sugary-flames: Okay, so far the FF7's have experienced:
A long and boring train journey. A short run-in with Harry's sworn enemy, Mouthwash. A suspicious looking snake. Broomstick 'falling' lessons.
And now they are about to set off on a totally pointless journey. Can it get any worse!?!?
o0o
Harry hung his head in shame.
"Will I ever be me own self? The great 'arry Potter? I guess I's forever to be demoted to the Dark Forest Gateaux where I shall mope in me shack. Come join me in me 'ouse ol' friends won't ya?" Harry sighed. "May's well be known as 'agrid from nows on..." The violins began to... "SHUDDUP!" Harry angered.
"There's something that I've been meaning to ask." Ron started.
"Well save it, dumbass foo!" Barret yelled.
"Grr..." Ron growled, "anyway, I've been wondering- where is the real Hagrid?"
"I dunno." Harrgrid replied, stroking his beard in deep thought. "What did happen to the real Hagrid..."
(prologue) Hagrid, who was in a different part of the train in the first place, slunk out of his compartment worriedly after the spell that he didn't know had been cast had worked it's magic. He didn't know what had happened to him. He had certainly lost weight all of a sudden!
Her ran down aisles and aisles full of students practising spells and jabbering away to each other. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a tall brunette who he thought was totally hot, saunter past admiring herself in a small mirror.
He snatched the mirror off the girl, eager to see himself and see who he had been transformed into. Hagrid new that the spell cast was a transformation spell, but he could have turned into anyone. Even scabby Ron Weasly!
"You vain b!!!!!d!" She shrieked. But then she stopped, mid sentence. "You're... oh, I'm so sorry! You're..."
He looked into the small compact-mirror. He could only see the top half of his face as the mirror was so small but it was enough. Broken glasses... lightening scar... he was... he was...
"IT'S THE GREAT HARRY POTTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The girl screamed to all her friends and they all pounced on him for an autograph.
"Woah baby!" Hagrid felt a mound of girls pile on top of him. "I better stay away from the others so they don't change me back!" And he was smothered by adoring fans all the way to Hogwarts.
Anyway, back to the present.
Yuffie crossed her legs, hopping around. "Err... Harrgr-whatever? Is there a toilet in your shack?" (Isn't it strange the way that when you play Final Fantasy the characters never need the bog?)
Harry grinned. "Theres an 'ole round the back!" He laughed when he saw how disgusted she looked. "I's only joking! I dunno do I? Who do yer think I's am, Hagrid?"
Yuffie rolled her eyes and wandered into the shack.
"Alrighty." Cloud broke the silence. "Is there any items we need before we..."
Cloud was cut off by Yuffie's high-pitched scream. She bolted out of the shack with a builders ass. "PERVY SNAKE, PERVY SNAKE!" She screamed.
"What the hell?" Said the spiky-haired man, confused.
"Professor... Snake... in... the shack... saw... my ass!" Yuffie puffed.
"What was he doin' in me shack?" Harry wondered.
"No idea... but he slithered into the forest." Yuffie pointed at the D.F.G in awe.
"Well go to the Gateaux and find out, then!" Harry yelled. "And remember to bring me the sacred slice from deep inside the very core. It is sacred."
So everyone except Harry moped off to find the sacred err... slice of gateaux. They did not hear Hagrid shout after them, "If yer 'arm anything living in the Dark Forest Gateaux the wrath of Voldeport will be on yer!"
The D.F.G (Dark Forest Gateaux) was as bright as anything. All the way there was a shining light blaring in their eyes and the trees were luminous yellow and bright orange with smiley faces.
"Too... bright..." Quivered Vincent. "I knew there was a catch to this Dark Forest thing." Suddenly a candy cane with big red lips, blonde hair and high heeled shoes came tap dancing towards them. "AAAAAAHHH! Living candy! Sweet, sugary candy! My nightmare has come true." Everyone glared in a strange manner at Vincent.
The candy cane bared it's teeth at them, "Hiya I... AAAAHHHHH!!!" Cait Sith ate it. The Dark Forest Gateaux suddenly turned dark and scary. Cait Sith burped, guiltily. A cloaked figure holding several wine bottles came riding towards them on a staggering drunken horse.
"I am... hic Voldeport. As mentioned in my name I hic am an alcoholic! Beware! You killed my candy cane, you will pay! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! BURP!" Voldeport fell of his horse, drunk style.
Suddenly, a strange horned beast came crookedly galloping towards them. It had black hair and a man's head and shoulders and bent horns, a bent neck and bent legs. It had blood all over it.
"I'm... dying... save me..." The creature spluttered, looking hopefully at Voldeport. Voldeport began to feel faint at the sight of the creatures blood.
"Eeeeew! Blood! Just you wait.... I'll be back..." Voldeport shook his fist. "After I've been to the pub..." He staggered away with his crazy horse trotting after him, frothing at the mouth. Hermione gasped at the half man- half beast.
"You, you saved us! But you are wounded and... you are so handsome, a little bent in places but so..." The thing cleared it's throat, cutting the romantic boffin off.
"I am a Bent-aur, one of the Bentaurs. A superior race, but because we are so bent, people think we're... different." A tear dribbled from the eye of the Bentaur. "My name is Ben. I am not wounded, this is the thing they call ketchup. You see, Voldeport is allergic to Bentaur blood, which is highly poisonous. So I acted like I was bleeding!" The four-armed Bentaur stated. Tifa changed the subject.
"We're trying to find the sacred slice of gateaux. Any ideas where that is? An intelligent creature like you must have some idea..." Tifa batted her eyes, flirting.
Ben looked puzzle, "It's uh... that way..." Ben said, his four arms pointing in different directions.
"Well that's a lot of help." Cloud replied, sarcastically.
"I'm glad my help is useful to you, my friends, people say I'm thick and my help is not needed... but you are the exceptions." The Bentaur proudly gushed, thanking itself. It didn't know what sarcastic meant.
Soon they came to a large, volcanic mound in the centre of the D.F.G. It was obvious that inside it was the sacred slice. They climbed up, on their hands and knees as it was so steep- occasionally rolling back down.
"But I'm allergic to rocks!" Hermione kept whining.
The mound was gritty, and after two and a half hours they reached the top, exhausted and hands bleeding. "I think I broke a nail!" Hermione whinged. There was a small platform with the slice upon it and they threw a rope down, trying not to focus too much attention on the boiling lava. "But I get heat rash!" She moaned for the millionth time.
Cloud began to go down where he would collect the scabby slice of gateaux for Harry who they were seriously pissed off at. It did not look sacred at all.
"This is cheesecake!" Cloud shouted, examining it and nibbling at a corner. There was a series of
"So where do we go now?" Red wondered.
"I...munch.....don't......munch......know.....BURP!" By the end of Barret's sentence the cheesecake was gone.
"C'mon lets go." Yuffie beckoned.
"We have to find the sacred slice!" Cait Sith said.
"Harry probably wanted it so he could make a spell to stop poverty and cruelty to animals. Well... it's got to be important." Said Cait Sith.
"Yeah... let's keep looking. I know! Lets split up. Me, Red, Tifa, Barret and Ron... hey where is he?" The small cat riding on a stuffed toy wondered, looking around.
"RON!" Everyone chorused. They looked up and saw Ron hanging upside down in a net-trap.
"Uh... a finding spell gone wrong." Ron stated.
"Get down from there, one does not want to be embarrassed by a idiotic fool." Hermione yanked Ron down and cleared her throat. "I can not go on with this journey. I am allergic to air Cough "
"Oh brother... you get Hermione and the others." Red sighed. The others groaned and they started searching.
o0o
Cid stuck his hand in a hole in a tree and pulled out a disgusting bug.
"Heeeyyy... Is this the sacred slice?" Cid wondered. The cricket chirped.
"No, this is! Tifa screeched, yanking away Cait Sith's megaphone and thrusting it at Cid.
"That aint even a sacred sh!t!" Cid shouted. "Our team aint doin' very well. I bet the others have found it by now. Ron tripped over his feet.
"Ooooh! A worm!" He exclaimed, yanking up a familiar looking snake. "Is this the sacred slice?" He chucked the snake as far as he could when he saw the look he got and the snake flew over the horizon, hissing.
o0o
Hermione twirled her ringlets, searching through her overloaded brain to think of a way to get the sacred slice.
"Aha! I'll magic one up!" Hermione smiled. "Sacridus appearus!" Hermione "Awwww... I could of ate that!" Barret moaned. "Oh, What the 'ell." He picked the commanded, and a slice of gateaux appeared with a tag on it saying. 'This slice of cake is sacred... honest." Hermione threw it on the ground. "No way, it can not be the sacred slice."
cake of the muddy ground and shovelled it into his mouth. "Tasts....lllk...drrt...." Barret spoke, his mouth full of cake.
Suddenly, a glowing slice of cake (which looked suspiciously like gateaux) came puffing and panting towards them.
"Help me! Everyone wants to eat me!" The cake said. "For I am not like the other slices of gateaux."
"Have you seen the sacred slice of gateaux?" Aeris asked.
"I am the sacred slice! DUH! But... don't eat me!" Barret lurched forward, his mouth open, but Aeris and Cid held him back.
"We're not here to eat you! We're here to find you and put you in a potion so you can stop poverty and sickness and..." Hermione's long list went on.
"Yeah, yeah! Wait! Did you say sickness? As in, sick-of-your-boyfriend-and- want-a-new-one?" The cake looked at them hopefully.
"No I didn't..." Hermione began but Aeris cut her off.
"That's exactly what kind of sickness we meant!"
"Whoa! I'm there baby YEAH!" The cake squealed.
And so the cake, the group and the other group (who they eventually found) began to head back to Hagrid's shack.
o0o
When they got back they presented the cake to Harry.
"And now make that potion to stop sickness!" The cake smiled.
Harry took one look at the cake and scoffed it. Everyone gasped.
"YOU ATE THE SACRED SLICE!"
"Wos 'ungry." Harry shrugged. "What? Gotta eat sumtimes yer know. That wos the 'ole point of sending yer off into the forest. Can't just pop down to Sainsbury's these days!" Harry grunted. "The only spell yer need is to make me turn back too the famous 'arry Potter!"
"You... made... us... go... into... AAARRGHH!" Vincent fumed, "So... bright... need... black... room... now...!!!"
"Strange." Harry shrugged and turned to Hermione "How about one of our love sessions in the janitor's closet, baby?"
"UGH! I say! Stupid lummox! You wouldn't even fit in there on your own, let alone you and me! If you were back in Harry Potter's body then I would definitely reconsider..." Hermione replied, disgusted.
"Boo hoo. I've lost everything... my body... my fame... my girlfr..."
"I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Hermione yelled, nearly blasting Harry back into the Dark Forest. "I am Harry's girlfriend!"
"But I am Harry!" Harry cried. "Sheesh, I'm so gonna dump her when I get back in my real body... as a famous person I'll have loads of girls swooning all over me..."
"Awww." Cloud sighed "I thought she was pretty hot." Cloud covered his mouth with his hand after getting a evil glare from Tifa. "But nobody's as hot as you, baby!" Cloud remarked. Tifa tossed her hair and smiled smugly at him.
"Oh, Cloudy..." Tifa swooned and Cloud cringed.
"Per-lease! Enough with the love already!" Ron mimed being sick. "Let's just get on with it, I think Professor Snake might have dressed up as Voldeport to fool us. I have a bad feeling about that Snake.
"Really, we better search for him then." Tifa said. Hermione leant over to her, whispering in her ear.
"Never trust him, he's always wrong!" But the party were already walking away. "Looks like they've decided to follow Ron... oh god..." Hermione sighed and her and Tifa ran as fast as they could to catch up.
o0o
sugary-flames: Wow, that sure was one long chapter. Probably my longest one yet! Anyway, I say this nearly every chapter. PLEASE R&R!!!
A long and boring train journey. A short run-in with Harry's sworn enemy, Mouthwash. A suspicious looking snake. Broomstick 'falling' lessons.
And now they are about to set off on a totally pointless journey. Can it get any worse!?!?
o0o
Harry hung his head in shame.
"Will I ever be me own self? The great 'arry Potter? I guess I's forever to be demoted to the Dark Forest Gateaux where I shall mope in me shack. Come join me in me 'ouse ol' friends won't ya?" Harry sighed. "May's well be known as 'agrid from nows on..." The violins began to... "SHUDDUP!" Harry angered.
"There's something that I've been meaning to ask." Ron started.
"Well save it, dumbass foo!" Barret yelled.
"Grr..." Ron growled, "anyway, I've been wondering- where is the real Hagrid?"
"I dunno." Harrgrid replied, stroking his beard in deep thought. "What did happen to the real Hagrid..."
(prologue) Hagrid, who was in a different part of the train in the first place, slunk out of his compartment worriedly after the spell that he didn't know had been cast had worked it's magic. He didn't know what had happened to him. He had certainly lost weight all of a sudden!
Her ran down aisles and aisles full of students practising spells and jabbering away to each other. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a tall brunette who he thought was totally hot, saunter past admiring herself in a small mirror.
He snatched the mirror off the girl, eager to see himself and see who he had been transformed into. Hagrid new that the spell cast was a transformation spell, but he could have turned into anyone. Even scabby Ron Weasly!
"You vain b!!!!!d!" She shrieked. But then she stopped, mid sentence. "You're... oh, I'm so sorry! You're..."
He looked into the small compact-mirror. He could only see the top half of his face as the mirror was so small but it was enough. Broken glasses... lightening scar... he was... he was...
"IT'S THE GREAT HARRY POTTER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The girl screamed to all her friends and they all pounced on him for an autograph.
"Woah baby!" Hagrid felt a mound of girls pile on top of him. "I better stay away from the others so they don't change me back!" And he was smothered by adoring fans all the way to Hogwarts.
Anyway, back to the present.
Yuffie crossed her legs, hopping around. "Err... Harrgr-whatever? Is there a toilet in your shack?" (Isn't it strange the way that when you play Final Fantasy the characters never need the bog?)
Harry grinned. "Theres an 'ole round the back!" He laughed when he saw how disgusted she looked. "I's only joking! I dunno do I? Who do yer think I's am, Hagrid?"
Yuffie rolled her eyes and wandered into the shack.
"Alrighty." Cloud broke the silence. "Is there any items we need before we..."
Cloud was cut off by Yuffie's high-pitched scream. She bolted out of the shack with a builders ass. "PERVY SNAKE, PERVY SNAKE!" She screamed.
"What the hell?" Said the spiky-haired man, confused.
"Professor... Snake... in... the shack... saw... my ass!" Yuffie puffed.
"What was he doin' in me shack?" Harry wondered.
"No idea... but he slithered into the forest." Yuffie pointed at the D.F.G in awe.
"Well go to the Gateaux and find out, then!" Harry yelled. "And remember to bring me the sacred slice from deep inside the very core. It is sacred."
So everyone except Harry moped off to find the sacred err... slice of gateaux. They did not hear Hagrid shout after them, "If yer 'arm anything living in the Dark Forest Gateaux the wrath of Voldeport will be on yer!"
The D.F.G (Dark Forest Gateaux) was as bright as anything. All the way there was a shining light blaring in their eyes and the trees were luminous yellow and bright orange with smiley faces.
"Too... bright..." Quivered Vincent. "I knew there was a catch to this Dark Forest thing." Suddenly a candy cane with big red lips, blonde hair and high heeled shoes came tap dancing towards them. "AAAAAAHHH! Living candy! Sweet, sugary candy! My nightmare has come true." Everyone glared in a strange manner at Vincent.
The candy cane bared it's teeth at them, "Hiya I... AAAAHHHHH!!!" Cait Sith ate it. The Dark Forest Gateaux suddenly turned dark and scary. Cait Sith burped, guiltily. A cloaked figure holding several wine bottles came riding towards them on a staggering drunken horse.
"I am... hic Voldeport. As mentioned in my name I hic am an alcoholic! Beware! You killed my candy cane, you will pay! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! BURP!" Voldeport fell of his horse, drunk style.
Suddenly, a strange horned beast came crookedly galloping towards them. It had black hair and a man's head and shoulders and bent horns, a bent neck and bent legs. It had blood all over it.
"I'm... dying... save me..." The creature spluttered, looking hopefully at Voldeport. Voldeport began to feel faint at the sight of the creatures blood.
"Eeeeew! Blood! Just you wait.... I'll be back..." Voldeport shook his fist. "After I've been to the pub..." He staggered away with his crazy horse trotting after him, frothing at the mouth. Hermione gasped at the half man- half beast.
"You, you saved us! But you are wounded and... you are so handsome, a little bent in places but so..." The thing cleared it's throat, cutting the romantic boffin off.
"I am a Bent-aur, one of the Bentaurs. A superior race, but because we are so bent, people think we're... different." A tear dribbled from the eye of the Bentaur. "My name is Ben. I am not wounded, this is the thing they call ketchup. You see, Voldeport is allergic to Bentaur blood, which is highly poisonous. So I acted like I was bleeding!" The four-armed Bentaur stated. Tifa changed the subject.
"We're trying to find the sacred slice of gateaux. Any ideas where that is? An intelligent creature like you must have some idea..." Tifa batted her eyes, flirting.
Ben looked puzzle, "It's uh... that way..." Ben said, his four arms pointing in different directions.
"Well that's a lot of help." Cloud replied, sarcastically.
"I'm glad my help is useful to you, my friends, people say I'm thick and my help is not needed... but you are the exceptions." The Bentaur proudly gushed, thanking itself. It didn't know what sarcastic meant.
Soon they came to a large, volcanic mound in the centre of the D.F.G. It was obvious that inside it was the sacred slice. They climbed up, on their hands and knees as it was so steep- occasionally rolling back down.
"But I'm allergic to rocks!" Hermione kept whining.
The mound was gritty, and after two and a half hours they reached the top, exhausted and hands bleeding. "I think I broke a nail!" Hermione whinged. There was a small platform with the slice upon it and they threw a rope down, trying not to focus too much attention on the boiling lava. "But I get heat rash!" She moaned for the millionth time.
Cloud began to go down where he would collect the scabby slice of gateaux for Harry who they were seriously pissed off at. It did not look sacred at all.
"This is cheesecake!" Cloud shouted, examining it and nibbling at a corner. There was a series of
"So where do we go now?" Red wondered.
"I...munch.....don't......munch......know.....BURP!" By the end of Barret's sentence the cheesecake was gone.
"C'mon lets go." Yuffie beckoned.
"We have to find the sacred slice!" Cait Sith said.
"Harry probably wanted it so he could make a spell to stop poverty and cruelty to animals. Well... it's got to be important." Said Cait Sith.
"Yeah... let's keep looking. I know! Lets split up. Me, Red, Tifa, Barret and Ron... hey where is he?" The small cat riding on a stuffed toy wondered, looking around.
"RON!" Everyone chorused. They looked up and saw Ron hanging upside down in a net-trap.
"Uh... a finding spell gone wrong." Ron stated.
"Get down from there, one does not want to be embarrassed by a idiotic fool." Hermione yanked Ron down and cleared her throat. "I can not go on with this journey. I am allergic to air Cough "
"Oh brother... you get Hermione and the others." Red sighed. The others groaned and they started searching.
o0o
Cid stuck his hand in a hole in a tree and pulled out a disgusting bug.
"Heeeyyy... Is this the sacred slice?" Cid wondered. The cricket chirped.
"No, this is! Tifa screeched, yanking away Cait Sith's megaphone and thrusting it at Cid.
"That aint even a sacred sh!t!" Cid shouted. "Our team aint doin' very well. I bet the others have found it by now. Ron tripped over his feet.
"Ooooh! A worm!" He exclaimed, yanking up a familiar looking snake. "Is this the sacred slice?" He chucked the snake as far as he could when he saw the look he got and the snake flew over the horizon, hissing.
o0o
Hermione twirled her ringlets, searching through her overloaded brain to think of a way to get the sacred slice.
"Aha! I'll magic one up!" Hermione smiled. "Sacridus appearus!" Hermione "Awwww... I could of ate that!" Barret moaned. "Oh, What the 'ell." He picked the commanded, and a slice of gateaux appeared with a tag on it saying. 'This slice of cake is sacred... honest." Hermione threw it on the ground. "No way, it can not be the sacred slice."
cake of the muddy ground and shovelled it into his mouth. "Tasts....lllk...drrt...." Barret spoke, his mouth full of cake.
Suddenly, a glowing slice of cake (which looked suspiciously like gateaux) came puffing and panting towards them.
"Help me! Everyone wants to eat me!" The cake said. "For I am not like the other slices of gateaux."
"Have you seen the sacred slice of gateaux?" Aeris asked.
"I am the sacred slice! DUH! But... don't eat me!" Barret lurched forward, his mouth open, but Aeris and Cid held him back.
"We're not here to eat you! We're here to find you and put you in a potion so you can stop poverty and sickness and..." Hermione's long list went on.
"Yeah, yeah! Wait! Did you say sickness? As in, sick-of-your-boyfriend-and- want-a-new-one?" The cake looked at them hopefully.
"No I didn't..." Hermione began but Aeris cut her off.
"That's exactly what kind of sickness we meant!"
"Whoa! I'm there baby YEAH!" The cake squealed.
And so the cake, the group and the other group (who they eventually found) began to head back to Hagrid's shack.
o0o
When they got back they presented the cake to Harry.
"And now make that potion to stop sickness!" The cake smiled.
Harry took one look at the cake and scoffed it. Everyone gasped.
"YOU ATE THE SACRED SLICE!"
"Wos 'ungry." Harry shrugged. "What? Gotta eat sumtimes yer know. That wos the 'ole point of sending yer off into the forest. Can't just pop down to Sainsbury's these days!" Harry grunted. "The only spell yer need is to make me turn back too the famous 'arry Potter!"
"You... made... us... go... into... AAARRGHH!" Vincent fumed, "So... bright... need... black... room... now...!!!"
"Strange." Harry shrugged and turned to Hermione "How about one of our love sessions in the janitor's closet, baby?"
"UGH! I say! Stupid lummox! You wouldn't even fit in there on your own, let alone you and me! If you were back in Harry Potter's body then I would definitely reconsider..." Hermione replied, disgusted.
"Boo hoo. I've lost everything... my body... my fame... my girlfr..."
"I AM NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Hermione yelled, nearly blasting Harry back into the Dark Forest. "I am Harry's girlfriend!"
"But I am Harry!" Harry cried. "Sheesh, I'm so gonna dump her when I get back in my real body... as a famous person I'll have loads of girls swooning all over me..."
"Awww." Cloud sighed "I thought she was pretty hot." Cloud covered his mouth with his hand after getting a evil glare from Tifa. "But nobody's as hot as you, baby!" Cloud remarked. Tifa tossed her hair and smiled smugly at him.
"Oh, Cloudy..." Tifa swooned and Cloud cringed.
"Per-lease! Enough with the love already!" Ron mimed being sick. "Let's just get on with it, I think Professor Snake might have dressed up as Voldeport to fool us. I have a bad feeling about that Snake.
"Really, we better search for him then." Tifa said. Hermione leant over to her, whispering in her ear.
"Never trust him, he's always wrong!" But the party were already walking away. "Looks like they've decided to follow Ron... oh god..." Hermione sighed and her and Tifa ran as fast as they could to catch up.
o0o
sugary-flames: Wow, that sure was one long chapter. Probably my longest one yet! Anyway, I say this nearly every chapter. PLEASE R&R!!!