"How to break clear?
A .44 magnum?
A can of ale?
The museum of pain
doesn't charge admission,
It's free as skunkshit…"
-Bukowski
He was numb. He hadn't considered the ramifications of returning with Kirsten. He didn't know what to do so he'd taken the easy way out and obeyed her. She genuinely seemed to care and he really wanted to believe. He had decided to trust her. She'd never done anything to make him doubt her intentions.
They'd walked around the house, not venturing into the front door but taking the path around the side. She entered the poolhouse first, flipping on the light switch.
All his things were exactly where he'd left them. He'd figured Sandy had destroyed everything or sold it. But everything was still there.
Not that he would ever feel comfortable using anything again. Sandy thought he was taking advantage of his family. He'd never feel the same wearing the clothes that Kirsten had bought for him. He didn't want to eat their food, take their money, go to their school. He couldn't survive here.
"Ryan…"
He sat down on the bed. He wasn't surprised when she sat down beside him. He was still shaking.
"Where did you go?"
"I walked," He murmured.
"You walked. Where were you going?"
He didn't meet her eyes. He didn't have anywhere to go. "Nowhere. I was just walking."
"Walking."
He nodded. He knew what she was going to ask next.
"What happened between you and Sandy?"
"You said you didn't care what he said." He kept his voice low.
"Did he hit you?"
He didn't answer.
"Ryan? Please tell me."
"No. He didn't touch me."
She sighed and took his hand. He was still shaking. "Don't lie to me."
"He didn't touch me." It wasn't a lie. He knew the rules too well. If someone hit you, someone in a position of authority, you never told. His bruised were gone. He wouldn't tell. It wasn't a lie.
"Ryan. This is your home. I want you to get some rest."
He had to go. He couldn't stay, he wouldn't. He wasn't welcome.
"Why don't you go get a shower and get changed. I'll bring some food out for you."
"I'm not…"
"You haven't eaten in days, Ryan, and that hospital food isn't going to sustain you. Get cleaned up and I'll be right here when you're done, okay?"
He had no choice but to obey. She wanted him to stay. She'd come for him. She'd searched until she found him. He wouldn't let her down. He wouldn't hurt her, not when she was trying so hard. He got up and went into the bathroom.
He stripped off the clothes that he had inherited from the surfer kids and stepped into the shower. He turned the water on as hot as he could stand. He hadn't had a real shower in almost three weeks. He didn't think he'd ever be able to scrub the grime off his skin. He was dirty.
He couldn't believe he was back here. Not after Sandy's words. "I take you into my home and you take advantage of me…"
He wished he could wash out his brain. Being here, after all the things that Sandy had said…was just wrong. But Kirsten had come for him. He wanted to trust her. He had no other choice. He washed himself and tried to clear his head.
Finally, he felt better. He was still exhausted but he felt cleaner. On the outside.
He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He didn't want to wear the clothes in the poolhouse. He didn't want to be here. But he couldn't walk around naked.
Kirsten was sitting on the bed with Seth when he stepped out. Several boxes of takeout were spread out on the bed. He didn't speak to them as he quietly went to the shelves. He pulled out a pair of boxers, sweatpants and one of his wifebeaters from the shelves.
"Oh my god…" Seth gasped as he realized that he was there. "You're like a skeleton…"
He'd known he'd lost weight but he hadn't considered the amount. He ducked back into the bathroom and pulled on his clothes. His boxers were loose and the elastic in the sweatpants didn't keep them from dropping low on his hips. He sighed. He ran his hands through his hair and steadied himself. Seth was out there.
He stepped out.
"Ryan?" Kirsten called quietly. He walked over to the bed and before he could react, Seth had his arms around him.
"I'm so sorry…I am so fucking sorry…" Seth muttered, hugging him.
"It's okay…" He murmured in reply. It wasn't okay. But he had to make Seth give him some space. He wished that all it took was a few words to make everything okay but it didn't. It just didn't work like that.
Seth finally released him. "I knew you didn't take those things. If I had been here…"
"Seth. Give him some air, okay?" Kirsten said quietly. Ryan sat down between them on the bed.
"So I ordered a little of everything because I didn't know what you'd want…" Seth said. His voice trailed off as he saw that Ryan wasn't responding.
Ryan didn't want to eat. He thought he'd lost the capacity to eat. The aromas that should be enticing were turning his stomach.
"You have to try and eat something, Ryan. Please." Kirsten's voice brought him out of his trance.
He accepted a tray from Seth's hands.
"Ryan, I need to go inside for a little while. Will you be okay?"
He nodded.
"Seth's going to stay, is that all right?"
He didn't care. He nodded.
"Please don't run off, okay? Everything will be okay…" She said. She squeezed Ryan's shoulder and he met her gaze with hopeless eyes. She'd never seen him so vulnerable.
"Go, mom. It's all right." Seth had softened his tone.
Kirsten left. Ryan stared at the food blankly.
"Dude. What's up?"
"I'm not hungry."
"You…you have to eat, man. You're…really thin," Seth said.
He sighed. He lifted a piece of chicken and put it in his mouth warily.
"What happened to you?" Seth asked.
Ryan didn't respond. He concentrated on chewing the chicken. He swallowed and mechanically lifted another piece to his mouth.
"I…I'm sorry, man. Please…can you forgive me?"
Ryan was eating. The chicken was sitting in his stomach like lead. He didn't want to listen to Seth. He didn't want to look at him.
"Did Mom tell you about Oliver?" He asked quietly. "Are you ever going to talk to me again?"
Ryan wasn't really angry at Seth. Ryan was hurt and disappointed but he realized that Seth was a kid and he was too self-obsessed to intentionally hurt him.
He hadn't left because of Seth. He'd left because Sandy had kicked him out. Sandy thought he was a danger to Seth and Kirsten. He was a criminal.
"Ryan…" Seth had tears on his cheeks.
"Don't cry," Ryan whispered. He couldn't take more tears.
"Why did you go? You didn't do it…why would you just leave?"
Ryan couldn't tell Seth what Sandy had said. He wouldn't. He put another piece of chicken into his mouth.
"Ryan…"
"You don't have to say anything. There's nothing to say."
Seth's lip quivered as he tried not to cry.
Ryan ate one more piece of chicken before putting the tray down and turning to face his friend. "Maybe you should go."
"I'm supposed to stay with you," Seth replied quietly.
Ryan shrugged. He was tired. He stretched out on the bed and tried to stop shaking.
Kirsten found her husband in the kitchen. He was frazzled and hadn't shaved since the police had told them about Rosa. He was watching the poolhouse.
"How is he?"
"He's okay. I need to know something, Sandy."
Sandy looked at her. He knew what she was going to ask him. She hadn't asked him before, she was too worried about the answer. But Ryan was home now. He had to face what he had done.
"Okay."
"What did you say to him?" Kirsten asked. She had to know.
Sandy shuddered. He didn't want to repeat what he'd said. He'd been drunk and stupid and the things he said…he couldn't take back.
"Sandy. I need to know what you said to him." She needed to know.
"I said…that he had waited until we trusted him to turn on us. I told him to get out of my house and to leave everything…that it'd be his rent…" Sandy whispered. He couldn't look at her. He was so ashamed. Ryan would never forgive him. She'd never forgive him.
"Did you hit him?"
He felt the tears escape from his eyes.
"Sandy. Did you hit him?"
He nodded.
She slapped him. "How the hell could you do that?"
"I'm sorry…" He whispered. Her face was dark with anger.
"I asked him, point blank if you touched him and he said no. He said no, Sandy. You hit him…I can't believe you hit him…"
He couldn't either. It was like he was out of his head. He thought Ryan was a criminal, that he was out to hurt his family. If he'd been sober, he'd have thought it out more. Ryan was not a criminal. He knew that. He'd always known that. Except for when he found the jewelry.
"Sandy. We have to fix this. You have to fix this. Ryan…he's not himself. He'll barely speak to me, the doctors say he hasn't eaten a full meal in weeks. Weeks, Sandy! He's been wandering around on the beach…" Her anger was gone, the only emotion on her face now was stark concern.
"What am I supposed to say to make him forgive me?"
"Whatever you have to say, Sandy. You brought him into the family and I'll be damned if I'll lose him over something like this. My father is trying to tear apart my family and I won't stand for it," Kirsten said.
"Can I see him? Is he okay?" Sandy whispered.
"He's not okay. He's lost over twenty pounds. He's skin and bones," She replied. "I'm going to stay with him…"
"Can I see him?"
"I need to talk to him first."
Seth was sitting on the end of Ryan's bed when his mother returned. Ryan was lying in silence on the bed, trembling. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say.
"Seth?"
"He ate a little of the chicken," He said slowly.
"Ryan?" She called.
He sat up immediately, curling his legs under him.
"Honey, you have to try and eat, okay?" Kirsten glanced at Seth. "Seth, why don't you go inside?"
He stood up and left the poolhouse.
Kirsten sat down beside Ryan on the bed and set a tray of fries in front of him.
"Ryan. I talked to Sandy…" She tried to ignore the tremor that ran through him when she mentioned her husband's name. "He wants to talk to you. Will you talk to him?"
He shrugged. She slid the plate closer to him. He reluctantly put a French fry in his mouth.
"He told me the truth. Why didn't you?"
Ryan's eyes were dark.
"It was wrong. No one should ever hit you. You didn't deserve to get hit. If you don't want to see him, then I'll respect that…"
"What do you want me to do?" He asked quietly.
"What do you want to do?" She replied immediately.
He didn't respond.
"This is a big mess. My father…he did this to tear us apart. He wanted us to get rid of you. But he lost his family instead. I will never forgive him for what he did," She started.
Ryan put another fry in his mouth. She watched him chew deliberately.
"But I want my family back. I don't know if you can forgive Sandy, I don't even know if you should forgive him…but he loves you. God, he loves you, Ryan. Seeing both of you in pain like this…"
"I'll do whatever you want," He whispered. "I'll see him. I'll talk to him…"
"Will you talk to him? Not just listen, but talk to him?" She asked. She didn't want him to do it for her but if it was the only way, then she'd take it.
He nodded.
"I'll get him. And I'll be right here with you, okay? There's nothing to be afraid of…"
"I'm not afraid…"
She knew he was lying. He was trembling worse now.
"Are you cold? Do you want a sweatshirt?" She asked.
"I'm fine. I don't need anything…"
"This is your home. These are your things. Forget everything that Sandy said to you, okay? He was wrong. This is my house. I own it. And everything in here is yours."
He wouldn't meet her gaze. He nodded finally.
"Are you cold, Ryan?"
"I'll get it," He sighed. He stood up and went to the shelves and retrieved a sweatshirt. It swallowed his thin frame.
"If you want to wait, Ryan…"
"I'll see him, Kirsten. I'll do whatever you want…"
She sighed. He sat back down on the bed. His hair was curtaining his face and she couldn't see his eyes. "I'll get him. Are you sure…"
"Kirsten. If you want me to stay…I'll stay. And if I stay…I have to face him," He whispered.
"I want you to stay," She replied.
He nodded. "Then I'll make things right."
"Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong…"
"Seth, he asked me why I left…was I supposed to stay? After all that Sandy said…was I supposed to stay?" Ryan asked. "Because…I couldn't stay…do you understand?"
"I know why you left. I understand. But it's over now. It's in the past. It was a mistake…"
He closed his eyes. Somehow, she knew that he'd heard this before. There was nothing she could say. She couldn't make excuses for her husband.
"You should go get him," Ryan sighed.
She got up quickly and went into the kitchen. Seth was gone but her husband hadn't moved. He was sitting and watching the poolhouse. "Come on."
"He…he's going to see me?"
"I'll be right beside him, Sandy. If he gets upset, then you're going to have to be the one to leave. You're the adult here and you should have acted like it. He needs you…god, I don't know what to do but I know that you two have to work this out. I won't lose him any more than I'll lose you. Are you ready?"
He nodded.