Chapter 5: My Heart Bleeds for You

He ran as fast as his feet could bring him. Images of what happened to them in the bathroom again flashed across his mind. He sped up in an attempt to erase those images, outrun them, only they were stuck in his mind.

She had lied to him. He wasn't sure whether he should be mad at her for lying about their past relationship. How could she be calm and tell him it was okay?

It is not okay. It will never be okay. Spike told himself again, as if hoping the words would punish him in some way. A messy relationship was one thing, but attempted rape? He would never be able to forgive himself for it. His heart was torn; shredded into million pieces. He really was a horrible person. A bad, horrible man who did not deserve her love in a million years.

Spike came to a halt, bending down, hands placed on his knees as he caught his breath. Looking around his surroundings, he realized he was in an empty alley and that he had no idea how he had gotten there. For a moment, his thoughts were sidetracked by cats' screeches near a large garbage bin. As the sound dissipated, his brain brought him back to the current misery he was in.

"What have I done?" He choked back his sob, trying to gain control but failing. "What have I done?" He repeated. Flashbacks resumed haunting him, filling his mind, chastising him. Seeing red, he drove a fist into a nearby wall. The bricks weren't impressed. He slammed the other fist into the wall again and began punching the red bricks. More blows were sent, and to some extent he was satisfied that tiny crumbles of the concrete started falling down. He continued pouring out his devastation into his punches, pouring out his anger of the feeling that he had failed her. Failed to love her as she had deserved to be loved.

Exhausted, he slumped his shoulders in defeat, crumbling down himself to the ground. He noticed his hands were now covered with blood and angry abrasions. But despair had dug a hole in his heart, deeper than the cuts in his hands, letting him to feel the hurt slowly and thoroughly. He lowered his head; hands were placed on top of it as he rested his elbows on his knees. 

"What have I done?" He whispered, voice trembling with cry.

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Angel opened the door and stepped into the lobby jadedly. He had decided to stop by the hotel to check on Buffy and Spike before he headed to his client's house. The thought of Buffy loving his childe still ridiculed him, even though he attempted his hardest to understand them after having a long talk with her. But then again, he never understood his childe. Spike had never been an ordinary vampire. He'd been unique and still had heart regardless of the expectation that he be an evil bloodsucking fiend. Angel had secretly been awed by Spike's devotion to Drusilla for more than a hundred years. To him, Drusilla had been an obsession of his. To Spike, Drusilla had been his once true love.

And then he was in love with Buffy and she loved him back. Angel shook his head. He had tried to fully understand her. Yet she still surprised him every time they reunited.

He froze on his feet as he picked up a faint sound of a female sobbing. "Buffy?" He called, following the sound with tentative steps. His eyes widened once he saw the Slayer sitting on the floor, looking broken. Squatting, he pried her hands away from her face. "Buffy, what happened? Where's- where's Spike?" Angel clenched his jaw as he realized Spike was nowhere to be seen.

"He's gone. He knew the truth and now he's gone." Buffy sobbed, looking up to him with red eyes.

"What are you talking about? What truth? Is there something you're not telling me?" She looked away and cried harder. "Buffy…"

"I have to find him. H-He may not be too far from here." She looked back to him, eyes holding urgency as she tried to pick up herself.

"No, you're not going anywhere." Angel blocked her way, holding her arms as firm as his tone.

"But I need to find him. I need to explain everything."

"No. You stay here. I'll find him. And as soon as I get him back, you owe me one hell of an explanation." After he seated her on the couch, Angel immediately strode toward the front door. He hoped he could find his childe soon, so he could beat him up for an explanation since in her current state, he didn't think Buffy could provide him with one.

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Spike was tempted to rip out his hair, to beat himself up; anything to distract the aching pain in his heart and the guilt surging through his entire body. The episode was now fresh in his memory. He could feel it in his soul, eating him from the inside. Scratching, burning, stinging. He could taste it in his mouth like cold bad coffee in the morning. It was revolting. So revolting that it became tasteless and all he could feel was numb.

"Get up!" Angel ordered in a clip tone. Spike looked up to him. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't sensed the vampire's presence. "I don't know what's going on between you and Buffy but you better come back to hotel with me now."

Spike shook his head, hanging his head low again. "Can't see her now. It's bad. Everything's going bad." Looking up, he continued, "Do you know what I've done in the past?"

"Well, why don't you tell me?" Angel asked back coldly, curling his fists, hoping that he would not have to use them on his childe's face.

"I've done horrible things. I knew I did terrible things to people, but I never thought I did things to her."

"What kind of things are you talking about? Is your memory coming back to you now?"

"The things I did…they're uncalled for. They're wrong. Very wrong." Spike began mumbling to himself.

"Damnit, Spike! Stop babbling. Tell me what happened!" Angel pulled Spike on his feet, shaking him by the shoulders as he asked impatiently. Spike looked away and stayed silent. The brunette stared down at Spike menacingly, then shoved him against the wall with a disgusted look plastered on his pale face. He turned around, one hand placed on his waist and the other on his face, digits pinching on his nose as he tried to contain his anger. 

Angel could hear Lorne's warning in his head. It's none of your business, Angel and it will stay that way. He scoffed to himself. Right. None of my business. Trust them to solve it on their own. He heaved a sigh.

"As much as I want to beat the hell out of you, I'm gonna let you two work out whatever problems you're having. Now get on the car, we're going home."

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Would it be all right if she saw him now? Would it be okay if she sat next to him and talked to him? Would he run away from her, avoiding her as if she were a deadly virus? Buffy placed her palm on the door quietly, contemplating her choices, either to knock or let him rest. Deciding to choose option one, she gave soft knock on the door. Once, twice…barely heard.

"Come in." She sighed in relief once she heard his invitation. Turning the knob slowly, she poked her head into the room. As soon as their eyes met, she slipped into his room fully and closed the door with a soft click.

"Hey." She said with a small smile. Spike smiled back tentatively. At least he isn't running off, so that's a good start, Buffy thought. She took cautious steps towards him. For each step, she gambled the chances of him being afraid of her. In each step, she put all the hope that he wouldn't flee the room like the incident in the bathroom. Glad that he stayed unmoving, she sat next to him on his bed, her hands fidgeting, mirroring his bandaged ones.

"You're hurt." Buffy had the urge to smack herself on the head as soon as the obvious words escaped her mouth. "Can- can I have a look?" Spike hesitantly laid one of his bandaged hands on her palm. She placed featherlike caresses on the white cotton.  The bare touch sent shivers through him as he stared at her while she continued stroking his hand with her fingertips. Buffy looked up to him and their eyes met. There was a moment of silence where it seemed as if they were searching each other's soul through their concentrated eye contact.  It wasn't long until Spike realized the intensity of their gazing and focused his vision elsewhere.  She winced as he harshly as he drew his hand from hers.  He seemed to not trust her yet. It was funny, if she thought about it. Two summers ago, she told him she would never trust him. Now she was the one who was begging for his trust. The trust to reconcile their relationship. To give in and fall into each other's arms, opening their hearts to each other and believing in them.

"That day, when you sacrificed yourself to close the hellmouth..." Spike turned his head to her as she continued speaking, "When I told you I loved you, I did mean it and I still do." Buffy looked up to meet his eyes, her own holding an assurance behind them. "I still love you, Spike. You didn't believe me back then but you need to believe it now. I felt empty when you were gone. The world was safe but I wasn't and you know why? Because I'm not going to be safe in this world, unless I'm in your arms and I want to be safe now because you're here. Because you're here with me. And- and that's enough for me." Tears started to well up behind her eyes, but she held them back. Spike opened and shut his mouth, not knowing how to respond. The look on this woman's face made him want to value everything she said.

"Remember when you said I was the one?" At his confused expression, Buffy lowered her head while she restrained the tears that threatened to fall. She chuckled softly, silently telling him 'Course, you don't remember.' then looked up to him again. "Well, you told me I was the one and you told me you'd seen the best and the worst in me. I believed in you, Spike. And I want to tell you that you're the one. You're the one for me. I may not have seen your worst but I've seen the best in you, and you have it here." Buffy placed a palm over his heart, sniffling. Spike put his hand on top of hers. At the feel of his warm touch, she started to cry, finally giving into the tears.

He caressed her tears away with his thumb. "Shh…you don't need to continue, you-."  Buffy shook her head vigorously and cut him off.

"No, I need to finish what I want to tell you. Because I want to tell you everything that is in my heart." Buffy took a deep breath and sniffled. Spike waited patiently. "You know why I gave you the amulet? Because deep inside my heart, I knew you were a true champion. You were my champion, Spike. My hero; and you still are." Spike's breath hitched in his throat as his eyes looked into hers with awe. "But you were wrong. You were wrong about giving me what I deserved. I didn't deserve your soul, I deserved you. The inside of you, and I get it now. You didn't get your soul for me, but you gave me my soul. And it's you, Spike. You are my soul, my other half. I don't know how I survived these months. Maybe it's because I believed that you were coming back to me, back into my arms. And here you are. Tell me you're coming back to me, Spike. Please tell me you're coming back for me…" She begged, her eyes pleading into his, hot tears running down freely.

Spike caressed her cheek and hushed her. "Shh…I am, I am coming back to you…for you, sweetheart." He still couldn't believe that such an angel like her loved him deeply and with all her heart. Though he hadn't remembered everything about them, he wanted to cherish this moment. Spike leaned down and kissed her softly. Buffy kissed him back hungrily, desperately, aching to touch him.

"Touch me, Spike. Make love to me." She whispered. He kissed her again, slowly and thoroughly. Running his hand through her golden tresses, he moved from her lips and kissed her tears away. Spike laid her on her back, bringing his mouth back to hers. A sudden realization hit him and he pulled away. He didn't want to hurt her. He really didn't. Not again.

"Spike, it's all right. It will be all right." She reassured him with a smile as she touched his cheek. She reached up to him, bringing him back to her arm and capturing his mouth again.

Buffy wanted to weep her heart out, to relish the joy of being able to feel him again. He was hers again and she was his. Clothes were soon discarded. Their bodies moulded together and still fit perfectly.

Spike looked down to her. "Buffy…"

"I want to feel you. Feel me feeling you." And then he thrust into her, trembling at the feel of her warmth. Buffy gasped, biting back her cry over having him inside her. She was safe now, safe in his arms. Complete.

Their gazes remained locked as they moved together in harmonic rhythm. She brought her hands to his face, cupping his cheeks and whispering, "Stay with me." He only stared down into her eyes in silence. Their tempo was steadily escalating. "Promise you will stay with me." She whispered again.

He took a brief moment to study her features, especially her green pools. For the last time, he needed one last assurance from her. And she gave it to him.

Spike nodded, then lolled his head as he reached his pinnacle. Buffy soon followed him, washed by the pure bliss of their joining. He spread out on top of her, his lips brushing against her ear and he murmured, "Forever."

A lone tear of euphoria rolled down her cheek as she wrapped her arms around him.

to be continued.