Author's Notes: This is the REVISED VERSION. It was sort of a parody before and now it's a true parody.
Chapter One: Abby, Steve and Hobbiton...?
Sycamore Court, a boring mac-mansion suburbia community, out in the middle of once-farm-lands in Camden County, New Jersey, was the last place a person would look to find an interesting story.
Like the houses, colored various shades of tans and creams, with all white interiors and large empty rooms, the people of the suburb were as boring as boring could possibly be conceived. The men were the heads of the households, all in their middle ages, anywhere from forty through sixty-five. They were lawyers or doctors of some sort bringing in around eighty-five thousand to one-hundred thousand a year. The woman could take one or two roles. Either the role of the domestic house-wife in full out nineteen fifty sitcom style, or a successful career woman, being an example to woman around the globe, or at least in their small community.
The children, perfect examples of their parents, were just as snobby, if not more snobby as the people who gave them life. The girls liked to pretend they were rich by getting all the toys they wanted whenever Toys-R-US had a sale, or when they were older having a sweet-sixteen birthday party at the community pool, with their Aunts and Uncles dressed up as waiters, serving Triskets with cream cheese plopped on top. The boys on the other hand, were joined up in any sport imaginable, and their mothers and fathers would go to every single one of the games screaming at the top of their lungs, ready to knock the lights out of anyone that didn't think their son was the next Wayne Greitsky(sp?), David Beckham, Michael Jordan, or Donovan McNabb respectively.
So in such a boring, upper-middle class, all-white community, one could wonder how one could find a good hero and heroine for the adventure of a life time into another world. The truth is, the one couldn't find a good hero or heroine for the adventure of a life time into another world, but one could find an excellent hero and heroin for the parody of the adventure of a life time into another world.
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Welcome to Number 501 Grand Fox Lane, Sycamore Court, Camden County, New Jersey, 08021. Home of Jonathan Gladingshide, forty-eight, his wife, Barbara Bennot Gladingshide, forty-four (although she would never admit that in polite company!) and their two children, Abigail Grace Gladingshide, sixteen, and Jonathan Daniel Gladingshide II, (heaven forbid he be a junior!) eleven.
You are now located in the family-room of the Gladingshide home (because of course the living-room was only met for polite company!) were we can see Abigail Grace (more informally referred to as Abby) and her best friend a Mr. Steven Lockwood of 209 Oak Rd. age seventeen and three quarters.
They were sitting in front of Abby's not-exactly-big-screen-but-big-enough-to-impress-the-less-well-off-next-door-neighbors-TV. Eating popcorn (no butter or salt, we don't want any grease stains on the white carpet do we?) and watching what appeared to be a gory, rated-R action movie, called Lord of The Rings-The Fellowship of the Ring! (heaven forbid...what would the neighbors say...a teenage boy, and a teenage girl, watching a Rated R movie together...unsupervised!)
"Take it like a man Boromir!" Abby said throwing a piece of popcorn at the television screen a few feet in front of her. Her best friend Steve put a hand on her shoulder.
"Abby, take it easy," he said laughing, "Boromir is a fictional character. FIC-TION-A-L. He isn't really obsessed with the one ring, and for God's sake he is taking it like a man."
"That dude annoys me," She replied shrugging.
"Abby, maybe you should talk to you dad about this," he said with a shrug eyes never leaving as Aragorn chopped off the head of the big orc that killed Boromir...well at this point almost killed.
Abby rolled her eyes, "He'd probably somehow find a way to sue some one for millions of dollars about it or something. I mean for chrissake he practically, breathes, eats and sleeps with a book of legal regulations sitting next to him."
Steve began to crack up, "Is that classic or what?'
Abby stared at him a moment before turning back to the movie. She had known him too long to ask questions it was a rather fruitless cause.
Boromir's face paled significantly as he told Aragorn that, "They have taken the little ones."
Steven only began to laugh harder, as Abby swooned, "I wish I had a man that would decapitate orcs to save my ass."
Steve grinned, "What are you jealous of? Aragorn and Boromir aren't together, like that."
Abby blushed but manage to say, "I know several fan-fickers who would disagree."
Steve looked over at her as Aragorn said, "Let's hunt some orc!"
"Please don't tell me you still read that trash Abby." He groaned.
"It's not trash!" she protested throwing a handful of popcorn at his face, "Lot's of the people who write are extremely talented!"
"Then why don't they use their talents to create their own characters, plot, and so on so they can make money?" He said sighing.
"Because-Because," She sputtered, "Oh I don't know! They don't feel like it!"
"Exactly," he smirked putting a piece of blond hair behind his ear,
"I'm glad you're with me Sam." Frodo was saying.
"You don't think it's so bad when you've got some Eowyn/Arwen action, do you?" Abby protested.
Now Steven was blushing, "Well uh...the thing is..." He began but her smirk made him shut his mouth.
"At least with Boromir Aragorn slash there is a slight chance of it happening, I mean they spend several months with each other, constantly. Without any female company too! And they must have known each other before that." She lectured.
"There is no chance for Aragorn/Boromir Abby. I mean they have some pretty good make out scenes with Arwen and Aragorn in The Fellowship of the Ring alone. Then there's the Two Towers and that scene where Arwen's in that sheer dress thing." He closed his eyes in blissful remembrance as the credits came on and Enya began to play.
Abby slapped him. "Do not, ever fanaticize about Liv Tyler in front of me Steve." She scooted away, "Oh the pictures!" she added dramatically.
Blue eyes wide, he silently cursed her while gently rubbing his face. "Or what Abby? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
She grinned, flashing white, if slightly crooked teeth, "Or I'll spend the next hour and a half ranting about all the reasons why Gimili/Legolas slash has to be true!"
"There's no way!" He replied, horrified, "Gimili spends most of the books ranting about Lady Galadriel's beauty, there's no way elf-boy and he are getting frisky when the cameras ain't looking!"
"A girl can dream can't she?" Abby drawled, making Steve shudder.
"Why would anyone want to dream about Gimili in bed?" He asked slightly afraid of the what the answer would be.
"A man with a beard and a craving for ripe meat off the bone can get some of us very turned on." She replied lazily.
"Please Abby! The pictures! At least Liv Tyler is hot!"
She grinned impishly, "Sorry Stevie, With how gay you can act I forgot that man on man isn't what you're into."
"God the very idea! That's so disgusting!" he exclaimed.
"Get over yourself you homophobic blonde. What are you going to do go cry to your mommy about it?" Abby giggled.
"This is definitely one thing that I'd never speak with my mother about. Honestly! Guy on guy!" He shuddered again.
The tape was rewinding, and as it neared the beginning the television began to glow a pale blue, but neither boy nor girl had yet to notice this. (Being raised in New Jersey makes some people awfully observant, don't it?)
"I bet you wouldn't mind a little girl on girl, however?" She asked quirking an eyebrow at him.
"Wouldn't mind girl on girl? Hell I'd pay to see a little girl on girl!" he exclaimed, putting on his headphones.
"Argh! Steve! Even if I've known you since kindergarten that is not the kind of thing I need to hear! That's almost as bad as the time you picked your nose ate your crusty snot in first grade!"
(Awfully eloquent as well you can see.)
He rolled his eyes, "Aw come on Abby, a little gold digging never hurt any one!"
She shuddered. "Be glad I didn't tell the whole school about that."
"You love me too much Abby, you love me too much." He replied smacking his lips together.
She gave an unladylike snort, "Me, loving you? Come on Steve you might have every cheer leader in the school getting hot between the legs for you, but I would never sink that low."
"I'm not that bad!" Steve protested.
"Steve, Steve, when will you understand that being the star quarter back does not mean that every girl will like you? It means every girl besides me will like you!" she grined flicking popcorn cornels at his face.
"Well so sorry if it's hard for me to remember these things!" he cried tossing some leftover popcorn back at her.
The television was glowing an even brighter blue.
(Seriously...is there something in the air there or something? These are two of the stupidest kids I've ever seen. And why aren't they watching it on DVD....what 'rich' person uses VHS for chrissake!)
He pushed play on his MP3 player, (Atta boy Steve!) and Abby's senseless chattering was tuned out by Ja Rule and various other rappers whose names were even more poorly spelled and harder for adults to pronounce. He closed his eyes and waited for Abby to switch the tapes and poke him or something to make him realize the second movie was on.
He waited, and waited and waited. Nearly fifteen minutes passed and Steven cracked his eyes open. Abby's nice white living room was completely empty, besides himself and the furniture. Everything also seemed to be tinted a pale blue. He turned towards the television and saw it glaring a shocking blue.
(He actually noticed!!!)
"Abby?" he whispered to the air.
(Yes that's because we all give water molecules nicknames don't we? Excuse me while I skip off to play with Fred, Gertrude and Simon.)
And then it seemed out of the television he heard Abby's voice. It sounded muffled and far away but it was Abby's all the same. "What the fuck?" She was said."Abby?" he asked approaching the television.
"Where am I?" She asked.
"Abby?" he said again, and he touched the screen. His fingers went into it, like it was water.
"What the hell?" He asked pulling away. But the watery television goo stuck to his fingers. It became tighter and tighter as he tried to pull farther away until suddenly as if it was a stretched out rubber band, it propelled itself towards the television, still holding Steven onto the end, and threw him inside.
(Science fiction at it's lowest. Good thing this is a parody or I'd be seriously getting flamed right about now....However, you never know, maybe I'll still get flamed any way!)
Abby had landed on a patch of mossy ground with a slight "oof."
"What the fuck?" she had asked herself surveying the area around her. Long rolling grassy hills, lot's of trees, bushes and flowers, and doors, in doorways, (groundbreaking scientific discovery there! Doors in doorways! Who would have guessed?) in the ground?
"It looks like I'm in Hobbiton." She thought with a grin.
Then she heard a decent faint, muffled, "Abby?" coming from the sunny sky overhead.
"Where am I?" she said out loud.
"Abby?" the sky asked again.
(What is it with them and thinking that the air is their friend?)
Before Abby could say anything else, she heard a manly scream and saw Steven falling from the sky. His arms and legs were flailing about at his sides, and he was cursing up a blue streak.Abby would have laughed, had the circumstances been different. (Ah yes laugh at your friend pummeling to his death.)
He landed next to Abby.
"Abby?" he asked rubbing his sore butt, 'Where are we?"
She looked around again. "It appears we are in Hobbiton my good Sir."
He stared at her. "Hobbiton?"
She looked at him and smiled slyly, "Hobbiton."
"Hobbiton!" He cried panicked.
She placed a comforting arm on his shoulder, "Hobbiton." She said trying to give a reassuring smile.
(Hobbiton on sale at grocery stores everywhere! By one get one free!)
He took a deep breath and looked around, trying to calm down. After a few moments he turned towards he smiling, "Hobbiton." He said.
Author's Notes: Okay my people, this is the revised version of My Kind of Luck (why I named it that I haven't the faintest idea!) I hope you all enjoyed how I made this into more of a parody this go round! Wow I'm perky.