I have many to thank for this story. It was a hard journey, but well worth it in the end. Many thanks to Mary who did the final edit and read it in parts to persuade me to continue. To my sister who gave me a reason why Emily Williams was in the hospital and to Susan G and Denise G for helping me put the story into perspective and keeping it there. And thanks to the Patagonian Welsh for their fascinating story.
Adopted?
It was something she would have never thought of. She had never had the secret hope that she actually belonged to a princess in a far off land, or had felt that dread that her friend Janie had felt when she was sure she had been adopted. She hadn't been. But, she, Carolyn was.
Adopted?
But she had seen the pictures. They were all over her parents house, the den, the living room, in her father's study. Pictures of her and Brad and Emily, even one of them bringing her home. She was wrapped in the white flannel blanket covered with little pink bunny rabbits that was carefully preserved in her parent's attic. Proof that they had brought her home. She had always assumed it was from the hospital.
Carolyn let the document fall from her hand, too unsure of her emotions to either be angry or cry. Adopted? Then she wasn't really Carolyn Williams? And if that's not who she was, then who was she? And why had she had to be adopted?
The phone rang and she answered it with an unsteady hand. "Hello?" She wondered if the words actually came out of her mouth.
"Lynnie." It was her father's voice. Her father, her very own father, but not her father.
"Lynnie, it's dad. How are you?"
"Why, dad?" She had to ask. "I have your eyes and mom's nose and I can play pool, like just like you." She was very confused. "Of course that would explain my cooking ability." Her sense of humor came back for a moment.
"Honey, we didn't want you to find out this way. They weren't supposed to send the documents to you, Mama and I were going to come this weekend and talk to you about all of this. We would never spring such news on you through the mail."
"I would love to have you both here for the weekend." Her day brightened at the thought of seeing her parents. Parents? Who were her parents? "I'll pick you up at the airport. Saturday?"
"Yes, Lynnie, around noon. We thought we would stay over the holiday."
"Holiday?" She was trying to remember what it could be.
"Father's Day."
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Captain Gregg materialized in the master bedroom, anxious to see who had been on the phone. Candy and Jonathan were on a school trip to the state capital and had promised to call as soon as they arrived at the hotel.
'Was that the children? Did they make the journey smoothly?" He was glad for their opportunity to go, but wouldn't really feel right until they were back on his ship.
"No, it wasn't the children," she answered. She bent and picked up the letter and handed it to him. "It was my father."
The seaman read the letter once and then once again, looking up at her as though he didn't quite understand. "You were adopted?"
She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned against the desk.
"Perhaps it's a mistake?" But she knew from the way he said it, it was only for her benefit. He knew what it said the same as she did.
"No, it's not a mistake. That was my father on the phone. He wanted to apologize for the letter arriving before he and my mother did. I was adopted."
Together they went over to the small couch, settling down in their usual places, his arms laying protectively over the back.
"I'm willing to accept it," she told him. "I would just like to know: why?"
"Well, in my day, adoption was not uncommon, although it wasn't referred to as that per se. Many women died in childbirth, and the husbands didn't know how to take care of the child or they were unable to. My favorite mate growing up, Andrew Feeney, was raised by a couple who took him in after his mother died. "And I remember seeing posters for what they called the orphan train children."
"That sounds sad," Her eyes clearly telling him, that she was being diverted at least for the time being.
"Homeless children from cities like New York and Philadelphia were given the chance of a family by sending them out west. From what I understand, many were used for near slave labour, but many more were given warm, loving families."
"I'm sure whoever my parents were, they had a very good reason for what they did," she reflected. Leaning against the back of the couch, knowing he was near, was enough for her.
"It was a bad time for workers then, was it not?" he asked.
"Yes, it was," she nodded. "The Depression did much more than affect rich man's bank accounts. It tore families apart, in some cases. My father was quite lucky that he came out unscathed."
"Perhaps the family that gave birth to you, was not so lucky," he suggested.
"Perhaps not," she agreed, not sure what else to say, and wishing for the thousandth time that she could enjoy the comfort of feeling safe in his arms — something she knew at one time had existed, just not for her.
Carolyn met her parents at the airport the following Saturday. They both greeted her with hugs and kisses and everything was exactly as it had always been.
She wanted to ask them the story of her adoption right then, but she knew that wouldn't be fair. As nervous as she was about this, she was sure her parents must be even more so. It would scare her to death to think her children would ever reject her and she was sure that her parents must be having similar thoughts. Adoption was quite a secret to keep for 37 years, but as Daniel had pointed out just last night, there might not have been any other option.
On the hour drive from Bangor to Gull Cottage, she caught her mother and father up on what the kids were up to — Candy was taking piano lessons and doing very well. Jonathan hadn't developed any special interests as yet apart from his model ships, but he was doing well in school and had grown three inches in the last month.
Upon their arrival at the house, Candy and Jonathan came running out to meet them, everyone hugging and talking excitedly. Martha came out to join the group and the greetings started all over again.
Captain Gregg came up behind Carolyn as she watched the scene in front of her. "I am happy to see your parents again," he remarked as she leaned his head close to hers.
"I wish they could really meet you," she crossed her arms in front of her. It was an old wish but still said with the same intensity as the first time.
"I would like that very much as well. That was always his answer, but he meant it, just as much every time.
Everyone headed into the house, Martha announcing that dinner was almost ready. "If you would like to get settled in your room, Mr. and Mrs. Williams, and wash up, dinner will be on the table by the time you make it down."
Carolyn was quiet during dinner, finding she wasn't really hungry, at least not for food. She was so happy her parents were here and that she would actually have the privilege of spending Father's Day with her own father. Perhaps her second biggest wish in the last few years had been the fact that her children could have known their father. Bobby Muir had been such a kind and loving man who had welcomed the birth of his children with more excitement than she had ever known any man to have. It had taken her over two years to get pregnant, they had thought they would never have children. Maybe that was what had caused HER parents to adopt her? But why did she have to be adopted?
But then of course she knew from hearing a conversation that she overheard as a child, that her parents couldn't have children. She had always assumed it was any more children. Maybe not.
The evening went by on a happy note, Brad insisting on tucking the kids in bed and staying with them to play a game and then tell them a story. Emily and Carolyn helped Martha with the dishes before the housekeeper shooed them away to go in and put their feet up.
Carolyn took her chair by the fireplace which even tonight had a small fire, that helped to take the chill out of the sea air. She picked up her mending, but knew she wouldn't work on it at all tonight. It would merely be a diversion to give her hands something to do.
"Don't be nervous, my dear." Daniel Gregg's hand was resting beside hers on the arm of the chair. "You know there was a good reason for it, you must remember that. And I will be here if you wish."
"I wouldn't want it any other way," she assured him.
"What did you say, darling?" Emily looked over at her.
"I was asking how was your day?" she ad-libbed.
"Well, you know your father hates to fly, and I tell him over and over we can drive, but he says he's not as young as he used to be and even five hours is too hard on his sciatica."
"Oh, he's not that old!" Carolyn shook her head, but couldn't help but laugh. Her father had teased her since her tenth birthday that he was just waiting for the day he could stop work and she could take care of him. Her father. She looked over the silent sea captain who was still sitting beside her, his hand still resting next to hers and she gave him a smile.
"It's all right, my dear," he said softly, letting his hand fall over hers, even if she couldn't feel it. Just knowing it was there made all the difference.
When Brad came into the room, she wanted to run over to him and hold him tight, but she just returned his smile and laughed over the story he told about how Jonathan tried to get to stay up another half an hour.
A silence fell over the room and everyone seemed to be a little awkward for a long moment. Finally Brad cleared his throat as he reached for his wife's hand, and looked over at his daughter with eyes of love.
"Lynnie. I'm very sorry. We always meant to tell you, but it was never the right time. You were always too young, or too busy growing up, and well the time just was never right. We didn't realize how fast time was going by and before we knew it you were in college and then you were married with children of your own and lo and behold you were 37 and we hadn't told you. But it wasn't because we were trying to hide it, we just didn't think of it. I hope you can forgive us. From the minute we saw you, we thought of you as ours."
"We probably wouldn't have thought of it now, except that your natural father contacted us through Daddy's lawyer and said he was making out his will and wanted to give you what was rightfully yours. You are his only child and he wants to know that you know of his existence. I guess we can't blame him, but it was a crushing reminder to us, that you were his first."
"I'm not angry with you, just let me say that first. And I think that perhaps I was better off not knowing, but now that I do, would you tell me how I became yours?"
"Of course." Brad Williams nodded and her mother gave her a smile. "Well, you know that Mama was a nurse before we were married."
"Right. That's how the two of you met — when she was your nurse when you had your appendix out." Carolyn told the story she had heard a thousand times.
"Exactly," her father agreed, and gave her another shaky smile. Emily kept working at the hospital after we were married. My father thought she should quit, but we talked it over and I told her that she had put a lot of schooling into it, and she should work as long as she wanted to. And of course your grandmother said she'd retract the wedding vows if I didn't allow Emmy to do what she wanted to."
"Well, yeah, that's Lily for you." Carolyn shook her head. Her maternal grandmother was a most unusual person.
"So, I was working in the hospital in November of 1936, and the week before Thanksgiving, one of the head maternity nurses was taken ill and they replaced her with one of the floor nurses. Which meant they needed another floor nurse, and my supervisor volunteered me. She said I could use the experience, and to tell the truth I thought it would be a nice change from surgery."
"They put her to work in the nursery on her first day and I remember waiting to pick her up from work and seeing her holding two babies in her arms while she tried to quiet another one in a crib near by."
"He teased me about us having triplets for the longest time, after that," Emily smiled. "But seriously the babies were so sweet, and it was hard to see them go, even though it was quite a bit of fun to give them to their parents. And I loved watching the fathers come down and boast about their child through the windows.
"But I had been working there for a week, and I was scheduled to work Thanksgiving. The supervisor said since I worked it without complaint that she had arranged for me to have the weekend off. So I left early Friday morning and didn't have to be back until Monday. They brought in two more babies as I was leaving, but I never gave it another thought."
She took a break from her narrative when Martha came in with coffee and cake and everyone thanked the housekeeper.
"This cake is worth making that plane trip for." Brad praised Martha as he took a big bite. "No one makes devil's food, like you do, Martha. Or anything else for that matter."
Carolyn sat watching Daniel stare at her cake, which she knew was his favorite and she nudged his chair and whispered: "Go, and get some. I'll be fine." He dematerialized away from her presence and she touched the seat of the chair where he had been sitting. How could it be warm when he was, well, not alive? Mysteries of life.
Emily finished her coffee and poured another cup before settling back down into her story. "I came into work on Monday and saw the two babies that had been born that Friday. One was a boy with the darkest black hair I had ever seen, and the other was a girl with a blond fuzz. And both of them were very good and so sweet. And as usual, it wasn't long before people began queuing up at the window, especially to see the new little boy. We brought him out for his father who boasted that his boy was the biggest baby in the nursery, but no one came to see the little girl. I mean people would stop and say how pretty she was, but no one ever came to just see her."
"Emily came home everyday and told me about the joys and frustrations of working on the maternity ward, but I could tell she was worried about the baby girl that no one ever came to see. When I dropped her off at work one day because her car was in the shop, I went up to see the baby, and she was a true beauty. Ruth, one of the other nurses, said she was the best baby she could remember having in the nursery in years."
"It was me." Carolyn stated, and both her parents shook their heads.
"It was you. And you were very good but also very sad. Whenever anyone would pick you up, you seemed to light up. I mean I know they say babies don't have emotions like that, but you did. I swear it. I would take every chance I had to pick you up and hold you and you loved being rocked at night. I came into work one day and I heard them talking about you. Ruth was saying that since no relative had come to claim you they would keep another week, and then they would have no choice but to send you to St. Cecilia's."
"The orphanage." Carolyn provided for her parents. Every year on her birthday she had purchased a toy with her own money to give to some poor child at St. Cecilia's. She had prayed that they would all find families and have a wonderful Mommy and Daddy like she had. She shivered at the irony of it all.
"So you know me, curious to a fault," Emily smiled. "I asked Ruth what your story was. She said that your mother had been brought in by her employer, they hadn't realized that she was pregnant, until she had gone into labor, that her name was Megan Thompson and she was newly arrived in the country about six months back. She had gotten a position in a home for a prominent businessman whose wife preferred Irish domestics."
"When it was pointed out to her that Megan was technically Welsh, well I guess it didn't make too much of a difference. But anyway, she was brought in, and had a very hard labor, and died just a few hours after you were born. She was only nineteen, and small, and still recovering, really, from her journey here. When the hospital questioned the family she worked for, they said all they knew was the Megan had claimed that she was married to a Swede by the name of Henijesen and that he was temporarily detained."
Carolyn was lost in a sea of emotion, not sure if she should or could say anything. She looked up in the doorway to see Daniel standing there, his eyes on her in a look that seemed to be holding her, keeping her upright and steady. She gave him a brief smile and then turned back to her parents.
"We talked about it half the night," her father told her. "We wanted children, but hadn't thought of having one just then. We had only been married eight months, and weren't concerned about starting a family yet. But you had touched our hearts, and we knew we could provide you with an adequate place to live, giving you warm clothes and food and plenty of love. So first we talked to the doctor who delivered you — Dr. Meade."
"Dr. Jim?" Carolyn asked, even though she knew who that's who it was. He had taken care of her in all her growing up years and she had loved him. She had assumed that if she couldn't marry her father, well then she could marry Dr. Jim.
"He assured us that you were healthy and normal, although we didn't actually care about that. We had decided that we wanted you, and that's all there was to it. But that is how we came about knowing Jim Meade, who as you know, is a fine, fine man."
"And then we talked to our lawyer about the legalities of it all," her father added.
"Uncle Mitch?" Carolyn asked. "Of course," she answered her own question. Mitchell Fields had been the Williams' attorney for as long as she could remember and when he had died last year, she had flown home to Philadelphia for his funeral. The only thing worse she could imagine was losing her mother or father at this point.
Carolyn nodded, thinking of all of these people who had known a secret about her, that she hadn't. And yet she couldn't be angry with them. These were people that she loved.
"He made a few calls for us to the agency your mother had signed with upon her arrival, and to the family she worked for, and he assured us there were no known relatives."
"But you said, my father . . ." Carolyn began, a little confused.
"Mitch couldn't find him. He looked through your mother's records and checked the passenger list of the ship she came on, but to no avail. It wasn't until just a short while ago, we discovered that the reason your father couldn't be found was because they had changed his name when he went through Ellis Island to Henderson."
"Megan's employers also assumed that she was from Europe, because she was Welsh, but she wasn't, she was from Canada. Her family had settled in Saskatchewan by way of Argentina several decades before all of this happened. Once we found that out, it made a bit of a difference in how to track down your father. Everyone had assumed they had met on board ship."
"But she was coming down north from Canada, and he was sailing over from Sweden, that wouldn't have been the case." Carolyn understood. "Do we know how they met?"
"No, we don't. But the fact was that at some point they did marry and, they did seem to love one another very much from what we read in her journal. We were given her things after you became ours and we have them in the attic. I did check before we arrived here and they are still there, exactly where I put them 37 years ago," her mother said, almost wistfully.
"Mom, we don't have to talk about this any more." Carolyn suddenly noticed how old both of her parents had gotten in the last hour or so. "I understand everything now, let's just let it drop." She could feel Daniel Gregg's eyes staring at her, his mind almost seeming to scream to hers that he knew she didn't quite understand it all, but she was willing to let it go. Materializing back into the chair, his hand brushed her hair and she felt the sensation if not the actual caress.
Knowing was enough, maybe more than enough. Reaching out her hand in the direction of what her parents saw as an empty chair, she made contact with his jacket and rested her finger there. She could feel the wool make up of his clothes, but not him. Another thing to not understand, but so vastly different.
"No, we want you to know the story, Lynnie," her father said tenderly. "We do owe you that much."
She nodded and found that she was holding back tears. "All right. I would like to hear more."
"So, everything seemed clear and Mitch said he could arrange it for us. Your mother and Lily picked out a little dress for you to wear home, and then, because it was very cold, a snowsuit and finally the pink blanket, that you've seen. I don't think there was a more proud man, than me when your mother and I went and took you out of that nursery bed for the last time."
"Ruth handed us your papers, which instead of having your birth name, now stated Williams, Carolyn. Girl, November 28, 1936, and we walked out like we had just been given the best thing of all, because we had been. We took you home, Uncle Martin and Aunt Alice were there, along with Hazel and Harriet, who squealed over you like you were a doll and after a while others stopped by and you got passed around. You were a very good baby, and didn't cry for the longest time and then finally you couldn't stand it any more and you let out a wail so pitiful and long, it made Mama jump."
She had heard this part of the story before, but hearing it this context, made it more poignant. "And that was really all there was to it. You were ours from then on. But we did often wonder about your father, especially when you were still a baby. I know I used to feel a bit guilty that I had this wonderful creature to raise and love and he was missing out on his time with you. But like we said before, things like that are easy to push to the back of your mind, even though they aren't completely forgotten."
"How do you think he found me after all this time?" she had to know.
We received a letter from him a short while ago. He said, he hadn't pursued you in all these years because he didn't want you to be confused. But he had found out that his Megan had given birth at Presbyterian hospital in Philadelphia, and he wanted you to have what he felt belonged to you."
Brad reached into his pocket and pulled out a crinkled envelope that looked like it had been opened many times. Carolyn got up from her chair and took it from her father's grasp, letting her fingers linger against his for a moment.
Getting settled back in her chair, she took the envelope and unfolded it, waiting a few moments before opening it. The letter was written on office stationary emblazoned with the stamp of Henderson and Steinberg Associates New York, New York.
Reading each word carefully and deliberately, she found out that his name was Johann Henijesen (Henderson) and that he had not known that his wife was with child when she went on to Philadelphia while he was detained by immigration in New York.
Arriving in Philadelphia, months after Megan, he found from the agency that she had died, and with a broken heart he went in search of her grave. It was during a conversation with one of the other maids that he found out he was a father.
Taking this bit of information, he charmed one of the nurses into telling him what he wanted to know, and found to his satisfaction that his daughter was well taken care of by a family that loved her.
But now he was trying to get his affairs in order and wanted his child to have what had had worked hard to attain. And so he had written to the Williams's asking for their permission to let their daughter know that she was his daughter as well. His address and phone number were on the bottom of the letter, but there wasn't any indication that he expected her to call.
Folding the letter closed, she placed it on her lap and looked over at her parents. "Thank-you for sharing this with me," she told them. "I know it must have been so hard for you."
Walking over to them, she sat down between her mother and father and kissed each one, the family giving each other a hug. Captain Gregg dematerialized from the room, leaving them to their privacy.
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It was a warm night and Carolyn took advantage of the weather, going out on the balcony to stand with her arms around the ship's wheel, leaning against it's solid form. Her parents had gone to bed long ago, but she had found sleep eluding her, and so she was out, watching the stars, listening to the sound of the ocean in the distance.
"Everything is secure." Daniel appeared at her side, lying his hand next to hers. "It's getting late and you've had a long day," he hinted.
"Thank you for your concern, sir," she looked up at him with shining eyes. "But I can't sleep. I thought the night air might help."
"I'd dare say, you have too much on your mind."
"I'm still not sure what to think," she told him. "But you know, it doesn't change who I am. I am still Carolyn Muir and my parents are still Bradford and Emily Williams, and that is how it always will be." She looked over at him and smiled and he returned it.
"When I was little, I over heard my mother and grandmother talking, and I remember my mother saying that she had found out she couldn't have children. When I was talking to her tonight, she told me that they had decided to give me a playmate when I was five and then discovered that they couldn't have children of their own. So, then I was an extra blessing."
He wasn't sure what to say, so he didn't, but he encouraged her to talk if she wanted, which she did. "I always wondered why my mother never told those stories about her pregnancy and, and my birth and what kind of morning sickness she had. I guess I always figured that she felt sorry for me, hearing it from everyone else. Now I know."
"So." He began once more, but knew after four years of being one another's constant companion he didn't have to say the words out loud.
"Yes," she nodded. "I think I will."
Placing his arms on either side of her, he leaned as close to her as he could, the material of his sweater touching the back of her robe, and even though she couldn't feel him, she knew that he was there.