Okay, Part II of the exceedingly scary "GUESS WHAT?" series! It here! As usual, sorry if I, ahem, put my foot in it, as it were. No offence meant. Hope you enjoy, the plot is (as usual for me) fiercely avoided/ignored/forgotten as much as possible. Yay! This one, bewarned, is not very funny. At least I don't think so. It kinda drags...on... and...on... and... ON! One last word of advice: Beware randomness/surrealism/jellyfishness, it's here and it's not gonna leave without a fight!
Thank you my one and only reviewer! Don't worry you will probably appear soon.
-- Characters: RUSTE (male white mage), PYRO (male black mage), IZZI (male knight), SMUDGES (unknown) --
Disclaimer: I do not own FFX or my friends. I just whip them into submission.
SCHOOLGIRL: [appears] OMG that sounded SOOOOOOOO wrong! [disappears] (O.o)
--
GUESS WHAT?! Yep, we're in FFX
Chapter Two: Swords and Slaps
SETTING: Zanarkand
NARRATOR: Once again, we join our heroes-
PYRO: I thought you'd gone!
NARRATOR: Oh, FIIINE, Mr Particular! [ping]
(so, back on track)
IZZI: [stares] I can't believe we killed Tidus...[cries]
PYRO: Look! It's Auron! [points at Auron, standing by himself, looking around for someone]
IZZIE: My hero! [faints]
RUSTE: Oh, come ON!
(they run over to him)
AURON: [glares] Which one of you is Tidus?
PYRO and RUSTE: [notice Auron's big, heavy, death-dealing sword]
PYRO: Eeeeeerm... [steps casually in front of Tidus's body]
RUSTE: You see... [flicks eyeball off shoulder]
PYRO: The thing is... [licks blood off lips]
IZZIE: [conscious, sees Auron looking expectantly at everyone] Ooh! Oooh! Pick me! PICK MEEE!
AURON: ... (-.-);;;
RUSTE: Yes! That's it. HE's Tidus.
IZZI: Yes! I am your greatest f- eeeerrrrrm...
RUSTE: Come on TIDUS, time to Blitz, big time! [walks off with arm around a confused Izzi]
AURON: [shrugs] Whatever.
SQUALL: [appears from nowhere] [squeal] HEY! That's, like, MY line! You're such a TOTAL PROSTITUTE!
AURON: (O.O) [effeminate scream] [slaps with glove]
[BITCHFIIIIIIGHT!!]
RUSTE: (O.o) ...move awaaaaay...
IZZI: Hell guys, you've just ruined your images.
PYRO: [checks that Auron isn't looking] Tum tee tum... [kicks Tidus's body off convenient, if slightly surreal cliff]
--
SETTING: Outside Blitz Stadium.
PYRO: [sitting on log] Jeez. I'm bored. [kicks pebble] Now Izzi's the new Tidus. It's not fair that he's the new Tidus! How come your alter ego made IZZI the new Tidus?!
RUSTE: [pointing] Look! Over there!
PYRO: What?
RUSTE: In that rock...
(they walk over. Something is embedded in the rock.)
PYRO: Ooooh. Shiny sword.
RUSTE: Wow. Look at it. It's so...
NARRATOR: The sword was a strange, oceanic blue, with a razor-sharp edge and a petal-shaped blade.
PYRO: You're back?
NARRATOR: Yes. This bit's quite good, you see.
RUSTE: ...so... so...
NARRATOR: It glinted up at Ruste, its watery-blue steel shining temptingly up at him. But there was an evil aura to the thing, a terrible destructive power that no human could withstand. The sword was corrupt and evil. There was no way that either of our young heroes would ever... would ever...
(Pyro and Ruste are spitting on their hands with wicked grins on their faces)
NARRATOR: Hey! You! Stop that!
RUSTE: [sheepishly] But it's so... pretty...
PYRO: Couldn't we just pull it out? PWEASES?! [bambi eyes]
NARRATOR: Well... I SUPPOSE so...
(Sudden flash of lightning. Cut to the top of the Blitzball arena, where the shadow of a bespiked, beleathered and besinistered figure stands...)
SMUDGES: CHIHWAHAHAHAHAHA[hack cough]HAHA! My plan is in action... the Evil Blade is doing its Terrible Work! Soon, both Ruste and Pyro will be under my control, and then there shall be no escape from Mistress Smudges, Ruler of Chaos (and also of Fuzzy Things with Fuzzy Moustaches)!
(Ruste reaches hungrily for the blade...)
SMUDGES: Yes... theeeeeeeere we go, nice and easy... pick up the nice enslaving creation of Satan... tee hee hee...
(Ruste almost touches the hilt of the sword...)
PYRO: [has been thinking] No! Ruste! Don't touch it!!!
RUSTE: [turns around, snarling] And why not...?!
PYRO: [leans close to him] I think I smell a plot-twist coming on...
RUSTE: [screams, jumps away from sword] EEW! A PLOT-TWIST?! In one of MY alter ego's stories? [thinks hard]... isn't that a contradiction in terms?
PYRO: Ah yes, but this is a SELF-INSERTION fic. There is ALWAYS a plot twist of SOME kind in a self-insertion fic.
SMUDGES: WHAAAAT?! THIS CANNOT BE!!
RUSTE: [shudders] Oh my God... I came THAT close to TOUCHING a plot-twist... [sobs and clings to Pyro]
PYRO: Okay okay, calm down, let's get away from it...
(they leave slowly, backing away hesitantly from the sword)
SMUDGES: RAAAAUGH! So you got away THIS time, laddies, but don't get too cocky! I WILL have my revenge! BWAHAHAH!
(flash of lighting)
ZAP: ZAAAAAAAP! See! I remembered!
SMUDGES: AIIIIEUGH!
[pause, as smoking remains sit up and blink]
SMUDGES: (O.O) ... Memo to self: Do not pose on top of buildings, during thunderstorms, whilst holding onto a lightning-rod... for... support...[faints] (x . x)
PYRO: [looks up, sees shattering stadium] JESUS!!
RUSTE: 'Ruste' will suffice.
PYRO: [evil glare] Just look at the Blitz stadium!!
AURON: [appears] [has a plaster on his cheek from bitchfight] It's... It's...
BEING ATTACKED BY SIIIIIIIN!!
RUSTE: Oh Sweet Mother of a Juppie! We HAVE to get Izzi out of there before it's too late... before he's...
SMASHED TO BITS BY SIIIIIIIN!!
PYRO: Okay... stupid question, but...
WHO OR WHAT THE HELL IS SIIIIIIIN?!
[building explodes, Sin can be seen emerging from behind it in the distance...]
RUSTE: That.
DRAMATIC MUSIC: Tralala-lalalala LA! tum tee tum tee LA! Tralalalala...LA!
AURON: (-.-);;;
PYRO: Jeeesus...
RUSTE: 'RUSTE' will- OWWWW!
PYRO: Meheh. [dislodges steel chicken)
(Izzi comes running out)
IZZI: [pant pant] Hey! Auron!!
AURON: Tidus, you will need to follow me...
IZZI: Whatever, old man.
SQUALL: [Evil-Eye death glare] You...
(At this point, a convenient time-hole appears, and so we cut immediately to the Fayth scene)
(Everyone stops)
IZZI: [stops, looks around at everything] ... dude! I'm the TIME MASTER! I'm the Master of the Time! That Time aint got nuthin' on ME!
FAYTH: [appears] wooooooooo.
IZZI: Woah. Who are you then...?
FAYTH: i am hypno fayth, parent of all, father to the everlasting mattress, king of pot noodles. i know all.
IZZI: ... (o.O) Um. Righty. So, question two... what are you going to tell me?
FAYTH: you must not cry. do not cry, do not shed tears, for it makes your mascara run, you dirty little beggar.
IZZI: Yeah. Okaaaay... anything else?
FAYTH: yes i do; do. not. eat. shoelaces. for they play havoc with the digestive system. [ping]
IZZI: ...... (everything starts moving again)
RUSTE: Hey Izzi! Whazzup?
IZZI: Nuthin'. Hey, look! Over there! What do you think that thing is? [points to scaly thingy]
PYRO: [sighs] Oh dear... a random encounter...
NARRATOR: The screen shattered.
-- Part Two... has Ended--
Whee! I've finally finished this chapter and you know what? I've got absolutely NO CLUE as to where this ficcy is going! Aah... the joys of c-f'ness... Sorry if that chapter was too SLOOOOW for you. I aim to improve the plot (yes, there will be a kind of plot. If you can call it a plot...) Ah... it's so much fun writing self-insertion... Well, see ya and hope you liked!