Chapter Two

Running From the Pain

Tifa walked toward the chocobo stables half-blinded by tears.

"I was so stupid. How could I ever have thought he loved me? Aeris was so perfect, always nice to everyone, sweet, caring only for everyone else. I could never compete with that, not in Cloud's heart. Everything I did for him, standing by him, it was all for nothing. He'll never care. Never. I thought...maybe...but that was just my stupid childish naiveté coming through. I don't have anyone now...nothing...everyone who loved me is gone. Maybe it'd be better if I were gone too. I could escape it all, all the pain." Reaching up, she wiped her tears from her face and composed herself before she entered the stables.

     "How much do I owe you for keeping Cerasi?" she asked the keeper.

     He looked at her quizzically, "What do you mean?"

"I'm leaving." she replied simply, "And I don't intend to return."

"You don't owe me anything, the stables were paid for already, so-"

She handed him four thousand gil, "Here, take it. Thanks for taking care of her."

"Ms. Lockheart, I don't understand. I thought you were staying in Kalm."

"Things have happened. I can't stay there anymore." She replied, leading Cerasi to the door, "Goodbye." Jumping onto the chocobo's back, she rode away, desperate to leave Kalm behind. As she rode toward Junon, she became lost in thought, "Where am I gonna go? I can't go back to Nibelheim, he'll find me there. He'll find me eventually anyway..." A short bitter laugh escaped her lips, "Yeah, right, like he's even gonna look for me. Me loving him, it probably creeped him out and he's glad to have me gone." That last thought brought tears back to her eyes as despair clenched in her chest, feeling as if it were going to squeeze her to death. "Cloud..." his name escaped her lips as a strangled sob. Forcing herself into some semblance of composure, she took a deep breath, furiously blinking away her tears. "No more, Tifa. He doesn't love you, and that's it. Crying won't do any good, it'll only make you weak. You have to be strong now. If that means no longer caring about anyone, then so be it, at least you won't get hurt that way." She forced her pain down into the dark corner of her soul and steeled her heart, silently vowing never to let herself be hurt again. Her mind settled, her thoughts turned again to the problem of where she was going to go. Mideel. The name suddenly popped into her thoughts. Nodding to herself, she rushed onward to Junon. Coming to the town, she immediately sought out the docks and stopped at the ticket counter. 

     "Mideel, please." she said.

     The ticket salesman nodded, "And your chocobo? Will you be taking it with you?"

     "Yes."

     "Okay. That'll be...five hundred."

     Handing him the money, she silently accepted her ticket and left for her ship. After seeing Cerasi safely secured in the chocobo hold, she left for her berth. Quietly closing the door behind her, she collapsed onto the bed and closed her eyes, gathering her thoughts.  It'd take almost two days to reach Mideel. Two days...he'll be looking. I just hope he can't find me.

Cloud slowly awoke, feeling his arm wrapped around a small warm form that was pressed against his chest. His sapphire eyes flew open and fell on Tifa. He glanced around the room, noticing that he was in the Icicle Inn near the North Crater. His sleep-fogged brain suddenly realized that there was something wrong with this picture, and he jolted upright, blinking in confusion. The images disappeared, and he was suddenly back in his room on the Highwind.

"Wha-?" he asked. Suddenly his memories caught up to him:  The group was staying at the Icicle Inn when a blizzard suddenly came up.  He and Tifa were sharing a room like they always did, and he glanced over at her, only to see her shivering in the sudden cold. Without even knowing why he did it, he climbed out of bed and went to lay down beside her. Tifa suddenly stirred and turned over toward him, looking at him in shock.

"Cloud, what are you doing?" she asked.

     "Nothing. I just thought we'd be warmer this way. If you want me to, I'll go, I-"

A soft look filled Tifa's eyes, "No. Don't go. It's okay. I was kinda cold."

They'd both quickly fallen asleep, not cuddled together, just simply lying side by side. Cloud woke up later that night, only to find himself holding Tifa to his chest, and her with an arm wrapped around him. He quickly pulled away, moving over to the far side of the bed and praying that Tifa didn't wake up. She only stirred a little, a tiny sound almost like a whimper coming from her, then she turned her back toward him and fell silent.

Cloud shook his head, coming back to the present. He'd thought often about that night, about what it meant, and he never could figure it out.  Now he knew it should've been obvious, that they'd been holding each other because they loved each other. He heaved a sigh and fell back on his bed, "I was so stupid. How could I not know? Everything....I can see it now, why couldn't I see it then?" Slowly climbing out of bed, he went up to the main deck and leaned on the railing and stared up at the stars. "Tifa...this seems so strange without you. We always watched the stars together. Please, just come back to me. Give me a chance..." Glancing toward the horizon, he noticed the faintest beginnings of a light off toward the east. He became lost in thought, remembering what it had felt like with Tifa sleeping in his arms. It seems so long ago, but it was only a few weeks before we defeated Sephiroth. Maybe only a little over a month ago. It felt almost like...nothing mattered, that everything would be okay as long as we were together. I was so stupid. My best friend, and I never noticed when it changed. Maybe it never changed, maybe I've always-we've always....loved each other. Tif...please come back to me.

"Now docking at Mideel." A disinterested voice said over the ship-wide com. Tifa got up and left for the chocobo stables to retrieve Cerasi. As she disembarked, she headed into the sparsely populated town.

"Ms. Lockheart! It's you!" The nurse from the Mideel clinic ran over to her, "What are you doing here?"

"I...came to stay. Do you know any houses that I can buy or something?"

"Well..."

Tifa didn't notice a dark clad figure watching her from under a small tree.

"I'll go find out and tell you. Come by the hospital in an hour, okay?"

Tifa nodded and lead Cerasi over to a deserted corner of town, sitting down in the cool grass.

"Well, this is it, girl. We made it. Maybe now life can go back to normal."

"Normalicy of life is determined by the individual." A voice said quietly.

Tifa turned, noticing for the first time the figure under the trees, "Who are you?" she demanded.

"I'm quite disappointed in you. I thought surely my star pupil would remember me."

Tifa's eyes went wide, "Zangan!? How-? Where have you been?"

He moved to her side, "Journeying. I am glad to see you well. After I left you in Midgar, I feared you would not make it. But, I sense you are very tense right now. What has happened?"

Tifa looked down at her hands, "Too much, Master. I don't want to talk about it. Do you live

here now?"

"Yes. You may stay with me if you wish. I overheard your conversation with the nurse. What brings you so far?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, Master." she whispered.

Zangan shook his head, "You have long since left my training. You needn't call me 'Master' any longer. But, if you do not wish to speak of your troubles, shall we return home?"

Tifa nodded, "Yeah. Just let me go see the nurse first. I'll be there soon."

"What do you mean!?" Cloud yelled at the chocobo keeper, "She just said she was leaving!? Did she say where?"

"N-no." the keeper stammered in fear. Cloud could be frightening when he had need to be. His eyes always started glowing with an eerie light when he was angry, a light that seemed to unnerve others.  "She didn't say anything. I asked, but she wouldn't say. I'm sorry, Mr. Strife, sir."

"Damn!"

"Calm down." Vincent said quietly, "Getting angry is only going to hamper our search. You need to stay calm."

"She could be anywhere!" he retaliated.

"Exactly. That is why we must search quickly. Now get a hold on your emotions and come. We have other places to search."

Cloud stalked back to the Highwind, fighting to keep from losing control of his anger. After a few moments, they were back in the air, on their way to the next place on their list: Nibelheim. Cloud sat on the deck, staring at the landscape as it rushed past. He knew they'd never find Tifa there, she would never go hide somewhere so obvious, but they were going nonetheless. There weren't that many towns, but he knew Tifa wouldn't allow herself to be found easily, she would likely hop from town to town for a time to evade him. Leaning against the wall, he let his mind wander into his memories of his childhood. Tifa...she was so free-spirited back then, carefree, innocent...she still is-was. I saw something in her die, something that had been dying for a long time. Was it me? Her love that I was too damn stupid to see? Did I kill that part of her? I love Aeris, at least I think I do, but still...now that I think about it...was it ever as deep as what I feel for Tifa? Tifa...she lost everyone she loved, she had no one...no one but me. And now, she...doesn't even know that she has that. He slowly climbed to his feet, staring off at the horizon. They were nearing the Nibel Mountains, and even though he couldn't see it, Cloud knew exactly where the deserted village was. It was the beginning of a search that he believed would be in vain, because even if he found Tifa, she would never forgive him. Still, he had to try; he needed to see her again, to at least apologize to the woman who'd stayed by his side through it all.

The late afternoon sunlight filtered through Tifa's windown, casting a soft orange light in her room. She sighed and lay back on her bed, closing her eyes. Over the past few days, she'd been trying to relax, to forget about Cloud, to forget about her love for him. She was pleased with her progress as well. Leaving her feelings behind was far easier than she'd ever thought it'd be. She had started helping out at the hospital, since the doctors there remembered her well. She glanced at the clock; as a matter of fact, she needed to leave for work. Climbing from bed, she hurriedly got ready, then walked the short distance to the rebuilt hospital. The town had simply been rebuilt around the lifestream pit that had opened, and a large fence was erected around the pit itself to keep children and animals from accidentally taking a fatal 'swim' in the spirit energy. Seeing that pool brought back memories she didn't care to relive. Forcefully crushing those thoughts, she entered the hospital.

"Oh, hi, Tifa." the nurse, Eileen said as she walked in.

"Hello, Eileen. Where's Brian?" Brian was the doctor who worked in the small hospital.

"His shift's over. Anyway, the files are right here if you want to get started on putting these away and organizing them. I'll work on these."

Tifa nodded, then started on her task. It wasn't that large, since not many people came to this hospital. Usually only people from the Western Continent went there, when they could afford the wait it took to reach the island by boat or ferry.

"Tifa, whatever happened to that young man you looked after for so long? Oh, what was his name...? Cloud."

Tifa's body went rigid in anger, "Don't say that name ever again." she said, her voice ice cold.

Eileen looked at her, startled by her response, "I...I'm sorry. May I ask what happened?"

Tifa stood silently for a moment, deciding whether or not she wanted to respond, "He was being a jerk like always. I don't care if I never see him again."

Eileen shook her head in confusion, "But he seemed so nice. He really cared about you, at least that's what I gathered."

Tifa let out a short bitter laugh, "He never cared for me. Let's just leave it at that."

"If you say so..." Eileen said uncertainly, concerned at Tifa's tone. When Cloud had been mako poisoned, Tifa had stayed every night at the hospital, spending all of her time right at Cloud's side, trying to reach him in whatever darkness he was locked in. Never had Eileen seen such dedication, and it had torn at her heart to see Tifa's suffering as she watched over Cloud every night.

Tifa continued her task in silence, brooding over the wound that Eileen's question had unknowingly torn open, letting it bleed anew. After her shift was over, she left for her home in silence, without saying goodbye to Eileen.

"Greetings, Tifa." Zangan was sitting at his table, eating a meager dinner, "Would you like anything to eat?"

She stalked toward her room, "No thanks. I'm not hungry." she replied, trying hard to keep the anguish from her voice.

"Wait a moment. Come over here, Tifa."

She halted, then reluctantly turned back to the table and sat down across from him. Somewhere deep inside of her, all she wanted was to go to her room and cry, but she knew she had to keep a strong face, otherwise Zangan would begin to question her as well.

"It is no use hiding your pain from me. I can see it clearly. Now tell me what is troubling you. Ever since you arrived, you have been cold and distant, and that is not at all like the bright, spirited young woman I trained."

Tifa stared down at the table, "Zangan, please. Just let me go. I don't want to talk about this."

"Holding it all inside your soul like that will destroy you eventually. It is not healthy for body or spirit." he said gently, as if talking to a child.

"It doesn't matter, okay? I'll be fine if everyone will just let me forget." she said quietly, she feared her voice would begin to break if she attempted anything above a whisper.

Zangan nodded knowingly, "As I suspected, it is a matter of the heart."

Tifa cringed at his uncanny insight, "Yeah, the heart, the part of me that I wish I could get rid of. I'd be fine without-"

Zangan's eyes became hard, "Never say that! It is the heart that separates man from the beasts, our ability to feel for others."

Tifa looked up at him, glaring daggers, "It's that ability to 'feel' that got me in this mess to begin with! If I'd never loved him-" She slammed her fist onto the table, "I hate him! He never understood! He was...all I had left."

Zangan observed her for a moment, "Love. Who is it?"

She clenched her fist tightly, forcing down the tears that were blurring her vision, "Cloud. The one I grew up with. Remember, when I told you about him?"

He nodded, "Yes. Cloud. The young man that left for Midgar right before you began your training."

"He...I...." she looked up at Zangan, finally letting the tears fall down her face, "I knew he loved Aeris, but I thought maybe....that maybe he loved me....I can't compete with her, not in his heart. I wasn't jealous of her, she was like a sister to me, but still.....After she died, he kept pushing me futher away. I don't know why I even bothered telling him how I felt..." A cry of anguished rage tore from her, "I hate him!!"

"You don't hate him, Tifa, or you wouldn't be like this now."

"I want to hate him...Why is it so hard?"

Zangan went to her side and gently lay a hand on her shoulder, "Because you love him deeply. You cannot simply begin to hate someone you care for that much. You'll never be 'able' to hate him. Perhaps you should talk to him, Tifa."

She shook her head, "No! I'm not talking to him!"

"He will look for you, and he will eventually find you here."

"Not if you don't tell him I'm here."

"I will not lie, Tifa. You must simply prepare yourself to face him as I taught you to face all of your adversaries. Running will only prolong your pain."

Tifa sat silently, letting Zangan's words sink in, after a long moment, she spoke, "So you're gonna tell him I'm here. Fine, tell him, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna listen to him when he comes." She stood up and stalked to her room, closing the door behind her. Walking over to the window, she stared off at the grasslands, becoming lost in thought.

Why do I still love him?  What is it that won't let go? That stupid childish part of me that believes he never meant to hurt me, that he just didn't know? Or is it some part of my heart that still wants to be near him, no matter what he feels? Friendship....is that what's keeping me from hating him? Our friendship? Please, Cloud...don't come here...I can't bear to see you anymore. Just...move on....

Chapter Three

Scars

"So, she wasn't there." Reeve stated. The group was standing aroud the table in the control room, debating on where to look next, "Now what?"

A prolonged silence fell on the group, and Cloud finally noticed that everyone was looking at him expectantly, "What?"

"You know her better than any of us! Where do you think we should go?" Yuffie said, slightly irritated.

Cloud's eyes narrowed in deep thought, "First, where wouldn't she go? Definitely not Corel, Barret's there, and he'd probably give her away. Not Cosmo Canyon either, for much the same reason. Rocket Town's not likely either, because of Shera. She'd probably try to get Tifa to talk to me, and that's the last thing Tifa wants. Not in Wutai, almost everyone knows us there. That only leaves Icicle Inn, Costa del Sol, Fort Condor, Junon, and Mideel. Junon's out because she hates Shinra as much as she hates me. Costa del Sol....the house I bought is there, and I kinda doubt she'd hide in a resort town anyway. So we're down to Fort Condor, Icicle Inn, and Mideel."

"There's, like, only two houses in that forsaken wasteland up north. Tifa wouldn't be there." Yuffie added.

Cloud nodded, "Yeah. So...Fort Condor and Mideel then. Okay, Cid, set course for Fort Condor first, then we head for Mideel."

The group scattered, each returning to their own places. Cloud followed Cid and Vincent to the flight deck, taking his customary spot in front of the massive viewport. They had been hovering near Junon, so it was only a few minutes time to reach Fort Condor. They questioned everyone about Tifa, and it didn't take them long to ascertain that Tifa wasn't there. Cloud returned to the ship, waiting patiently for the others. Mideel...this is it. Doesn't mean she'll be there. Maybe she isn't in a town....I may never find her, but it's not like I deserve to.

"CLOUD!!!!" Yuffie yelled loudly, trying for the third time to get his attention.

He turned, "What?"

"Cid said, 'Are you ready to go?'"

Cloud gave her a quizzical look, "What the hell does he need my permission for?"

"Cause you're the poor &¢#$% who has to face her. Wouldn't be surprised if she beat the hell out of you. You ready to go or not?" Cid demanded.

Cloud nodded, "I'm ready."

Tifa slowly woke up the next morning, vaguely aware of the still damp spots on her pillow where she had cried herself to sleep. That was so pathetic, Tifa. How could you lose control of you emotions like that? Crying yourself to sleep, that's something a child does. She turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling, beginning to notice a vague sense of apprehension. Shaking her head, she climbed out of bed and got ready for the day.

"Good morning, Tifa." Zangan said as she sat down at the table and began to eat her small breakfast.

"Morning. Zangan...have you felt anything?" she asked.

He looked at her strangely, "Such as what?"

"Like something's gonna happen today. I can't really place it, I just feel...I don't know." she trailed off.

"I feel nothing. Perhaps it is something that pertains soley to you. Cloud may arrive today."

 Tifa looked at him, eyes wide, "No. He can't have found me already. There's no way. I was hoping it'd take a while and he'd just give up."

"No true friend gives up on the other. He cares for you, whether you want to believe it or not. That much, I know."

A long silence stretched between them, enough for her to hear a distincive rumbling in the distance. After a moment, she finally placed the sound, "NO!" She locked her gaze with Zangan's, "Please, don't tell him I'm here. I don't want to see him anymore, I can't take it. Please..."

Zangan shook his head, "If he asks, I will not lie."

Tifa tightened her jaw, "There's no use running. He'll just find me again." she paused for a long moment, "Fine. I'll be in my room."

Cloud felt a deep chill run down his spine as he looked at the fence surrounding the Lifestream pit. The pale green liquid was the life of the Planet, yet it had almost taken his life and Tifa's. Glancing around the small village, he decided to start his search at the hospital. The doctors there would know if Tifa was here; they knew the group well. The others had stayed on the Highwind; Cloud had insisted on searching Mideel on his own. The nurse-Eileen, Cloud remembered- sitting at the desk looked up as he walked in, her eyes widening in recogniton.

"Cloud! It's you! What are you doing here?"

"Have you seen Tifa? She...left a few days ago, and I haven't been able to find her."

Eileen stood up, "Yeah, she's here, but...I don't think she wants to see you. She seemed rather upset with you."

Relief flooded his soul, "She's here? Where? I have to talk to her."

She shook her head, "Cloud, I..." Eileen hesitated, unsure if she should reveal Tifa's location, then realized that it wouldn't matter, Cloud would find her anyway. And there was a profound sorrow in his eyes that tore at her. Whatever had happened between them, Cloud was truly sorry, and he deserved a chance to see Tifa, "She's staying in the house at the far east edge of the village."

"Thanks." Cloud said, rushing from the hospital to the edge of the village. A small wooden house stood near the village fence, and he ran to it, praying that Tifa hadn't left. As he raised his hand to knock on the door, it opened, startling him. An older man stood there, but despite his age, he still carried himself with an assured strength and dignity. Cloud stared at him for a moment, trying to place the man's face. He knew he'd seen him before.

"Zangan." the man said.

Cloud blinked in shock, "Zangan? Tifa's trainer? Is she still here?"

He nodded, "She is still here." He motioned toward a door at the end of a hallway, then stepped aside to let Cloud pass.

Tifa could hear Zangan speaking to Cloud through the door. She clenched her hand, staring intently out the window, This is it.... A knock came at the door.

"Tifa?" Cloud's voice came through the door muffled.

She stood silently for a moment, "It's open." The door opened, then shut, but she didn't turn to look. Instead, she continued to stare focusedly out the window.

Cloud slowly walked up behind her, struggling with what to say. How do you apologize for breaking someone's heart? Especially when it was your own fault for not noticing. "Tif, I...I'm...sorry. I never noticed how you felt...even though I should have. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear....I hate seeing you in pain." he trailed off, unsure of how to continue, "Tif, look at me."

She didn't respond.

"Please...listen to me, Tifa."

She slowly turned toward him, her head lowered, "Why should I listen? It doesn't matter anymore, you love Aeris."

Cloud looked at her, seeing a tear slip down her face. Her eyes, once filled with life and happiness, only held a soul consuming pain. His first insinct was to comfort her, to take away whatever was causing her pain, yet he was the source of her anguish.

"Tifa, just because I love her doesn't mean that I don't care for you."

"I know, but.....I...don't have anyone who loves me. Not anymore." She looked up at him suddenly, having to force herself to meet his gaze, "I'm all alone...I'm sorry, Cloud...Sorry I fell in love with you, that I ruined our friendship. I know how much it meant to you-to me. I just..."

Cloud gently took her by the shoulders, "Don't apologize. You shouldn't feel sorry for falling in love with me, and you didn't ruin our friendship."

She stared into his eyes, struggling with herself. One part of her was screaming at her to hit him, push him away. He'd hurt her, and she couldn't forgive him. The other wanted to just hold him and cry. "Cloud...You...you hurt me..."

Her words tore at him, "I know. Tif, there's something....that I have to say. I should've realized it earlier, but...I...love you."

Her eyes flared with sudden anger, and she pushed him forcefully into the door, "GET OUT!"

He stared at her in utter confusion, "Tif, what?"

"You...Now you're lying to me! You're only trying to get me to come back; you don't care about me at all!! Get out of here!" she screamed.

He finally pushed himself from the door, feeling pain rise in his soul, "I don't want to leave without you. I'm not leaving without you. And I'm not lying to you, Tifa. I do love you. I've...loved you since I was young, I just never had the courage to tell you. Then, after the reactor and Nibelheim, I just...I guess I tried to deny my feelings. I thought you blamed me for what happened to you at the reactor, that you could never love me."

Tifa stared at him warily, wavering between belief and disbelief, "What about Aeris?"

He took a step toward her, "I love Aeris...but, Tif...it's not as strong as what I feel for you. I-"

"Stop lying!" her voice came out as a strangled cry choked by tears. "You can't love me more."

"I'm not lying! Tifa, when we were in the Lifestream, I...I could feel you...your heart and mine. It was almost like...like they connected somehow. No one else but you could've saved me, and you know it. There's something between us, a bond, a connection, that nothing and no one can break."

Tifa still simply stared at him. She wanted to believe him, to believe that he loved her, but she couldn't.

"Do you remember the night we stayed at the Icicle Inn, when the blizzard came up?"

Tifa nodded, "What about it?"

"That night, when I woke up, I...I was holding you, Tif. And you had your arm wrapped around me."

"But you pulled away. You didn't want to be close to me." she whispered, feeling pain stab into her heart again like a cold knife.

"You were awake?" he asked in shock.

She nodded, "I...felt you pull me close. It woke me up."

Cloud reached out to her again, this time cautiously taking her hand. She didn't pull away like he had expected, instead she clutched his hand tightly, "Tif, it wasn't that I didn't want to be close to you, I....was afraid you'd wake up, and I wasn't sure what it meant. I guess some part of me knew that I was holding you because I loved you, and I didn't want you to know." he stared into her eyes intently, "I love you, Tifa, more than anyone. I know I hurt you, but...please just come back. I can't stand it without you there; I need you."

Tifa's eyes wavered, "Cloud..." she whispered, feeling his words seep into her heart, soothing the wounds that had been bleeding freely for far too long. Just forgive him, a voice whispered. When she looked up at him again, tears were falling down her face, "I forgive you, Cloud."

Relief flooded Cloud's sapphire eyes, and he pulled her to him, holding her tightly. Tifa returned his embrace, burying her tear-damp face in his neck. He stared down at her for a moment, then gently kissed the top of her head. Tifa looked up at him, the innocence and life returning to her gaze, replacing the pain that had filled her dark brown eyes only moments earlier. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to hers in a tender kiss. After a long moment, he pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. He felt a deep sense of peace and love flow through him, the same feeling he'd had when he'd awoke and found Tifa in his arms. Tifa wrapped her arms around his neck, letting his kiss wash away the last of her pain. She could feel his heart beating gently against hers as he held her close. When they at last separated, Tifa looked up at him, eyes misty with tears.

"I love you." she said quietly.

He tenderly stroked her cheek, "I love you, too."