TITLE: The Master Plan, Chapter Five: Paying a Visit to a Terrifying, Bloodthirsty Monster. But Not Snape. This Time.
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: HP/SS
DISCLAIMER: Belongs to J.K. Rowling, etc.
BETAS: Echotheinsane, Gemsbok, and the ubiquitous ShadowPhoenix! (So its uber-beta'd, really. I didn't take all of their suggestions, though. Author's prerogative.)
NOTES: Ah, there isn't any actual Snarry in this chapter, but it's still good, and useful in other ways. Besides, I think that Lupin is one sexy werewolf. Gotta have a bit of Remus somewhere. salutes EVERYONE on their knees!
SUMMARY: After Harry's fifth year, he decides needs someone to train him to survive the ongoing war against Voldemort. Severus Snape isn't hopeful he'll survive the war; all he's looking to do is save Potter once and for all—from his own stupidity, if nothing else. What he finds is redemption. And they both find a little laughter and hope along the way. Harry takes his confusion to someone more knowledgeable.
Chapter Five: Paying a Visit to a Terrifying, Bloodthirsty Monster. But Not Snape. This Time.
Lupin looked very surprised when he opened his door. "Harry?" He stepped back, blinking sleepily, and Harry took it as an invitation to enter his chambers, biting his lip as he looked back at his former professor. "Well…I must say, this is unexpected." The werewolf ran a hand through his graying hair, looking distracted. He blinked intelligent amber eyes at the boy, as if this would somehow change what he saw; most of a messy-haired youth, eyes shining with good humor and mischief, standing barefoot in front of him in red pajamas, an invisibility cloak still half wrapped around his shoulders.
lj-cut Harry tried to look contrite, but the cloak and dagger venture through the castle was still too much with him, and he was unable to stop the wide, sparkling smile that spread across his face. "Erm. Hi," he said, ducking his head a little. "Yeah, I would have written ahead, but I thought I'd be trapped with the World's Most Misanthropic Potions Professor for most of the night, and I never expected a chance to stop by." He shrugged and gave another winning smile.
Lupin seemed startled by this, and a series of emotions fought for control of his face. First, he seemed confused; this was understandable, his own mussed hair spoke of actually having lain on it and slept, and Harry once again felt a jolt of guilt, to be waking him from a sleep he so badly needed. Next, he seemed suspicious, Harry thought, perhaps as though he was wondering why Harry was wandering around the school so late at night, but he also might just have been concerned; Harry had hardly spoken to him for months, and had never sought him out during this time for any reason. Then he seemed mild, but mild in that way that Harry rather suspected meant he was actually upset about something, and was covering up really well.
"Ah. Yes. I'd…heard something about that. Are you quite all right? Severus didn't…physically hurt you, did he? Or something of that nature? Harry, if you need me to intervene, I'll—"
"No! No, it's nothing like that, Prof—er. Lu—um. Re, Remus," he finally managed to stutter out, feeling the unfamiliar word against his tongue. Why was it so difficult to call his former professor by name, even after he'd asked Harry to do so? It was as though the word was more than a transient label, but a permanent fixture in the man's personality. What would it be like to call Snape by his first name? Harry wondered. Impossible to imagine. Like calling Draco Malfoy 'Baby cakes.' The mind recoiled. "Um. No, it wasn't anything like that at all." He stared at the older man, taking in the lines on his face, the tiredness that never seemed to get wiped away, and the worried, hesitant features, as he stood hovering, always reluctant to reach out and give anyone the most casual touch. And above all, the aura Lupin had, which Harry had always been drawn to. It was a mixture of sadness, gentleness and regret, as well as comfort, competency and keen intelligence.
"Did you…did you want to talk to me?" Lupin asked him gently, eyebrows raised. He was worrying his lower lip and Harry noticed that his hands, which he normally had such control over, were twining and untwining themselves. There was a certain pain in the man's voice, but Harry thought he detected a hint of hope as well.
They all must have been really about me, he thought. And he looks as though he's nervous about me turning around, losing it, and screaming at him. Harry coughed, looking away for a long moment. "Uh. Could—could we sit down a moment?" he finally ventured softly.
Lupin jumped at that. "Of course, Harry! Here, we'll just, in—in the other room, here," he led Harry to a ratty couch and a couple of overstuffed armchairs. Harry was sure he could have found something better at Hogwarts; he wondered if even the furniture might be attuned to its occupant's moods and accommodate them accordingly. They were almost as tired and worn out as the occupant.
Harry sat across from the man, and avoided his gaze for a long time, trying to put his thoughts in order. There was one that begged to be said first, but he wasn't sure how to approach it, or even if he should. It would take a far different bravery than he was used to. It would, in fact, require thought, and perhaps that made Snape right about him again; maybe he did brave things because they were stupid things, and they were just a way to avoid thinking about them. Finally, Harry gave a sigh. Lupin looked apprehensive, but stayed silent. Harry was grateful; the man hadn't pushed or pressured him, he just waited patiently for Harry to find the words.
"Will you promise me something?" Harry asked abruptly. His green eyes held a layer of anxiety.
Lupin seemed to consider this gravely, before giving a slight nod. "If I can, Harry. You do realize, you may be asking me for something I don't have any power over, or cannot give." His eyes were filled with concern and sadness.
"Nope. I think you could promise it, if you really wanted to. I mean, if you meant it, and kept it in mind and were careful, and all."
Lupin blinked. "All right," he said slowly. "What is it, Harry?"
Harry bit his lip. "Promise you won't laugh at me tonight. I mean, laughing with me is okay, but not like…please don't look at me like I'm a kid. I would just…just really like it, if you heard me out and took me seriously, and kind of…considered what I had to say. Like, give weight to it, like my thoughts and feelings matter as much as anyone's. Just treat me like you know that I mean it, and have a right to say it, that's all," he finished lamely. He hunched his shoulders, hands clasped tightly in his lap. He had no right to ask, and he knew it, but Lupin usually treated him that way all the time anyway. It was just that now he was asking for the chance to earn it.
Lupin obviously didn't understand what Harry was getting at, but he could tell it was very important. He had to handle the whole situation delicately; he never knew what kind of mood Harry would fly into these days, and he'd give anything to hang onto this delicate peace between them. Very earnestly, he nodded and said, "Of course, Harry. Whatever you have to say, you should do so knowing that I respect you, and any conversation we have will be founded on that respect."
It was such a sincere, corny, Lupin type of thing to say, and Harry gave him a grin. Lupin felt himself relax. He'd apparently passed the test, if there'd been one. He tried to give Harry an encouraging smile. "And don't argue with me," Harry added abruptly, and Lupin stopped smiling.
"I'll try," he frowned.
Harry took a deep breath and looked determined, and Lupin reflected that he'd never seen Harry look so much like his father. The boy let a long breath out. "Remus, I'm sorry," he informed the man. "I know I've done and said a lot of things this year; a lot of awful, rotten, hateful, unforgivable things. Now wait—" he raised a hand, preventing Lupin from interrupting, and the werewolf closed his mouth again. "I know what you'd probably say; something about stress and grief and how we all deal with it in our own way, and how I've already been through so much, and no one should have gone through what I've been through at my age. Trust me, I know all kind of that stuff by heart.
"And maybe I could use those excuses, when I'm talking to Ron or Hermione. Or with Dumbledore, or Tonks, or just about anyone else, for that matter. But nothing gives me the right to use that on you. Because you went through everything I did when Sirius died; more, I've no doubt, because you'd been friends longer and the whole thing was—well…you know; how you thought he was the one who betrayed my parents, and how he'd switched Secret Keepers because he thought you were. And…you haven't had it easy, even outside of that. I've heard you talk about how when you were younger; you had no friends because you were a werewolf, and how painful your transformations are, and how scared you are that you'd get someone killed. Kill someone, whatever. The point is; you were there and you've done that, and watched him die, same as I did…and you were just as caring and decent to me—and everyone else—as you always are. And I wasn't. And I, I really appreciate your patience with me. I know I've put you through hell, and I know how hard it probably was to try to be nice all the time—ungrateful brat that I am, you should have just smacked me, you know; it probably would have shocked me into shutting up, or talking, whichever I wasn't doing at the time. Or asked Snape to do it; he would have been happy to oblige."
"If he ever raised a hand to you I'll rip his arms off and beat him to death with his own fists," Remus replied tightly, his posture tense. Harry gaped at him. "I know I'm not around much, anymore—I'm only at Hogwarts when I have Order business here, but I hope you'd tell me if something like that ever happened. He didn't hit you, did he Harry?" the man continued anxiously. When Harry shook his head emphatically, Remus relaxed and looked a little embarrassed.
"Um. No, never," Harry continued. "Anyway. And you offered comfort as well as you could; considering there was none to be had for you.
"And if you. If you ever—want—to talk, about Sirius, about what happened. If you need somebody to lean on or even somebody to yell at…I mean; I know how you feel. And you're not the last one left, Remus. You don't—you aren't alone. And I'm not afraid of you, and yes, I do understand the risks and all, and I'll never be stupid about the werewolf thing. I just. I know you miss Sirius, and I know you're probably hurting more a lot too, and I also know perfectly well that it's none of my business and all that, but it's offered, anyway. An ear. If you want it. Or a shoulder, take your pick. An arm or a leg, if that's what it takes. And I really hope, just this once, that you can take this for how it's meant; you don't have to take me up on any of it, but I'd appreciate being treated like an adult for the next few minutes, even though I know I haven't earned it. And I would really like it a lot if you'd consider me your friend, and accept my apology. Er. And forgive me. Even though I really don't deserve it."
Harry looked bashfully at Remus and offered his hand, being just as adult as he could think to be. Remus, whose eyes were suspiciously bright, reached out and took it, and pulled Harry into a bear hug. Or a wolf hug, as the case may be. In any case, it rather crushed Harry's ribs a bit, and the muffled noises Remus was making were a bit embarrassing, but Harry figured, you had to embarrass yourself occasionally, if you wanted to be a man about it.
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Remus beamed at Harry over his cup of tea. "You know, I used to think you were just like your father, in so many ways. But now I've realized that you're likeSirius too, and even, perhaps, in small ways like me as well." His lips curled upward. "Like all of us," he said brightly. "You always reminded me of Sirius, actually, as much as James. Well, yes…looks. But what are looks, really? I always thought of you as something out of the same mold as Sirius; you've always had that predilection for drama, and you're just as protective of your friends. Sirius was like that, too. Always over the top, always having to rush headlong into anything if someone had only dared him to. Blowing up the potions lab—that was a thing Sirius would have done." At this, Harry sat a little straighter and grinned. So he'd been right! But then he leaned forward, eager to hear more of Lupin's reminiscences. He so rarely offered any, and Harry was eager for every little detail. He watched as the werewolf's face softened in recollection. "But you are like James, too. Mostly in looks, but in other ways. The way you tend to do the right thing, even when it takes a great deal of bravery. I certainly never had that trait. And that strength, that strength that I think Sirius and Peter and I all took for granted back in school; something we hadn't even noticed until it wasn't ours to depend on anymore. He stopped, sipping his tea and staring into space.
"I'm not as smart as you are, though," Harry interjected, wondering how Lupin felt they were alike. "And I don't stay calm and think things through the way you do. And I don't always know just the right thing to say, when someone's upset, and I don't have that self-control that you do. And I'm not able to be nice to people who are being rude to me or my friends. And I'm not mature and responsible, either," he pointed out.
Lupin had a small smile through all this, and raised a brow slightly at the last assertion. "You don't think so? What you said tonight required a great deal of maturity, and I rather think you put some thought and effort into it as well. I also think I could point out any number of situations that you dealt with calmly, despite the pressure you were under at the time. Don't sell yourself short, Harry. And as for not knowing just the right thing to say when someone is upset, I'd have to point out once again that you did admirably this evening. And I hardly think that's a skill I have in spades; I didn't say one single thing since the Department of Mysteries that's done you any good at all. I was at a complete loss, and I felt it. And since I couldn't think of anything comforting to say to you, I too often fell back on not saying anything at all. I'm afraid I handled the whole thing rather badly."
"That's not true at all," Harry protested hoarsely. "You said and did everything right. And when you didn't say anything; that was probably the most comforting thing of all. Like you knew you couldn't just say a few magic words and make it better, but you could hang out with me and spend the time he couldn't have spent. And you manage to be polite to Snape. I mean, if that doesn't mean you're a born diplomat, I don't know what would."
Lupin chuckled a little at this. "I've seen you be tactful, as well. And I have heard, through reliable sources, that you're quite patient when giving instruction."
Harry slowly smiled at that. "Yeah, I have been told I'm a pretty good teacher. And in Defense, too. 'Cause I know it's all about practical experience coupled with encouragement, and knowing how to adjust your lessons to the people you're trying to teach. I guess I can see where I picked that up." He gave Lupin a sly glance over his teacup, and was amused to see the pink-cheeked werewolf looked a little sheepish, but pleased.
"Well," he cleared his throat, "I'm glad I can say I've not been a completely useless old crank," he said, eyes sparkling. He sighed and leaned back in his seat, and they were both contentedly at ease for a few moments. "Harry?" Lupin finally queried.
"Mmm?"
"Is this why you came to visit me tonight? To…to apologize, and perhaps talk about things like Sirius, and that sort of thing?" His amber eyes were piercing, and there was just a hint of doubt in his voice.
"Well…no, not completely," Harry admitted. "I kind of had something that I wanted to talk with you about. Something kind of crazy, I guess." He looked up to see Remus giving him a complacent smile, shrewd eyes dancing. "Hey…you knew, didn't you?" Harry exclaimed. "I would have thought all this…sappy emotional 'bonding' would be kind of enough."
"It was cathartic, actually," Remus told him, and then gave him an enigmatic smile. "I did know it wasn't just to apologize, and that it was something important," he replied.
Harry mumbled, "It's not really a big deal. I wouldn't call it all that important, or anything. Actually, I would have to say it's not at all important." He gave a breezy wave of his hand, but didn't look Remus in the eye.
"Ah. Really? It's not all that important, but just important enough to leave you sleepless, get you out of bed at two in the morning, and have you giving your former Defense professor the most eloquent apology you could conceive, in the hope that he might be able to give you some insight or instruction into the not-at-all important matter…hmm?" Remus had a gleam in his eyes, and for a moment Harry could see the wolf in him, not a werewolf, exactly, just a regular wolf, which after, all are much more intelligent than dogs, in a wild, natural sort of way. Just for a moment, Harry had an impression of those amber eyes, flashing out at him, lupine smile on his face, and just the suggestion of the tip of a silver tail wagging somewhere in the background. Harry shook his head a bit, and the vision was gone.
"Something wrong, Harry?" Remus asked him.
"Hmm? Oh, no. Nothing. And…I guess I only thought it was important. I shouldn't have woken you up with it, though."
"Do you still want to talk about it?"
"Well, kind of." He looked anxiously at Remus, wondering if he should just let the poor man get back to sleep. Remus gave an encouraging nod, though, so Harry felt he might as well get at least some of it off his chest. "Erm. Remus, what would you do if you, kind of like…wanted to be friends with someone, someone your friends probably wouldn't like? Someone who maybe doesn't like you, or maybe they do? And you can't tell the difference, because you don't really know them, but you're not sure if you should even try to get to know them, because your friends might be upset and not want you to be friends with them?" He wondered how complicated this sounded to Remus, and whether he could express it more simply without giving the wrong impression. Or the right impression, which would be even worse.
"Hmm…" Remus replied, looking thoughtful. "That sounds rather how I felt about Severus Snape, when we were back at school." He took a sip of his tea, closing his eyes and missing the look on Harry's face, which rather gave the impression that he was choking on his own tongue. He tried to get some composure before Remus looked up. "I didn't really dislike him, you see, the way Sirius and James did. And he was very smart, and could be quite amusing, in a poisoned-tongue sort of way. He wasn't absolutely horrible to me, either, at least not until after the incident with the Shrieking Shack. In the earlier years, I would have rather liked to call him a friend, but I was never able to stand up to your father and Sirius about it. I'm afraid I was just too dependent on their friendship to risk really challenging them about it. But I did try to be nice, although I'm certain he didn't appreciate it. But why should he have done, really?" Lupin sighed. "Considering I wasn't much of a friend, the way I let James and Sirius…well. You know. But he did fight back, occasionally. And sometimes, he even got a bit of his own back. Like that time Sirius caught him with a Hue Changing Charm—Squerpulus Evanescium—I think it was, and he turned a shade of glow-in-the-dark purple for almost a month…then he turned around and slipped Sirius and the rest of us an Unmitigated Adulation potion, which is every bit as bad a love potion, and James and Sirius followed him around for two weeks, proclaiming him the next Messiah, and…" Remus went on and on, and Harry was half trying not to hear.
"Hmph," Harry replied, both wanting and not wanting to know. He could definitely see how Snape wouldn't want people prying into this. After working so hard to be seen as someone impressive, someone intimidating, trying to forget people ever used to treat him like that, he would be upset—to use a euphemism for 'evisceratingly-angry,' to know Harry was hearing about things like this. "Didn't he have any friends?" Harry interrupted.
Remus shrugged. "Well, yes. A few. But they were all dark wizards, Death Eaters in the end, and that sort of person is hardly loyal enough to stand up to people like James and Sirius. They might have helped him plot a few vengeful tricks, but they'd never have done anything to draw attention to themselves. Rosier made the occasional snide remark, as I recall, but it was never really on Snape's behalf."
"Oh," said Harry quietly, pulling at a loose thread on his sleeve. "Girlfriends, then? The kind that wear black lipstick and too much eye-shadow and always glare at everybody?"
Remus laughed at that. "I think you'll find that that's actually rather a new look, despite the Wizarding world's progressiveness in other areas. No, I don't think Snape was ever interested in anyone. He always seemed too interested in learning. Books, curses, potions. Those were the only things he really had time for, so far as I could tell. At any rate, you came here to talk about your potential friend, not Severus Snape."
Harry ducked his head quickly when he heard that, hoping the furious heat in his face would subside quickly. He really wasn't ready to get into any of that, yet. Luckily, Lupin was still talking, seemingly oblivious to Harry's discomfort.
"But because of my experience with Snape, I think I can offer you this advice; don't mind what anybody says, and don't let anyone else decide your feelings for you. And if Hermione and Ron are good friends, and I think they are, they'll come to understand when you tell them that they don't have to like this person, but you do, and they'll have to accept it. Just stand your ground, Harry. You're good at that. And this person may not entertain your overtures of friendship, but it's certainly worth the effort of trying. Friends are very precious things, Harry. I think you and I both know now that a really good friend is never to be taken for granted." Harry nodded and they smiled sadly at each other for a long moment. "And any time you can spend with someone you like is truly priceless. Does that help at all?"
Harry returned his grin. "Yeah. You're absolutely right about everything. As usual. I don't know how anybody's going to react—not even me, really—but I'd like to try, anyway. I'll just do it carefully and take things slowly. I'm certainly not going to force my company on anyone." He wrinkled his nose, looking chagrinned. "Well, I'll try not to in the future, at any rate." So blowing up his classroom again to get detention with him is out.
Lupin laughed, thinking Harry was talking about him. "Don't worry about it, Harry. I really am awfully glad you came here tonight. I appreciate it; really, you did as much for me tonight as ever I've done for you. And remember, whenever I'm visiting Hogwarts, you should feel free to visit, any time at all. I'm not upset that you came here so late. In fact, I'd say it shows a certain trust and depth of friendship that I am really quite honoured to have offered me."
Harry waved a hand in an 'it was nothing' gesture. "Well," he said, rising to his feet, and then almost off them as he stretched in a great yawn. "I guess I'd better be heading back to bed. Good grief, I'm going to be utterly useless tomorrow." He looked at Lupin, wondering if he'd get any sort of parental lecture on the subject, but Lupin just rumbled a bit of a chuckle at him.
"Serves you right, then, for staying up until all hours and mercilessly bothering your elders." He, too, gave a bit of a yawn. "I have to leave tomorrow afternoon, you know, so if you need me before then, feel free to find me." He walked Harry to the door. "But I'll be back in a few weeks, and I'll be around on and off, I'm sure."
Harry pulled the cloak around himself, just leaving a hand free a moment to wave goodbye. He smiled as he walked away. He pictured the werewolf counting sheep, and himself counting werewolves. He was sure both he and Lupin would sleep better, now.