"Stop Looking Out the Vindow, Drrrraco!"
Chapter Seven: The Melodrama of Malfoy
It was exactly midnight. The wind was howling, and bats were fluttering across the full moon. Leaves rustled as they blew across the ground.
Draco scaled the rusty gates of the cemetery. He leapt to the ground. Armed with a flashlight, he scanned the place. Where was it? He thought. It has got to be somewhere...
Then he found it. HARRY POTTER, the grave read. THE BOY WHO LIVED. What a corny thing to put on a gravestone, thought Draco. No doubt it was Weasley's idea; only he would think of such a ridiculous thing. He got to work immediately, setting down his large bag full of equipment. He got his shovel out and bent over the grave, digging.
It did not take long. Draco put the shovel down and stared at the white marble coffin before him. It was still in good condition - at least there weren't any spider webs yet. There was no need for him to take out his vacuum cleaner.
Gingerly, he put on his rubber gloves and opened the coffin. There was no sign of Potter. All Draco could see was a solitary Firebolt lying within the coffin, a huge contrast with the blue velvet.
~*~
Draco woke with a start. Only one thing was running through his mind:
Potter was still alive.
Damn!
~*~
"Harry's still alive???" Ron and Hermione stared open-mouthed at Draco. He had told them to meet him at the library, since one of them was practically camping out there.
Draco sighed. "Yes. I dreamed I was digging up his coffin and when I opened it, only his Firebolt was lying there. Now, if that doesn't mean he's still alive, I don't know what it's supposed to mean."
"You must be kidding! The Healers said he wasn't breathing anymore!" Ron protested.
"Why should I be kidding? This isn't even funny. Do you think I like being seen with Gryffindors?" Draco's eyes darted around. Some Slytherins who were walking past sniggered behind their hands.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you find it disgraceful to be seen with us, do you? Well, we don't exactly like hanging around rodents either."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Draco demanded, standing up.
"Such melodrama, Malfoy. You should be on stage."
Draco sat down. "Look, do you want to save your precious Potter or not?"
"Save him? How do we do that? He's in the mortuary right now. If he were alive, he would freeze to death anyway." Ron looked proud of his so- called ample amount of knowledge.
"I thought dreams were supposed to be the opposite of reality," Hermione said doubtfully.
"No," Draco said.
"Why?"
"Because I dreamt of you, Granger."
"Really? I'm flattered."
"It was a nightmare."
"That's less than heartwarming."
"What does having a nightmare about Hermione have anything to do with saving Harry?" Ron cut in.
"A lot," Draco answered. "You see, in my nightmare, I was being...kidnapped...by...Vik...tor...Krum...forget it. Just watch the VCR."
Madam Pince came walking towards them with a huge plasma-screen TV. She turned it on and left Draco, Ron and Hermione staring at Draco's dream...
~*~
"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?" sneered Hermione in the VCR. VCR Draco flinched as if she hit him.
"Get lost, Mudblood! You have no right to appear in my dreams, even if it is supposed to be a nightmare that I've met you. Clear off!" Draco snarled. The real Hermione scowled.
"Manners, Malfoy, manners!" VCR Hermione chided. "You wouldn't want to upset your father, now, would you?"
"What?!"
"Malfoy, shut up! Vat are you doing here, Hermy-own-ninny? I'm kidnapping that Malfoy. You're not involved in this!" Krum said.
"Well, I'm here to stop you from kidnapping Malfoy!" Hermione retorted. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Viktor."
"Attagirl, Granger! Show him who's boss!" Draco exclaimed. Then he realised his grave mistake. "AACK! I cheered for a Mudblood! AACK!!!" The real Hermione rolled her eyes, muttering something about ignorant purebloods.
~*~
The real Hermione frowned at Draco. "So, how does this prove that dreams are not the opposite of reality?"
Draco started breathing in and out. "I will be civil. I will be civil. I think I can. I think I can..."
"Um," Hermione said. "Excuse me?"
"Don't interrupt me!" snapped Draco. "Okay. You DO remember that you have done me a civil act before?"
"Of course," Hermione said. "I cured you of SARS."
"Exactly," said Draco. "And you DO remember that in the dream, you were also doing a civil act by stopping Krum from so-called kidnapping me?"
"What is this, civics and moral education? Give me a break," Ron interrupted.
"I get it," Hermione said, ignoring him. "So dreams are actually the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality?"
"But of course. Wasn't that what I had been trying to tell you but you refused to believe me?"
"So," Ron cut in (again), "if the dream is "the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality", then...WE HAVE TO SAVE HARRY!!!" He stood up for a more dramatic effect.
"What do you mean, 'we'?" Draco asked.
"Okay, then I HAVE TO SAVE HARRY!!!"
"I'm coming with you!!!" Hermione declared, standing up as well.
Draco stared at them as if they were insane. Ron and Hermione gave him looks that would make Voldemort cower in fear. Draco sighed, standing up with as much enthusiasm as a sea slug.
"I'm coming with you."
"On Harry's behalf, I'll actually be civil to you for once," said Hermione, extending a hand. "...Draco."
"You pronounced it wrongly. It's Draco, not Drrrrraco, Granger. I mean, Her..." Draco paused. And frowned. And realised...he did not know how to pronounce Granger's name.
"Go on. Say it!" Hermione said. "Why? Is it too overwhelming for you?"
"Her...Her...HER HER!!!" Draco pretended to cough. Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"Are you off your rocker, Mione? No way am I going to call this idiot anything other than 'that foul, evil git'!"
"You're wondrously imaginative with your insults...Ronald."
Ron turned blue in the face. "Don't call me that!!! It makes me sound like some sort of mascot for a fast food restaurant."
"Are we going to save Harry, or are we going to sit here and argue all day?" Hermione looked sharply from Ron to Draco.
"WAIT!!!" A loud, gruff voice rang out. Hagrid came thundering towards them. "I'm joinin' yeh guys, if yeh don' mind."
"Why, of course! How could we have forgotten Hagrid?" Ron stood on a chair and gave him a high five.
Draco rolled his eyes. "Him? He'll wake the dead with his thunderous footsteps."
"Wha' did yeh say????"
"Oh...nothing."
~*~
Harry found himself face to face with a surly-looking Sirius Black with hair that looked like a lion's mane. Sirius was sitting behind a counter in front of some rusty gates that was probably supposed to be shiny and gold. He was dressed in robes of pure white and a bronze halo was suspended above his terrifying head.
"Harry!" Sirius stared at him, stunned. "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you until, like, seventy years from now!"
"Where am I? I can't remember anything. I just remember a pain searing in my scar..."
"It's that You-Know-Who again," Sirius said darkly, clenching his fists.
"Anyway, why are you sitting out here?" Harry asked.
"This," Sirius said, "is the Pearly Gates, and I was put in charge of guarding it. Can't just let anyone enter, you know."
"I always thought halos were gold," mused Harry.
"Well, I guess they thought I didn't do enough good deeds to deserve anything other than a dirty, bronze one. Anyway, I'll just check your deeds before letting you pass." He started thumbing through an old and tattered book labeled 'Name List'. "Let's see...Parkinson, Pansy...Peterson, Peter..."
"Wait a minute...Parkinson's dead as well?"
"Ate an electric eel," Sirius said promptly.
"O...kay," Harry said.
"...Potter, Lily..." Sirius trailed off. He frowned. "Gee, that's funny. Your name isn't in here. There's obviously some kind of mistake somewhere." He looked up at Harry, who was clinging on to his every word.
"I think," Sirius said slowly, "that you weren't meant to come up here. You were supposed to make a miraculous recovery. But somehow the gods got mixed up with you and some person called...Harriet Potter."
"WHAT???" Harry spluttered. "So what am I supposed to do now?"
"Don't panic," Sirius said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a very old-fashioned hand phone.
"Eeee," Harry said in disgust. "Who has that kind of phone nowadays?"
"Shut it. It isn't mine. It belongs to this old guy, St. Pietro or something like that." Sirius punched in a number and waited, listening. "'Lo? James? It's Sirius here. You know that scarhead you sorted to Heaven? It's a mistake. He's not supposed to be dead. Can you bring him back down to Earth? Thanks."
"James? My father?" Harry gasped.
"James Potter? Naw, he went down to Hell. I told him not to put so many hexes on that Snivellus, but did he listen? No, you might not be too surprised to learn, he did NOT. And look what happened."
"Aw, man," Harry said, disappointed. "I heard he was this really cool dude that could defeat anyone at wizard's chess with only three moves."
"What? You guys are still crazy over wizard's chess? I thought that was only in my school days."
"That's because wizard's chess and Quidditch are the only forms of entertainment in the entire wizarding world, as far as I'm concerned. And books, but who likes reading other than Hermione?"
Just then, a man with a beard that touched the ground came speeding towards them on a shocking pink motorbike. He had wings that made him look like a snowy owl. "So you're Harry Potter? Follow me," he said gruffly.
"Bye Sirius," Harry said. "See you seventy years later." With that, he climbed onto the motorbike and was off.
~*~
Meanwhile, the unlikely foursome filed into St. Mungo's Hospital. "Why do I seem to visit this place a lot these days?" Draco mused to no one in particular.
"Someone has to ask the nurse for permission to see Harry in the mortuary," Hermione said, putting on her bossiest voice. "Drrrraco, you go."
"No, YOU go, Her...my...oh...nee," Draco said, slowly and deliberately.
"Yeh go, Ron," Hagrid said.
"No, you go, Hagrid," Ron said.
"I won' fit," Hagrid grunted. "An' I'll scare the nurse, too."
"In other words," Draco drawled, "You, half-blood oaf, are useless."
"Then you go, if you're so great," Ron snapped.
"I'LL go," Hermione sighed, approaching a nurse. "Excuse me, but could we visit the mortuary? We want to say our last goodbyes to our friend, Harry Potter."
"I'm not sure," said the nurse. "Only family members of the deceased are allowed in there, you know."
"But we're his very best friends! Right, Hagrid? Hermione?" Ron looked up at the half-giant.
"Righ'," Hagrid said unconvincingly. Hermione just nodded enthusiastically.
"And what about him?" demanded the nurse, pointing to Draco.
"Oh, he's Harry's third cousin twice removed," Hermione lied without batting an eyelid. "Right, Drrrraco?"
Draco grunted.
"Well, if you say so," the nurse said. "This way."
~*~
"So, when you bring me back to Earth will I wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by friends?"
James stared at Harry as if he was mad. "Heck no! Your body's in the mortuary right now; you'll wake up in a freezer!"
"What?!?! Won't I freeze to death?" Harry yelled.
"Well, according to this ultra-high-tech Marauder's Map, there are a few people entering the mortuary right now. If you are lucky, they might be rescuing you."
"Yeah, right," Harry said bitterly. "O Heaven is blind! I'll die a wrongful death! Lord have mercy! I might as well commit suicide now!" He stood up, preparing to jump off the motorcycle.
"Look," James snapped. "Would you rather jump off now and have zero chance of living again, or go back to Earth and risk everything?"
Harry sat down. "I'm a hero. Of course I'd risk everything. And if I die a wrongful death, I have only one thing to say to that...BRING IT ON!!!!!"
~*~
Hermione, Ron, Draco and Hagrid entered the mortuary. "It's freezing," muttered Draco, putting on the Eskimo costume he wore on Racial Harmony Day.
"It's sweltering," said a voice. A very familiar voice, thought Draco. Suddenly, one of the many drawers opened and Viktor Krum popped out.
"EEEEEURRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" Draco screamed.
"Hi, Herm-own-ninny. How's eet going?" Krum said, narrowing his eyes at Draco.
"YOU!!! It's you!!! You, who disrupts my sleep every night! Why I oughtta..." Draco rolled up his woolly sleeves. "Take that!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He punched Krum squarely in the nose.
"DRACO! What was that for???" demanded Hermione.
"Just a score to settle with this idiot," Draco said in disgust.
"Owowowowowowowowowow," Krum moaned, writhing in pain.
"Look," Ron said. "Aren't we supposed to be looking for Harry?!"
"Oh, yeah."
"I foun' him!" Hagrid cried in triumph. He stabbed a finger at drawer ABC. A pale and ashen Harry lay in there, not moving.
"Harry!" Hermione ran over to where Hagrid was and stared in shock at the body that lay in the drawer. "He's...he's not breathing," she whispered.
"Step aside, step aside. I ahm a martial artist," Krum said, now using Hagrid's handkerchief to stop his nose from bleeding. He started doing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
"Excuse me, but ew," Draco winced. Everyone ignored him. Hermione clasped her hands together and started to muttering.
"Stop tha'," Hagrid said. "Yeh doin' my head in."
Just then, Harry started coughing. "Where am I?" he murmured. "Oh yeah - in the mortuary. James told me."
"YOUR FATHER???" gasped Ron.
"No, a different James."
Ron, Hagrid and Hermione exchanged worried glances as if they were playing Pass the Parcel. "Is he delirious?" Hermione whispered.
"I don' know, bu' I think he's passed ou'."
"Okay," Draco interrupted. "We've rescued your precious Potter. Show's over - I'm leaving." He walked away.
Suddenly, the door of the mortuary swung open and Lucius Malfoy swept in, his black robes billowing behind him. He stood and stared frostily down his long nose at everyone. How he managed to look down at Hagrid was a mystery to even Lucius himself.
"Father!" Draco exclaimed, turning paler than ever.
"Draco, I am utterly disappointed with you. You...you actually rescued our enemy! This is Harry Potter, the enemy of the Dark Lord and all the Death Eaters! Don't you see? You have betrayed us. You are no longer my son. From now on, you are known not as Draco Malfoy but Draco the Idiot. I am disgraced." Lucius swept from the room.
There was silence.
"Is this some kind of joke?" Draco said in disbelief.
"Draco the Idiot?!?!?!" Ron spluttered with laughter.
"Guys, guys," Hermione cut in, "time out. Didn't your father's words penetrate into your thick skull, Drrraco? He's severing all ties with you. Oughtn't you feel at least a little...sad? Regretful? A sinking feeling at the bottom of your shattered heart?"
Hagrid cleared his throat, putting on glasses that could have belonged to Professor Trelawney. "Well, technically, you can't really feel a sinking feeling at the bottom of your shattered heart, because since your heart has already shattered, it isn't a whole thing anymore, so..." He trailed off as he noticed everyone's stares on him. "What's the matter? Never seen a half-giant talk properly before?" he said, looking slightly annoyed.
Everyone shook their heads.
"Forge' i'," Hagrid said, sighing and removing his massive glasses. "I'll jus' stick tuh bein' the thick one. Nobody cares abou' poor ol' 'Agrid." Then he sat down at a table and began slowly enjoying a gigantic bowl of ice kachang, i.e. minding his own business.
"Honestly speaking," Draco said, still casting wary looks in Hagrid's direction, "I think I'm better off without Father...I mean, EX-father. He's always kicking the house-elves around."
"You mean you share my compassion towards house-elves?" Hermione asked enthusiastically.
"No, I mean he's always kicking them to ME," Draco sniffed. "They STINK."
Hermione blinked, then sighed and replaced her whole basketful of S.P.E.W. badges.
~*~
Harry spent the next three months in the hospital wing. However -
"He seems to be getting from bad to worse," Madam Pomfrey declared.
Ron and Hermione leant forward on their chairs, looking concerned. Hermione was holding a large thermos flask of porridge and Ron was in the process of stuffing a spoon of the scalding hot porridge down Harry's throat. Harry didn't budge.
"You see," Madam P. continued, "He seems to have lost his memory and now he thinks he's a light bulb."
Ron looked back at Harry, only to discover he wasn't sitting in bed but hanging from the ceiling with one arm. "How did he do that?" he said, half in shock and half in admiration.
"This is serious," Hermione said, pacing the floor. "Really serious. Please, Madam Pomfrey, tell Harry he isn't a light bulb."
"What, and work in the dark?" Madam P. started laughing heartily, looking expectantly at Ron and Hermione. When neither of them gave guffaws of hysterical laughter, she cleared her throat and muttered, "Joke."
"No, we don't happen to find that uproariously amusing," Hermione said in a voice that could keep milk fresh for a month. "Oh, Ron, what are we going to do? Harry will never be the same again!" she shrieked, grabbing Ron's shoulders and shaking him back and forth. Then she let go and threw herself onto the empty bed and started sobbing, her shoulders heaving.
"Hey, don't lose it, Hermione, there's still hope," Ron said, looking at the script. "It says here that we'll get help from the most unexpected person..."
"We already got help from Malfoy!" Hermione pointed out.
"MALFOY?!?!? Why MALFOY? Why is it always MALFOY? Can't the 'most unexpected person' be someone like...like Susan Bones or something? I mean, if you already know this unexpected person is Malfoy then what's the point in saying that he's the 'most unexpected person'???"
"Er..." Hermione said as Ron started gulping down some of Hagrid's ice kachang to cool down, "who's Susan Bones? And Hagrid, why are you here? Is that the same ice kachang you were wolfing down three months ago?"
Hagrid looked up. "No, it isn't, because OBVIOUSLY if I was still eating the same ice kachang it wouldn't still be called ice kachang it would be called kachang and why are you guys staring at me like that?"
"Hagrid, you look hideous in those glasses. Destroy them," Hermione said.
"They cos' a bomb, summat!" The old Hagrid said, looking sulky.
"Anyway, Ron, if this 'most unexpected person' isn't Malfoy, then who is it?" Hermione asked.
"It's..." Ron's mouth dropped open in shock as he referred to the script.
TO BE CONTINUED...(duh)
Chapter Seven: The Melodrama of Malfoy
It was exactly midnight. The wind was howling, and bats were fluttering across the full moon. Leaves rustled as they blew across the ground.
Draco scaled the rusty gates of the cemetery. He leapt to the ground. Armed with a flashlight, he scanned the place. Where was it? He thought. It has got to be somewhere...
Then he found it. HARRY POTTER, the grave read. THE BOY WHO LIVED. What a corny thing to put on a gravestone, thought Draco. No doubt it was Weasley's idea; only he would think of such a ridiculous thing. He got to work immediately, setting down his large bag full of equipment. He got his shovel out and bent over the grave, digging.
It did not take long. Draco put the shovel down and stared at the white marble coffin before him. It was still in good condition - at least there weren't any spider webs yet. There was no need for him to take out his vacuum cleaner.
Gingerly, he put on his rubber gloves and opened the coffin. There was no sign of Potter. All Draco could see was a solitary Firebolt lying within the coffin, a huge contrast with the blue velvet.
~*~
Draco woke with a start. Only one thing was running through his mind:
Potter was still alive.
Damn!
~*~
"Harry's still alive???" Ron and Hermione stared open-mouthed at Draco. He had told them to meet him at the library, since one of them was practically camping out there.
Draco sighed. "Yes. I dreamed I was digging up his coffin and when I opened it, only his Firebolt was lying there. Now, if that doesn't mean he's still alive, I don't know what it's supposed to mean."
"You must be kidding! The Healers said he wasn't breathing anymore!" Ron protested.
"Why should I be kidding? This isn't even funny. Do you think I like being seen with Gryffindors?" Draco's eyes darted around. Some Slytherins who were walking past sniggered behind their hands.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Oh, so you find it disgraceful to be seen with us, do you? Well, we don't exactly like hanging around rodents either."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Draco demanded, standing up.
"Such melodrama, Malfoy. You should be on stage."
Draco sat down. "Look, do you want to save your precious Potter or not?"
"Save him? How do we do that? He's in the mortuary right now. If he were alive, he would freeze to death anyway." Ron looked proud of his so- called ample amount of knowledge.
"I thought dreams were supposed to be the opposite of reality," Hermione said doubtfully.
"No," Draco said.
"Why?"
"Because I dreamt of you, Granger."
"Really? I'm flattered."
"It was a nightmare."
"That's less than heartwarming."
"What does having a nightmare about Hermione have anything to do with saving Harry?" Ron cut in.
"A lot," Draco answered. "You see, in my nightmare, I was being...kidnapped...by...Vik...tor...Krum...forget it. Just watch the VCR."
Madam Pince came walking towards them with a huge plasma-screen TV. She turned it on and left Draco, Ron and Hermione staring at Draco's dream...
~*~
"Twitchy little ferret, aren't you?" sneered Hermione in the VCR. VCR Draco flinched as if she hit him.
"Get lost, Mudblood! You have no right to appear in my dreams, even if it is supposed to be a nightmare that I've met you. Clear off!" Draco snarled. The real Hermione scowled.
"Manners, Malfoy, manners!" VCR Hermione chided. "You wouldn't want to upset your father, now, would you?"
"What?!"
"Malfoy, shut up! Vat are you doing here, Hermy-own-ninny? I'm kidnapping that Malfoy. You're not involved in this!" Krum said.
"Well, I'm here to stop you from kidnapping Malfoy!" Hermione retorted. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Viktor."
"Attagirl, Granger! Show him who's boss!" Draco exclaimed. Then he realised his grave mistake. "AACK! I cheered for a Mudblood! AACK!!!" The real Hermione rolled her eyes, muttering something about ignorant purebloods.
~*~
The real Hermione frowned at Draco. "So, how does this prove that dreams are not the opposite of reality?"
Draco started breathing in and out. "I will be civil. I will be civil. I think I can. I think I can..."
"Um," Hermione said. "Excuse me?"
"Don't interrupt me!" snapped Draco. "Okay. You DO remember that you have done me a civil act before?"
"Of course," Hermione said. "I cured you of SARS."
"Exactly," said Draco. "And you DO remember that in the dream, you were also doing a civil act by stopping Krum from so-called kidnapping me?"
"What is this, civics and moral education? Give me a break," Ron interrupted.
"I get it," Hermione said, ignoring him. "So dreams are actually the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality?"
"But of course. Wasn't that what I had been trying to tell you but you refused to believe me?"
"So," Ron cut in (again), "if the dream is "the opposite of the opposite of reality, i.e. reality", then...WE HAVE TO SAVE HARRY!!!" He stood up for a more dramatic effect.
"What do you mean, 'we'?" Draco asked.
"Okay, then I HAVE TO SAVE HARRY!!!"
"I'm coming with you!!!" Hermione declared, standing up as well.
Draco stared at them as if they were insane. Ron and Hermione gave him looks that would make Voldemort cower in fear. Draco sighed, standing up with as much enthusiasm as a sea slug.
"I'm coming with you."
"On Harry's behalf, I'll actually be civil to you for once," said Hermione, extending a hand. "...Draco."
"You pronounced it wrongly. It's Draco, not Drrrrraco, Granger. I mean, Her..." Draco paused. And frowned. And realised...he did not know how to pronounce Granger's name.
"Go on. Say it!" Hermione said. "Why? Is it too overwhelming for you?"
"Her...Her...HER HER!!!" Draco pretended to cough. Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"Are you off your rocker, Mione? No way am I going to call this idiot anything other than 'that foul, evil git'!"
"You're wondrously imaginative with your insults...Ronald."
Ron turned blue in the face. "Don't call me that!!! It makes me sound like some sort of mascot for a fast food restaurant."
"Are we going to save Harry, or are we going to sit here and argue all day?" Hermione looked sharply from Ron to Draco.
"WAIT!!!" A loud, gruff voice rang out. Hagrid came thundering towards them. "I'm joinin' yeh guys, if yeh don' mind."
"Why, of course! How could we have forgotten Hagrid?" Ron stood on a chair and gave him a high five.
Draco rolled his eyes. "Him? He'll wake the dead with his thunderous footsteps."
"Wha' did yeh say????"
"Oh...nothing."
~*~
Harry found himself face to face with a surly-looking Sirius Black with hair that looked like a lion's mane. Sirius was sitting behind a counter in front of some rusty gates that was probably supposed to be shiny and gold. He was dressed in robes of pure white and a bronze halo was suspended above his terrifying head.
"Harry!" Sirius stared at him, stunned. "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you until, like, seventy years from now!"
"Where am I? I can't remember anything. I just remember a pain searing in my scar..."
"It's that You-Know-Who again," Sirius said darkly, clenching his fists.
"Anyway, why are you sitting out here?" Harry asked.
"This," Sirius said, "is the Pearly Gates, and I was put in charge of guarding it. Can't just let anyone enter, you know."
"I always thought halos were gold," mused Harry.
"Well, I guess they thought I didn't do enough good deeds to deserve anything other than a dirty, bronze one. Anyway, I'll just check your deeds before letting you pass." He started thumbing through an old and tattered book labeled 'Name List'. "Let's see...Parkinson, Pansy...Peterson, Peter..."
"Wait a minute...Parkinson's dead as well?"
"Ate an electric eel," Sirius said promptly.
"O...kay," Harry said.
"...Potter, Lily..." Sirius trailed off. He frowned. "Gee, that's funny. Your name isn't in here. There's obviously some kind of mistake somewhere." He looked up at Harry, who was clinging on to his every word.
"I think," Sirius said slowly, "that you weren't meant to come up here. You were supposed to make a miraculous recovery. But somehow the gods got mixed up with you and some person called...Harriet Potter."
"WHAT???" Harry spluttered. "So what am I supposed to do now?"
"Don't panic," Sirius said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a very old-fashioned hand phone.
"Eeee," Harry said in disgust. "Who has that kind of phone nowadays?"
"Shut it. It isn't mine. It belongs to this old guy, St. Pietro or something like that." Sirius punched in a number and waited, listening. "'Lo? James? It's Sirius here. You know that scarhead you sorted to Heaven? It's a mistake. He's not supposed to be dead. Can you bring him back down to Earth? Thanks."
"James? My father?" Harry gasped.
"James Potter? Naw, he went down to Hell. I told him not to put so many hexes on that Snivellus, but did he listen? No, you might not be too surprised to learn, he did NOT. And look what happened."
"Aw, man," Harry said, disappointed. "I heard he was this really cool dude that could defeat anyone at wizard's chess with only three moves."
"What? You guys are still crazy over wizard's chess? I thought that was only in my school days."
"That's because wizard's chess and Quidditch are the only forms of entertainment in the entire wizarding world, as far as I'm concerned. And books, but who likes reading other than Hermione?"
Just then, a man with a beard that touched the ground came speeding towards them on a shocking pink motorbike. He had wings that made him look like a snowy owl. "So you're Harry Potter? Follow me," he said gruffly.
"Bye Sirius," Harry said. "See you seventy years later." With that, he climbed onto the motorbike and was off.
~*~
Meanwhile, the unlikely foursome filed into St. Mungo's Hospital. "Why do I seem to visit this place a lot these days?" Draco mused to no one in particular.
"Someone has to ask the nurse for permission to see Harry in the mortuary," Hermione said, putting on her bossiest voice. "Drrrraco, you go."
"No, YOU go, Her...my...oh...nee," Draco said, slowly and deliberately.
"Yeh go, Ron," Hagrid said.
"No, you go, Hagrid," Ron said.
"I won' fit," Hagrid grunted. "An' I'll scare the nurse, too."
"In other words," Draco drawled, "You, half-blood oaf, are useless."
"Then you go, if you're so great," Ron snapped.
"I'LL go," Hermione sighed, approaching a nurse. "Excuse me, but could we visit the mortuary? We want to say our last goodbyes to our friend, Harry Potter."
"I'm not sure," said the nurse. "Only family members of the deceased are allowed in there, you know."
"But we're his very best friends! Right, Hagrid? Hermione?" Ron looked up at the half-giant.
"Righ'," Hagrid said unconvincingly. Hermione just nodded enthusiastically.
"And what about him?" demanded the nurse, pointing to Draco.
"Oh, he's Harry's third cousin twice removed," Hermione lied without batting an eyelid. "Right, Drrrraco?"
Draco grunted.
"Well, if you say so," the nurse said. "This way."
~*~
"So, when you bring me back to Earth will I wake up in a hospital bed surrounded by friends?"
James stared at Harry as if he was mad. "Heck no! Your body's in the mortuary right now; you'll wake up in a freezer!"
"What?!?! Won't I freeze to death?" Harry yelled.
"Well, according to this ultra-high-tech Marauder's Map, there are a few people entering the mortuary right now. If you are lucky, they might be rescuing you."
"Yeah, right," Harry said bitterly. "O Heaven is blind! I'll die a wrongful death! Lord have mercy! I might as well commit suicide now!" He stood up, preparing to jump off the motorcycle.
"Look," James snapped. "Would you rather jump off now and have zero chance of living again, or go back to Earth and risk everything?"
Harry sat down. "I'm a hero. Of course I'd risk everything. And if I die a wrongful death, I have only one thing to say to that...BRING IT ON!!!!!"
~*~
Hermione, Ron, Draco and Hagrid entered the mortuary. "It's freezing," muttered Draco, putting on the Eskimo costume he wore on Racial Harmony Day.
"It's sweltering," said a voice. A very familiar voice, thought Draco. Suddenly, one of the many drawers opened and Viktor Krum popped out.
"EEEEEURRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" Draco screamed.
"Hi, Herm-own-ninny. How's eet going?" Krum said, narrowing his eyes at Draco.
"YOU!!! It's you!!! You, who disrupts my sleep every night! Why I oughtta..." Draco rolled up his woolly sleeves. "Take that!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He punched Krum squarely in the nose.
"DRACO! What was that for???" demanded Hermione.
"Just a score to settle with this idiot," Draco said in disgust.
"Owowowowowowowowowow," Krum moaned, writhing in pain.
"Look," Ron said. "Aren't we supposed to be looking for Harry?!"
"Oh, yeah."
"I foun' him!" Hagrid cried in triumph. He stabbed a finger at drawer ABC. A pale and ashen Harry lay in there, not moving.
"Harry!" Hermione ran over to where Hagrid was and stared in shock at the body that lay in the drawer. "He's...he's not breathing," she whispered.
"Step aside, step aside. I ahm a martial artist," Krum said, now using Hagrid's handkerchief to stop his nose from bleeding. He started doing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
"Excuse me, but ew," Draco winced. Everyone ignored him. Hermione clasped her hands together and started to muttering.
"Stop tha'," Hagrid said. "Yeh doin' my head in."
Just then, Harry started coughing. "Where am I?" he murmured. "Oh yeah - in the mortuary. James told me."
"YOUR FATHER???" gasped Ron.
"No, a different James."
Ron, Hagrid and Hermione exchanged worried glances as if they were playing Pass the Parcel. "Is he delirious?" Hermione whispered.
"I don' know, bu' I think he's passed ou'."
"Okay," Draco interrupted. "We've rescued your precious Potter. Show's over - I'm leaving." He walked away.
Suddenly, the door of the mortuary swung open and Lucius Malfoy swept in, his black robes billowing behind him. He stood and stared frostily down his long nose at everyone. How he managed to look down at Hagrid was a mystery to even Lucius himself.
"Father!" Draco exclaimed, turning paler than ever.
"Draco, I am utterly disappointed with you. You...you actually rescued our enemy! This is Harry Potter, the enemy of the Dark Lord and all the Death Eaters! Don't you see? You have betrayed us. You are no longer my son. From now on, you are known not as Draco Malfoy but Draco the Idiot. I am disgraced." Lucius swept from the room.
There was silence.
"Is this some kind of joke?" Draco said in disbelief.
"Draco the Idiot?!?!?!" Ron spluttered with laughter.
"Guys, guys," Hermione cut in, "time out. Didn't your father's words penetrate into your thick skull, Drrraco? He's severing all ties with you. Oughtn't you feel at least a little...sad? Regretful? A sinking feeling at the bottom of your shattered heart?"
Hagrid cleared his throat, putting on glasses that could have belonged to Professor Trelawney. "Well, technically, you can't really feel a sinking feeling at the bottom of your shattered heart, because since your heart has already shattered, it isn't a whole thing anymore, so..." He trailed off as he noticed everyone's stares on him. "What's the matter? Never seen a half-giant talk properly before?" he said, looking slightly annoyed.
Everyone shook their heads.
"Forge' i'," Hagrid said, sighing and removing his massive glasses. "I'll jus' stick tuh bein' the thick one. Nobody cares abou' poor ol' 'Agrid." Then he sat down at a table and began slowly enjoying a gigantic bowl of ice kachang, i.e. minding his own business.
"Honestly speaking," Draco said, still casting wary looks in Hagrid's direction, "I think I'm better off without Father...I mean, EX-father. He's always kicking the house-elves around."
"You mean you share my compassion towards house-elves?" Hermione asked enthusiastically.
"No, I mean he's always kicking them to ME," Draco sniffed. "They STINK."
Hermione blinked, then sighed and replaced her whole basketful of S.P.E.W. badges.
~*~
Harry spent the next three months in the hospital wing. However -
"He seems to be getting from bad to worse," Madam Pomfrey declared.
Ron and Hermione leant forward on their chairs, looking concerned. Hermione was holding a large thermos flask of porridge and Ron was in the process of stuffing a spoon of the scalding hot porridge down Harry's throat. Harry didn't budge.
"You see," Madam P. continued, "He seems to have lost his memory and now he thinks he's a light bulb."
Ron looked back at Harry, only to discover he wasn't sitting in bed but hanging from the ceiling with one arm. "How did he do that?" he said, half in shock and half in admiration.
"This is serious," Hermione said, pacing the floor. "Really serious. Please, Madam Pomfrey, tell Harry he isn't a light bulb."
"What, and work in the dark?" Madam P. started laughing heartily, looking expectantly at Ron and Hermione. When neither of them gave guffaws of hysterical laughter, she cleared her throat and muttered, "Joke."
"No, we don't happen to find that uproariously amusing," Hermione said in a voice that could keep milk fresh for a month. "Oh, Ron, what are we going to do? Harry will never be the same again!" she shrieked, grabbing Ron's shoulders and shaking him back and forth. Then she let go and threw herself onto the empty bed and started sobbing, her shoulders heaving.
"Hey, don't lose it, Hermione, there's still hope," Ron said, looking at the script. "It says here that we'll get help from the most unexpected person..."
"We already got help from Malfoy!" Hermione pointed out.
"MALFOY?!?!? Why MALFOY? Why is it always MALFOY? Can't the 'most unexpected person' be someone like...like Susan Bones or something? I mean, if you already know this unexpected person is Malfoy then what's the point in saying that he's the 'most unexpected person'???"
"Er..." Hermione said as Ron started gulping down some of Hagrid's ice kachang to cool down, "who's Susan Bones? And Hagrid, why are you here? Is that the same ice kachang you were wolfing down three months ago?"
Hagrid looked up. "No, it isn't, because OBVIOUSLY if I was still eating the same ice kachang it wouldn't still be called ice kachang it would be called kachang and why are you guys staring at me like that?"
"Hagrid, you look hideous in those glasses. Destroy them," Hermione said.
"They cos' a bomb, summat!" The old Hagrid said, looking sulky.
"Anyway, Ron, if this 'most unexpected person' isn't Malfoy, then who is it?" Hermione asked.
"It's..." Ron's mouth dropped open in shock as he referred to the script.
TO BE CONTINUED...(duh)