This has got to be my favorite fic, ever. It was my favorite to write, oddly enough. (I have a warped sense of humor.) And my longest for a one-shot. Yes, I said ONE-SHOT.
I have to thank my friend, who beta read this for me and told me when I had typos...-waves the almost no typo flag- I'm ecstatic, and forever grateful for your help. ^^ Now, be a good friend and leave your pen name in a review so people will read your fics too, please? -doesn't know offhand and can't ask you-
This is a bit OOC, in one part of my mind. . . . But another part of my mind can see this happening to Kaoru. So, it's your call. You've been warned.
PLEASE Read and Review!!!!! You don't know how happy it makes me, and it also tells me what I'm doing right and wrong. (I've gone out on a limb to write this. . . . And gave some of my friends' heart attacks thinking I have depression.)
Kaoru POV for the entire thing.
The song I used is 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia.
Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me. If it did, I would not torture the characters so much. . . . –I would clone them, instead. -imagines millions of Kenshins- ^_^ Heaven on earth, if there is such a thing...
Also, a special thanks to Shii-chan, for if she had not had the mercy to give me the link to fanfiction.net, (It's being fickle and my computer is conspiring against me.) I would not have been able to upload!
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{I thought I saw a man brought to life.}
Ten years ago, there was a man who was said to be the strongest of samurai. Himura Kenshin, more commonly known as the Hitokiri Battousai was his name. And while he was skilled in his work, he was never happy. After the end of a ten year journey, I stumbled across him. He told me he was the cold blooded killer of the Revolution, and I couldn't believe him. He seemed like a man renewed. And he was, little did I know. I knew not of the pains of his past, but I accepted him for his present self. He was in no way connected to the killer, I knew.
{He was warm, he came around like he was dignified.}
I never thought I could meet a friendlier soul in all of Japan. He was kind hearted and talented, never refusing to help a person in need. He knew his place in this government. A high place it could have been, but he took the low road of helping others for no fee. To save them from trouble. He was not only my savior, but my friend, my love, and my life.
{He showed me what it was to cry.}
And he would leave me in the worst of ways. I realized quickly that I had become dependant on him. He would disappear from the dojo, but he'd be in my every thought and every action, but more importantly, forever in my heart. I had been in many battles with only a bokken to protect me, but his actions sometimes left me in worse a shape than all of the injuries from those battles summed up together. The worst and heaviest flow of tears came from knowing him.
{Well you couldn't be that man I adored. You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for.}
And one day, he came back to me as he always did. But this man in front of me was not the same man I had grown to love. This man had harsh, cold eyes. He had disregarded all feelings for me the moment he looked at me. He had no use for his heart or his soul. He had reverted back to the days of the Revolution. He had lost himself to the killer inside him that had been dormant for so long. He had lost himself, and he could not get his peace of mind back. I could not get my Kenshin back.
{But I don't know him anymore.}
I don't know what happened. I didn't realize the sky was darkening. I didn't realize the sun was fading. I didn't realize the stars were falling. I didn't realize my world was ending.
I didn't care. He was gone. There was nothing more important than that.
{There's nothing where he used to lie.}
I thought that if I forgot about him, that his memory would fade. That perhaps he never really existed. Perhaps I could carry on without him in my life. And I could. And I did.
{My conversation has run dry.}
But no matter how much I tried to convince myself, I knew it wasn't enough. This was living, but it wasn't life. Life was interesting, and life kept you happy. This living of mine was neither.
{That's what's going on, nothing's fine. I'm torn.}
Even though I tried to make them think I was all right, nothing could be farther from the truth. Nothing was all right in my life anymore. Things were either awful, or even worse yet, they were terrible.
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
I met him, and I finally thought things would be different. That I wouldn't be alone. That I would fall in love. That someone would finally care for me.
And for once, those feelings came to light in a way I had never expected.
But with his changing, my dreams which were once soaring have come crashing down at an alarming rate. And now I don't think I can place my trust in anyone ever again. The one person I had finally decided to love and to depend on had changed and left me stranded.
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.}
And now I'm alone. Now I have no one to love and no one to talk to. I am ashamed of myself for doing this to myself. I am ashamed that I fell in love way too quickly and way too deep. I will never recover from this blow.
{Illusion never changed into something real.}
I think I have been living a lie. In fact, I know I've been living a lie. I believed he cared for me. I felt safe in my knowledge and assumptions. That I was, for once, loved by someone other than my father and my mother. That I could be myself and still be someone that could be liked, and more importantly than that, loved and cared for.
But those dreams never became a reality. They were just silly, naive wishes and hopes. They never became more than that. They disappeared like wisps of smoke from an extinguished candle that had burned out in the falling rain, amidst the thunder and lightening.
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.}
My judgment had been clouded for a long, long time. But I could see that things would never be the same again. I knew that happiness would probably never come again, and that the almost perfect life I once knew was out the window.
{You're a little late, I'm already torn.}
The one thing that remained constant was my friends. But even that provided no solace. They were too late to help me. They could only watch me as I thought about this over and over; day after day. They could only watch me slowly drive myself into madness.
{So I guess the fortune teller's right. Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light.}
Those silly horoscopes, I blame them. They fed my immature thoughts and made me see something that wasn't there. But after my outlook changed, my horoscopes changed as well. It was as if the entire cosmos was poking fun at me now. Telling me that I shouldn't have led myself to believe what I had so desperately wanted. I should have seen only what was truly there, as harsh as it was.
{To crawl beneath my veins and now, I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much.}
I wondered what there was left to live for? Surely, this feeling was not one anyone should ever be forced to endure. Death seemed so much more inviting than this living hell I have been living these past few days. Feelings, I realized, run deep in our hearts. They are secretly bonds we can never break..But they are also aides to bruise our hearts. My heart at the moment was tattered and torn into so many pieces. Too many to ever put back together. In fact, a few of them are missing, stolen by the man I loved and trusted. I can never be totally happy again, knowing this kind of betrayal. This type of world I've created for myself by falling in love.
{There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn.}
These feelings that are running deep inside me are there. I can feel them. They hurt worse than any blade. But I can't put my finger on an exact emotion. I think betrayal and hatred are in there somewhere. But it's directed more towards my own feelings than anything else. But I also know there are more feelings that I have, and I can't explain them. I have never felt like this before, and I have no idea what to do. I cannot fix it myself, for some reason. I can only whisper his name out, and pray he hears me longing for him.
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
I have no hopes for a brighter future. I have no intentions of living like this for much longer. I've heard of miracles where one has lost everything they had and picked up the pieces and started again. I contemplated it, and I realized I could pick up the pieces and move on. But my heart was delicately made of glass. And had I decided to pick up the pieces, I would have cut my very soul, causing more trouble than it was worth.
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.}
It made me curious as to why I saw no need get my self-proclaimed "true love" back. Perhaps my own soul had turned black with hatred for myself. Perhaps it was not worth it, and I knew it sub consciously? Perhaps I had given up too easily? I was ashamed not only with my actions before; the lying for the sake of myself, but now I had admitted defeat. I had just given up. But it was too late to go back. After I had gotten in one hole, I had to sink deeply into another. Was this the way my life was always to be? Was I eternally damned?
{Illusion never changed into something real.}
If life was a game, I had to be the ultimate player. Had I gambled my life away in the love of this man? Had I never met him, would I have ended up happier in the long run? I doubted it. The perfect life I had imagined consisted of many family members. And for once in my life, I had that. That was my own little piece of heaven on earth, temporarily. But as quickly as the peace came, the peace left. And having lost it felt worse than never having it, in the first place.
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.}
This was the snap back to reality than I needed. This opportunity could have probably been used to better my life, if used strategically enough. But I didn't have the morale any longer. Could things rise out of these ashes of my life and turn into something beautiful, -something majestic? I doubted it, so I didn't bother. I'd only drive myself deeper into madness, closer to the end.
{You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.}
These thoughts were all coming too late. Had I considered it sooner, I might have been able to repair what I had lost. But I had already accepted this fate for myself. I had chosen the road of which to live my life. Again, everything was my own fault. Sure, Kenshin prompted my inner battles, but I had chosen the way to lead. I had ignored everything but love and in the end I was left with nothing.
{There's nothing where he used to lie.}
I look in my heart for a happy moment. I looked into his room for any trace of the gentle, caring, Kenshin I knew. But there was not even a trace of his returning. Nothing remained there except for the cold hearted killer. I was not afraid of the killer. In fact, right now I felt so numb I could have been the walking dead and not known it. But just knowing what I had lost sent me off the edge.
{My inspiration has run dry.}
A reason to live, oddly enough, comes once in a lifetime. Kenshin had become my reason to live. With him gone, I had no purpose. I belonged nowhere. My friends were nice, but they all had other things they needed to do. They couldn't watch over me all of the time. Though, perhaps they should have. Things may have ended up better in the end.
{That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn.}
No one to watch me. No one to try to stop me. The blade almost begged me to think twice about it. It told me that perhaps this could be a resolution. That this might bring me solace. After all, death makes you numb. It makes you oblivious to the pain. It invited me, as if it was an envelope addressed to me, and me alone. No one would know. At least, not until it was too late. Not until I was already gone. There was nothing they could do to me anymore.
I did it. The blade enticed me and I fell for it. It bit my skin and sent a sense of relief through me. I had done it. I had control, for once. I had done what I wanted. I began to laugh, until it escalated into something of a psychotic laughter.
I thought it was an oxymoron; to die laughing.
Then I found out the truth. It was a release.
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
After a serious bout of self realization and self discovery, Kenshin walked down the hall, his foot steps echoing in the halls as I watched the blood seep from my wound. I was still laughing. Nothing would stop me, now. Not even Kenshin.
"Kaoru-dono? What the? Why are you laughing like that –KAORU!" His eyes widened three times their normal size as they watched me die. He knew as much as I what was happening. He knew it was his fault that I had done this to myself. Had he stayed with me I would have been happier. I wouldn't have gone insane.
He ran to me, wrapping his arms around my frame as he cried, then began to sob. I felt a twinge of pain for him. I never knew I could cause this. His unhappiness was my fault. I considered apologizing, but then I realized that this was another thing I had been waiting for. This was what he had done to me. Now he could live through what I had been living through. It was his turn to live in a hell on earth.
It seemed as if he had gotten his sanity back just in time for me to prove I had lost my own.
He knew what had happened, and he knew he was responsible.
That's why he was upset. He was mad at himself. I suppose at the moment the tables had turned. Now I had all the control over him, and he would face my wrath.
It was his turn to feel helpless. It was his turn to bear the burden.
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.}
"Kaoru, I'm sorry." He sobbed into my shoulder. "This was my fault. I can't live without you. Please tell me this is all a dream. Please." He begged. He knew just as well as I that he was ashamed with himself. After all, it was his fault. All his fault. And that would plague him forever.
{Illusion never changed into something real.}
It amazed me how I could suddenly see everything I needed to see, in the moments before my death. That perhaps this was something I should have waited for. That this jewel of a man was worth the temporary pain I felt. That I had blown this all out of proportion. But now it was too late. I couldn't go back. I suddenly wished I could.
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.}
"Kenshin." I sobbed. "What can I do now? There's nothing I can do!" I yelled, feeling the tears cascade down my cheeks like a waterfall. I couldn't believe I had done this to myself. There was always another way. I could have done things differently. Why couldn't I have seen then, what I see now!?
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
Why didn't someone tell me this was wrong? But the most important question on my mind was –Why was I blaming everyone else? No one told me this was the way I should have decided to cope with the stress. No one told me this was my only choice. In fact, knowing my friends, if I did live through this, they'd never forgive me.
{I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor.}
I would never forgive myself, either. And neither would my father. Oh, the mere thought of what he thought in heaven was enough to make me wish I was alive so I wouldn't have to deal with him in the afterlife. At least, I don't think I'll have to. Suicide does not get you into heaven, I'm afraid, if there is in fact such a place. I believe it would get you to the polar opposite, which some have dubbed hell. I am shamed in myself, more ashamed than I ever was in anyone else. I can only imagine what the others will say of me when they found out.
My last breath on this good Earth, and I have a split second to think of it. I said the first thing that came to mind.
"Aishiteru, Kenshin-chan. Gomen nasai."
{You're a little late, I'm already torn.}
He said something in reply, something like. "It's all right, you'll get through this just fine."
But I never did hear him. It was to late. I had already departed from my own body.
This was worse than living. In fact, this was living the hell I had imagined myself in earlier. That world seemed so much brighter in comparison to this one.
I wonder if it is possible to commit suicide as a ghost. . . . . . . . . .
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End of the fic....Of course. XD
I can't go much farther with this, so it's a one-shot.
Please Read and Review, onegai!
I have to thank my friend, who beta read this for me and told me when I had typos...-waves the almost no typo flag- I'm ecstatic, and forever grateful for your help. ^^ Now, be a good friend and leave your pen name in a review so people will read your fics too, please? -doesn't know offhand and can't ask you-
This is a bit OOC, in one part of my mind. . . . But another part of my mind can see this happening to Kaoru. So, it's your call. You've been warned.
PLEASE Read and Review!!!!! You don't know how happy it makes me, and it also tells me what I'm doing right and wrong. (I've gone out on a limb to write this. . . . And gave some of my friends' heart attacks thinking I have depression.)
Kaoru POV for the entire thing.
The song I used is 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia.
Rurouni Kenshin does not belong to me. If it did, I would not torture the characters so much. . . . –I would clone them, instead. -imagines millions of Kenshins- ^_^ Heaven on earth, if there is such a thing...
Also, a special thanks to Shii-chan, for if she had not had the mercy to give me the link to fanfiction.net, (It's being fickle and my computer is conspiring against me.) I would not have been able to upload!
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{I thought I saw a man brought to life.}
Ten years ago, there was a man who was said to be the strongest of samurai. Himura Kenshin, more commonly known as the Hitokiri Battousai was his name. And while he was skilled in his work, he was never happy. After the end of a ten year journey, I stumbled across him. He told me he was the cold blooded killer of the Revolution, and I couldn't believe him. He seemed like a man renewed. And he was, little did I know. I knew not of the pains of his past, but I accepted him for his present self. He was in no way connected to the killer, I knew.
{He was warm, he came around like he was dignified.}
I never thought I could meet a friendlier soul in all of Japan. He was kind hearted and talented, never refusing to help a person in need. He knew his place in this government. A high place it could have been, but he took the low road of helping others for no fee. To save them from trouble. He was not only my savior, but my friend, my love, and my life.
{He showed me what it was to cry.}
And he would leave me in the worst of ways. I realized quickly that I had become dependant on him. He would disappear from the dojo, but he'd be in my every thought and every action, but more importantly, forever in my heart. I had been in many battles with only a bokken to protect me, but his actions sometimes left me in worse a shape than all of the injuries from those battles summed up together. The worst and heaviest flow of tears came from knowing him.
{Well you couldn't be that man I adored. You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for.}
And one day, he came back to me as he always did. But this man in front of me was not the same man I had grown to love. This man had harsh, cold eyes. He had disregarded all feelings for me the moment he looked at me. He had no use for his heart or his soul. He had reverted back to the days of the Revolution. He had lost himself to the killer inside him that had been dormant for so long. He had lost himself, and he could not get his peace of mind back. I could not get my Kenshin back.
{But I don't know him anymore.}
I don't know what happened. I didn't realize the sky was darkening. I didn't realize the sun was fading. I didn't realize the stars were falling. I didn't realize my world was ending.
I didn't care. He was gone. There was nothing more important than that.
{There's nothing where he used to lie.}
I thought that if I forgot about him, that his memory would fade. That perhaps he never really existed. Perhaps I could carry on without him in my life. And I could. And I did.
{My conversation has run dry.}
But no matter how much I tried to convince myself, I knew it wasn't enough. This was living, but it wasn't life. Life was interesting, and life kept you happy. This living of mine was neither.
{That's what's going on, nothing's fine. I'm torn.}
Even though I tried to make them think I was all right, nothing could be farther from the truth. Nothing was all right in my life anymore. Things were either awful, or even worse yet, they were terrible.
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
I met him, and I finally thought things would be different. That I wouldn't be alone. That I would fall in love. That someone would finally care for me.
And for once, those feelings came to light in a way I had never expected.
But with his changing, my dreams which were once soaring have come crashing down at an alarming rate. And now I don't think I can place my trust in anyone ever again. The one person I had finally decided to love and to depend on had changed and left me stranded.
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.}
And now I'm alone. Now I have no one to love and no one to talk to. I am ashamed of myself for doing this to myself. I am ashamed that I fell in love way too quickly and way too deep. I will never recover from this blow.
{Illusion never changed into something real.}
I think I have been living a lie. In fact, I know I've been living a lie. I believed he cared for me. I felt safe in my knowledge and assumptions. That I was, for once, loved by someone other than my father and my mother. That I could be myself and still be someone that could be liked, and more importantly than that, loved and cared for.
But those dreams never became a reality. They were just silly, naive wishes and hopes. They never became more than that. They disappeared like wisps of smoke from an extinguished candle that had burned out in the falling rain, amidst the thunder and lightening.
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.}
My judgment had been clouded for a long, long time. But I could see that things would never be the same again. I knew that happiness would probably never come again, and that the almost perfect life I once knew was out the window.
{You're a little late, I'm already torn.}
The one thing that remained constant was my friends. But even that provided no solace. They were too late to help me. They could only watch me as I thought about this over and over; day after day. They could only watch me slowly drive myself into madness.
{So I guess the fortune teller's right. Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light.}
Those silly horoscopes, I blame them. They fed my immature thoughts and made me see something that wasn't there. But after my outlook changed, my horoscopes changed as well. It was as if the entire cosmos was poking fun at me now. Telling me that I shouldn't have led myself to believe what I had so desperately wanted. I should have seen only what was truly there, as harsh as it was.
{To crawl beneath my veins and now, I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much.}
I wondered what there was left to live for? Surely, this feeling was not one anyone should ever be forced to endure. Death seemed so much more inviting than this living hell I have been living these past few days. Feelings, I realized, run deep in our hearts. They are secretly bonds we can never break..But they are also aides to bruise our hearts. My heart at the moment was tattered and torn into so many pieces. Too many to ever put back together. In fact, a few of them are missing, stolen by the man I loved and trusted. I can never be totally happy again, knowing this kind of betrayal. This type of world I've created for myself by falling in love.
{There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn.}
These feelings that are running deep inside me are there. I can feel them. They hurt worse than any blade. But I can't put my finger on an exact emotion. I think betrayal and hatred are in there somewhere. But it's directed more towards my own feelings than anything else. But I also know there are more feelings that I have, and I can't explain them. I have never felt like this before, and I have no idea what to do. I cannot fix it myself, for some reason. I can only whisper his name out, and pray he hears me longing for him.
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
I have no hopes for a brighter future. I have no intentions of living like this for much longer. I've heard of miracles where one has lost everything they had and picked up the pieces and started again. I contemplated it, and I realized I could pick up the pieces and move on. But my heart was delicately made of glass. And had I decided to pick up the pieces, I would have cut my very soul, causing more trouble than it was worth.
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.}
It made me curious as to why I saw no need get my self-proclaimed "true love" back. Perhaps my own soul had turned black with hatred for myself. Perhaps it was not worth it, and I knew it sub consciously? Perhaps I had given up too easily? I was ashamed not only with my actions before; the lying for the sake of myself, but now I had admitted defeat. I had just given up. But it was too late to go back. After I had gotten in one hole, I had to sink deeply into another. Was this the way my life was always to be? Was I eternally damned?
{Illusion never changed into something real.}
If life was a game, I had to be the ultimate player. Had I gambled my life away in the love of this man? Had I never met him, would I have ended up happier in the long run? I doubted it. The perfect life I had imagined consisted of many family members. And for once in my life, I had that. That was my own little piece of heaven on earth, temporarily. But as quickly as the peace came, the peace left. And having lost it felt worse than never having it, in the first place.
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.}
This was the snap back to reality than I needed. This opportunity could have probably been used to better my life, if used strategically enough. But I didn't have the morale any longer. Could things rise out of these ashes of my life and turn into something beautiful, -something majestic? I doubted it, so I didn't bother. I'd only drive myself deeper into madness, closer to the end.
{You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.}
These thoughts were all coming too late. Had I considered it sooner, I might have been able to repair what I had lost. But I had already accepted this fate for myself. I had chosen the road of which to live my life. Again, everything was my own fault. Sure, Kenshin prompted my inner battles, but I had chosen the way to lead. I had ignored everything but love and in the end I was left with nothing.
{There's nothing where he used to lie.}
I look in my heart for a happy moment. I looked into his room for any trace of the gentle, caring, Kenshin I knew. But there was not even a trace of his returning. Nothing remained there except for the cold hearted killer. I was not afraid of the killer. In fact, right now I felt so numb I could have been the walking dead and not known it. But just knowing what I had lost sent me off the edge.
{My inspiration has run dry.}
A reason to live, oddly enough, comes once in a lifetime. Kenshin had become my reason to live. With him gone, I had no purpose. I belonged nowhere. My friends were nice, but they all had other things they needed to do. They couldn't watch over me all of the time. Though, perhaps they should have. Things may have ended up better in the end.
{That's what's going on, nothings right, I'm torn.}
No one to watch me. No one to try to stop me. The blade almost begged me to think twice about it. It told me that perhaps this could be a resolution. That this might bring me solace. After all, death makes you numb. It makes you oblivious to the pain. It invited me, as if it was an envelope addressed to me, and me alone. No one would know. At least, not until it was too late. Not until I was already gone. There was nothing they could do to me anymore.
I did it. The blade enticed me and I fell for it. It bit my skin and sent a sense of relief through me. I had done it. I had control, for once. I had done what I wanted. I began to laugh, until it escalated into something of a psychotic laughter.
I thought it was an oxymoron; to die laughing.
Then I found out the truth. It was a release.
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
After a serious bout of self realization and self discovery, Kenshin walked down the hall, his foot steps echoing in the halls as I watched the blood seep from my wound. I was still laughing. Nothing would stop me, now. Not even Kenshin.
"Kaoru-dono? What the? Why are you laughing like that –KAORU!" His eyes widened three times their normal size as they watched me die. He knew as much as I what was happening. He knew it was his fault that I had done this to myself. Had he stayed with me I would have been happier. I wouldn't have gone insane.
He ran to me, wrapping his arms around my frame as he cried, then began to sob. I felt a twinge of pain for him. I never knew I could cause this. His unhappiness was my fault. I considered apologizing, but then I realized that this was another thing I had been waiting for. This was what he had done to me. Now he could live through what I had been living through. It was his turn to live in a hell on earth.
It seemed as if he had gotten his sanity back just in time for me to prove I had lost my own.
He knew what had happened, and he knew he was responsible.
That's why he was upset. He was mad at himself. I suppose at the moment the tables had turned. Now I had all the control over him, and he would face my wrath.
It was his turn to feel helpless. It was his turn to bear the burden.
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor.}
"Kaoru, I'm sorry." He sobbed into my shoulder. "This was my fault. I can't live without you. Please tell me this is all a dream. Please." He begged. He knew just as well as I that he was ashamed with himself. After all, it was his fault. All his fault. And that would plague him forever.
{Illusion never changed into something real.}
It amazed me how I could suddenly see everything I needed to see, in the moments before my death. That perhaps this was something I should have waited for. That this jewel of a man was worth the temporary pain I felt. That I had blown this all out of proportion. But now it was too late. I couldn't go back. I suddenly wished I could.
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn.}
"Kenshin." I sobbed. "What can I do now? There's nothing I can do!" I yelled, feeling the tears cascade down my cheeks like a waterfall. I couldn't believe I had done this to myself. There was always another way. I could have done things differently. Why couldn't I have seen then, what I see now!?
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel.}
Why didn't someone tell me this was wrong? But the most important question on my mind was –Why was I blaming everyone else? No one told me this was the way I should have decided to cope with the stress. No one told me this was my only choice. In fact, knowing my friends, if I did live through this, they'd never forgive me.
{I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor.}
I would never forgive myself, either. And neither would my father. Oh, the mere thought of what he thought in heaven was enough to make me wish I was alive so I wouldn't have to deal with him in the afterlife. At least, I don't think I'll have to. Suicide does not get you into heaven, I'm afraid, if there is in fact such a place. I believe it would get you to the polar opposite, which some have dubbed hell. I am shamed in myself, more ashamed than I ever was in anyone else. I can only imagine what the others will say of me when they found out.
My last breath on this good Earth, and I have a split second to think of it. I said the first thing that came to mind.
"Aishiteru, Kenshin-chan. Gomen nasai."
{You're a little late, I'm already torn.}
He said something in reply, something like. "It's all right, you'll get through this just fine."
But I never did hear him. It was to late. I had already departed from my own body.
This was worse than living. In fact, this was living the hell I had imagined myself in earlier. That world seemed so much brighter in comparison to this one.
I wonder if it is possible to commit suicide as a ghost. . . . . . . . . .
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End of the fic....Of course. XD
I can't go much farther with this, so it's a one-shot.
Please Read and Review, onegai!