Author's Notes: Those who reviewed, you're cool...those who didn't...well...die. If you're from New Jersey and believe that I am Jersey bashing....well, guess what....I am. But I'm justified, I've lived here my whole friggin life.

Chapter Two: Wizards, a useless lot really

Steve looked at Abby, Abby looked at Steve.

(Explosive way to start off a new chapter, eh?)

'Well." Steve said, "Now that we've established the fact that we are in Hobbiton. How did we get here?"

Abby shrugged, "I might have a 174 IQ but even my genius can't figure this one out Steve."

"174 my ass!" he exclaimed.

"That's not the point Mr. Quarterback!" she yelled kicking a pebble nearby.

"Ow." Thought the pebble.

(Kudos to the brilliant cameo by a small stone who said Ow, even though rocks have no thoughts or feelings.)

There was silence.

"What's the point then?" he asked.

"Steve!" she exclaimed, 'How thick are you?"

"Not that thick, I can string sentences together with proper subject verb agreement."

(Oh, good job! My three year old cousin can say 'I want my toy.' Too!)

"Ergh!" Abby exclaimed, frustrated. "Look Abby I'm sorry, I'll stay quiet so you can think for a few minutes."

"Good Lord boy thank you!" she spat and threw herself onto the ground.

Steve stood silent for several minutes before turning his music on. "God damn smart chicks." He was mumbling.

Several minutes passed like this. Birds chirped. The wind blew. The sun shined. The farmers farmed, and nobody paid the two teenagers from the twenty first centaury the slightest attention. Steve, whom was not known for his patience or intelligence, soon lost what little patience he possessed.

"Are you done thinking yet?" he grumbled.

"No." Abby snapped irritably.

"How about now?" he asked.

(I'm begging you now...not one of those. Now? No. Now? No. Now? No. things!)

"Why can't you just go in a corner and fanaticize about Liv Tyler or something?" she snarled.

(THANK GOD!)

Steve grinned, "Why didn't I think of that sooner?" He sat down next to her on the grass and closed his eyes.

Soon however he was bored. He had only seen her in three movies (The Lord of The Rings trilogy, so he had little to work with.) So he poked her. Not the brightest thing to do in this situation. His hand was instantly caught, and an elbow very shortly after found his stomach. Impact was made. Steven was not exactly happy with these transactions.

"My god it's somebody's time of the month." He muttered darkly.

"I won't even dignify that with an answer." She huffed.

(Being a girl, I thought I'd let you know that means...yes, yes it is. Poor girl stuck in a fictional Midevil-esq place without her maxi-pads!)

The sun continued to shine. Some where in the distance a dog barked. Children's laughter slowly echoed its way over to them. The wind blew. The Birds chirped, and all was right in the world except the situation of our hero and heroine.

('Cough')

A few minutes slowly passed into a few hours. It had been nearly two when Abby rose from her perch smiling.

Steve jumped up, "I take it you have a plan then Abby?"

"Yes and no." she replied.

"Okay.." He sighed, 'Well tell me what you have!"

"Fine!" she snapped, "I'm Abby, your Steven."

(Just in case the ever so loyal fan base needed someone to reiterate this fact for them.)

"I know that, I'm not that thick." He snorted.

(Really? Are you sure Stevie?)

"I've known you since kindergarten lover boy, for God's sake I hope you aren't that thick."

"I'm not!" he exclaimed.

"That's not that point!" Abby cried quickly becoming frustrated.

(Then why talk about it?)

"What were we talking about again?" he asked.

Abby got down on her knees, folded her hands, closed her eyes and began to pray, "Dear God, why do you mock me? If you are truly up there you will relieve me of this burden beast whom I will have to carry with me through me travels."

('Chokes' that was so stuoid that I can't dignify that with a sarcastic comment.)

"I am perfectly capable of walking by myself Abby! And I highly doubt you could carry me! I'm nearly three times your weight!"

(Congratulations! Want a cookie?)

"Will you shut up?" She snarled dangerously.

"Okay! Okay! As long as you don't start acting like She-who-must-be-obeyed!"

"Fine, okay this is the plan. You are Abby."

(...I can actually hear the crickets chirping...)

"But you're Abby." He interrupted.

(At least one of them can remember whose who.)

"Sorry!" she exclaimed, "Anyways, I'm Abby and you're Steven. We're cousins."

"But we aren't cousins." He was starring at Abby. "You didn't land on your head did you?"

(I'm leaning towards Stevie's side of the argument. How bout you folks? This is making little to no sense at all.)

"You moron!" she cried giving him a small slap, "We have to say we are cousins, because back then single women couldn't just gallivant around without their husbands of fathers. There was no such thing as being "just friends" with a man you idiot!"

(Arwen, Eowyn, and Galadriel are awful big sluts then.)

"Oh, umm sorry."

"It's okay Steve, I'm just stressed is all. It's not everyday that your television set sucks you into a fictional world."

(Hardy-har-har....that was one of the worst attempts at humor this story has yet to offer.)

"Of course it's not every day!" he laughed, "Only on alternate Tuesdays!"

('Chokes and Dies' When you get in a hole stop digging people!)

"Shut up.' She muttered blushing.

(With her dad being a lawyer, you'd think the girl would be a touch brighter and better at the whole comeback thing.)

"Okay Abs what's the rest of this plan?"

"We're cousins, and we are friends Of Gandalf The Grey's. We are looking for him. We heard word that he'd be in the shire, with some people called Baggins. So we are looking for Frodo or Bilbo Baggins."

'That's simple enough." He replied, "But what do we tell Gandalf once we meet him?"

"The truth." She sighed.

"Are you crazy Abby? He'd never believe this. I mean our story sounds like bull shit to me and I know it happened! He'd throw us in Middle Earth's loony-bin!"

(Don't you mean insane asylum? Who the hell says loony-bin?)

"He's a wizard! He might be able to get us home!"

"Bilbo might be in Rivendell right now, dying! We don't even know what time we are in. it could be years before Bilbo is even born! Or it could years after Frodo and Bilbo leave for the sea!"

"What are you getting at?"

(Just in case the slower people couldn't pick it up from blondie's frantic speech thingie.)

"That you can't just go asking for Gandalf! He might have left years ago! And then what will we do? We'd be royally screwed!"

(As opposed to when the peasant screw you.)

'Steve calm down. I think that we are in the Shire, a few months before Bilbo's 111th birthday party. I just feel it."

"The long expected party Abby?"

"Exactly!" she exclaimed.

"Bullshit." He snorted.

"We have to at least try Steve!"

"Fine alright Abby."

(Good job Steven, I love how resolute and firm in your beliefs you are!)

It turns out that Abby was right. It was a few months before Bilbo's 111th birthday and Frodo's 33. It was May the 14th to be exact when the two had made their unexpected arrival to Middle Earth. Let's fast-forward in time to August the 22 just because the authoress is a touch too lazy to write out each and every single day. Bilbo open hearings that these queer folk were friends of Gandalf, and had no where to stay immediately invited them to stay with him at Bag End.

They were an odd pair Lady Abby and Lord Steven, but they were well liked with the shire folk. They had open and friendly heirs around them, and their queer words and accents drew the young curious lot to them immediately. But let us not dwell on the time between the arrival and now, but this very night August the twenty second.

It was on this night that the groups of young people were gathered in the inn closest to Bag End, drinking their ale and having a few laughs that Pippin, who had a bit more ale than what can be good for him asked Abby.

"Abby! Abby, you both have been in the shire a long time, and you say you are cousins, but wouldn't your relations miss you? It seems all rather queer to me."

(Thank you some one for thinking that people in strange clothes that can't even speak their common tongue which is WESTRONEESE not ENGLISH people! [Stupid fan fiction writers get nothing right!] And no nothing about how to act and stuff might be missed back home.)

Abby gulped, and looked at Steve. He looked equally as dumbstruck. Suddenly Abby thought of home. The white walls, and plush furniture. Her father's laugh, her mother's cooking. Tears welled up in her eyes.

(Right. Okay. Did the author not describe Abby's home in chapter one? What happened to the witty prose?)

"I...umm....the thing is." She choked out.

The other Hobbits were leaning forward eager to hear the story.

(Those poor people. If this was the best gossip they could get, well then....)

"I err." Her eyesight was becoming teary.

(Didn't the authoress...A.K.A. Michaela90 already say that her eyes were full of tears, therefore making that entire sentence completely irrelevant to the story?)

Steve tried to speak for her, "Well most of our relations are umm." He couldn't think of anything to say.

(Not surprised there....nope, not at all.)

"Well, what about them?" Merry asked.

"Yes please tell us." Added Frodo.

"What did your father do for a living? Do you have any family heirlooms? Tell us a story about your childhood." Sam exclaimed.

(Notice he only enquires after the men of the family...'cough')

"My father umm.." Like hell she as going to tell them her father was a lawyer, she was sure they'd understand exactly what she was talking about.

(There we go...there's some witty prose getting thrown in...atta girl!)

"Well?" they asked in unison. 'Well?"

(Annoying little buggers aren't they?)

"I'm umm tired!" Abby exclaimed getting up from the table.

Steven stood up as well. Yea Abs, let's go." He said.

"okay." She took a deep breath and the two walked out of the pub.

(No that doesn't seem suspicious at all.)

They walked in silence until when out of earshot of any passerby Abby exclaimed in half heartened anger, "Where the fuck is Gandalf?"

"He's a wizard." Replied Steven trying to comfort her, "Very unpredictable and unreliable the lot of them. I mean look at Saruman, completely useless these wizard types."

(God, one corrupted sonvoabitch ruins it for the rest of us!)

A deep, rich masculine voice that seemed to be suppressing laughter called to them from behind, 'Oh are we now?" it asked.

The pair stopped, "Oh fuck." Abby moaned.

"Oh fuck is right." Her friend replied as the slowly turned around.

(Teehehe.....kids these days...excuse me, kids from Jersey...not that bright.)

Author's Notes: Well, thanks for reading kids...please review.