A/N: I own nothing. A very crappy gift for my packmate dude4anime1's birthday, please check out her work for far better humor fics as well as beautiful angst. I swear this was supposed to be humor. Much thanks to my packmate Beebo85 for reading this and helping me choose which version to use. Also sorry about the word length I usually try to keep gifts equal but this one bit me, no offense intended. Flashback in italics. Oocness and strong language abound.

Ukitake cursed. He rarely cursed but he had cause today. Yesterday Kyoraku in all of his easily bored brilliance had decided that it would be amusing to make Mayuri think he had a suitor. All Ukitake had to do was bug the Wolf Den Tavern where they were supposed to meet, with a bug Kyoraku had acquired and they'd listen to the fireworks from the comfort of the barracks. So Kyoraku had planned.

"What did he do to anger you? Ukitake asked as he settled onto a cushion on the floor of Shu's quarters. Shu gave one of his rare, dangerous smiles as he poured some sake for Ukitake before filling his own dish.

"It's Mayuri, isn't that enough of a reason to screw with him?" he asked, but that smile said there was more to it. Ukitake could instinctively tell that he wasn't going to get an answer though, so he turned to the surround sound speakers Shu had set up.

"You really went all out," Ukitake said.

"Oh just wait dear," he replied with a wink and a deep drink. Ukitake sipped from his own dish, a rare indulgence for him.

"Heh," Mayuri said over the speaker. He sounded strangely shy and Shu gave a twisted smile of anticipation as he poured himself another dish.

"Fuck off creep," a woman's voice shot back.

"You asked me to meet you did you not?" Mayuri replied an edge of anger in his voice.

"Right sure," the woman replied. Mayuri laughed creepy but it seemed to carry a tone of relief to Ukitake. Shu's grin was baring teeth now as he poured a third dish and Ukitake finished off his own frowning. What had the scientist done to his friend?

The woman gave a small shriek more angry than scared.

"What the fuck you freak? Do you not understand how sarcasm works? See it's when someone says something completely absurd for comedic effect."

"You said you wanted to meet here," Mayuri growled.

"I'm waiting for Aizen-Taichou. Wait you brought those flowers for me?" she yelped. Shu choked on his sake.

"No way," Shu breathed as he poured Ukitake another measure and topped off his own.

"Shu, I'm getting a…." he broke off as the women began to laugh raucously.

"Just to be clear since my sarcasm appeared to confuse you: I will never ever fucking go out with you. You're an arrogant, sadistic, self-centered, freak. You're creepy as fuck and the only way a woman would ever willingly do anything with you is if you programmed her to," the woman snarled.

Kyoraku snorted, "Ouch," he laughed

Ukitake frowned lowering his dish, " Shu I think this is going a bit too far I…"

"Are you kidding? This is perfect and come on everyone's thinking that. Girl's got brass ones," he said, obviously happy with his choice of bait.

'everyone's thinking it', that's kind of the problem, Ukitake thought, worried.

"You bitch," Mayuri snarled murderously, his voice thick with rage.

"Oh god you're not gonna cry are you?"

"Hardly," Mayuri hissed "Go fuck yourself."

"Better than you," the woman replied.

"Sir I'll have to ask you to leave," the deep voice of the bouncer cut in. Mayuri must have been close to violence to get him involved but the bouncer sounded quite happy for the excuse.

"Unhand me," Mayuri snarled a few moments of silence followed and a door slammed.

"Oh fuck," Shu said closing his eyes.

"What?" Ukitake asked. Even after two dishes of sake he was feeling less than amused.

"I forgot to kill the feed,"

"So do it now," Ukitake shrugged.

"Right, after he's already heard the bug broadcasting across Seireitei," Shu replied, obviously angry at himself.

"Shit," Ukitake replied. Kyoraku rubbed a hand over his face, the laughter of the tavern patrons continued until Shu flicked a switch on the speakers. They sat in silence for a while drinking as they contemplated how to get out of the mess. Then Shu perked up as the audio picked up footsteps. He turned a dial and the static cleared.

A door clicked shut, an electric lock buzzed, more footsteps followed by the creak of a mattress.

"You bugged his room?" Ukitake yelped. Shu nodded. "Turn it off, he'll trace the signal!"

"If he's in his room he's hardly got the equipment to," Shu reasoned keeping his voice low so he could hear.

Ukitake shook his head, "You're insane."

"Thank you," Shu replied with a wink. Ukitake chuckled, it must have been the sake, he knew it was wrong, it should have made him sick but he was a little impressed. How Shu had even managed to get a bug in there was beyond him, but had Ukitake known he would have snuck it out. He told himself that at least.

Heavy breathing came over the sound system slow and deliberate at first, it grew shaky and erratic. He glanced over at Kyoraku. He was rather drunk now and blinked to bring his old friend into focus, the captain looked disappointed.

"I was expecting him to be raging and breaking stuff, you know full-psychotic," Kyoraku answered the unspoken question. Ukitake swallowed hard as he remembered who that rage would be directed at.

"Maybe he knows and is planning…." Ukitake broke off as a choked sound echoed from the speakers. There was a long silence and another sound. It reminded Ukitake of noise he made when he tried to suppress his coughs at captains' meetings.

"Is he...no," Shu hissed almost to himself, he looked distinctly uncomfortable. Ukitake opened his mouth to reply, but a sharp intake of breath, broken by a sob render his reply moot. Even drunk, the wracking sobs that filled the room drew Ukitake's sympathy.

"You're broadcasting this?" he asked disgusted.

Kyoraku shook his head. "Private show," he sounded a bit sick himself.

"Maybe he'll just kill us then," Ukitake said darkly. Mayuri could do far worse if he wished and though they could both take care of themselves Mayuri fought dirty.

"I'll keep you out of it if it comes to that," Kyoraku half-joked.

"If you get a chance, you know he won't come at us face to face," Ukitake replied. And what about you? He added silently.

Kyoraku sipped his sake and his lips twisted in a snarl. "God you'd think he was some kid with his first crush," he said attempting to dispel the awkwardness of the situation and the sounds of what they'd done. The statement hung in the air condemning them.

Ukitake shook his head and tried to tune out the sounds. He felt like scum, peeping on what by all rights should have been a private moment of weakness. A deliberately private moment at that. Even Mayuri didn't deserve that, well maybe he did but Ukitake wouldn't have been a willing party to it had he known.

Wet sniffling filled the sudden silence, interspersed with an occasional shaky breath.

"God he's acting like a teenager, think he's gonna cut himself," Kyoraku asked rhetorically, slurring a bit. Ukitake looked at him in disgust, but didn't bother saying anything, Shu knew. He saw it in his face, heard it in his tone. Even his bad attempt at humor, like he was trying to convince them both that the whole thing was just a funny prank. He was fully aware he'd gone too far.

A few deep breaths and the bug went silent for a while. Then the mattress creaked and Mayuri's fasttread clicked over the floor, the door swished opened and buzzed as it locked behind him. They stared drunkenly at the equipment for a bit, then Kyoraku rose and destroyed it all including the recording. Ukitake wondered idly if it was in disgust or an attempt to save their skins.

Ukitake stalked down the hall, Mayuri was not known for his mercy and he was about to tell Shu exactly how much he appreciated getting roped into whatever revenge the sadist was surely planning. Why Shu had broadcast that…but then he supposed it wasn't really a prank if no one else knew. Suddenly a small pink streak hit him.

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru shrieked from his shoulder.

"What in the world?" Ukitake snarled.

Yachiru cocked her head looking worried, almost scared.

Ukitake being Ukitake asked, "What cha' worried 'bout?" as opposed to the more obvious and pressing question of what was going on.

"Still thinking about Roka huh?" Yachiru asked in a tone of understanding that didn't match her age at all. She quietly nuzzled his neck.

"Who's Roka?" he asked.

Yachiru gave an annoyed snort and didn't reply.

Ukitake caught his reflection in a training mirror as he walked through the barracks and was disconcerted but unsurprised to see the eleventh captain staring back with a surprisingly gentle eye.

"Yachiru ya...you're prob'ly nah'...not going to believe this but I'm actually Juushiro Uki..."

"Ah!" Yachiru yelped. "That makes so much more sense than what I was thinking."

"The eyes gave it away?" he asked.

"Nah. Ken-chan would never have forgot Roka, even joking," she explained.

The information surprised him, but Ukitake filed it away and not missing a beat said, "It appears that Shu and I angered Mayuri." He left out the part where he'd had almost nothing to do with it and the anger was completely justified. "Care to help me regain my own body?"

"That means I get Ken-chan back yeah?" she asked.

"Hopefully," Ukitake replied. She beamed and hugged him with her tiny arms.

X

Byakuya woke up nausea inducingly bad migraine. Strange, usually that only happened after a council of elders. He turned to enter the bathroom and find a pain-killer but found the wall blank. A shot of fear ran through him. He drew his Zanpakuto and spun ready for whatever threat might present itself. He watched, sword in the guard position and waited until he was certain that he was alone. At any rate if someone or something wanted him dead they wouldn't have left him with Senbonzakura.

Wait actually...fear filled him for the first time in years as he registered that Senbonzakura wasn't Senbonzakura.

X

Kyoraku woke up and smiled happily, today was a good day. He rolled from bed still smiling as he dressed slowly easing into the day. A knock sounded at the door.

"Enter," he called wondering who could possibly want him this early in the day. Surely...

"Um the meeting of elders started ten minutes ago Byakuya-sama. I was ordered to..."

Kyoraku ignored him, looking around the room. He bolted for the bathroom and saw the stoic noble's visage staring back from mirror. Fuck. He hadn't expected Mayuri to take revenge so quickly. Apparently he had underestimated the mad scientist, badly. On the brightside he'd been expecting far worse pay back.

In his defense he hadn't actually meant for things to go that far, but he refused to feel guilty. That bastard's experimental 'stimulant' had killed several of his new recruits and the man's only response had been curiosity as to why it was only the newest members. No, he'd deserved that and more.

X

Zaraki sighed as he stalked through the dusty Seireitei streets, the debris choked him and he coughed, gasping for breath. First he would find Yachiru and convince her he was him. Then he was going stick his sword in the necks of some scrawny twelfth squad bitches until they found a way to get him out of this rusted, broken down thing and back to his own body.