"In the sun and in the rain
and in the day and in the night
pain is a flower
pain is flowers
blooming all the time."
 -Bukowski

Sandy was petrified. He didn't want to face Ryan. He'd hurt him. He'd offered the kid a real life, a good stable life and he'd betrayed him. Ryan was not a criminal. He was a kid who was doing everything he could to make a life for himself and Sandy had let him down. Sandy had forced him back on the streets. He'd promised Ryan safety and stability and he'd punished him for accepting them. It didn't matter if Ryan forgave him. He'd never forgive himself.

Kirsten stepped inside first.

Sandy was stricken when he saw Ryan.

He looked sick. Deathly ill.

He had hurt this boy. He had killed the spirit of this child.

"Sandy. You should close the door," Kirsten said quietly. She sat beside Ryan. He was trembling inside a frayed black sweatshirt. Sandy recognized it. Ryan had brought it from Chino.

He stepped inside. He felt nauseous. He sat down in the chair, several feet from the bed. The room was painfully silent.

"I'm sorry…" He started to sob.

It was uncontrollable. He was so relieved to see Ryan again, safe. But he had driven him away. He had almost killed Ryan, one of the best kids he'd ever known.

"Sandy, honey, stop…" Kirsten was beside him now, holding him.

Ryan was trembling violently now. He had his arms wrapped around his body as if he was freezing to death.

"I'm sorry…I'm okay…" Sandy finally caught his breath and recovered. He steadied himself. Kirsten released him. She returned to Ryan's side.

"Ryan…I have never made a bigger mistake…you have exceeded every one of my expectations…you have earned my love, my trust and my respect…"

Ryan visibly recoiled. He was shaking his head, affected.

"Ryan, I was wrong…I am so sorry…nothing I say will ever be enough…" Sandy said.

Ryan was silent. His eyes were glued to the blanket he was sitting on.

"You didn't do anything wrong…I did everything…I accused you, I didn't listen…I thoroughly fucked up…and I hit you…" He stopped himself.

Ryan was still.

"Ryan. You said you'd try to talk to him. Don't you have anything to say? How do you feel?" Kirsten urged.

Ryan opened his mouth to speak but immediately closed it again. His blue eyes were unfocused. He sighed.

"You thought I was a criminal…" He stated slowly. "You had proof…so you called me on it. But the part that got me was…I could see that you've always had that in the back of your mind…and no matter what I do…I will never get past that…I'll always be the delinquent you brought home…"

"I was wrong…" Sandy whispered, stricken.

"It doesn't matter," Ryan replied.

"You are not a criminal…" Kirsten said suddenly. "You are Ryan, you are…my son…"

"I'm not your son…" Ryan shuddered at her touch. "If you want me to be honest, I don't think…I don't think I can do this again…I don't think I can be here…I should go…" He started to get up.

"No, Ryan, wait…its okay, we'll stop talking, we'll just…" Kirsten said, taking his arm urgently.

He hesitated. He was torn by his need to escape and his want for her comfort.

"Just sit. Okay? Everything's okay…" She said.

"I just don't know what you want me to say…" Ryan whispered, settling back into a sitting position.

"Just tell me what I have to do to make this right…tell me what I have to say to make you stay…to get you to let me be a part of your life…" Sandy said. "I'll do whatever you say…"

Ryan shook his head, tears in his eyes. He mumbled soundlessly as if he couldn't vocalize his words. He covered his face.

"Okay…Sandy, you should go…" Kirsten gave him a helpless look.

All Sandy wanted to do was wrap Ryan in his arms and make him better. But he couldn't touch him. He'd violated an unwritten rule. He got up and walked slowly back to the house.

"Ryan, look at me…" She took his trembling hands and held them tightly until he met her gaze.

"I'm sorry…" He whispered. He shouldn't have said anything, talking just got him into more trouble. He knew that Sandy was sorry, the man's eyes were full of regret. He knew about making mistakes, god knows, he's made enough of his own, but he just couldn't handle the look on his face. He was so tired that he didn't have control of his own emotions.

"Don't be sorry…you told what you felt…but you belong here, okay? We took you into our home and no matter how angry Sandy was when he said those things to you…you belong here. I want you to get some rest."

He nodded. He wanted to rest.

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be okay. He apologized. Seth apologized. I'll get over it…" He whispered.

"Ryan…"

"I'll be okay. I'm just really tired…"

"I guess so. Do you mind if I stay with you?" She asked. She was gathering all the uneaten food boxes and cleaning off the bed.

"You scared I'll run off?" He asked, tiredly.

"Yeah, I am…" She admitted.

"I just need some time, Kirsten. I mean…all of this kind of got thrown at me…"

"You've been gone for three weeks…"

"Yeah, and the whole time I was thinking that this part of my life was over…when I woke up in the hospital and saw you there…I didn't know what to think…I still don't know what to think…" He muttered.

"Okay, honey…"

"You're being so nice…" He sighed as she pulled the covers down on the bed.

"Because I want this all to be over. I want my family back. And you're a part of my family," She whispered. "You're still shivering. I'll get you another blanket."

He slipped under the covers. He hadn't slept in a bed for so long. He hadn't slept in so long. He closed his eyes.

Ryan woke up a few times throughout the night but he didn't disturb Kirsten. She was asleep in the chair, watching over him. He'd slipped to the bathroom once and the other times, he'd simply stared out the window.

He was stronger than this. He'd let her see him cry.

He had crawled back to his real mother enough times that this shouldn't be anything new for him. His mom and her numerous boyfriends had kicked him out countless times and he'd left long enough for their anger to settle before returning. But this time it was different.

It was Sandy. Sandy had sent him away. The one person who had always believed in him…had sent him away.

But it was all a mistake. Caleb had framed him. Sandy wasn't in his right mind, he had been drunk. He wanted him back. He wanted another chance.

He'd forgiven his mother for much worse sins but she'd never truly believed in him. She needed him. But Sandy…Ryan had let himself think that he was different. That he really thought that Ryan was a good person, that he was capable of being a good man.

It didn't matter. He was seventeen. He only had to last a year. He could survive anywhere. He could survive here. He'd take just enough of their charity to get by, he'd go to the school they wanted, he'd eat, he'd do the chores they wanted, and he'd survive here.

He was steady today. He was sore and tired but he wasn't on the verge of tears anymore. He had to face Sandy and Seth. He had to face them all. He'd be fine.

He got up, careful not to wake Kirsten and grabbed some clothes before going into the bathroom. He took a quick shower and tried to ignore the headache nagging at him. He got dressed and stepped back out into the poolhouse.

"Thank god, Ryan…" Kirsten was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking worried. "I thought…"

"I just took a shower. I'm still here."

"Are you hungry? I can bring you some breakfast…" She said immediately.

"I probably need to eat," He admitted. He didn't meet her gaze, he didn't want to see her worry. "Can I come inside?"

"Of course, Ryan…you know that Seth and Sandy are in there, though, right?"

Ryan sighed. "If I'm going to stay here…then we're going to run into each other, right? Everything's okay."

"I'm sorry, but I don't believe you. Last night, you couldn't even talk to him…" She said quietly.

"I needed to sleep on it…"

"Ryan, if you can't stand to be here, then I'll…I'll help you however I can…"

Ryan was surprised by her offer.

"I don't want you to pretend that everything's okay when it's not," She said.

He sat down on the bed and sighed. "Kirsten. I thought you wanted me to work through this…"

"I do…"

"Then let me. Sandy's not the first person to raise his hand to me and I doubt he'll be the last. It's fine. That's not why I was upset. I…"

"You trusted him and you thought he trusted you…I know…"

"But he's sorry and I…I don't have anywhere else to turn. He's a good man…he was only doing what he thought was best for his family…"

"You're a part of his family…"

Ryan shook his head, trying to think of a way he could explain. "I can't promise anything, Kirsten, but I have to try and stick it out here. I don't have anywhere else…"

Her blue eyes flashed. "That's not the reason you should stay. I don't want you here because you don't have anywhere else to go, I want you here because you're a member of this family."

He didn't know how to respond. He wasn't a Cohen. He wasn't a part of this family. He wasn't a part of any family. They'd all given him a home, given him security but it wasn't real. They didn't think of him as a family member, he was their charity case. Their 'pet'.

"Ryan?"

"What do you want me to do?" He sighed.

"Stop asking me that. I'm trying…"

"And I'm trying, too. I thought you wanted me to make this right…" Ryan said, confused. He didn't know how to please her, he couldn't make her stop worrying.

She sighed.

"Nothing I say is going to make this right," He said finally. "Nothing. Sandy's never going to forgive himself for losing his temper and I'll never forget those words that he said to me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth…"

"So, you're just going to stay here until you hit eighteen and then just disappear? Because of what my father did? You're going to let him win?" Kirsten had tears in her eyes.

"Kirsten…"

"No. I want you to forgive Sandy. I want you to forgive Seth. I want you to accept your place in this family and accept that you deserve all of this and more. That's what I want from you." She was upset and crying. She didn't know what to do either.

He didn't reply.

"Ryan…"

"Nothing I say is going to be right. So I'm not going to say anything. I won't make you promises that I can't keep. I'm sorry. If you don't want me to go inside then I'll wait here for you to bring me something. Or I'll go back to sleep," He whispered.

"No, honey. I'm sorry…I just…"

"I know." He knew. She was trying to put her family back together. What she didn't realize was that he wasn't a part of her family. He didn't fit.

"Let's go inside," She said.

He followed her out of the poolhouse. They went into the kitchen and were both surprised to find it empty.

"You should get some rest. I don't want to be responsible for your collapse," Ryan said quietly. "I'm going to try and find something that isn't too heavy to eat."

"Help yourself, Ryan," Kirsten said. She glanced at him, concerned but left him unattended.

He knew that he'd missed a lot since she wasn't going to work and Sandy's car was still here. Apparently, Seth wasn't needed at school either since she'd mentioned that he was here.

He went to the refrigerator and his stomach turned when he saw all the food on the shelves. They always had too much food. He didn't want anything. Nothing that he saw made him want to eat. He heard something behind him.

"Hey, man," Seth nodded. He was standing in the doorway, hesitant.

"Hey. No school?"

"I haven't been in a couple of weeks. I just…couldn't go," He said quietly.

Ryan didn't know what to say. He returned his attention to the refrigerator. "Do you want some breakfast?"

"Are you cooking?" Seth replied. "I mean, we haven't had a home cooked meal since Mom fired Rosa…" He hesitated.

"That sucks. I don't want anything," He muttered aloud. "What do you want?"

"What do I want? You're not hungry?"

"No. But I have to eat or your mother's going to kick my ass. So what do you want?" Ryan asked, turning to face him.

"How about pancakes? Or scrambled eggs? Or sausage?" Seth suggested.

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"You asked," Seth gave him a slight smile.

"Yeah. Okay. But you're helping…" Ryan muttered. Seth smiled widely.

He started passing items to Seth who set them on the counter. Once he was satisfied, he went to the stove and got out a couple of frying pans. He started with the eggs first.

"Man…it's really good to have you back."

"Thanks."

"So…where did you go? And why are you talking to me today when last night you wouldn't even look at me?"

Ryan glared at him but he was glad that Seth wasn't crying today. He could handle an apologetic Seth, but not a crying Seth.

"I walked," Ryan replied.

"You walked. Where?"

"Down the beach."

"For three weeks."

Ryan nodded.

"Dude…that's just…odd."

Ryan smiled slightly as he seasoned the eggs.

"I'm sorry, man. I mean it…"

"I know. It's okay…well, it's not really, but it will be…you know?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. I guess. No…actually…what's up?" Seth asked, confused.

"What's up?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. What's up? Last night…"

"Your mom came and picked me up from the hospital. I wasn't exactly together when you saw me," Ryan said evenly.

"So…we're cool now, right?" Seth asked.

"Getting there. I mean…" Ryan turned to face his friend. "I mean…it hurt when you didn't believe me about Oliver…but no one really believed me. But that's not why I left…"

"You left because…because Dad told you to, right? He kicked you out…"

Ryan returned his attention to the eggs.

"What happened?"

Ryan shrugged. "Ask Sandy. I don't want to talk about it."

"Dad's…he's been pretty upset. It's like…he won't even talk to me…or mom…he's just…" Seth began.

"Wracked with guilt," Sandy finished quietly from the doorway.

"Hey, Dad," Seth was flushed.

"Want some breakfast?" Ryan asked, not turning around.

"I'm not really hungry," Sandy replied. He was clearly surprised to have Ryan speaking to him.

"Yeah, me either, but Kirsten insists that eating is like, a necessity or something," Ryan replied. He turned and met Sandy's startled gaze.

"She's right, too," Seth said, glancing between Ryan and his father.

"So right now we have scrambled eggs," Ryan said, returning his attention to the stove. "And Seth requested pancakes and sausage so that's next."

"What inspired this?" Sandy asked quietly.

"He's not hungry but he has to eat. Haven't we been through this?" Seth smirked.

"Any requests?"

"Well, Kirsten would love some of your bacon, I'm sure…" Sandy went to the refrigerator and pulled out a package of bacon. He hesitated and didn't walk around the counter, instead, he passed the package to Seth.

"Coming up," Ryan replied.

"What's that smell?" Kirsten asked walking in with her hair still damp. She walked over and put her arm around her husband, kissing his cheek.

"Food. Actual home-cooked food," Seth replied. He was leaning on the counter beside Ryan, as if he was scared he'd disappear if he let him out of his sight.

"Yum. Can I help?"

"No," Seth and Sandy said in unison.

"Seth, why don't you start the coffee. Sandy, can you mix up the pancake batter?" Ryan said, not turning around.

Kirsten gave Sandy a reassuring hug before going to start setting the table.

Sandy hesitantly stepped around the counter and started mixing the pancake batter in a large bow.

"Relax," Ryan said to him, startling him and making him jump. "I'm not going to bite you."

"Really?" Sandy asked.

Ryan gave him a slight smile. "Really. I'm not hungry."

Sandy relaxed a little and continued mixing the batter. "I'm sorry about last night…"

"Me, too. I'm better now. Everything's okay?"

"It's okay? It's not okay, Ryan…"

"I know. But it's better. You were wrong. You made a mistake. It's in the past," Ryan muttered. Seth was watching them curiously from beside the coffeemaker.

"In the past…"

Ryan stopped flipping the sausage and turned to look Sandy in the face. "If we ever want to get back to normal, then we have to leave all that in the past." His gaze flickered to the bowl in Sandy's hand. "Are you done with that?"

"Yeah, I'm done…" Sandy stammered, passing him the bowl.

Ryan used an empty frying pan and started the pancakes.

After breakfast, Ryan retreated to the poolhouse. Kirsten was meeting with Dr. Kim to discuss Ryan's reenrollment in Harbor. They had withdrawn him from school in order to make sure he didn't fail the classes because of attendance.

Seth was inspired by Ryan's breakfast and was convinced that everything was going to be okay. He had given both of his parents big hugs and told them that everything was going to be fine.

Ryan was surprised to find that he felt better. Once Sandy had relaxed and Seth had relaxed, he'd relaxed, too. They didn't mean it. He knew that they had to at least get back into the swing of acting normal if they were going to get through this. He could tell that Sandy and Kirsten doubted his turnabout but he'd convince them.

He'd always forgiven his mother for her sins. He could learn to do it for the Cohens, too.

He glanced up when he heard the slight knock on the door.

"Ryan?"

"Marissa." He turned when he heard her voice. He ignored her gasp. He wasn't ready to face her yet. He couldn't help her.

"Hey. You're back…"

"Did you even know I was gone?" Ryan asked. He didn't mean to be cold. But he was.

She walked into the poolhouse, leaving the door open. He could smell liquor on her breath when she embraced him.

"I'm so sorry…Oliver was…"

"I heard. I'm sorry."

"I should have listened to you…"

"It's too late." He shook off her hug. He was forgiving Seth and Sandy. But he didn't want to forgive her. He was a hypocrite. But she didn't care about him. She didn't believe him, she'd said awful things to him…but so had they.

"I'm sorry, Ryan…can we just…start over?"

"I need some time. I've had a long couple of weeks…"

She seemed to look at him for the first time. "You've lost weight…you look…awful…what happened to you?"

"I don't really want to talk about it." He knew that he was right. She didn't even know he was gone. She only came looking for him after she lost Oliver.

"Ryan…I made a mistake. I…I need you…"

"You don't need me. I'm sorry. Why aren't you at school?"

"I quit. Dad said…he said that he'd help me however he could and school's not helping…but you help…will you help me? Will you give me another chance?" She whispered. Ryan turned away from her and took several steps until he was on the patio in the open air.

"No. I can't. Not right now." He was supposed to be cold. "You should go."

"Ryan, please…"

"No. You should go," He repeated.

She followed him out and he could hear the slur in her voice as she spoke softly to him. "Don't give up on us. I made a mistake. Let me fix it…"

"I can't be with you right now. It's too soon…"

"He killed himself right in front of me, Ryan…I had his blood on me…and all I could think about was you…how I was so wrong for not listening to you…" She whispered, her hands on his thin arms.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that…"

"I love you. I want another chance. Let me make it up to you…"

"I can't, Marissa. Not right now. Why don't you go home?"

"Will you call me?"

He sighed. He didn't want to call her. But he knew that he would. He'd have to make sure she was all right.

"Ryan…"

"I'll call you later, Marissa."

She kissed him on the cheek and he didn't pull away in time. She kissed his lips and he could taste the alcohol.

"I love you. I'll talk to you soon."

Ryan watched her walk back into the house. He sat down on a stray pool chair and let out a ragged breath.