Finally! The final chapter! We've had a good run, it's taken me FAR too long to put this one up. But it's finally over. I know the last chapter was really short, but don't worry, this chapter's really long! I'll learn how to write proper-lengthed chapters one day! And thanks to everyone who's reviewed over the past three chapters - I'm thinking that next I'm probably going to do Neo, or maybe the Twins. But please, suggestions are welcome!

THE SECRET DIARY OF AGENT SMITH

PROGRAM NUMBER 1010011010

WHICH IS BINARY FOR 666, SINCE NO-ONE HAS COMMENTED ON IT

I PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THESE THINGS, DADGUMMIT!

ENTRY 51

Haha. The Guy With No Name is stuck in the train station. Not only that, but stuck with that annoying little girl, Sati. I remember having to play Barbies with her every single Matrix Christmas party. That's another advantage of being an exile I hadn't thought of.

Besides, her name makes me hungry every time I hear it. I mean, did those programs have to call her something so similar to saté? Which is, oh, I don't know, my favourite food?

OK, I've got to go order some saté now. Damn craving inducing kid.

ENTRY 52

Thank God, craving inducing kid's gone. All my counterparts and I cheered when the Trainman hit The Guy With No Name. He's had it coming for a long time.

Not that I'm normally fond of the Trainman. His teeth offend me. I mean, come on man, you serve the Merovingian. Surely you should get a dental plan?

Anyway, had great fun today. Should have locked The Guy With No Name into the station a long time ago. I started playing a really faint humming sound on the platform, and I could tell that it was seriously bugging The Guy With No Name.

Hahahahaha.

ENTRY 53

I still need a nickname for The Guy With No Name! His name shall be...

Umm... er...

IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT.

ENTRY 54

Have finally thought of a nickname! The Guy With No Name is hereafter known as Gad. Yes, Gad. An acronym for 'Gimme a dollar', the expression he so often seems to have.

And as a major bonus, it doesn't have any symbolic roots that I'm aware of... Yes!

ENTRY 55

Wait a minute, people says 'Egads' when they see a monster or something in old films...

ARGH! Stop fussing! Gad will do!

ENTRY 56

Damn Biker Chick! That damn PVC-cladded girl got Gad out of there! Just when I was about to start wafting pizza smell down the tunnel!

ENTRY 57

I checked my watch and realized that it's only about a few hours until the sentinels reach Zion.

Crikey, I'd better get moving if I want to take over the Matrix before then.

The other Smiths weren't too happy when I told them that their 'Grand Theft Auto' tournament would have to wait.

ENTRY 58

Another e-mail from zionjudassmith.net. Apparently he's recovering from the sentinel attack, but now the people on the ship are suspicious.

Well, he has tried to attack Gad with a knife, set off an EMP and sabotaged the attempt of defence by Zion by destroying every ship they have. About time they noticed, I suppose.

ENTRY 59

Having great success turning people into me. Seem to be running out of people to change though. Hm. May be getting addicted to this.

ENTRY 60

Some kids in the street just came up to me and said, "Hahaha! You have but one choice, the Ring must be destroyed!"

What? Why? Why?

ENTRY 61

Some police turned up and told me off for turning those kids into me. So I had to turn THEM into me as well. And their back-up. And their back-up's back-up.

It's a vicious circle.

ENTRY 62

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net:

'I managed to confuse them into stopping questioning me. I think Biker Chick is still suspicious though.'

My return e-mail:

'Were you too confusing? Idiot! You're supposed to be undercover! Think like a human! Humans can't come up with confusing talks like that! Watch a couple of episodes of Big Brother – THAT is the level of intellect you are aiming for!'

ENTRY 63

Har har! Finally! The craving-inducing kid is me!

...I just read that.

But yes, finally, I managed to replicate myself into the craving-inducing little girl and that weird guy who once beat me in a Pokemon-character- lookalike contest. I just dyed my hair purple to look like James – he actually bought a stuffed talking Pikachu to go with his costume. I couldn't compete with that.

And then I went and dropped in to see my 'mum'. Of course, it's mum in the metaphorical sense, because otherwise the Architect would be my dad... argh... I think I'd be more horrified than Luke Skywalker in that situation.

Where was I? Oh yes. I smashed her cookies, talked to her in a patronising way, showed no respect whatsoever and then finally turned her into me.

.... Thinking about it, I completely acted as though I WAS her son.

Oh boy.

ENTRY 64

The Smith-Counterpart from the Oracle STILL hasn't stopped cackling.

ENTRY 65

Why won't he stop cackling?? He's told us that he's foreseen that he wins against Gad, but won't explain the details!

AND he says that we don't get to fight Gad! We only watch!

Who does he think he is? Our mother?

Wait a minute...

ENTRY 66

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net.

'Smithyyyy... just killed a girl... She was trying to see my head, Grabbed a scalpel, now she's dead... Smithyyyy... Plan had just begun.... And now I've gone and had to stooow awaaay...'

Has he been listening to Bohemian Rhapsody? Does Gad have a stereo?

ENTRY 67

Oracle-Counterpart has stopped cackling long enough to take charge.

Oh yes. I'm no longer Head Smith. I'm Smith #0000000002.

Huh.

ENTRY 68

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net. Thank god, he wasn't singing in this one.

'Am stowed away on Gad and Biker Chick's ship. They're splitting up, apparently. Have they never seen a horror movie?? I mean, geez!'

I think that he has been spending too much time amongst humans.

'Counting on their limited knowledge of horror movies, I am planning on shutting off the lights, and am expecting only one of them to come and check it out. Maybe they'll even say "I'll be right back," before they do so.'

Either that or he has way too much free time. First Bohemian Rhapsody, now deep knowledge of horror films? Do the Zion hovercrafts have massive entertainment centres? Am I missing something?

ENTRY 69

Oh boy. NOW Oracle-Counterpart wants us to go on a team-building exercise to replicate ourselves into those weird villagers who live halfway up the Himalayas.

We pretended that we couldn't hear him. And when a crowd of millions are all ignoring you, it can be pretty disheartening.

Not for Oracle-Counterpart. He gave us all maps and sent us off with a cheery wave.

We walked around the corner and just went to the arcade.

ENTRY 70

The dancing game is fun! I rock at it!

ENTRY 71

E-mail from zionjudassmith.net.

'Haha, Smithy-boy!! I kicked your counterpart's ass! I kicked it good! Even though I was BLIND!! Ya hear me? I'm so powerful now that I'm BLIND! Are YOU blind? Well, you have those stupid sunglasses, so close enough... Anyway, I'm kicking to kick YOUR ass too now! Beware, little Smithy! Bwahahahaha!'

I'm beginning to suspect that my counterpart's plan didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

ENTRY 72

Uh-oh. Oracle-Counterpart came and found us all in the arcade. Well, it was hardly difficult, we were all crowded into the one room and the rest of us were on the street outside watching.

Anyway, he's now making us stand out in the street to wait for Gad.

In the rain.

I suggested mutiny. The idea is currently being passed along the line.

We could be here for a long time.

ENTRY 73

Still raining. Still wet.

Everyone is taking off their sunglasses and wiping them every five seconds.

Why couldn't I be one of the ones who got to go in the buildings? I'm Smith #0000000002! Isn't that worth anything?

I knew taping 'HI I'M MR ANDERSON!' on his back would have repercussions...

ENTRY 74

One Smith started singing 'It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring.'

We all shouted at him to shut up, but it was too late. It is now stuck firmly in all of our heads.

ENTRY 75

It's rather a morbid nursery rhyme, if you think about it. It's about a man hitting his head so that he can't get up in the morning.

What does that mean? Is the old man dead? Paralyzed? Or drunk? That would explain why he hit his head in the first place.

But what does that have to do with rain? Why do people sing it when it rains? It's not about rain, it's about drunken old men! What sort of song is that to teach children??

ENTRY 76

"We're going to need an Ark soon!" said one Smith in an attempt at humour, "Two of each creature, right?"

We all looked at each other and made no comment.

ENTRY 77

Finally! Gad is here! Thank goodness, my socks are getting drenched.

It was very annoying to see Oracle-Counterpart usurping my role. Calling him Gad and having lots of good lines.

And Gad didn't even notice that it wasn't me!! I was very hurt.

And now they're fighting. Soon be over.

ENTRY 78

And still fighting.

ENTRY 79

Still at it. We're watching the fight on the JumboVision screen since they went into a building.

Oh, so Oracle-Counterpart doesn't have to get wet. Never mind us.

ENTRY 80

Can't they get a move on? I mean, I know that it's a very sentimental time for all of us, being our last fight and all, but come on. Will and Grace is on later.

ENTRY 81

Now they're fighting in the sky. Lots of lovely effective lightning. Green lightning, sadly, but still lightning. Very dramatic.

One Smith has started selling popcorn. He'll be a billionaire by the end of the evening.

Ooh, Oracle-Counterpart has started shoving Gad down towards the pavement. Boy, that's going to hurt-

ENTRY 82

My, that was the biggest KER-SPLATT I ever saw.

ENTRY 83

HOW CAN GAD STILL BE ALIVE??????? HE'S HUMAN!!!!! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SQUISHED!!!!

Has the pavement been replaced with the special squidgy pavement from their jump program or something??

ENTRY 84

Oracle-Counterpart got really aggravated with Gad. Tut tut. I always managed to keep an aura of aloofness and calm.

But then again, Gad was pretty much ignoring all that he was saying. Still, he's entitled to his own opinion.

ENTRY 85

Boy, that punch must have hurt! The Matrix even went into slow motion so that we could all see it properly!

That happens a lot actually, when we're fighting... the Matrix slows down and goes all spinny... I really should have mentioned it to the Architect, could be a design fault...

ENTRY 86

Oracle-Counterpart has gone rocketing into the wall of the crater.

Must... not... cheer... must maintain aura of aloofness... oh bugger, he's back.

ENTRY 87

OH. Apparently this is HIS world. Not OUR world. HIS world. OH. That put US in our place, didn't it?

And excuse me, but waiting for the lightning to flash before shouting that? The Drama Queen Award goes to...

ENTRY 88

Oracle-Counterpart is now getting all confident because he's foreseen this part of the fight, and knows what happens next.

Has he never seen 'Back to the Future'? You must never know too much about your own future!! Otherwise you end up having to go back in time in a flying Dolorean and accidentally have your mum fall in love with you...

ACK! That would mean the Oracle! ACK! ACK!

ENTRY 89

BRAIN BLEACH! I NEED BRAIN BLEACH!

Oh wait, Gad's getting up. He looks – defeated? Is Gad giving up? This is bizarre-

GAD IS LETTING ORACLE-COUNTERPART TURN HIM INTO HIM?!?!?

Whoa!! I obviously don't give him enough credit!

Wait a minute. I don't like the look on the face of Gad-Counterpart. He might start cackling any moment.

ENTRY 90

He didn't cackle. He blew up.

Good riddance I say.

Wait a minute-

ENTRY 91

Well. I got blown up.

Bugger.

-

mronimusha – Thanks very much! I wasn't laughing when my mocks were over, I was more the dancing-down-the-path type.

Agent Josey - ... Ack, I'd forgotten you asked me to read your stories. Sorry! I will as soon as I can!

Im a Brandybuck - ... that is a terrifying image. Agent Jigglypuff could rule the world.

Megami no Inazumi – Thanks!

Theshiz – I don't think you ever did send me those Agent Smith avatars – they sound cool!

Alocin – I've never seen Watership Down, but I don't particularly want to. Little bunnies in peril isn't my idea of a fun film. Haha, an entire Smith colony on a beach... Jet-skis, sandcastle building...

Enelya – Turpey... sounds intriguing. Hmm. OK, send over the turpey, and you'll get some pink pills.

Huntress – Thanks! I thought about changing my e-mail address to that...

Geekgurl – It is slightly difficult to take him seriously since I watched the Matrix Reloaded in German. Agent Smith talking in a slightly nasal German accent... "MISDA ENDERSEN!!!"

Richard the pedantic – More awake now? Still with all your fingers intact?

Zadie-Rainstar – Thanks! Actually, the reason that came about was because I really couldn't think of a nickname...

Empress of Alvarra – Revoltions!! Hahahahaha!! Sorry it took so long.

Jugfvhjugfvhjughugugffhuufvg – Yes, the Wob-Wobs were the source of inspiration for that... besides the fact that all the replicates seem to be walking off in the same way... "OK, take five, guys."

Deity Of Sorrow – Not again! You must be some sort of extra-concentrated- ghost!

Lady Shinimegami – I probably will do one for the Twins at some point. You know, the actors used to live near me...

Bev Baudelaire – Again, sorry that it took so long! But I was waiting for it to come out on DVD, and then I had my exams... there was just too much going on. I'll try and get the next ones up as soon as possible.

Mystical panther – Argh! Capitalization and excessive punctuation! I'm deaf! Nah, just kidding. Argh. Little children. I know what it's like looking after them. Like at the Christmas eve party... stupid little eight- year-olds, thinking it's funny to shove sausage rolls and other snacks down my front when the guy from down the road is watching...

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS... aka ME...

First of all, I've started writing a Pokemon story in conjunction with Bulma Greenleaf – check our joint account, under the name Wob-Wobs United, to read it. Of course, if you don't like Pokemon, don't bother...

Second of all, I've started a message board for the Official Fanfiction University of Troy, coming soon, so please go and check that out! The link is on my bio!

Third of all, all of the stories in this massive update of mine were dedicated to everyone in the world who have been taking exams recently. Congratulations! You made it through them! Now RELAX! That is an order, dagnabbit! An order from the Wob-Wobs, no less!