying cry of, well, almost terror.
William: (Yelling while mutating, making the sound very high-pitched.) Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.
Leon shoots William until he goes down. Leon goes back inside. As if by magic, the train stops. Ada wakes up and the screen goes black for a few seconds. Ada moans and for the sake of the youngsters out there (shame on you for playing a 'M' rated game), we won't go into further detail.
Leon: Welcome back to the side of the living.
Ada: Where are we?
The camera is now outside once again and as Leon replies with "I don't know", the gamer sees a vast array of signs that proclaim "Welcome to Umbrella's secret lab! Don't tell anyone." Camera goes back to Leon.
Leon: I don't know, China? Anyway I'm going to go wonder around randomly until more stuff happens.
Ada: But why?
Leon: Hoe the Hell should I know?
Leon gets off the train and goes down into the bowels of the 'secret' facility. Some time later, the train resumes its decent. He activates the elevator down to floor 4 after he kills the enhanced lickers. He then pushes a box to a stack of blocks to gain entry to an area that he wouldn't be going to yet if I was going to follow the plot of the game, but I just find too much humor in the sequence. Leon uses the key that mysteriously appeared in his inventory due to my laziness. Inside is room with a gigantic thing that is controlled by a single computer. You would think that Umbrella would conserve space and just keep their crap in just one or two rooms, but no, they have to have this big ol' fort with most of the place closed off in the first place. How egocentric can these people get? Whoops, I'm getting off the point. Leon goes to the end of the room when suddenly, Mr. X drops down from the ceiling. Instead of shooting the monster, Leon backs up to the wall. The end is coming to our brave (cough), smart (ass) hero as the nightmare approaches at a deadly rate of two miles per hour. Ada came to the rescue as she shot Mr. X in the head.
Ada: Leon, run!
Where? This dumb ass is blocking the only exit.
Mr. X grabs Ada, who shoots wildly into its face. In retaliation, it throws her into the computer, which doesn't break, but Leon quickly runs up and finishes it off with some bullets. With blood in its eyes, Mr. X falls off the walkway into a vat of molten lava, which is there for no logical reason. Leon holds up a sign that has "3.5" written on it.
Leon: I'll give him points for effort. (Goes to Ada who says some romantic stuff to him that gives the game something other than chunks of blood and gore. Enjoy it while you can though, because as far as I can tell, this is the only action that the cast of Re gets in these games. Leon heads to the room where the elevator is located. Meanwhile, Mr. X's hand comes out of the lava, looking like a very horribly drawn glove.
Mr. X: (Thinking) He gave me a three? I'll teach him a lesson.
On the way back to the room with the elevator, Leon's radio went off, Clare's voice filled the area. Not realizing that sound was coming from his hip not his head, Leon dropped down to his knees, as if begging God for assistance.
Leon: (Yelling) No! I will burn things no more! You have no power over me you leprechauns.
Claire: No you idiot, it's me Claire. This girl that I found is in trouble and I need you to go to the security office and take her to the train for me while I make the antidote for her.
Leon: But I don't want to, it sounds like a lot of work.
Claire: If you don't I'll –(Claire threatens Leon with one of the most horrifying things that would scare any man into unstoppable terror. It is so nerve-wrecking that I won't mention it here.)
Leon: (Gasp) All right, I'll do it!
Without wasting a second, he rushes into the room, where Annette is sticking him up with the business end of her gun.
Annette: You killed my husband! I'll never forgive you for that!
Leon: Husband? Oh, you must mean that ugly thing that I blasted on the train. He was weak and so easy to beat, but I don't think he's dead. He ran away like a coward. Ha!
Needless to say, Leon doesn't have much experience with hostage negotiation. Even when it involves himself. But luckily, a confusing cut- scene saved the day.
William: Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop (very high pitched)!
Annette: (Runs down the passage until William drops down in his third form). You're still alive! (Sees William holding a picture of Hello Captain. The music goes to a soap-opera tone.) Why Willy? Haven't I always been there for you? Didn't I give you enough love? I even quit shaving my armpits for you!
The music ends abruptly as Leon stares at Annette with an expression of shock, confusion, and slight sickness.
Annette: Long story.
William: (Slashes Annette.) Consider this our term of divorce. Oh, and I call the big screen t.v. (Jumps into the ceiling.)
Leon: That didn't make any sense whatsoever.
Annette: A little help here?
Leon: Sorry, gotta go.
A few minutes later, Leon goes into the security office. On a cot lies Sherry, who is looking very pale.
Leon: Hey you're that brat from the police station.
Sherry: You're that dork that has been harassing Ada and Claire.
The two stare at each other as mortal enemies. Finally, Leon spoke, hoping for a truce between the two, so maybe just maybe, he might have a chance with Claire.
Leon: I'm here to take you to Claire. She's getting something for you.
Sherry: I want to tell you a secret. I-
Leon: (Very excided) Oh boy! I love secrets. Is this the latest scoop on Michael Jackson?
Sherry: No, (speaks very quietly and pulls blanket to chin in fear) I see dumb people. They don't know they're dumb, but they- (faints).
Leon: She sees dumb people. Oh that's a good one. Well I reckon I should get going.
Leon picks up Sherry and goes to the door. He tries to turn the knob, but it won't open. The door just won't budge.
Leon: Crap, what's going on? (Twists the knob in a different way. The door opens.) Oh, I was turning it- (at this moment, Leon S. Kennedy figures out that he is a dumb person.
The End
Ha, ha. Just kidding. Leon is inside the elevator with Sherry. Leon activates the emergency mode, enabling the elevator to move sideways, just like in Willy Wonka. After the ride, Leon enters the next train.
Leon: Geez, this is the third train tonight! Who made this game? Capcom or Union Pacific? (Looks at fainted Sherry) Stay here, okay?
Leon runs around until he is in the room with the big lava thing. He goes to the computer terminal and activates the train.
Terminal: Because the boss battles have been kind of dull, we decided to use the "charge up train" excuse to dim the lights.
The lights go out. Now mostly blinded, Leon stumbles around until he bumps into a body.
Leon: Sorry ma'am.
He looks closer and sees that it is actually Mr. X. You know, usually being in a pool of super hot liquid is something that is bad. Apparently, not in Mr. X's case though he had talons, and was now real quick, now that his spandex was melted away. Leon and the monster rage battle. Things aren't looking good for Leon until a rocket launcher comes down from above and hits him on the head.
Leon: Ouch, what do you want now, God?
Ada: Use the rocket launcher.
Leon: Is that you, Ada?
Ada: Who do you think it is?
Leon uses the rocket to kill the monster once and for all. The lights come back on and power has been returned. In the train landing, Leon encountered more zombies.
Leon: Damn, this means I have to kill another boss.
He kills the zombies, opens the gate, and goes inside. He heads into the control room.
Leon: Should I wait for Claire or get the Hell out of here? Better leave. (Pushes lever.)
A cut-scene ensures involving Clare barely making it into the train. She goes to Leon and slaps him. Then goes to Sherry and administers the cure. She wakes up and hugs Clare as Leon goes back into the control room.
Leon: Damn, would I love to make love Ada. (The train shakes violently.) I'm sorry Ada, I was just joking, I love you for your mind! Really!
Leon falls backwards out into the compartment where Claire and Sherry were.
Leon: You guys stay here, I'm gonna kill William once and for all, and take all the credit.
With his usual candor, Leon pulled out his trusted redneck firearm. He opens the door and the speaker goes off.
Train speaker: Attention, attention. Biohazard out-break inevitable, ha-ha, you're all going to die.
Leon: Oh no we're not! Somehow we will survive and eat ice cream. (Tries previous door, which is locked.) Oh God it's locked! We're all going to die!
William: Never mind the door dumb-ass! Come back over here so we can fight. I need to audition for a role in Silent Hill soon.
Leon goes to the back room and finishes off a part of William. He goes back to the locked door.
Leon: I still can't get the door open.
Sherry: That's because you're turning the knob the wrong way, again.
Claire: I knew it! Leon is a dumb person.
Sherry: That's right! He didn't know he was dumb, now he can't-.
Leon: Look, we already did that joke, can any of you open the door?
Sherry uses her small body to crawl inside the control room (which is locked as well). She presses the stop button, the train stops, and Leon, still on the roof, flies off and lands painfully on the tracks.
Leon: Oh sh-(is interrupted by sudden explosion of the train.).
Luckily, by the magic of Capcom, our heroes are outside of the blast radius. They belong in the Genius Book of World Records for running a half a mile in just a few seconds. But not all is over, for the words "The End?" hang in the air followed by ominous music. The camera is changed to a view of William, who is charred beyond all recognition.
Executive producer: Oops, it really is over.
The camera goes back to Leon, Claire, and Sherry.
Leon: It's all over.
Claire: Like Hell it is! My brother isn't here, Umbrella is still at large, Ada is still alive, Hunk retrieved the "G" virus, Sherry's parents are dead, and absolutely nothing in the plot progressed! If anything there are even more complications!
Sherry: At least you and me will be friends.
The music turns light classical as yet another drama unfolds unfolds.
Claire: Sherry, you've been a brave, smart young girl who has gone through many hardships. Unfortunately, because I can't find my brother, I'll have to leave you.
Sherry: Please don't!
Claire: Sherry, I'm sorry. But life is all about hardships, and this is one that I need to face. I don't like this anymore than you, however, I know you'll be strong and I can count on you to be able to take care of yourself.
Sherry: I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you to lose your brother. Please be careful.
Claire: Oh Sherry, you can-
Leon: Hey Claire and other girl, check me out!
The two friends look over to Leon, who was being moronic as usual with a gallon of whisky and dangling from a power line.
Clare: Leon you idiot, get down from there!
Leon: (Drunk.) Why should I listen to you? You ain't my mama.
Clare: If you don't get off, you'll be electrocuted.
Leon: I ain't gonna be elec-(pauses) what done did you-(line snaps) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The pain! (Falls down to the ground burned to a crisp.)
Sherry: I suppose we should get him to a hospital.
Claire: Looks like it. But damn, we are short one guy.
James Sunderland: I'll help you guys.
Clare: Hey! You're James from Silent Hill 2. I loved that game. By the way, what brings you here?
James: I'm looking for my wife, Mary. But we'll look for her some other time. We have to get this dork to the hospital.
The screen changes to a still-shot where the status is listed. In the background is a room from Silent Hill's hospital where Leon is lying down, strapped to the bed, while being tormented by Laura, also from Silent Hill 2. At the bottom of the screen are two words: The End.
Footnotes
This concludes my second full-length spoof and I hope you all enjoyed it. Usually, I would tell you guys that the next spoof, Resident Evil 3: Semi-Sissy will be coming soon, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I am going to finish writing some other humor stories before I get to that, like "The Three Amigos" and Max Pain in the Butt". One more thing, for those of you who want to take a break from comedy, I will be writing a 75% serious novelization of Silent Hill 2. Good day.
Chapter 4
The Stupidity Continues
Leon: This way, Ada. I know the way out of here.
Ada: Well that's very impressive Leon, CONSIDERING THERE'S ONLY ONE DOOR HERE!
Leon: No, look behind us, there is a door.
Ada: That's the door we used to get inside the room.
Leon: I don't know what you're so uptight about, I mean, I have a map.
Ada: I think it would be the best of both of our interest to inform you that you are holding it upside down!
Leon: (Turns map right-side up.) According to this map, we are in the sewers.
Ada: We just passed a sign that announced that awhile back.
The camera goes to a wall that said "Welcome to Raccoon City's Top Secret Sewers" below that was an arrow pointing to the gift shop and guest information. The camera goes back to the twosome enters the next room. Inside is a small elevator with a small door in the middle of the room. Leon opens the small door and peers down.
Leon: Sure is dark down there, I can't see the bottom.
Leon then swings his arms back and forth; he then jumps down, hitting the floor with his head.
Leon: Ouch.
When he regains conscious, he gets up and bumps into things for the next 45 minuets, Leon is able to get the lamps lighted, and he collects the ammo and heads up the ladder (Leon: There was a ladder here?) and reunites with Ada. They go down the elevator. At the bottom the duo encounter a white-coat clad women.
Leon: Oh no! It's one of them!
Ada: (Thinking) Does Leon know who she is and what she does? If so, I'll have to dispose of him.
Leon: It's a dentist!
Ada: (Thinking) Drat, and I had my hope set too. Well, better chase after her like a stooge.
They both waited patiently until the elevator reached the stopping point, then while Leon tried to escape the 'dentist' Ada tried to chase after her. She went into the middle of the t-shaped passage and the new women, (Annette is her name as you will come to know and hate her) shot at her. Ada decided to use one of her top secret and special moves of evasion. Pivoting sharply, she gracefully power-walked a few feet and quickly turned in the opposite direction. Back and forth she went and getting quicker.
Annette: (Thinking) Damn it! How did she know I was horrible at shooting galleries? I bet she has all sorts of information about me. Probably installed cameras into our home too. I should never have trusted that pizza delivery deal from Pizza Hut.
Annette finally drew a bead on Ada and fired. It would have hit Ada too if Leon hadn't tripped in his panic, falling into Ada in the process. Annette runs away while Ada is on the ground with Leon on top of her.
Ada: Leon, you're a nice looking guy and all, but DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED FIRST YOU DISGUSTING PIG? (Violently pushes Leon off, then notices Leon's wound.) Leon, don't worry I'll avenge your death!
Leon: Um, actually, I'm quite fine, but I would (Ada leaves) like some medical attention.
Ada: (In sewer water, watching Annette go up the ladder on the opposite wall.) After all the time that that cut-scene took and she is only this far? My what a slow runner.
Ada races after her and climbs the ladder. Ada is now on the other side of passageway. For some odd reason, the bugs that were in the previous hallway did not come out and attack her, but hey, that's Capcom logic for you. The camera, being oppressive as usual, disabled Ada from seeing Annette aiming a gun at her. Annette must be lucky because in the few minutes she went from a bumbling gunner to an expert sharpshooter.
Ada: (Thinking) Aw crap I'm dead. (Speaking) I'm here to um, fix the toilets?
Annette: (Lowers gun) Oh, well the bathroom is- hey, we don't have any bathrooms here. Come to think of it, there are no bathrooms in this entire video game! Now, concerning your outfit, given the style and color, you are either a hooker or a spy.
Ada: (Thinking) I have the feeling that whatever I say, I'll regret it. (Speaking) I'm a hooker.
Annette: Ew! Get away from me!
Ada was more than happy to oblige, but Annette interrupted her as she was picking up her gun.
Annette: That pendent! Where did you get that?
Ada: Um, Wal-Mart?
Annette: You liar! They only sell the silver variations. Give it back to me!
Ada: No! It is my precious! (Hisses)
The two then engage in a catfight amidst the howls of joy amongst the teenage boys. Somehow, they trip and fall into a vat of mud, how it got there, nobody knows or cares. Ada eventually gets the upper hand and pushes Annette out of the vat and onto the hard conceit ground. Ada cleans up, and then goes to where her gun fell off.
Ada: I could go see if Leon is okay, or I could go down the ladder to see what's down there, which most likely will have some lame excuse for the game to switch back to Leon.
She holstered her gun and went down the ladder. Once on the landing, something came out of the water.
Ada: Can't climb ladder, why? Don't know. Gotta waste ammo on the- (Screen cuts to Leon.)
Leon gets up and stands upright. His posture was very fine; in fact, it was difficult to tell that he was shot.
Leon: Should I get medical help, or run after Ada. (Thinks for a few seconds) Better find Ada.
Leon has some good times killing spiders, (Leon: All this ammo and not one can of Raid) and he found a few more dead people.
Leon: (Screaming) Ah! Corpses! (Sees wolf metal) Oh, something shiny! Must pick up.
Leon takes the item and the letter.
Letter: To Agent Hunk, There is a vial somewhere in the secret lab of Raccoon City. (We can't tell you the location of the lab because then it wouldn't be a secret now would it?) We want you to go fetch it by any means necessary. Yes, yes we know that Birkin (the creator) is a good employee and all, but frankly we just can't wait two more hours. Failure is not an option. Because most likely, you'll be dead.
Leon put the letter down and headed to the turntable. In there, he had the misfortune of relishing that he would need the valve handle to continue on.
Leon: Good God! What is up with all of these blocked doors and keys? How the Hell did anybody get any work done here?
Leon huffs angrily as he walks past a whole shelf of valve handles. After several minuets, Leon comes back to the area. He inserts and spins the handle, which brings the bridge down. Leon crosses, goes through the door and runs the remaining corridors till he sees Ada, shooting at the water.
Leon: Ada! That's not how you go fishing! You use a pole.
Ada stopped firing and would have shouted back to Leon (something on the lines of: I'm not fishing you idiot!) but something came between them. A HUGE something to be more accurate, it was a crocodile. It tried to swallow Leon, but with his amazing agility caused by supreme alcoholic consumption, he bolted from the fierce teeth and ran like a pansy, what he does best. Somehow, the croc had completely forgotten Ada. She sat down and counted the reasons she hated Leon. Leon ran like Hell, turning every once in a while to see if the monster was still pursuing him. Unfortunately, for him, it was. Things weren't looking any better when he tripped over a large container.
Leon: Stupid thing! (Gives it a swift kick) Hey, this says ex-plos-ive? What does that mean?
Leon didn't have much time to ponder this since the croc was quickly advancing on him. Frantically, he went to the door and tried to open it. No such luck as the message confirmed his worst fear.
Message: In case of hungry crocodile attack, you are screwed.
Leon: Oh sh- (crocodile roars)
A last ray of hope comes to Leon as he remembered the explosive barrel he tripped over. Luck had come back to him temporarily as the crocodile had swallowed up part of it. Leon aimed and shot, killing the monster in a fantastic B-grade movie fashion.
Leon: Ha! Take that Mother Nature! Just try to stop me from burning ants.
Leon runs back to Ada. She is still counting her reasons on why she hated Leon.
Ada: (Thinking) 105,338, 105,339-
Leon: Ada!
Ada: (Interrupted thinking) 105, 408? Damn lost count.
Ada then helps Leon dress wounds, not because she likes him, but because she knows that Leon will follow her so she figured that she might as well lower the amount of blood that will get on her. After she was done, she talked to Leon.
Ada: I just found out, my boyfriend is dead.
Leon: What in the name of England does that have to do with anything?
Ada: I suppose nothing, but let's face it, this video game is short on plot and putting a pang of sadness was the only thing I could contribute to.
Because in the next few minuets all our characters do is backtrack (and I can't make any new jokes out of that) we will now pick-up our story where they are about to board the first train. Leon looked at the control board and gave his expert professional opinion of the situation.
Leon: Inky, binky, bonky, daddy had a donkey. Daddy died donkey cried, inky, binky, bonky!
Leon's finger landed on surprisingly the correct button. The train came and the two stepped in. It was picking up speed when suddenly- (there is a cut-scene to the roof where nothing happens) I SAID SUDDENLY (a claw comes through the roof. The almost terrifying whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop floated in as well. Arnold, actor and current leader of California, comes in wearing all black and brandishing a shotgun.
Arnold: Connor! Get down!
Leon: Wait a minuet! This isn't Terminator Two. This is Resident Evil Two.
Arnold: Well this scene is so much like the movie.
Leon: This is OUR game. Leave.
Arnold curses and exits, Ada and Leon then shoot the claw, after a while, until it too leaves. Oddly enough, the train stops. Leon and his Asian associate enter the next room, which is teeming with zombies. Same bio- weapons, just different locations. Leon then makes an excellent discovery.
Leon: Hey Ada! Look what I found!
In Leon's hand was the hillbilly shotgun. Capable of giving you a big old kick and reducing zombies to powdered milk. Leon holds it up and it spins in his hands like Link in the Zelda games.
Ada: Are done Leon?
Leon: Yes Zelda, I mean Ada. Let's get going.
Ada: and Leon leave and blast all of the zombies in a shooting gallery hallway. They turn the corner and go up the ladder. They are now in the control room.
Ada: We finally arrived.
Leon: Yeah, but where are we? What is this place?
Ada: Umbrella's secret lab entrance.
Leon: How did you know that?
Ada: Uh, I looked at the sign.
Leon: What sign?
Ada: That sign over there.
While Leon turned around, Ada got ready to hit him on the head with the butt of her gun. At this point, Ada saw that the train was gone.
Ada: Ah crap!
Leon: What!
Ada: Oh, there's a big hole over there.
Leon: A big hole? Cool. (Now in front of the hole) Wow, I bet you could get to China from here. (Looks at the tiny lift and the door set in the wall.) Hey, where does that lead?
Ada: Don't know. Why don't you go check?
Leon: Are you going with me?
Ada: No, I'm going to, uh, check the computers. Yeah that's it, bye.
Ada leaves, which leaves Leon to investigate the room. Inside, Leon finds the key he needs to get the lift back to the surface from the secret lab, which has been mentioned so much that by now it is no longer a secret. Leon also finds an employment ad.
Ad: Are you an evil sadist? Do you enjoy making chemicals that will end the human race as we know it? Did you detest the Lord of the Rings movies? If you answered "yes" to all of these questions, then you my friend are twisted enough to work at Umbrella. No experience required, just a hideous grudge against all of humanity in general. Apply at your nearest tobacco company. For farther information, contact you local- (the ad was torn here.)
Leon turned to go to the ladder when he came face-to face with a blond man. He was about as tall as Leon and carried a wooden plank with some nails sticking out of the end.
Leon: Who the Hell are you?
James Sunderland: I'm James Sunderland from Silent Hill 2. I've been watching you and you are, without any doubt, the biggest moron to ever appear in a video game. Even in a spoof of a video game.
Leon: What's your point?
James S.: My point is that I'm going to knock some sense into you.
James starts to hit Leon repeatedly with the plank. The problem is, Leon wasn't getting any smarter, not even any dumber (he had hit the bottom years ago). James gives up and leaves. When Leon wakes up, he goes back to Ada, who is playing "Pong" on the computer.
Leon: What are you doing Ada?
Ada: (Erases screen) Important work that is totally top-secret. Did you find anything?
Leon puts the key in and the train-like lift (if you ever played "Outbreak" you'll see that it doubles as a train at the end of the second level.) comes to the surface. Leon pushes the activation button and goes inside with Ada. Once again, the animation gets an up-grade as the elevator/train/hunk of crap drops down. The camera goes to the inside of the cab. The animation has gone back to "good for a N-64." A few seconds later, William makes another appearance.
William: Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop!
His claw pierces the wall and strikes Ada in the arm. She falls unconscious, with Xs in her eyes. Leon, with his stupendous stupidity, talks to Ada.
Leon: Say something if you don't want me to take your wallet.
William roars again, Leon walks out, prepared to do battle.
Leon: That's it! I'm going to teach you a lesson about disturbing me from stealing.
Leon takes out his pistol and hillbilly shotgun. Outside, Leon walks the perimeter of the train when suddenly; a pipe is thrown from the roof. It misses Leon by a mile. Leon looks at the roof and sees William, in his second form. He releases his almost terrifying cry of, well, almost terror.
William: (Yelling while mutating, making the sound very high-pitched.) Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.
Leon shoots William until he goes down. Leon goes back inside. As if by magic, the train stops. Ada wakes up and the screen goes black for a few seconds. Ada moans and for the sake of the youngsters out there (shame on you for playing a 'M' rated game), we won't go into further detail.
Leon: Welcome back to the side of the living.
Ada: Where are we?
The camera is now outside once again and as Leon replies with "I don't know", the gamer sees a vast array of signs that proclaim "Welcome to Umbrella's secret lab! Don't tell anyone." Camera goes back to Leon.
Leon: I don't know, China? Anyway I'm going to go wonder around randomly until more stuff happens.
Ada: But why?
Leon: Hoe the Hell should I know?
Leon gets off the train and goes down into the bowels of the 'secret' facility. Some time later, the train resumes its decent. He activates the elevator down to floor 4 after he kills the enhanced lickers. He then pushes a box to a stack of blocks to gain entry to an area that he wouldn't be going to yet if I was going to follow the plot of the game, but I just find too much humor in the sequence. Leon uses the key that mysteriously appeared in his inventory due to my laziness. Inside is room with a gigantic thing that is controlled by a single computer. You would think that Umbrella would conserve space and just keep their crap in just one or two rooms, but no, they have to have this big ol' fort with most of the place closed off in the first place. How egocentric can these people get? Whoops, I'm getting off the point. Leon goes to the end of the room when suddenly, Mr. X drops down from the ceiling. Instead of shooting the monster, Leon backs up to the wall. The end is coming to our brave (cough), smart (ass) hero as the nightmare approaches at a deadly rate of two miles per hour. Ada came to the rescue as she shot Mr. X in the head.
Ada: Leon, run!
Where? This dumb ass is blocking the only exit.
Mr. X grabs Ada, who shoots wildly into its face. In retaliation, it throws her into the computer, which doesn't break, but Leon quickly runs up and finishes it off with some bullets. With blood in its eyes, Mr. X falls off the walkway into a vat of molten lava, which is there for no logical reason. Leon holds up a sign that has "3.5" written on it.
Leon: I'll give him points for effort. (Goes to Ada who says some romantic stuff to him that gives the game something other than chunks of blood and gore. Enjoy it while you can though, because as far as I can tell, this is the only action that the cast of Re gets in these games. Leon heads to the room where the elevator is located. Meanwhile, Mr. X's hand comes out of the lava, looking like a very horribly drawn glove.
Mr. X: (Thinking) He gave me a three? I'll teach him a lesson.
On the way back to the room with the elevator, Leon's radio went off, Clare's voice filled the area. Not realizing that sound was coming from his hip not his head, Leon dropped down to his knees, as if begging God for assistance.
Leon: (Yelling) No! I will burn things no more! You have no power over me you leprechauns.
Claire: No you idiot, it's me Claire. This girl that I found is in trouble and I need you to go to the security office and take her to the train for me while I make the antidote for her.
Leon: But I don't want to, it sounds like a lot of work.
Claire: If you don't I'll –(Claire threatens Leon with one of the most horrifying things that would scare any man into unstoppable terror. It is so nerve-wrecking that I won't mention it here.)
Leon: (Gasp) All right, I'll do it!
Without wasting a second, he rushes into the room, where Annette is sticking him up with the business end of her gun.
Annette: You killed my husband! I'll never forgive you for that!
Leon: Husband? Oh, you must mean that ugly thing that I blasted on the train. He was weak and so easy to beat, but I don't think he's dead. He ran away like a coward. Ha!
Needless to say, Leon doesn't have much experience with hostage negotiation. Even when it involves himself. But luckily, a confusing cut- scene saved the day.
William: Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop (very high pitched)!
Annette: (Runs down the passage until William drops down in his third form). You're still alive! (Sees William holding a picture of Hello Captain. The music goes to a soap-opera tone.) Why Willy? Haven't I always been there for you? Didn't I give you enough love? I even quit shaving my armpits for you!
The music ends abruptly as Leon stares at Annette with an expression of shock, confusion, and slight sickness.
Annette: Long story.
William: (Slashes Annette.) Consider this our term of divorce. Oh, and I call the big screen t.v. (Jumps into the ceiling.)
Leon: That didn't make any sense whatsoever.
Annette: A little help here?
Leon: Sorry, gotta go.
A few minutes later, Leon goes into the security office. On a cot lies Sherry, who is looking very pale.
Leon: Hey you're that brat from the police station.
Sherry: You're that dork that has been harassing Ada and Claire.
The two stare at each other as mortal enemies. Finally, Leon spoke, hoping for a truce between the two, so maybe just maybe, he might have a chance with Claire.
Leon: I'm here to take you to Claire. She's getting something for you.
Sherry: I want to tell you a secret. I-
Leon: (Very excided) Oh boy! I love secrets. Is this the latest scoop on Michael Jackson?
Sherry: No, (speaks very quietly and pulls blanket to chin in fear) I see dumb people. They don't know they're dumb, but they- (faints).
Leon: She sees dumb people. Oh that's a good one. Well I reckon I should get going.
Leon picks up Sherry and goes to the door. He tries to turn the knob, but it won't open. The door just won't budge.
Leon: Crap, what's going on? (Twists the knob in a different way. The door opens.) Oh, I was turning it- (at this moment, Leon S. Kennedy figures out that he is a dumb person.
The End
Ha, ha. Just kidding. Leon is inside the elevator with Sherry. Leon activates the emergency mode, enabling the elevator to move sideways, just like in Willy Wonka. After the ride, Leon enters the next train.
Leon: Geez, this is the third train tonight! Who made this game? Capcom or Union Pacific? (Looks at fainted Sherry) Stay here, okay?
Leon runs around until he is in the room with the big lava thing. He goes to the computer terminal and activates the train.
Terminal: Because the boss battles have been kind of dull, we decided to use the "charge up train" excuse to dim the lights.
The lights go out. Now mostly blinded, Leon stumbles around until he bumps into a body.
Leon: Sorry ma'am.
He looks closer and sees that it is actually Mr. X. You know, usually being in a pool of super hot liquid is something that is bad. Apparently, not in Mr. X's case though he had talons, and was now real quick, now that his spandex was melted away. Leon and the monster rage battle. Things aren't looking good for Leon until a rocket launcher comes down from above and hits him on the head.
Leon: Ouch, what do you want now, God?
Ada: Use the rocket launcher.
Leon: Is that you, Ada?
Ada: Who do you think it is?
Leon uses the rocket to kill the monster once and for all. The lights come back on and power has been returned. In the train landing, Leon encountered more zombies.
Leon: Damn, this means I have to kill another boss.
He kills the zombies, opens the gate, and goes inside. He heads into the control room.
Leon: Should I wait for Claire or get the Hell out of here? Better leave. (Pushes lever.)
A cut-scene ensures involving Clare barely making it into the train. She goes to Leon and slaps him. Then goes to Sherry and administers the cure. She wakes up and hugs Clare as Leon goes back into the control room.
Leon: Damn, would I love to make love Ada. (The train shakes violently.) I'm sorry Ada, I was just joking, I love you for your mind! Really!
Leon falls backwards out into the compartment where Claire and Sherry were.
Leon: You guys stay here, I'm gonna kill William once and for all, and take all the credit.
With his usual candor, Leon pulled out his trusted redneck firearm. He opens the door and the speaker goes off.
Train speaker: Attention, attention. Biohazard out-break inevitable, ha-ha, you're all going to die.
Leon: Oh no we're not! Somehow we will survive and eat ice cream. (Tries previous door, which is locked.) Oh God it's locked! We're all going to die!
William: Never mind the door dumb-ass! Come back over here so we can fight. I need to audition for a role in Silent Hill soon.
Leon goes to the back room and finishes off a part of William. He goes back to the locked door.
Leon: I still can't get the door open.
Sherry: That's because you're turning the knob the wrong way, again.
Claire: I knew it! Leon is a dumb person.
Sherry: That's right! He didn't know he was dumb, now he can't-.
Leon: Look, we already did that joke, can any of you open the door?
Sherry uses her small body to crawl inside the control room (which is locked as well). She presses the stop button, the train stops, and Leon, still on the roof, flies off and lands painfully on the tracks.
Leon: Oh sh-(is interrupted by sudden explosion of the train.).
Luckily, by the magic of Capcom, our heroes are outside of the blast radius. They belong in the Genius Book of World Records for running a half a mile in just a few seconds. But not all is over, for the words "The End?" hang in the air followed by ominous music. The camera is changed to a view of William, who is charred beyond all recognition.
Executive producer: Oops, it really is over.
The camera goes back to Leon, Claire, and Sherry.
Leon: It's all over.
Claire: Like Hell it is! My brother isn't here, Umbrella is still at large, Ada is still alive, Hunk retrieved the "G" virus, Sherry's parents are dead, and absolutely nothing in the plot progressed! If anything there are even more complications!
Sherry: At least you and me will be friends.
The music turns light classical as yet another drama unfolds unfolds.
Claire: Sherry, you've been a brave, smart young girl who has gone through many hardships. Unfortunately, because I can't find my brother, I'll have to leave you.
Sherry: Please don't!
Claire: Sherry, I'm sorry. But life is all about hardships, and this is one that I need to face. I don't like this anymore than you, however, I know you'll be strong and I can count on you to be able to take care of yourself.
Sherry: I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you to lose your brother. Please be careful.
Claire: Oh Sherry, you can-
Leon: Hey Claire and other girl, check me out!
The two friends look over to Leon, who was being moronic as usual with a gallon of whisky and dangling from a power line.
Clare: Leon you idiot, get down from there!
Leon: (Drunk.) Why should I listen to you? You ain't my mama.
Clare: If you don't get off, you'll be electrocuted.
Leon: I ain't gonna be elec-(pauses) what done did you-(line snaps) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The pain! (Falls down to the ground burned to a crisp.)
Sherry: I suppose we should get him to a hospital.
Claire: Looks like it. But damn, we are short one guy.
James Sunderland: I'll help you guys.
Clare: Hey! You're James from Silent Hill 2. I loved that game. By the way, what brings you here?
James: I'm looking for my wife, Mary. But we'll look for her some other time. We have to get this dork to the hospital.
The screen changes to a still-shot where the status is listed. In the background is a room from Silent Hill's hospital where Leon is lying down, strapped to the bed, while being tormented by Laura, also from Silent Hill 2. At the bottom of the screen are two words: The End.
Footnotes
This concludes my second full-length spoof and I hope you all enjoyed it. Usually, I would tell you guys that the next spoof, Resident Evil 3: Semi-Sissy will be coming soon, but unfortunately, that is not the case. I am going to finish writing some other humor stories before I get to that, like "The Three Amigos" and Max Pain in the Butt". One more thing, for those of you who want to take a break from comedy, I will be writing a 75% serious novelization of Silent Hill 2. Good day.