It's a fact. I always thought that I was brave... But I'm not. If I was brave, then I would have stayed at the Ebon Hawk and at least tried to help Mission and the others. Even if it would have only resulted in my death.
But I ran.
I guess my only excuse is that I panicked. When I saw that Revan, along with Bastila, had fallen to the dark side, I got scared.
I had hoped that Revan would have been able to resist the dark side this time round. After all, she was given a second chance when she lost her memories and then ended up on the Endar Spire.
But I guess that the darkness was still strong inside her. Just... hidden. By her cool, charming, beautiful exterior.
When Saul told me who Revan really was, I didn't want to believe it at first. But there were always these little glimpses of her true self showing through. Like the bond between her and Bastila. A thing like that doesn't just happen by accident.
The clues were all there. I just couldn't see it. Didn't want to see it. Didn't want to admit that I was slowly falling in love with the old dark lord of the sith.
And then Bastila confirmed it when Malak came onto the Leviathan.
Everyone had thought that Darth Revan was dead. That we were finally free from the tyranny of the dark lord of the sith. Sure, Malak became the new dark lord. But he wasn't as powerful as Revan.
No one dreamed that Revan had survived her ship being blasted by Malak. Why should they? The jedi put it around that she was dead, and everyone trusts the jedi.
Still, the jedi didn't deserve what happened to them. They didn't deserve the academy on Dantooine being destroyed. No matter what their mistakes were.
The thing I don't get is why the jedi council sent Revan after the star maps and, ultimately, the Star Forge. They must have at least suspected that Revan could well go down the same path as before.
But I didn't really think that Revan could go down the same path and cause history to be repeated. I thought that she could really change. I thought that we were all supporting her well. I thought that we had explained to her the risks of the dark side. But apparently not.
I love her.
Now where did that thought come from? Not that it isn't true. I do love her. It's scary, because I know what she was before and what she is now. I know that I shouldn't love her... But I do.
I can't imagine life without her now. Ever since we landed on Taris, she's always been there. Sure, I might not have trusted her at first. But I was able to eventually, especially when she answered all of Saul's questions to stop me from being tortured. (A/N: Ok, when I did it, my character refused to answer. But I felt really mean doing that, and I'm sure that if Saul had asked another question, she would have cracked).
I don't know what I should do now. I don't deserve to enter the war again. I'm a coward. I wasn't able to raise a hand against Darth Revan, even though I knew that she would kill thousands. I'm a failure.
I know that there's one more thing I can do. One more thing that I have to do. I have to inform the Republic of Revan's betrayal. I have to warn them what to expect.
But what then?
Life without Revan will be meaningless. I no longer care if I live or die. I have to try and turn her back. Even if it does cost me my life, I have to try. I have no other choice.
I just hope that it's not too late...