After the success of 'The Secret Diary of the One Ring', I decided to write
a diary of another baddie in a film that I loved. If this one goes well,
then I'll probably write a whole series for each character of the Matrix.
What do you guys think? Enjoy!
*****
THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH
ENTRY 1
Was written today. My job is killing people who rebel. Goodie goodie goodie! I get to be evil!
ENTRY 2
Scratch that. I hate my life. It stinks. Literally.
The Matrix. Ick. Smelly.
ENTRY 3
Why do humans continue to rebel? It's getting irritating. We all know they only do it because they think they look good in black coats and sunglasses.
Well, we all know there's only ONE person who can pull off the sunglasses look.
ENTRY 4
Had to go sort out some chick in motorcycle leathers. Stupid policeman, saying he was 'just doing his job'. They never learn. How many policemen is it who've made insurance claims after 'some scary girl in black leather hovered in the air and kicked me'? And how many policemen still eagerly snap up the job to go apprehend some 'potentially dangerous terrorist girl'? Stupid humans.
Anyway, by the time I get there, he's already sent policemen up. He makes some crude remark involving jurisdiction and behinds. We went upstairs, and the girl ran away. We really are too obvious, may suggest disguise to the Architect. Something non-threatening... rabbits?
Oh wait. Then we'd fit into Morpheus' 'Alice in Wonderland' metaphor. I'd rather spend the day with that old hag they call the Oracle.
The girl, after jumping through a window (which looked very painful, hahahaha) managed to get to phone box before I could crush it. Need to get a faster truck next time.
Am somewhat contented by the satisfying CRUNCH the phone box made.
ENTRY 5
Name of next target is Neo. Well, that's an original anagram.
I hate anagrams. Therefore I will call him Mr Anderson. That has no anagram I know of. Also, I suspect it bugs him.
ENTRY 6
Mr Anderson is some loser guy in an apartment with no proper lighting. We're supposed to be worried?
ENTRY 7
Mr Anderson apparently has no brain. He would have escaped, had he not dropped his phone onto Agent Brown's head. Idiot humans.
ENTRY 8
Am pretty sure chick in motorcycle leathers saw me getting into the car with Mr Anderson. Great. There goes my street cred.
ENTRY 9
Mr Anderson proved very tetchy, especially when having a bug inserted into his tummy button.
Well, he shouldn't have given me the finger. I'm very sensitive about that sort of thing.
Very moralistic as well. About thirty years ago, he wouldn't have hesitated to betray Morpheus.
Stupid Disney. Fills all these humans with this false idea of right and wrong. The number of times I've complained to the Architect, but does he listen? No, he just says that it makes kids happy.
Huh. He's obviously never seen Bambi.
ENTRY 10
Agent Jones disagrees with me regarding said moving Disney epic about the talking fawn. When I protested, reminding him of the sorrowful death of Bambi's mother, he said "Oh yes, it was very sad when the artist stopped drawing the deer."
Agent Brown congratulated him on his quick wit.
Hmph. Am going to pout now.
ENTRY 11
Informed Agent Brown that Agent Jones' 'quick wit' comes from Friends. From Chandler, no less. Everyone calls Agent Jones 'Chansey' now. Ha ha.
True, I had to spend hours trawling the Internet for said information. But when vengeance tastes this good, who cares?
ENTRY 12
Apparently, while we were debating whether a cartoon doe's death counts as tragic, Mr Anderson was unplugged from the Matrix. No more Christmas bonus. Fab.
Am plotting yet more revenge against Agent Jones.
ENTRY 13
Cracked it. Am leaving a red sock in with all his whites.
ENTRY 14
Haha. Agent Jones had to go everywhere wearing a pink shirt. Even the people we were chasing laughed at him.
People are now calling him 'Chansey' with increased vivacity.
ENTRY 15
Agent 'Chansey' Jones is not happy. Apparently the Merovingian was entertaining his guests with tales of the 'sad agent with the pink shirt' at yesterday's lunch.
Must keep an eye out for an attempt of retribution.
ENTRY 16
Nothing yet.
ENTRY 17
Still nothing.
ENTRY 18
Nada. Zilch.
ENTRY 19
Bastard. He hid all my socks.
Had to borrow some of his pink ones.
I hope he's not attempting to be ironic.
ENTRY 20
Still no return of socks. Was forced to go to dinner with some bald man wearing some of Agent Brown's. Which are good considering they're not pink, but are otherwise slightly itchy.
Anyway, bald man who attempts to compensate not having any hair on his head with an over-the-top moustache, of course orders the biggest steak on the menu. And finishes it. I now owe him twenty bucks.
He wants to betray his crew in exchange for fame. This is a man who has obviously never seen Bambi. Not even Shrek, for crying out loud.
ENTRY 21
As a peace offering, gave Agent Chansey some new socks.
You'd have thought he'd have learnt never to trust me when I smile.
ENTRY 22
Judging by the shriek of pain emitted from Agent Chansey's room in the early hours of this morning, I'm guessing that he's discovered the fire ants in the socks.
I'm so evil I surprise myself sometimes.
ENTRY 23
Today, woke up bright and early (well, not really. Agents don't sleep. So, I turned the power off my Playstation bright and early) to go capture the crew of the Nebooka- I can't even spell it. Why couldn't they have given that ship a more pronounceable name?
Anyway, off after the crew, cut the hardline, shot some weird little guy, blah blah blah blah blah. Then heard that they were on the eighth floor. Off we go after them, Agent Chansey wincing as he trod on the ant bites. Hahaha. Finally decided to morph into Macho Cop Dude.
Don't normally like morphing. Makes me nauseous.
Heard crew was in the wall. Punched through it. I always had a weakness for dramatics. Managed to grab Mr Anderson round the neck. He wasn't too happy, understandably. But he was nothing compared to Morpheus. He jumped through the wall on top of me. Then lots more dramatics, about self-sacrifice and everything. Puh-lease. Call that dramatics? Eastenders could do better.
So anyway, just when my legs are about to go completely numb, I manage to kick off Morpheus, who seems considerably weightier than last time he self- sacrificed himself to save 'The One'. Took more than a little effort.
Managed to beat him in about twenty seconds.
Ought to work out more. I'm getting slow in my old age.
ENTRY 24
Had just escorted Morpheus to a car proudly when Agent Chansey asked me about the rest of the crew.
Damn.
ENTRY 25
Made up a story about it being a 'tactical maneuver'. Agent Chansey bought it, idiot that he is.
ENTRY 26
Questioning Morpheus when Agent Brown comes in and tells us the bald fat man has failed.
There goes my tactical maneuver story.
I'm going to go play 'Crash Bandicoot' for a while and vent my aggression. Turtles don't question your cover-ups.
Or hide your socks.
ENTRY 27
Found socks. Agent Chansey was cutting holes in the end of them and using them to dress pigeons.
Am continuing to request his deletion.
ENTRY 28
Still talking to Morpheus, trying to cut away at his confidence. He seems very touchy about my comparison of Homo Sapiens to a virus.
ENTRY 29
Unsuccessfully attempted to crush Morpheus' head. His skull is THICK.
Took out sodding earpiece for a moment. Agents Brown and Chansey looked shocked. Hope they don't think it's symbolic.
ENTRY 29
Great. Mr Anderson and Biker Chick are blasting up the lobby. We only just had it decorated too.
LATER
And blew up the lift.
LATER
Which inadvertently turned on the sprinklers. Only washed my hair this morning. No consideration.
LATER
Agent Brown went up to deal with Mr Anderson and Biker Chick. Didn't go too well, apparently.
Ah well. Can't affect us that much.
LATER
Blimey, that's a big helicopter.
ENTRY 30
They escaped. Boo.
Ah well, get to have a dramatic subway fight now. Even though I have to morph again. I have time to take an anti-emetic this time though.
ENTRY 31
What is wrong with humans nowadays? Do they think you can just shove someone in front of a train and run away? I don't THINK so.
LATER
Shot Mr Anderson. Haha.
Had to morph into several people to do so though. Am feeling distinctly queasy now.
LATER
Apparently Mr Anderson doesn't like being shot.
But still, did he really have to go all symbolic on me?
And the whole lumps-under-skin thing has been done. Hasn't he ever seen 'The Mummy'?
Bet he hasn't seen Bambi either. Common little oik.
*****
THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH
ENTRY 1
Was written today. My job is killing people who rebel. Goodie goodie goodie! I get to be evil!
ENTRY 2
Scratch that. I hate my life. It stinks. Literally.
The Matrix. Ick. Smelly.
ENTRY 3
Why do humans continue to rebel? It's getting irritating. We all know they only do it because they think they look good in black coats and sunglasses.
Well, we all know there's only ONE person who can pull off the sunglasses look.
ENTRY 4
Had to go sort out some chick in motorcycle leathers. Stupid policeman, saying he was 'just doing his job'. They never learn. How many policemen is it who've made insurance claims after 'some scary girl in black leather hovered in the air and kicked me'? And how many policemen still eagerly snap up the job to go apprehend some 'potentially dangerous terrorist girl'? Stupid humans.
Anyway, by the time I get there, he's already sent policemen up. He makes some crude remark involving jurisdiction and behinds. We went upstairs, and the girl ran away. We really are too obvious, may suggest disguise to the Architect. Something non-threatening... rabbits?
Oh wait. Then we'd fit into Morpheus' 'Alice in Wonderland' metaphor. I'd rather spend the day with that old hag they call the Oracle.
The girl, after jumping through a window (which looked very painful, hahahaha) managed to get to phone box before I could crush it. Need to get a faster truck next time.
Am somewhat contented by the satisfying CRUNCH the phone box made.
ENTRY 5
Name of next target is Neo. Well, that's an original anagram.
I hate anagrams. Therefore I will call him Mr Anderson. That has no anagram I know of. Also, I suspect it bugs him.
ENTRY 6
Mr Anderson is some loser guy in an apartment with no proper lighting. We're supposed to be worried?
ENTRY 7
Mr Anderson apparently has no brain. He would have escaped, had he not dropped his phone onto Agent Brown's head. Idiot humans.
ENTRY 8
Am pretty sure chick in motorcycle leathers saw me getting into the car with Mr Anderson. Great. There goes my street cred.
ENTRY 9
Mr Anderson proved very tetchy, especially when having a bug inserted into his tummy button.
Well, he shouldn't have given me the finger. I'm very sensitive about that sort of thing.
Very moralistic as well. About thirty years ago, he wouldn't have hesitated to betray Morpheus.
Stupid Disney. Fills all these humans with this false idea of right and wrong. The number of times I've complained to the Architect, but does he listen? No, he just says that it makes kids happy.
Huh. He's obviously never seen Bambi.
ENTRY 10
Agent Jones disagrees with me regarding said moving Disney epic about the talking fawn. When I protested, reminding him of the sorrowful death of Bambi's mother, he said "Oh yes, it was very sad when the artist stopped drawing the deer."
Agent Brown congratulated him on his quick wit.
Hmph. Am going to pout now.
ENTRY 11
Informed Agent Brown that Agent Jones' 'quick wit' comes from Friends. From Chandler, no less. Everyone calls Agent Jones 'Chansey' now. Ha ha.
True, I had to spend hours trawling the Internet for said information. But when vengeance tastes this good, who cares?
ENTRY 12
Apparently, while we were debating whether a cartoon doe's death counts as tragic, Mr Anderson was unplugged from the Matrix. No more Christmas bonus. Fab.
Am plotting yet more revenge against Agent Jones.
ENTRY 13
Cracked it. Am leaving a red sock in with all his whites.
ENTRY 14
Haha. Agent Jones had to go everywhere wearing a pink shirt. Even the people we were chasing laughed at him.
People are now calling him 'Chansey' with increased vivacity.
ENTRY 15
Agent 'Chansey' Jones is not happy. Apparently the Merovingian was entertaining his guests with tales of the 'sad agent with the pink shirt' at yesterday's lunch.
Must keep an eye out for an attempt of retribution.
ENTRY 16
Nothing yet.
ENTRY 17
Still nothing.
ENTRY 18
Nada. Zilch.
ENTRY 19
Bastard. He hid all my socks.
Had to borrow some of his pink ones.
I hope he's not attempting to be ironic.
ENTRY 20
Still no return of socks. Was forced to go to dinner with some bald man wearing some of Agent Brown's. Which are good considering they're not pink, but are otherwise slightly itchy.
Anyway, bald man who attempts to compensate not having any hair on his head with an over-the-top moustache, of course orders the biggest steak on the menu. And finishes it. I now owe him twenty bucks.
He wants to betray his crew in exchange for fame. This is a man who has obviously never seen Bambi. Not even Shrek, for crying out loud.
ENTRY 21
As a peace offering, gave Agent Chansey some new socks.
You'd have thought he'd have learnt never to trust me when I smile.
ENTRY 22
Judging by the shriek of pain emitted from Agent Chansey's room in the early hours of this morning, I'm guessing that he's discovered the fire ants in the socks.
I'm so evil I surprise myself sometimes.
ENTRY 23
Today, woke up bright and early (well, not really. Agents don't sleep. So, I turned the power off my Playstation bright and early) to go capture the crew of the Nebooka- I can't even spell it. Why couldn't they have given that ship a more pronounceable name?
Anyway, off after the crew, cut the hardline, shot some weird little guy, blah blah blah blah blah. Then heard that they were on the eighth floor. Off we go after them, Agent Chansey wincing as he trod on the ant bites. Hahaha. Finally decided to morph into Macho Cop Dude.
Don't normally like morphing. Makes me nauseous.
Heard crew was in the wall. Punched through it. I always had a weakness for dramatics. Managed to grab Mr Anderson round the neck. He wasn't too happy, understandably. But he was nothing compared to Morpheus. He jumped through the wall on top of me. Then lots more dramatics, about self-sacrifice and everything. Puh-lease. Call that dramatics? Eastenders could do better.
So anyway, just when my legs are about to go completely numb, I manage to kick off Morpheus, who seems considerably weightier than last time he self- sacrificed himself to save 'The One'. Took more than a little effort.
Managed to beat him in about twenty seconds.
Ought to work out more. I'm getting slow in my old age.
ENTRY 24
Had just escorted Morpheus to a car proudly when Agent Chansey asked me about the rest of the crew.
Damn.
ENTRY 25
Made up a story about it being a 'tactical maneuver'. Agent Chansey bought it, idiot that he is.
ENTRY 26
Questioning Morpheus when Agent Brown comes in and tells us the bald fat man has failed.
There goes my tactical maneuver story.
I'm going to go play 'Crash Bandicoot' for a while and vent my aggression. Turtles don't question your cover-ups.
Or hide your socks.
ENTRY 27
Found socks. Agent Chansey was cutting holes in the end of them and using them to dress pigeons.
Am continuing to request his deletion.
ENTRY 28
Still talking to Morpheus, trying to cut away at his confidence. He seems very touchy about my comparison of Homo Sapiens to a virus.
ENTRY 29
Unsuccessfully attempted to crush Morpheus' head. His skull is THICK.
Took out sodding earpiece for a moment. Agents Brown and Chansey looked shocked. Hope they don't think it's symbolic.
ENTRY 29
Great. Mr Anderson and Biker Chick are blasting up the lobby. We only just had it decorated too.
LATER
And blew up the lift.
LATER
Which inadvertently turned on the sprinklers. Only washed my hair this morning. No consideration.
LATER
Agent Brown went up to deal with Mr Anderson and Biker Chick. Didn't go too well, apparently.
Ah well. Can't affect us that much.
LATER
Blimey, that's a big helicopter.
ENTRY 30
They escaped. Boo.
Ah well, get to have a dramatic subway fight now. Even though I have to morph again. I have time to take an anti-emetic this time though.
ENTRY 31
What is wrong with humans nowadays? Do they think you can just shove someone in front of a train and run away? I don't THINK so.
LATER
Shot Mr Anderson. Haha.
Had to morph into several people to do so though. Am feeling distinctly queasy now.
LATER
Apparently Mr Anderson doesn't like being shot.
But still, did he really have to go all symbolic on me?
And the whole lumps-under-skin thing has been done. Hasn't he ever seen 'The Mummy'?
Bet he hasn't seen Bambi either. Common little oik.