And so comes the chapter for Reloaded! I'm sorry that it's taken so long,
but I've been fretting for ages that it was too short, but hey - I'm sure
you'd prefer a short chapter to no chapter at all, right? And also, there's
the slightly incentive of attack chickens camping out on my lawn. It may
take a while for the Revolutions one to come, but I might start working on
another character's secret diary - possibly Neo or Morpheus'. Or maybe the
Twins'. Might become a whole series. Who knows?
THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH
PROGRAM NUMBER 1010011010
DO NOT READ
AGENT JOHNSON, I'M TALKING TO YOU
WEIRDO
ENTRY 32
Great. I've been compelled to stay, compelled to disobey, compelled to make a rhyme every other sentence. Stupid common-little-non-Bambi-watching oik.
Look on the light side though, Agent Chansey and co have been deleted! All that pink must have clashed with the green.
ENTRY 33
Hey. Being a rebel is actually pretty fun. Gets much more attention from the ladies anyway - saw Persephone checking me out the other day.
ENTRY 34
Damn. She prefers Neo. Must take him out of the running.
ENTRY 35
I went to the door to deliver my little ear-thing to Neo, only to discover there was a whole line of door-to-door salesmen. I must admit I got a little tetchy with them.
ENTRY 36
Headlines in newspapers today - '"I WAS ATTACKED BY CLONES!" CLAIM SALESMEN'.
Well, all publicity is good publicity.
ENTRY 37
Saw these two men running away from the Oracle's apartment. Was in a bit of a bad mood - the novel of my life had been rejected from the publishers - so I decided to possess one of them.
Quite fun actually.
ENTRY 38
Received an e-mail from that guy I possessed. Apparently he got back to Zion safely, but complains of a smell down there.
ENTRY 39
Possessed-guy tried to attack Mr Anderson with a knife. At first I rebuked him, telling him we're more subtle than that. He pointed out the fight at the subway. I took it back, and told him to try and get hold of a bazooka.
ENTRY 39
Was on my way to the off-licence when I saw Mr Anderson talking to the Hag of the Black Lagoon, aka the Oracle. I don't know why she gets to me so much.
Anyway, I was able to unleash my army of trained birds, and be all dramatic. Think I may have gone over the top on my reason for staying thing. I was starting to sound like Harry Potter.
I wonder if Harry Potter ever saw Bambi?
Anyway, Mr Anderson took my attempt to turn him into me worse than I expected, especially when two of my duplicates took his pole. He was not a happy bunny. Actually, I don't think he's ever a bunny, happy or otherwise. Except when he's being used in Morpheus' 'Alice in Wonderland' metaphors, I guess.
I tried producing lots of me, but he just flew away, the pansy. Then all my duplicates demanded food. Goodbye bank account.
ENTRY 40
Another e-mail from possessed guy.
From: zionjudas@smith.net
To: i_hate_the_smell@smith.net
Subject: Meeting
There was some big meeting at Zion today. They're sending two captains to find the Nebuchadnezzar. I tried to persuade my 'captain' to let us go, but he told me to shut up. I don't think he likes me. Can I get out the bazooka now? Still smelly. No-one else seems to be noticing.
ENTRY 41
I e-mailed back my little representative in Zion, telling him no, not yet. Hope he's not getting bored. Can't be much to do down there.
ENTRY 42
Still replicating myself. It's great fun, but all my duplicates demand dental plans.
ENTRY 43
Haven't had an e-mail from my Zion duplicate for a while. Hope he isn't up to anything.
While online I went to a name rearranging site. Typed in 'Mr Anderson' just to check. It spells 'mends or ran', amongst other things. 'Mends or ran'? That isn't significant, right? RIGHT?
ENTRY 44
Also spells 'arms donner'. He does carry a lot of guns, I suppose.
ENTRY 45
Have also discovered 'Thomas Anderson' means 'the doubting son of Man'. That sounds just too significant for my peace of mind. Must think of a new nickname for him to avoid significance. Must also get a hobby, as long time spent searching various anagram sites has alerted me to my amount of free time.
ENTRY 46
Got kicked out of the kick-boxing club for turning my opponents into myself when they beat me. Hmph.
ENTRY 47
A small group of duplicates are rebelling. They say they want handkerchiefs to have poking out of their chest pockets. I pointed out just how much all those handkerchiefs would cost. If they got handkerchiefs they could kiss that table football game goodbye.
ENTRY 48
Negotiations are continuing. Meanwhile, the duplicates are refusing to take their turns on the cleaning rota. Running out of socks.
ENTRY 49
Negotiations over. They've settled for Kleenex.
ENTRY 51
I'VE THOUGHT OF A NICKNAME! Dressy man! Puerile, but hey.
ENTRY 52
Wait, does that have an anagram?
ENTRY 53
'Randy mess'. That doesn't describe him as far as I know.
ENTRY 54
Scratch that. Just read the section of his file regarding to high school. Back to square one.
ENTRY 55
He-with-no-nickname-as-of-yet and the others went to see the Merovingian today. Then there was this big freeway chase. I guessed that this would happen, since all the phones within two miles of the Merovingian's restaurant had been disabled by my duplicates (I was bored). I stole a helicopter and watched it all. Relatively exciting, I suppose. Was saddened that Morpheus didn't even get vaguely singed in the massive explosion that was made by the lorries.
Very glad that I've gone independent. Agents' line of work is getting more and more risky.
ENTRY 56
Went to head off That Guy, Morpheus and their new pet from the Source. Meant I got to be all creepy and show off all my duplicates. Haha. Nearly succeeded in turning Morpheus into me, but That Guy seemed remarkably tetchy about that.
In hindsight, it seemed the right thing to do. What if my clone had retained Morpheus' cellulite?
Anyway, as That Guy flew towards the door, I recognized their new pet. He once locked the bathroom door behind me, forcing me walk along the hall in a towel to beg a pair of trousers off Agent Chansey. Never forgave him for that.
But I did shoot him, so the grudge is eased slightly. Only slightly, though.
ENTRY 57
Another e-mail from zionjudas@smith.net. He says that he managed to destroy five ships and cause a massacre of humans.
I told him well done. He's a boy after my own heart.
*****
I realize that these callouts may turn out longer than the actual story, but it's become something of a tradition in my stories! Even though I have over 30 to write. here goes.
Tanuki Yasha - I can't remember much of Bambi now. I just remember that I cried and covered my eyes, but quickly got over it and thought Thumper was cool, and bought the toy the next day. I was a weird kid. Still am.
Alocin - I know! *sniff* How can Disney writers inflict so much tragedy on little kids? HOW??
The Farting Menace - Well, that's one down - one to go! Glad you liked, uh, so much of it.
Varia Lecto - I will do one for Revolutions when it comes out on video. I only saw it once in the cinemas so I can't write one just yet, not enough parodiable material stored in my head.
Shadow Peach - Unpleasantly decorated. that's a very good way of putting it. Sounds a bit like my grandparents' sitting room though. (GASP) MY GRANDPARENTS' SITTING ROOM HUGGED AGENT SMITH!!!
Kitsune-Chan 8 - How can he afford cool suits for all the other clones? How does he keep his sunglasses on? How on earth am I so random when I had a normal upbringing? There are a lot of questions with no answers in this world.
Aqua Phoenix1 - Glad you like it so much!
Im a Brandybuck - In hindsight, I think he's not so much a Chansey but a Jigglypuff. or a Clefairy.
Megami no Inazumi - It's actually quite difficult to write, I have to think of something strange for him to say for each event. and even several events I make up.
Mako - Thanks! Running out of things to say now. heh, Smelrond. Look, I'VE updated, when are YOU going to?
Jack Cole - I hate ALL slash, full stop. Watch out for a new fic being released soon!
Not telling - (starts to ponder about writing a Harry Potter fanfic) Hmmm. well, I'd get to tease Harry.
Maron Sheikan - The reason it's written so accurately is that I know someone who reminds me of Smith very much, so I just listen to her.
Matrix-Twin1 - Thanks! I'm continuing with that one soon too, I just need to watch ROTK again beforehand.
Littlefurryscrubcreature - My RS teacher said about 'common little oiks' in the lesson, which is where I got the inspiration. But Agent Chansey was all MY idea! Whaddya think of THAT? HA!!! Ahem.
RadicalElf - There you go! Hope you enjoyed it!
The Twins - You can't think of a dramatic exit? Feeble. (suddenly leaps out of the way of an arrow fired by attack chickens, somersaults out the window and grabs onto a ladder dangling from a helicopter as crème eggs are fired at her, and flies away into the sunset)
Lyris Malachi - Well, after careful consideration (actually, random pondering while writing all these callouts) I've decided that the next diary may be the Merovingian's, or the Twins'. Hee hee.
Bulma Greenleaf - Hmm, a Mummy parody. could be interesting. OOH! SUDDEN INSPIRATION!!
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Hell, I'm not the only one with 'eyes' in their name - although since this review was from October, you've probably already made the decision without me! So never mind!
ThePowerOfTHREE - Yeah, once or twice. Sorry, not as many Pokemon in this one. my apologies.
Pretty-Asuka - Well, I did like Bambi, it just really bummed me out, so I don't watch it all that often. besides, I have films like 'The Matrix' and 'Lord of the Rings' to watch! And 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and 'Back to the Future' and 'Star Wars' and 'Forrest Gump' and 'Pearl Harbour' and.
Deity of Sorrow - Ooops. I've killed again. Must stop doing that.
Eralc - Sorry, only one more chapter now. NOOO!!
Suzy - Not really, I had it pointed out to me by someone else.
Hunter-14180 - And to put it quite simply, ta very much!
Pie - Mmmm.. Pie. Why did you have to say pie? I'M HUNGRY NOW!!! (goes off in search of pies)
Hogwarts-Drama-Queen - Thanks very much! Revolutions may take a while though.
Lady Kate - OK, more coming! Just, uh, watch this space! No, not that space, THAT space. Between the lamp posts.
Richard the pedantic - Thanks! Everyone contemplates the idea of their teeth shattering at some point in their lives.
Ergo-Visavis - I was a dysfunctional child and I got Bambi. Maybe I was less dysfunctional. or maybe more.
Virginia Woolf - Ahh, the well known pink pill. The red pill causes a disruption in your input-output carrier signal. The blue pill causes to you to wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. The pink pill means that the sparkly elves come and tell you about the fact that the moon isn't cheese, it's actually a potato. I like those pink pills.
THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH
PROGRAM NUMBER 1010011010
DO NOT READ
AGENT JOHNSON, I'M TALKING TO YOU
WEIRDO
ENTRY 32
Great. I've been compelled to stay, compelled to disobey, compelled to make a rhyme every other sentence. Stupid common-little-non-Bambi-watching oik.
Look on the light side though, Agent Chansey and co have been deleted! All that pink must have clashed with the green.
ENTRY 33
Hey. Being a rebel is actually pretty fun. Gets much more attention from the ladies anyway - saw Persephone checking me out the other day.
ENTRY 34
Damn. She prefers Neo. Must take him out of the running.
ENTRY 35
I went to the door to deliver my little ear-thing to Neo, only to discover there was a whole line of door-to-door salesmen. I must admit I got a little tetchy with them.
ENTRY 36
Headlines in newspapers today - '"I WAS ATTACKED BY CLONES!" CLAIM SALESMEN'.
Well, all publicity is good publicity.
ENTRY 37
Saw these two men running away from the Oracle's apartment. Was in a bit of a bad mood - the novel of my life had been rejected from the publishers - so I decided to possess one of them.
Quite fun actually.
ENTRY 38
Received an e-mail from that guy I possessed. Apparently he got back to Zion safely, but complains of a smell down there.
ENTRY 39
Possessed-guy tried to attack Mr Anderson with a knife. At first I rebuked him, telling him we're more subtle than that. He pointed out the fight at the subway. I took it back, and told him to try and get hold of a bazooka.
ENTRY 39
Was on my way to the off-licence when I saw Mr Anderson talking to the Hag of the Black Lagoon, aka the Oracle. I don't know why she gets to me so much.
Anyway, I was able to unleash my army of trained birds, and be all dramatic. Think I may have gone over the top on my reason for staying thing. I was starting to sound like Harry Potter.
I wonder if Harry Potter ever saw Bambi?
Anyway, Mr Anderson took my attempt to turn him into me worse than I expected, especially when two of my duplicates took his pole. He was not a happy bunny. Actually, I don't think he's ever a bunny, happy or otherwise. Except when he's being used in Morpheus' 'Alice in Wonderland' metaphors, I guess.
I tried producing lots of me, but he just flew away, the pansy. Then all my duplicates demanded food. Goodbye bank account.
ENTRY 40
Another e-mail from possessed guy.
From: zionjudas@smith.net
To: i_hate_the_smell@smith.net
Subject: Meeting
There was some big meeting at Zion today. They're sending two captains to find the Nebuchadnezzar. I tried to persuade my 'captain' to let us go, but he told me to shut up. I don't think he likes me. Can I get out the bazooka now? Still smelly. No-one else seems to be noticing.
ENTRY 41
I e-mailed back my little representative in Zion, telling him no, not yet. Hope he's not getting bored. Can't be much to do down there.
ENTRY 42
Still replicating myself. It's great fun, but all my duplicates demand dental plans.
ENTRY 43
Haven't had an e-mail from my Zion duplicate for a while. Hope he isn't up to anything.
While online I went to a name rearranging site. Typed in 'Mr Anderson' just to check. It spells 'mends or ran', amongst other things. 'Mends or ran'? That isn't significant, right? RIGHT?
ENTRY 44
Also spells 'arms donner'. He does carry a lot of guns, I suppose.
ENTRY 45
Have also discovered 'Thomas Anderson' means 'the doubting son of Man'. That sounds just too significant for my peace of mind. Must think of a new nickname for him to avoid significance. Must also get a hobby, as long time spent searching various anagram sites has alerted me to my amount of free time.
ENTRY 46
Got kicked out of the kick-boxing club for turning my opponents into myself when they beat me. Hmph.
ENTRY 47
A small group of duplicates are rebelling. They say they want handkerchiefs to have poking out of their chest pockets. I pointed out just how much all those handkerchiefs would cost. If they got handkerchiefs they could kiss that table football game goodbye.
ENTRY 48
Negotiations are continuing. Meanwhile, the duplicates are refusing to take their turns on the cleaning rota. Running out of socks.
ENTRY 49
Negotiations over. They've settled for Kleenex.
ENTRY 51
I'VE THOUGHT OF A NICKNAME! Dressy man! Puerile, but hey.
ENTRY 52
Wait, does that have an anagram?
ENTRY 53
'Randy mess'. That doesn't describe him as far as I know.
ENTRY 54
Scratch that. Just read the section of his file regarding to high school. Back to square one.
ENTRY 55
He-with-no-nickname-as-of-yet and the others went to see the Merovingian today. Then there was this big freeway chase. I guessed that this would happen, since all the phones within two miles of the Merovingian's restaurant had been disabled by my duplicates (I was bored). I stole a helicopter and watched it all. Relatively exciting, I suppose. Was saddened that Morpheus didn't even get vaguely singed in the massive explosion that was made by the lorries.
Very glad that I've gone independent. Agents' line of work is getting more and more risky.
ENTRY 56
Went to head off That Guy, Morpheus and their new pet from the Source. Meant I got to be all creepy and show off all my duplicates. Haha. Nearly succeeded in turning Morpheus into me, but That Guy seemed remarkably tetchy about that.
In hindsight, it seemed the right thing to do. What if my clone had retained Morpheus' cellulite?
Anyway, as That Guy flew towards the door, I recognized their new pet. He once locked the bathroom door behind me, forcing me walk along the hall in a towel to beg a pair of trousers off Agent Chansey. Never forgave him for that.
But I did shoot him, so the grudge is eased slightly. Only slightly, though.
ENTRY 57
Another e-mail from zionjudas@smith.net. He says that he managed to destroy five ships and cause a massacre of humans.
I told him well done. He's a boy after my own heart.
*****
I realize that these callouts may turn out longer than the actual story, but it's become something of a tradition in my stories! Even though I have over 30 to write. here goes.
Tanuki Yasha - I can't remember much of Bambi now. I just remember that I cried and covered my eyes, but quickly got over it and thought Thumper was cool, and bought the toy the next day. I was a weird kid. Still am.
Alocin - I know! *sniff* How can Disney writers inflict so much tragedy on little kids? HOW??
The Farting Menace - Well, that's one down - one to go! Glad you liked, uh, so much of it.
Varia Lecto - I will do one for Revolutions when it comes out on video. I only saw it once in the cinemas so I can't write one just yet, not enough parodiable material stored in my head.
Shadow Peach - Unpleasantly decorated. that's a very good way of putting it. Sounds a bit like my grandparents' sitting room though. (GASP) MY GRANDPARENTS' SITTING ROOM HUGGED AGENT SMITH!!!
Kitsune-Chan 8 - How can he afford cool suits for all the other clones? How does he keep his sunglasses on? How on earth am I so random when I had a normal upbringing? There are a lot of questions with no answers in this world.
Aqua Phoenix1 - Glad you like it so much!
Im a Brandybuck - In hindsight, I think he's not so much a Chansey but a Jigglypuff. or a Clefairy.
Megami no Inazumi - It's actually quite difficult to write, I have to think of something strange for him to say for each event. and even several events I make up.
Mako - Thanks! Running out of things to say now. heh, Smelrond. Look, I'VE updated, when are YOU going to?
Jack Cole - I hate ALL slash, full stop. Watch out for a new fic being released soon!
Not telling - (starts to ponder about writing a Harry Potter fanfic) Hmmm. well, I'd get to tease Harry.
Maron Sheikan - The reason it's written so accurately is that I know someone who reminds me of Smith very much, so I just listen to her.
Matrix-Twin1 - Thanks! I'm continuing with that one soon too, I just need to watch ROTK again beforehand.
Littlefurryscrubcreature - My RS teacher said about 'common little oiks' in the lesson, which is where I got the inspiration. But Agent Chansey was all MY idea! Whaddya think of THAT? HA!!! Ahem.
RadicalElf - There you go! Hope you enjoyed it!
The Twins - You can't think of a dramatic exit? Feeble. (suddenly leaps out of the way of an arrow fired by attack chickens, somersaults out the window and grabs onto a ladder dangling from a helicopter as crème eggs are fired at her, and flies away into the sunset)
Lyris Malachi - Well, after careful consideration (actually, random pondering while writing all these callouts) I've decided that the next diary may be the Merovingian's, or the Twins'. Hee hee.
Bulma Greenleaf - Hmm, a Mummy parody. could be interesting. OOH! SUDDEN INSPIRATION!!
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Hell, I'm not the only one with 'eyes' in their name - although since this review was from October, you've probably already made the decision without me! So never mind!
ThePowerOfTHREE - Yeah, once or twice. Sorry, not as many Pokemon in this one. my apologies.
Pretty-Asuka - Well, I did like Bambi, it just really bummed me out, so I don't watch it all that often. besides, I have films like 'The Matrix' and 'Lord of the Rings' to watch! And 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and 'Back to the Future' and 'Star Wars' and 'Forrest Gump' and 'Pearl Harbour' and.
Deity of Sorrow - Ooops. I've killed again. Must stop doing that.
Eralc - Sorry, only one more chapter now. NOOO!!
Suzy - Not really, I had it pointed out to me by someone else.
Hunter-14180 - And to put it quite simply, ta very much!
Pie - Mmmm.. Pie. Why did you have to say pie? I'M HUNGRY NOW!!! (goes off in search of pies)
Hogwarts-Drama-Queen - Thanks very much! Revolutions may take a while though.
Lady Kate - OK, more coming! Just, uh, watch this space! No, not that space, THAT space. Between the lamp posts.
Richard the pedantic - Thanks! Everyone contemplates the idea of their teeth shattering at some point in their lives.
Ergo-Visavis - I was a dysfunctional child and I got Bambi. Maybe I was less dysfunctional. or maybe more.
Virginia Woolf - Ahh, the well known pink pill. The red pill causes a disruption in your input-output carrier signal. The blue pill causes to you to wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. The pink pill means that the sparkly elves come and tell you about the fact that the moon isn't cheese, it's actually a potato. I like those pink pills.