sugary-flames: Okay, back to the story. That last chapter was just a sort
of... thing. You know, one of those random things you dream up when you're
bored.
Well anyway, carrying on with the search for the snake...
o0o
The party had been back to the Hogwarts main building before setting off on their search, as they needed to get a few 'supplies'.
Hermione sulked as she kicked the back of Ron's shoes. "Stupid Ron... stupid ideas... humph! Okay Ron, if you're so good then tell us where to search first." Ron, armed with a net, a stick, a video camera and a sieve on his head, scratched his arse.
"If I were a Snake, where would I go?"
"Oh, brother!" Hermione muttered. Suddenly, Ron jumped up as if he'd found something.
"Professor Snake! Sssshhh!" They could see the tip of a snake's tail in poking out of a bush. Ron awkwardly flung his net at the Snake, yelling when it got caught around his legs. The sieve flew off his head and hit the snake. It yelped.
"So that's how you do it!" Red said. Hermione yanked the snake up by it's tail.
"That's all you needed to do!" She exclaimed.
The snake hissed. "Shit! Not you lot again! What do you think you're doing!"
"More like what do you think you're doing, Professor Snake! Spying on us all the time!" Aeris replied, hands on hips.
"But I'm not Snake, I'm Snack- the brother of Professor Snake!" The Snake replied. "I was the one you tossed a mile over the hills! F!!!!!! Put me down!"
"I think he's right, he doesn't have the same pointy face that Snake has." Sephiroth agreed.
"Honestly, I told him that teaching in a bloody boarding school was a crap job! So why did he go on and do it! He never listens to me..." The Snake hissed angrily. "Kill him for me, will ya?"
"Consider it done!" Ron grinned, gripping his stick. Hermione lunged forwards and snatched it away.
"Please boys! Violence is very wrong. We need to search for Professor Snake, you can help us too Snack." Hermione stood bossing everyone around, with her hands on her hips.
"I'll come with you." Snack hissed.
"Really?" Hermione sounded surprised, it was the first time someone had actually agreed with her.
"Yeah...on the 9th of never!" Snack replied, spitting as he talked.
"Well like it or not, you are coming! Okay me and the plait-girl will go together...
The ninja frowned. "The name's Yuffie!"
"So-rry! I'll go with Muffie, Ron..."
"It's YUFFIE!"
"OKAY! I'll go with Buffy, Har..."
"IT'S YUFFIE!"
"BE QUIET KUFFIE I DO KNOW YOUR NAME!"
"NO- YUFFIE!!!"
"Suffie!"
"No!"
"Juffie!"
"NO!"
"Luffie!"
"HELLO, THE NAME'S YUFFIE!"
"Nuffie!"
"NO!"
"Y... y..."
"Yes... yes..."
"Yaffie!"
"AAARRRRGGGHHH!"
"EVERYONE SHUT THE F UP!" Cid boomed. "Right. The bossy girl, Y-U-F-F-I- E, Sephiroth, the fat bloke with the beard..."
"HEY!" Harry interrupted.
"AS I WAS SAYING! Me, Barret, Snack and everyone I said before can all go together!"
"Which leaves me, Cloud, Aeris, ginger dumb ass, Vincent, C.S and err..." Tifa hesitated.
"Me me!" Red waved his arms in the air.
"Oh... Red. The stoopid cat that nobody cares about."
"That's me!" Red beamed. "HEY! I'm very intelligent y'know. I know lotsa stuff. Did you know Thomas Edison invented the light bulb?"
"F!!! off ye boring cat!" Barret yelled "I wanna find that snake so I can give it a piece of me... fist."
"I just want to get out of here and crawl back to my coffin." Vincent sighed.
"Okay, let's go now!" Hermione ordered. Everyone stood still and crickets chirped in the silence.
"Go where?" Ron wondered, looking around. "I don't see no snake. I know where he is! Lets fly to the moon and make a snake shrinker so when we find the snake we can shrink him and we could get famous like ye olde Harry Potter and maybe sell a best-seller and..."
"SHUT UP!!!" Everyone chorused, cutting him off. Red chased Ron round and round.
"Mmmnn... I never noticed you!" He said, pouncing on Ron.
"HEY! Gerrof me!" Ron yelled. Red drew back, looking astonished.
"S-sorry, I thought you were a carrot!" He gestured to the bright ginger hair on Ron's head. "Your hair is the exact clone of a carrot and I'm a vegetarian and I just love..."
"OH SHADDAP!" Everyone yelled at the taken-aback cat.
"Lets just give up this whole search and go bird-watching!" Hermione suggested. Everyone gave her an evil look. "On second thoughts..."
Ron suddenly had a flashback, even though he didn't remember much. "Wait a second, weren't we doing a familiar quest last year? You know, going into the forest and finding Voldeport?"
Hermione and Ron hesitated. "Nah!"
"Look! Snake!" Aeris shrieked, pointing at the oh-so-familiar pointy faced Professor, winding his way towards the school. "We have to get to Hogwarts!"
o0o
The gang entered the school through a secret passage so they weren't noticed by the teachers. The passage led to the main entrance and they were left standing there, clueless.
Suddenly, Mrs Doohickey appeared out of nowhere, looking cross. "What do you think you are doing out of class?" She shrieked in an annoying high- pitched voice.
"We were, uh just trying to find the uh... window?" Ron stammered.
"You are talking nonsense! If I find you out of class again it will be a DETENTION! Where are you supposed to be now, boy?"
"Uh... Offence of the Dark Sharks, miss." (As opposed to Defence of the Dark Arts!)
"Well be off with you then!" She swotted her hand at them.
o0o
Hermione knocked quietly on the 'Offence of the Dark Sharks' room door. "This is the first time I've ever been late for lessons." Hermione whispered, meekly.
"Come in." Snake groaned. D'oh! That was where he was off to! To teach the class! The gang slapped their foreheads, they were still suspicious though. Hermione creaked open the door.
"You are late!" Snake hissed.
"You don't say!" Ron replied, cheekily. Hermione nudged him in the ribs.
"Uh, we had to speak to Mrs Doohickey about something." Tifa said.
"Hmmnn. Now get into the shark pool before I expel you all!" The snake snapped.
When everyone had clambered into the groggy shark pool, totally scared, Snake began explaining the rules.
"For the First Years that don't know how to do this, you have to look at the ingredients on the floating tables in front of you and make up the required spell to make the sharks that are currently in this pool disappear one way or another. If you get it wrong they will bite you!" Aeris looked totally freaked.
"Eeek! Sharks!" She hid behind Cloud.
"SHARKS!!!" Ron screamed, jumping into Hermione's arms Scooby-Doo style.
"Right. You will need for this spell, a handful of bogglyknox..." None of the FF7s had a clue what that was so they all did the same thing and threw in a handful of newts eyes. Ron did too. Hermione however, sprinkled a handful of some sort of plant into hers.
"Now you need a pinch of bolluckberry and three strangled-cat hairs." There were lots of different sorts of hairs, and none of them knew which one was cat hair so they picked a sort at random. They did that with bolluckberry, too. "Lastly, a Felix feather." Snake said. The FF7s all rummaged around in a can of Felix cat food for a feather, but there was none in there so they chucked in a square of cat food.
"Now stir your mixture in your cauldron and repeat. 'Disappearus Sharkus Teleportus!'"
They nervously stirred the gloopy mixture in the cauldon. It was a khaki green colour. "Hey, Hermione's mixture is pink!" Ron whispered to Tifa. "We must be wrong!"
"Here goes nothing... Sharkus! Die us!" Ron shouted... wrong spell again!
Suddenly, Ron started floating lifeless along with the rest of the class. They all looked dead. Very dead.
"CURSE YOU RONALD MACDONALD!" The snake hissed, it's tongue crazily waving in all directions. "You said 'die us' so the class have all died!" The snake talked to the dead Ron Weasly, who probably couldn't even hear.
"Reversus Alivus!" The snake hissed, and the class slowly emerged from under the water and shook their heads. "Now get on with the damn spell! Disappearus Sharkus Teleportus!"
"Disappearus, Sharkus, Teleportus!" They all cast the spell at the same time, and the sharks disappeared and the class were teleported out of the water. All except Hermione, who was swimming as fast as she could away from a shark... and then suddenly...
o0o
"Ohh... my leg..." Hermione groaned. She was in hospital, with a huge shark clamped on her leg. She had just gained consciousness, and as soon as she saw the shark...
"Eeeew! GETITOFF! AAAAAAAHHHH!" She screamed girl style. "Oh, hi uh... Harrgrid." The second thing she saw was Harry's double-chinned bearded face staring at her.
"Hi Hermione!" Ron gabbed, jumping on her bed and using it as a trampoline.
"Oww... ouch... ooch... ooh... yowch!" Hermione yelped. "Get... ow... of... MEEE!" She boomed, sending the gang flying out of the door.
"Boy, she sure is in a stress!" C.S peered through the keyhole. "Shall we go back in?"
"No way!" Cid blocked the door. "That girl is a total bitch!"
The gang trudged down the long and winding corridor. "I have a funny feeling that there is danger about." Ron said, sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "Wait, I think I've sensed something!" He got down on all fours and began sniffing the ground, crawling down the corridor as fast as he could.
"Hang on, I've almost got it... just over here...." Ron ran into a wall and he bonked his head hard on the cold stone. He stood up and brushed himself off, his nose was bleeding heavily.
Ron gasped. Maybe he was a real life bloodhound! Right before his very eyes was a message...
the chamber-pot of sauces has been emptied, beware!
It was written in what to Ron looked like blood. "Wow! I didn't know my nose could spell out messages!" Ron said, stupidly- gesturing at his bleeding nose. He let out a gasp when he saw what was hanging from a string from the ceiling as some sort of threat, Mrs Doris the caretakers cat and it looked dead. Crowds of people gathered around the message, muttering and fretting. Teachers told the Prefects to escort the students back to their dormitories and they were led away.
The caretaker pushed past the people and grabbed the cat. "MRS DORIS!" He cried out when he saw the state of the cat. He cut the rope with a penknife he had in his pocket and felt around the cat for a pulse before doing mouth to mouth ventilation.
"Step away from the animal, Rank (I don't know the caretakers name, so he shall be known as Rank)." Dumbledoor waddled forwards, knocking people with his hard wood as he went. "The cat is petrified, it shall take a few days for her to recover."
"Who could have done this to poor Mrs Doris?" The caretaker wept, shooting an evil glare at the gang. "You lot!"
Harry looked shocked. "Don't look at us, we've only just seen it!"
Dumbledoor sounded reassuring. "It couldn't have been them, nobody knows about the chamber-pot of sauces apart from the teachers."
"Chamber-pot of sauces, eh?" Red scratched his head. He bound up to the wall and licked it. Just as he thought... ketchup! "I knew it was a sauce!" The cat said, very intelligent- not!
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Harry heard a strange, hissing voice...
let me kill you... kill kiiiill!
For a minute he thought it was Mrs Doris come to life, as she always hissed whenever Harry walked past (and purred when anyone else walked past), but then he realised it was a snake... and it wanted to kill. Kill him!
o0o
sugary-flames: Du du duuuurr! Boy I love happy endings (chapter endings, that is). R&R!!!
Well anyway, carrying on with the search for the snake...
o0o
The party had been back to the Hogwarts main building before setting off on their search, as they needed to get a few 'supplies'.
Hermione sulked as she kicked the back of Ron's shoes. "Stupid Ron... stupid ideas... humph! Okay Ron, if you're so good then tell us where to search first." Ron, armed with a net, a stick, a video camera and a sieve on his head, scratched his arse.
"If I were a Snake, where would I go?"
"Oh, brother!" Hermione muttered. Suddenly, Ron jumped up as if he'd found something.
"Professor Snake! Sssshhh!" They could see the tip of a snake's tail in poking out of a bush. Ron awkwardly flung his net at the Snake, yelling when it got caught around his legs. The sieve flew off his head and hit the snake. It yelped.
"So that's how you do it!" Red said. Hermione yanked the snake up by it's tail.
"That's all you needed to do!" She exclaimed.
The snake hissed. "Shit! Not you lot again! What do you think you're doing!"
"More like what do you think you're doing, Professor Snake! Spying on us all the time!" Aeris replied, hands on hips.
"But I'm not Snake, I'm Snack- the brother of Professor Snake!" The Snake replied. "I was the one you tossed a mile over the hills! F!!!!!! Put me down!"
"I think he's right, he doesn't have the same pointy face that Snake has." Sephiroth agreed.
"Honestly, I told him that teaching in a bloody boarding school was a crap job! So why did he go on and do it! He never listens to me..." The Snake hissed angrily. "Kill him for me, will ya?"
"Consider it done!" Ron grinned, gripping his stick. Hermione lunged forwards and snatched it away.
"Please boys! Violence is very wrong. We need to search for Professor Snake, you can help us too Snack." Hermione stood bossing everyone around, with her hands on her hips.
"I'll come with you." Snack hissed.
"Really?" Hermione sounded surprised, it was the first time someone had actually agreed with her.
"Yeah...on the 9th of never!" Snack replied, spitting as he talked.
"Well like it or not, you are coming! Okay me and the plait-girl will go together...
The ninja frowned. "The name's Yuffie!"
"So-rry! I'll go with Muffie, Ron..."
"It's YUFFIE!"
"OKAY! I'll go with Buffy, Har..."
"IT'S YUFFIE!"
"BE QUIET KUFFIE I DO KNOW YOUR NAME!"
"NO- YUFFIE!!!"
"Suffie!"
"No!"
"Juffie!"
"NO!"
"Luffie!"
"HELLO, THE NAME'S YUFFIE!"
"Nuffie!"
"NO!"
"Y... y..."
"Yes... yes..."
"Yaffie!"
"AAARRRRGGGHHH!"
"EVERYONE SHUT THE F UP!" Cid boomed. "Right. The bossy girl, Y-U-F-F-I- E, Sephiroth, the fat bloke with the beard..."
"HEY!" Harry interrupted.
"AS I WAS SAYING! Me, Barret, Snack and everyone I said before can all go together!"
"Which leaves me, Cloud, Aeris, ginger dumb ass, Vincent, C.S and err..." Tifa hesitated.
"Me me!" Red waved his arms in the air.
"Oh... Red. The stoopid cat that nobody cares about."
"That's me!" Red beamed. "HEY! I'm very intelligent y'know. I know lotsa stuff. Did you know Thomas Edison invented the light bulb?"
"F!!! off ye boring cat!" Barret yelled "I wanna find that snake so I can give it a piece of me... fist."
"I just want to get out of here and crawl back to my coffin." Vincent sighed.
"Okay, let's go now!" Hermione ordered. Everyone stood still and crickets chirped in the silence.
"Go where?" Ron wondered, looking around. "I don't see no snake. I know where he is! Lets fly to the moon and make a snake shrinker so when we find the snake we can shrink him and we could get famous like ye olde Harry Potter and maybe sell a best-seller and..."
"SHUT UP!!!" Everyone chorused, cutting him off. Red chased Ron round and round.
"Mmmnn... I never noticed you!" He said, pouncing on Ron.
"HEY! Gerrof me!" Ron yelled. Red drew back, looking astonished.
"S-sorry, I thought you were a carrot!" He gestured to the bright ginger hair on Ron's head. "Your hair is the exact clone of a carrot and I'm a vegetarian and I just love..."
"OH SHADDAP!" Everyone yelled at the taken-aback cat.
"Lets just give up this whole search and go bird-watching!" Hermione suggested. Everyone gave her an evil look. "On second thoughts..."
Ron suddenly had a flashback, even though he didn't remember much. "Wait a second, weren't we doing a familiar quest last year? You know, going into the forest and finding Voldeport?"
Hermione and Ron hesitated. "Nah!"
"Look! Snake!" Aeris shrieked, pointing at the oh-so-familiar pointy faced Professor, winding his way towards the school. "We have to get to Hogwarts!"
o0o
The gang entered the school through a secret passage so they weren't noticed by the teachers. The passage led to the main entrance and they were left standing there, clueless.
Suddenly, Mrs Doohickey appeared out of nowhere, looking cross. "What do you think you are doing out of class?" She shrieked in an annoying high- pitched voice.
"We were, uh just trying to find the uh... window?" Ron stammered.
"You are talking nonsense! If I find you out of class again it will be a DETENTION! Where are you supposed to be now, boy?"
"Uh... Offence of the Dark Sharks, miss." (As opposed to Defence of the Dark Arts!)
"Well be off with you then!" She swotted her hand at them.
o0o
Hermione knocked quietly on the 'Offence of the Dark Sharks' room door. "This is the first time I've ever been late for lessons." Hermione whispered, meekly.
"Come in." Snake groaned. D'oh! That was where he was off to! To teach the class! The gang slapped their foreheads, they were still suspicious though. Hermione creaked open the door.
"You are late!" Snake hissed.
"You don't say!" Ron replied, cheekily. Hermione nudged him in the ribs.
"Uh, we had to speak to Mrs Doohickey about something." Tifa said.
"Hmmnn. Now get into the shark pool before I expel you all!" The snake snapped.
When everyone had clambered into the groggy shark pool, totally scared, Snake began explaining the rules.
"For the First Years that don't know how to do this, you have to look at the ingredients on the floating tables in front of you and make up the required spell to make the sharks that are currently in this pool disappear one way or another. If you get it wrong they will bite you!" Aeris looked totally freaked.
"Eeek! Sharks!" She hid behind Cloud.
"SHARKS!!!" Ron screamed, jumping into Hermione's arms Scooby-Doo style.
"Right. You will need for this spell, a handful of bogglyknox..." None of the FF7s had a clue what that was so they all did the same thing and threw in a handful of newts eyes. Ron did too. Hermione however, sprinkled a handful of some sort of plant into hers.
"Now you need a pinch of bolluckberry and three strangled-cat hairs." There were lots of different sorts of hairs, and none of them knew which one was cat hair so they picked a sort at random. They did that with bolluckberry, too. "Lastly, a Felix feather." Snake said. The FF7s all rummaged around in a can of Felix cat food for a feather, but there was none in there so they chucked in a square of cat food.
"Now stir your mixture in your cauldron and repeat. 'Disappearus Sharkus Teleportus!'"
They nervously stirred the gloopy mixture in the cauldon. It was a khaki green colour. "Hey, Hermione's mixture is pink!" Ron whispered to Tifa. "We must be wrong!"
"Here goes nothing... Sharkus! Die us!" Ron shouted... wrong spell again!
Suddenly, Ron started floating lifeless along with the rest of the class. They all looked dead. Very dead.
"CURSE YOU RONALD MACDONALD!" The snake hissed, it's tongue crazily waving in all directions. "You said 'die us' so the class have all died!" The snake talked to the dead Ron Weasly, who probably couldn't even hear.
"Reversus Alivus!" The snake hissed, and the class slowly emerged from under the water and shook their heads. "Now get on with the damn spell! Disappearus Sharkus Teleportus!"
"Disappearus, Sharkus, Teleportus!" They all cast the spell at the same time, and the sharks disappeared and the class were teleported out of the water. All except Hermione, who was swimming as fast as she could away from a shark... and then suddenly...
o0o
"Ohh... my leg..." Hermione groaned. She was in hospital, with a huge shark clamped on her leg. She had just gained consciousness, and as soon as she saw the shark...
"Eeeew! GETITOFF! AAAAAAAHHHH!" She screamed girl style. "Oh, hi uh... Harrgrid." The second thing she saw was Harry's double-chinned bearded face staring at her.
"Hi Hermione!" Ron gabbed, jumping on her bed and using it as a trampoline.
"Oww... ouch... ooch... ooh... yowch!" Hermione yelped. "Get... ow... of... MEEE!" She boomed, sending the gang flying out of the door.
"Boy, she sure is in a stress!" C.S peered through the keyhole. "Shall we go back in?"
"No way!" Cid blocked the door. "That girl is a total bitch!"
The gang trudged down the long and winding corridor. "I have a funny feeling that there is danger about." Ron said, sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "Wait, I think I've sensed something!" He got down on all fours and began sniffing the ground, crawling down the corridor as fast as he could.
"Hang on, I've almost got it... just over here...." Ron ran into a wall and he bonked his head hard on the cold stone. He stood up and brushed himself off, his nose was bleeding heavily.
Ron gasped. Maybe he was a real life bloodhound! Right before his very eyes was a message...
the chamber-pot of sauces has been emptied, beware!
It was written in what to Ron looked like blood. "Wow! I didn't know my nose could spell out messages!" Ron said, stupidly- gesturing at his bleeding nose. He let out a gasp when he saw what was hanging from a string from the ceiling as some sort of threat, Mrs Doris the caretakers cat and it looked dead. Crowds of people gathered around the message, muttering and fretting. Teachers told the Prefects to escort the students back to their dormitories and they were led away.
The caretaker pushed past the people and grabbed the cat. "MRS DORIS!" He cried out when he saw the state of the cat. He cut the rope with a penknife he had in his pocket and felt around the cat for a pulse before doing mouth to mouth ventilation.
"Step away from the animal, Rank (I don't know the caretakers name, so he shall be known as Rank)." Dumbledoor waddled forwards, knocking people with his hard wood as he went. "The cat is petrified, it shall take a few days for her to recover."
"Who could have done this to poor Mrs Doris?" The caretaker wept, shooting an evil glare at the gang. "You lot!"
Harry looked shocked. "Don't look at us, we've only just seen it!"
Dumbledoor sounded reassuring. "It couldn't have been them, nobody knows about the chamber-pot of sauces apart from the teachers."
"Chamber-pot of sauces, eh?" Red scratched his head. He bound up to the wall and licked it. Just as he thought... ketchup! "I knew it was a sauce!" The cat said, very intelligent- not!
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Harry heard a strange, hissing voice...
let me kill you... kill kiiiill!
For a minute he thought it was Mrs Doris come to life, as she always hissed whenever Harry walked past (and purred when anyone else walked past), but then he realised it was a snake... and it wanted to kill. Kill him!
o0o
sugary-flames: Du du duuuurr! Boy I love happy endings (chapter endings, that is). R&R!!!